Tuesday, March 12, 2013

BACHCAP: FINALE!!!


Hey there kids! Evan and I are back for one last BACHCAP for Season: Sean, wherein we break down the finale. I'd like to take this moment to remind everyone that I basically called Cath-Cath winning weeks ago- thank you very much and you're welcome. Let's do this thing!


After Watching this Ep, I Need to ...

ZWR: Go listen to Lisa Loeb. Did you see that girl in the crowd who looked like Lisa Loeb? Everyone talks about “Stay” when they think of her, but I always liked that song “Do You Sleep”.




TVMWW: Do the dishes. We had eight people over last night (including a 3-month-old baby who took a smash in our living room) and do you know how many glasses eight people use during a 3-hour telecast? The answer is around 9, and 3 of those were mine, but still.

Best Job Getting Her Heart Demolished on National Television

ZWR: Lindsay, duh. Sean was such a bigger dorf (that's a combination of a doof and a dork) wimp crying sap when he sent her home. “Ok, now I’m gonna go” was the best line. HEY SPEAKING OF when Lindsay got sent home, what’s up with them making her leave in some Mitsubishi SUV instead of a limo? Did ABC run out of money or something? Anyway, my message to Lindsay: Chin up, sweetie. You’re 24, cute, and have a really cool foot tattoo. You’ll be fine.

TVMWW: I would say that in the world of people getting their hearts demolished on national television, that’s about as fine a performance as you’re gonna see. Nice job, Lindsay. That foot tattoo is friggin’ awful though. Zoo With Roy is wrong, you will not be fine.

ZWR: Says the donkus who can’t use one glass.

Best Outfit

ZWR: Sean’s dad, for rocking the bright pink tee under his button-down. BALLER!

TVMWW: I’m not gonna argue that Sean’s dad’s outfits weren’t absolutely amazing (including those South Pole jeans!), but we cannot go another paragraph without discussing Lindsay’s super short pink jean shorts that were so short you could almost see up her [WHOA THERE, EVSTER]. Great choice for the finale, but then again, this is THE FINALE, so if you’re gonna go for it, GO FOR IT, and Lindsay should’ve unbuttoned the top of them jawns like the high school girls on the Ocean City boardwalk and given us all a glimpse of her [HELLO]. Then she might’ve actually won this stinkin’ game show. And yes I’m aware that I’ll probably end up in prison one day and am totally fine with that.

ZWR: Those shorts were definitely the talk of our living room for a while.

Reaction When We Found Out "The Letter" Was From Cath-Cath

ZWR: Duh there were like 5 minutes left in the episode obviously it wasn’t from Des or anyone dramatic. Go screw your face, the producers, for teasing me like that. I was THIS MAD:



TVMWW: I’m currently writing this post at 6:57am Tuesday morning and I gotta tell ya, I don’t even remember what my reaction was last night. I feel like I might’ve been super surprised, but I might’ve seen it coming. I’m sorry that I wasted your time with these these last three sentences.

Winner of Ep

ZWR: Cath-Cath!!! Sweetie won, and got to ride off on an elephant!

Second place goes to my neighbor, Ben. When Sean got the letter, he blurts out (and I’m not making this up), “that’s an interesting font.”

TVMWW: In a major upset, I’m giving this award to the Bach producers who totally duped me into thinking that Lindsay was gonna win this whole time! When they showed her little foot step outta the limo Mitsubeesh first (which is essentially the loser’s reveal), I was BLOWN AWAY. And yet, the 437 people in my living room were STILL CONVINCED that she was gonna be the winner! “No, Ev, I’ve seen them do this before. The loser is not always the first one out of the limo Mitsubeesh.” … “Ummmm, HELLO, I have a VERY POPULAR television bolg! I think I know what happens on these shows thank you very much and please stop leaving your glasses all over our house I found one in the bathroom sink although it could’ve been mine, yep it was mine, sorry guys, I get really thirsty.”

Best Cow Grazing in the Background During the Final Rose Ceremony

ZWR: That cow grazing in the background during the final rose ceremony.

TVMWW: We watched the entire ep on around a 30 minute delay (and by the by, being behind during an event like the Bach Finale is THE WORST, all I wanted to do the entire time was GET LIVE, but that stinkin’ baby took around 11 smashes and we kept having to pause it and we never got live, WE NEVER GOT LIVE) and when it got towards the end and we were so close to GETTING LIVE, I swore I saw a water buffalo grazing in the background so I paused and rewound it and it was a WATER BUFF, Zoo With Roy, A WATER BUFF, not a cow!

ZWR: My bust, yo.



Loser of Ep

ZWR: Sean. This donk’s stock has tanked. He doesn’t deserve Cath-Cath. I’m only happy for her.

TVMWW: Chris Enough With the Skinny Ties Harrison. Dude, “Late Breaking News?” Ugh, I was so excited that he was going to reveal something like, “Lindsay stole a cop car in Camden and drove it to North Philly and we’ve got footage of her running over pedestrians and stealing another car,” but nooooooooo, just a stupid announcement that a born-again virgj is marrying THE CUTEST LADY EVER.

Baller of Ep

ZWR: Me. During one epic five minute stretch I freestyled a take-off of “In Da Club” with Sean lyrics and then I called the Mekong River the Me-Dong River. NAILED IT!

TVMWW: Congratulations Zoo With Roy, but I think it’s pretty clear that the baller of the ep was my friend’s baby who sh*t all over my living room.

If Neil Lane Hadn't Gone Into the Jewelry Biz, He Prolly Would’ve ...

ZWR: He looks like one of those sketchy old white guys that runs a rap label. I can picture him at the Source Awards mugging it up. Come to think of it, how do people become music moguls? I should have done that.

EDIT: Check that, the answer is definitely coke dealer.

TVMWW: Yeah, I was thinking he could’ve been the commish of the Lingerie Football League or maybe a character on Game of Frones, but I’m gonna go with coke dealer.

YIKES!

Did Your Wife Cry, Be Honest

ZWR: Dude no way she’s got a heart of stone. In fact, when Lindsay got dumped she yelled, “Throw him in the river!”

TVMWW: I ALSO yelled “Throw him in the river!” although I also yelled “Spit in his face!” and “Please put your glasses in the sink!” and even though my wife didn’t cry, she did “shush” me after I kept making jokes about Kacie B. popping up from underneath one of those lily pads with a snorkel on.

ZWR: Bwahahahahaha

Did You Cry, Be Honest

ZWR: No dummy did you?

TVMWW: No did you?

When is the Last Time You Cried, Be Honest

ZWR: Sunday night the Nag was all, “I’m pregnant NAG NAG NAG I want Chipotle NAG NAG I’m so UNCOMMMMMMMMMMFORTABLE” and I was all, “Chipotle?” and she was all, “yes” and I cried because I love Chipotle!

TVMWW: During the 2006 Winter Olympics I was watching ice dancing (not figure skating, ice dancing) and this Russian couple seemed so in love and so in sync and so good at ice dancing that I might’ve shed a tear or two and also last week while watching What Not To Wear.

Did You See Deandre Jordan's Alley-Oop The Other Night, Be Honest

ZWR: BRO seriously that was nuts of course I had to jump into the meme fray.



TVMWW: There was a 30-minute period during work yesterday where I couldn’t stop watching it and I kept laughing at my desk and then I cried because sitting at a desk all day long is no way to live and also the buffering.

The Shawn Bradley Memorial "OMG What Are You Doing, Sean?" Moment of the Night

ZWR: I don’t even have one; that guy is milk toast vanilla plain lame-o.

TVMWW: That guy was a crying fool last night! Especially during After The Final Rose (which is BY FAR the most boring hour of television), but check out this GIANT bottle of Finesse shampoo behind Sean!

Photo Credit: Evster's TV/Phone

ZWR: Hey, that reminds me,and I’m not trying to anger the religious folks, but NEW RULE: You’re not allowed to refer to God’s role in planning a televised wedding or participating in something that involves making out with 30 ladies in 30 hot tubs in 30 days and nothing about this show or that experience was in any way pure so just shut it already.

Now That The Bach is Over, I’m Gonna Spend My Monday Nights …

ZWR: I should probably do something productive or healthy like join a basketball league or train for a 13K or learn how to use that butt expensive camera we bought or whatever, but I just ordered the MLB package and the NHL playoffs are coming up and I got a new Phillies hat I have to break in so I’ll probably just watch sports like a lazy lump of long sentence writing awesomeface.

TVMWW: Not sure if you’re aware of this, but I have a bolg about television, so I’ll probably keep watching television and bolging about it. Definitely gonna bolg about Game of Frones, maybe a few eps of Duck Dynasty, and that new show Splash sort of looks like it could be the greatest show in television history. Also my wife’ll prolly watch Dancing With the Stars please help me good God someone please help me.

10 comments:

  1. I thought the note was from Epstein's mother.

    ReplyDelete
  2. As an avid reader of your bolg, and a former LFL player...that's hilarious. He definitely could pass as the skeeze-ball owner.

    ReplyDelete
  3. If only the Flyers were going to be there for the playoffs :(

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  4. Lisa Loeb, a water buffalo, AND DeAndre Jordan in the same post? Nice!!!

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  5. I'm kinda new here thanks to the Inquirer picking up your excellent bolg but is there a 101 ZWR refresher on terminology because I feel I'm missing out on many astute observations??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good point, Anonymous. I'm thinking about putting together a glossary of common ZWR terms, and hope to have it up prior to the start of the regular season.

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    2. Thanks, you are the wurst of my liver... sandwich.
      Now let's watch em smash some faces!

      Delete
  6. Dude, the font was progressive, stylish and not too abbrassive.
    But for really reals, I said funny stuff last night, darn it! My font comment makes the bolg though?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Man, this was a really great Bachcap®.

    Hey you don't happen to know of any other bolgs that might have some more RICH, DELICIOUS, TOP-NOTCH, HOT, WET, BING-BONG, IN-YO-FACE REALITY TELEVISION COMMENTARY, do ya?

    ReplyDelete
  8. i was showering when the "note" was read by Sean, when I got out of the shower my wife said the note was from Catherine, it said "Sean, I slept with another man on the home town date and missed my period...I can't do this, goodbye" I believed her bc I thought ABC was willing to go there

    ReplyDelete

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