No need for introductions you know what you're in for dorkface let's do this thing.
Person We Met During the Episode Who Needs Their Own Reality Show STAT
ZWR: There weren’t any breakout stars last night, that’s for sure. If forced to pick, though, I’m gonna pitch a show where AshLee’s dad goes on a date with Catherine’s mom.
If Some Hunky Bach Came To Visit Me in Philly, I'd Take Him To ...
ZWR: John’s Roast Pork no questions asked large pork with sharp provolone and a carton of iced tea.
|Best ever, even after yuppies found out about it|
TVMWW: … this secret spot in Fairmount Park right by the new Please Touch Museum where there’s this long wrap-around stone bench that’s basically just like a whispering wall. You can sit at one end of the bench and whisper to your partner at the other end and watch their face break (ZWR ® term) into like a million pieces. I took pretty much every girl I’ve ever dated there and I don’t really think any of them were all that impressed, but it gave me some much-needed separation in order to blast away the millions of farts I’d been holding in the entire evening.
ZWR: Did they even eat? Best little brother was definitely Lindsay’s, though! That kid ruled.
TVMWW: Yeah, they ate! Catherine’s mom made them Filipino egg rolls!!! I didn’t even know Filipino egg rolls were a thing. Also, Lindsay’s little bro was awesome.
Family That Most Likely Has the Best Magazine Subscriptions
ZWR: Catherine’s fam by default. Lindsay’s dad does push-ups all day for koopa troopa training, I think AshLee lives in a field, and there’s no way that debacle that is the Desiree’s family knows how to read.
|From Google, via wetpaint.com|
TVMWW: The Filipinos are DOMINATING this Bachcap ®, because you know those girls get People, Vogue, Teen Vogue, Teen People, Filipino People, Clean Hair Illustrated, Horse Hair Weekly, No Idea Where I’m Going With This Geographic, Slam, Vibe, GLAMOUR, and Rickshaw and Driver magazine.
Winner of Ep
ZWR: My neighbor Ben, who, when Catherine’s sisters were grilling her about Sean, blurted out, “alright let’s wrap this up with the ceremonial Asian open-mouthed kissing of the sisters.” YES WE’RE ALL SITTING AROUND WATCHING THE BACHELOR TOGETHER DON’T JUDGE!
TVMWW: I’m also gonna give the Winner of the Ep to someone who watched with us, my next-door neighbor Bridget’s cat, D.C., who at one point during the show jumped up on our couch and stuck her butthole way up in the air at me and I had to look, I had to look, and she totally knew I was looking and then she turned to me and waved her little butt even higher in the air and then she jumped off the couch and scurried off into the other room because she’s such a little tease and I hate her.
Loser of Ep
ZWR: Des’s brother. Normally I’d love some random donkey trying to fist fight the Bachelor on a hometown, but this kid was a scuzzface. I mean, he didn’t even iron his bobo collar.
TVMWW: Chris Harrison, whose big advice to Sean while he was having a MAJOR MELTDOWN was “Get this right.” Thanks, dude! ‘Preciate it! Sorry to make you get up from your precious steak dinner that you were eating backstage while I’m SWEATING BULLETS HERE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. But I’ll be sure to “get this right!” THANKS AGAIN,.
ZWR: HEY SPEAKING OF STEAK. Bonus “Loser of Ep” points to Des’s crumb bomb brother for waiting until those amazing looking filets were served to go and have his talk with Sean. NOM FIRST, BOMB LATER, Hand Tats McGee.
Baller of Ep
TVMWW: Sean. He’s five minutes into his date with Catherine and his hands already smell like fish. HEYO!
I DIDN’T SAY THIS.
ZOO WITH ROY SAID THIS AND IS JUST PRETENDING I SAID THIS BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO MAINTAIN HIS SQUEAKY CLEAN REPUTATION FOR PHILLY.COM WHEN IN FACT HE’S JUST AS NAUGHTY AS THE REST OF US.
My Baller of the Ep was definitely Lindsay who did a FANTASTIC job of role playing as a drill sergeant. VERY CONVINCING (and erotic!). By barking orders at Sean, she turned the erot-o-meter up to around a hundred and forty-zornks degrees WHICH I APPRECIATED VERY MUCH..
ZWR: Oh yeah sure you’re going to believe him? Let’s give Baller of the Ep to Evan for looking up a cat’s butt.
TVMWW: It was a nice butt!
|btw bonus points to Lindsay for this boob-window dress!|
Best Catching of a Giant Fish
ZWR: Catherine just caught a giant fish with one hand, yo. Megatron up in this piece.
TVMWW: That really was an amazing grab. Also, I bet you can’t name one Seattle Seahawk receiver from the last 30 years besides Steve Largent.
ZWR: Korin Jackson?
TVMWW: Not a person!
Person Most Likely To Have a Flip Phone
ZWR: AshLee’s dad. But that’s not the best part about him. “What is, Zoo? Is it that he looks like Dick Butkis?” Nope, but good point. It’s that he has brown hair and grey sideburns!
TVMWW: I thought his hair looked a lot like Kirk Gibson’s. I also thought his name was Maurice for a while (which is basically the 4th best name ever behind Clyde, Leroy, Frarv and Glarson) and yet was still not that disappointed when I found out his name was actually Bruce. Penguin, I kinda feel like your dad might be named Bruce. Regardless, the person who is most likely to have a flip phone was definitely Des’s actor friend from Los Angeles, because every actor I’ve ever met is BROKE AS A MUHHGGG and smart phones are EXPENSIVE.
ZWR: Beee Teeee Duuuuub worst prank ever.
The Shawn Bradley Memorial OMG What Are You Doing, Sean? Moment of the Night
ZWR: When this big blockheaded born-again virginface was trying to decide which of the two cutest, most adorablest girls not to eliminate after giving roses to AshLee (see below) and Lindsay (see last week).
TVMWW: I’m giving this award to myself, because I just realized that I’ve used pretty much all of my A material for this blogpost and have absolutely nothing left to write about on my own site. The only bit of my notes that I haven’t used was when Lindsay was barking orders at Sean and I wrote, “OMG I can’t believe Sean is wearing a mock turtleneck OMGGGGGGG!!!”
ZWR: You have a site?
By the way, Mr. Bigshot, I’ll have you know that only hours after you were picked up by Philly.com, I was contacted by BalaCynwyd.com, Conshohocks.com and TVMyMotherWatches.blogspots.coms.
The Tierra Memorial Red Flag of the Night Presented by Valvoline Motor Oil
ZWR: AshLee is scaring the crap out of me, yo. Every time they show her on camera she’s all, “Sean and I had a great time, because I love him and he loves me and we’re in love and our love is full of love LOVE LOVE LOVE” and everyone’s all, “Bro we get it you like him but let’s turn down the crazy.”
TVMWW: Look, I love Des, I really do, and that scene at the end when she said, “Please don’t let me go,” was full of genuine emotion and heartbreak, and a blatant reminder as to WHY WE WATCH THIS SHOW IN THE FIRST PLACE … FOR MOMES LIKE THIS … but oh mee oh my, red flag city, because sitting right there on Des’s dining room table were, yep, you saw it, I know you did … straight from Crate and Barrel … little wicker balls in a little wicker bowl.
The Thing I'm Going to Miss the Most About Bachcaps® When They're Gone in 2 Weeks
ZWR: Getting seventeen emails from Evan on Tuesday asking me how he thought it went and if there were any other categories we should add and if the font we used was good and if maybe we should switch up the format and … and … and … and …
TVMWW: I think it’s very important to discuss what works and what doesn’t in order to put out the best product possible!!!
I’m going to miss NOTHING.
Best mom with one arm
TVMWW: No idea how to answer this question.
ZWR: With a double high five?
TVMWW: Bing bong!