Friday, March 29, 2013



The Phillies As Your Office Coworkers

Kyle Kendrick is the Annoying Guy With No Self-Awareness
“Hey guys you wanna get some lunch...I’m thinking Hooters? Did you watch Three and a Half Men last night? Hilarious! What’s the deal with the new intern? Seems like a dweeb, am I right? Did you see that the recruiter from HR got a boob job? TOTALLY WOULD.” You just want him to shut up and go away, and tell him he’s not your friend, but the rumor is that he’s with the company based on nepotism alone, so you can’t really be direct about how much you hate his face. But as much as you’d never admit it to his big dumb face, he’s totally right about the girl in HR.

Cole Hamels is The Perfect Senior Manager That No One Respects
Literally the best all-around at what he does, Hamels still gets no respect from his peers and superiors despite sustained performance and success. And that’s because of his demeanor. Your company is fairly blue-collar (for a white collar “cubicle farm”) with an old school factory culture that’s tough to crack. There seems to be a larger emphasis on looking like you’re working hard than actually performing well, and for that, Cole suffers. He’s made it to Sr. Manager on guile alone, but it’s possible he’ll never get the big, career-making promotion. 

More after the jump...

Ben Revere Update

First off- and most importantly- them grits were on point!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Ben Revere: Hero ... Who Knows How to Party!!!

Come for the baby bird saving, stay for the Slip n' Slide. I don't know any better way to put it.

(I got the original from The 700 Level, who got it from the AP/Kathy Willens)

Here's a blank one created by @MisterTug (of Opening Day 2011 Fame) that you can use if you want to make some and send them to me:


MATURE: Marine Corps Marathon Route Looks Like a Dong!!!

Bwahahahahahahah yes, please. H/T Megan from work

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

This Cat May Or May Not Look Just Like John Kruk

One of the Holy Butt tattoo girls tweeted this to me a picture of her cat the other day and it made me die of laughter because:

(a) I'm an idiot
(b) that's a grumpy-looking cat wearing a helmet sundae helmet
(c) she says he looks like John Kruk and I'm not quite sure if that's a joke or the joke or just a funny line, or if maybe altered states of consciousness were at play.

REGARDLESS, look at him! John Kruk Cat (nee "Dozer") MUST become a celebrity:

Naturally, this led to...

More after the jumparoo.

Monday, March 25, 2013

So Roy Halladay Talked Long and Hard About His Start The Other Day, 3.23.13 v. Minor League Scrubs Zolecki

Roy pitched against some minor leaguers the other day (Bolg nemesis and fried dough welcher Todd Zolecki has the full deets here) and, besides the fact that he wasn't really on point and his velocity was still hanging low and his pitches didn't move all that much and he was still looking a bit bony from his stomach bug, he did talk--AT LENGTH--about his performance.

Quoth the Roy: 
"Just working on the consistency on my lower half...

I felt strong and felt like the stamina was there.

I felt like at least I felt a grip that was more comfortable and a release... that was more comfortable was a lot easier to get in same spot consistently.

I feel like physically, I’m ready.

It’s really hard...

...find out where I can and can’t go, what I can and can’t do.

I feel like I can repeat it easier.

I feel like I can repeat it nice and fluid. And it’s coming out of there easy. 

The older you get, unfortunately, you don’t always have the ability to go harder, harder, harder.

Change your spots, change your location.

...trying to go as hard as we could, as much as we could

...that’s gonna be important for me during the season — to be able to go hard and soft"

Whoa, is it me or is suddenly hot in here?

Give me a minute, I need to go take this cardigan off and gather my thoughts. I'm not sure what just happened.

Rich Dubee and Greg Gross Discuss the Snow

For those of you who love weather discussions and/or enjoyed this.

"How about this snow?"

"Man, it's crazy!"

"I know, right? I had to sweep a good two inches off my car."

Saturday, March 23, 2013

ZWR in the Wild

Good morning, donkeys! Let's check out some fine folks in fashion-forward ZWR attire. Then, after that, you should probably go get a scone.

James and Nick. No idea which one is which. I assume beardface is Nick. "Hey, Nicky Beardface, run over to Gina's and get some gabagool for the thing tonight! Yeah sure, bring Jimmy Tight Polo wit' you." 

thanks to @chapmanboom for pic

Friday, March 22, 2013


Started the work week with #LOLPHILLIES, ending the work week with them. We've come full circle, donkeys.

ZWR NCAA Tourney: Friday Preview

Hey there, hoopsters, the penguin's here to deliver some hard-hitting analysis on today's tourney games involving our beloved city schools. I hope this FULL-COURT PRESS of insight leads to the perfectly executed BOUNCE PASS of information that allows you to TAKE IT TO THE RIM and SLAM DUNK your hoops fix (be it of the gaming or intellectual variety), leading to the ONE SHINING MOMENT you deserve.

La Salle v. Kansas State

Thursday, March 21, 2013

On Second Thought...

Click for even more of less Roy

Happy One of the Five Best Days of the Year!

I don't have the energy or wherewithal to rank them, but "Thursdsay of the Tournament" is right up there with Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving, Opening Day, and my birthday in the Awesomest Times Eleventy rankings. And this year we head into it with the added excitement of a Big Five team already having won a tourney game last night-- way to go, La Salle!

So, to all of the donkeys playing hooky from work, cutting class, recovering from vasectomies (no for real this is a thing), road-tripping with no hotel or tickets, streaming games on their phones, muting their desk line and watching during conference calls, "working from home" (lolololol), and/or accidentally getting a bit too tipsy during their lunch break I say ... ENJOY!

No for serious 1990 UNLV was the coolest team ever case closed

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Phillies High: The Ol' Fishin' Hole

by Danger Guerrero

[Scene: At the ol' fishin' hole, where a group of Phillies High students are enjoying the last day of summer vacation.]

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Some Phillies E-Cards: Marching Along


Yo whattup girl I think the folks at work who say "Tuesdays are the new Mondays" may be onto something. So I went out of my way to cheer you up once more with funny images concerning our shared love--  the Philadelphia Phillies Major League Baseball club. High five it, chest bump it, Kid n' Play dance it, then check them out.

Yours 4 ever,


Are you Ruf enough? Whoooooooo oooooooh oooooh oooooh oh

Seriously this time


Monday, March 18, 2013

So Roy Halladay Pooped Yesterday (3.17.13 v. the O's)


Awwwww crap, it's Monday. IF ONLY something would come along and cheer me up!

All photos from

Sunday, March 17, 2013

ZWR In the Wild; Three Donkeys with "Holy Butt" Tattoos

Happy hangover, Shamrockface! Here's some ZWR in the Wild for you... try not to puke on it.

zOMG Friends & Family up in this piece CLEARWOODER 13 IN THE HOUSE !!!!!!!!

(Back Row, from left to right: Awesome, Awesome, Papa Awesome, Mama Awesome, Lil Awesome, Awesome, Awesome Jr., Mrs. Awesome, Awesome, Awesome. Front Row: Wee Awesome, Mrs Stupendous, Shades McGee, Cutie Pie)

Saturday, March 16, 2013

We're Better Than This

I'm going a little outside of my depth here, and I realize there are (bad) donkey fans everywhere, but there's no excusing this:

A kid, at last night Flyers/Devils game with his dad. According to his Twitter:

A note to the violent idiots who make it hard for kind, intelligent, fun, family-oriented Philadelphia fans: Stop being idiots.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Thursday, March 14, 2013

ZWR LethargyGate Exclusive!

Pic ganked from

You'd have had to have been very lethargic the past few days to not take note of (or become annoyed by) the focus on lethargy re: one Harry Leroy Halladay. In short, everyone's pooping themselves over his start on Tuesday. ZOINKS.

Being the true journalist that I am, I got to the bottom of things yesterday in my investigative exclusive (don't listen to that one mouth-breather in the comments, that article was NOT fiction). Well, I didn't stop there-- I got to the bottomer.

While hanging around the locker room holding my iPhone in the air pretending to record key quotes for future stories I'll publish in the name of journalism on the web portal a major US media market's legacy newspapers, I noticed something over by Roy's palacial spring training locker stall...


Fist bump to @treblaw 

Finally, confirmation that HLHIII totally committed to the lethargy this week. The guy is as focused as ever, folks. No need to worry. 2013 is going to be special.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Halladay gets some work in during ‘lethargic’ spring start [PHILLY.COM]

Roy had a bit of a rough day yesterday, but don't worry, all is explained in my new, in-depth piece for

Click here to go read it in all of its glorious entirety.

LETHARGY: it's the word of the day. My column:
Said Halladay after the game: "I just felt lethargic. But you know, that was kind of the point today. I was really working on some things as we all do during spring training. Today was all about my lethargy -- well, Dubee calls it the ‘L-Bomb’ -- but I call it my lethargy ball. It’s kind of like a telegraphed changeup in the middle of the plate. I modeled it after an early [Kyle] Kendrick sinker, but don’t tell him I said that.”

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

ZWR Breaking News from the Papal Conclave

ZWR sources at the Vatican were able to capture this stunning image below (Note: NOT photoshopped), which some are indicating may reveal a clue as to who the next pope of the Catholic Church may be.

Experts and observers are confused however as to the potential ramifications of a non-practicing-former-Mormon from Colorado being named the new Bishop of Rome.

Stay tuned for updates or confirmations... we are working this story very hard.

So Catechismed


Hey there kids! Evan and I are back for one last BACHCAP for Season: Sean, wherein we break down the finale. I'd like to take this moment to remind everyone that I basically called Cath-Cath winning weeks ago- thank you very much and you're welcome. Let's do this thing!

After Watching this Ep, I Need to ...

ZWR: Go listen to Lisa Loeb. Did you see that girl in the crowd who looked like Lisa Loeb? Everyone talks about “Stay” when they think of her, but I always liked that song “Do You Sleep”.

Monday, March 11, 2013

That Dunk? Meh.

ZWR sources finally found visual evidence (7 month old meme zeitgeist FTW) that someone out there wasn't actually impressed with that ridiculous DeAndre Jordan dunk. Crazy, huh? Here, check it:

"Oh cool you slammed it over a guard"

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