Come on kids, you didn't think Evan and I were taking off this week just because it was that stupid "The Women Tell All" episode, did you? LET'S DO THIS THING
Lady Who Talked Too Much
ZWR: It’s not that she talked too much, but that lady Brooke would just suddenly pop in with a rando theory and everyone was all, “Ummmm, that’s a nice pantsuit but I have no idea what you mean.”
TVMWW: I’m going with Chris Harrison. That lady didn’t stop talking the entire time. She just went on and on and had to be involved in every conversation. And why does she feel like she can speak for the entire country? Saying that the one-armed lady won the hearts of everyone in America? Uh, no she did-ehn’t. She was friggin’ lame! Selma won my heart. And my everything. My ev-er-ee-thingggggg.
My My My _________, Look How You Have Grown
ZWR: Leslie. Oh my.
TVMWW: Ohhhhhh Leslie. You’ve always been my fave (when Selma’s not on screen). Although I think you might spell your name Lesley. Which is just dumb.
Smoothest Legs, Sponsored by Gillette Venus Razor
ZWR: I didn’t notice the ladies’ legs, I was too busy respecting their thoughts and empathizing with their feelings. Selma’s boobs looked good, though.
TVMWW: I thought Selma’s boobs looked hidden! One of the most disappointing developments of the entire seez. She clearly has no idea how to win the hearts of America.
Winner of Ep
ZWR: Des. Her Q Score is off the charts! Vegas has her at even money to be the Bachelorette (I made that up, but imagine there really is a betting line?)
TVMWW: That dead dog that they showed at the end, R.I.P. Magic. So sad. After simply a 15 second montage of still photography, that dead dog managed to stir up more human emotion in me than any human being in the history of this show. More than Tierra and her pathetic inability to get along with other people. More than an orphan who was abandoned and got a boob job. And more than the fact that a lady was born with ONE ARM (and by the by, let’s be honest here, she’s got one and a half arms. And while I realize that having one and a half arms is not nearly as great as having two arms, it’s still way better that only having one). I friggin’ loved that dead dog. He was so dead.
ZWR: Magic deserves an I'll Be Missing You Puffy
Loser of Ep
ZWR: The guys in the audience. Bros, what were you thinking?
TVMWW: Kacie B. That lady went from being sort of cute to looking like a catcher’s mitt.
ZWR: Oh yeah, also, Kacie B. She’s sad.
Baller of Ep
TVMWW: Brooke. I don’t think Brooke has ever been in any environment where she was not the ballingest baller in the room. I’m also not sure what this category means and have been confused about it all season.
ZWR: Really, huh? I thought she came across more as obtuse. Unless you’re talking about her pantsuit, in which case I concur. I’m saying it was a tie between two audience members: Stiffler’s mom (who was sitting front row right over Sean’s shoulder) and that teen girl with the Little House on the Prairie dress (you know who I mean).
TVMWW: Nothing says “I’m ready to give a powerpoint presentation and bore everyone to death,” quite like a pants suit.
ZWR: Is it "pantsuit" or "pants suit"?
|I'm going to kill both of you|
Moment When Chris Harrison Seemed to Genuinely Care About Whatever Some Lady Was Saying
ZWR: His interview with Sarah. HEY SPEAKING OF SARAH, I mean, I don’t want to sound like a jerk, and I’m not saying it’s right, and she’s really sweet and smart and pretty and cool, and I really don’t want everyone to be mad at me, and I respect her, and really think she’s courageous and inspirational, and anything else that permits this, but … dude Harrison why didn’t you ask if she thought he dumped her because she has one arm? I mean srsly of course that was it.
TVMWW: It was NOT because she had one (AND A HALF) arms. I mean, yeah, that had something to do with it, no one wants to walk around with a person with one (and a half) arms, but she was borrrrriiinnngggggggggg. If that lady had two arms, she wouldn’t have been picked for this show, no one would care about her and she’d probably have a boyfriend and/or be married and/or have gotten a softball scholarship to Arizona St.
|Harvard of the Desert|
I thought Harrison was being genuine when he asked Tierra about her engagement, which went something like this:
Harrison: So how long ago did you get engaged?
Tierra: No comment. (wry smile)
Harrison: Dude, what? That’s a totally normal question. I was just wondering when you …
Harrison: Yeah, nice job. Not that difficult to answer. All right, when we come back to the Bachelor: Women Tell All, we’ll show you footage of a one-armed lady helping a black woman put on a pants suit! Stick around!
Most likely to be on Bach Pad (other than Tierra, DUH)
TVMWW: The slutty lady who got kicked off the first night. SHE WAS BORN FOR BACH PAD. And she was also born to be interviewed by TV My Wife Watches. How do I get her contact information? Is she on LinkedIn? Also, what’s LinkedIn? Roy, ask your contacts at Philly.com to get in touch with her for me. IT’S THE LEAST YOU COULD DO MR. BIG SHOT.
ZWR: No. But that's a good pick, Evster. I’m going with AshLee. She’s going to be the female “Guard and protect your heart” lunatic and I’m pretty sure that within six months she’ll either be going out with him or Beaker from Emily’s season.
TVMWW: I dunno, AshLee claims to be a “very reserved person” who just so happened to go on a nationally televised reality show and get her heart torn to shreds in front of a billion viewers. I wonder if she actually knows any real, legit reserved people. Like my Uncle Donald. He’s pretty reserved. Hasn’t said a word to anyone in 43 years. Just sits in his La-Z-Boy recliner and occasionally grunts when he needs more horseradish. I think he’d be perfect for this show.
Readers’ Choice Twitter Contest Winner Courtesy of @Treblaw: Biggest Barf-inducing Recap of a Date
TVMWW: Ugh, everything AshLee says. That lady is so annoying. I’m also not sure if @Treblaw has ever seen this show. No one recaps dates! They show highlights!
ZWR: Beats me yeah serious that's an awful questions but I was pretty ticked off they didn't show any BEACH MONKEYS.
The Shawn Bradley Memorial, "OMG What are you doing, Sean?" Moment of the Night
TVMWW: Why, OH WHY, didn’t Sean do a shirtless crowd surf when he was at that sorority house? WASTED OPPORTUNITY. And the girls could’ve dropped him on his head and he could’ve hit the ground HARD and they would’ve crowded around him to tend to his wounds and HOLY MOLEY is that what sorority houses really look like? Just wall-to-wall filled with silky smooth hairless women? When I was in college, I don’t remember sorority houses looking like that. Then again, the only time I ever went in one was at like 2am to get some cereal. They always had so much cereal! And such quick access to university police!
(For the rec, I also think Sean should’ve done a shirtless crowd surf at the teenage girls’ house.)
ZWR: Glad you brought up that house. Whose do you think it was? Some rich executive producer of the show whose big dumb daughter Caitlyn keeps harassing him about how her friends Katelynn, Catelin, and Kaitlin want to meet Sean and his wife keeps saying, "Barry, you really should do it Caitlyn loves him so much and did get her GPA up over 2.00 and didn't have any accidents with the new Benz I mean NAG NAG NAG NAG I want her to be my bestie that's normal for a parent right? btw we went to the Coach store and spent $3,500 at lunch." and he's all "FINE!" and did you see that kitchen the cabinets were very nice.
How Many Dudes Did You See in the Audience
ZWR: I counted two.
TVMWW: I think I saw five! Five of the lamest dudes who do not have blogs about reality television.
Prediction for Next Week
ZWR: Catherine sweeps up this is a no-brainer she's so adorbs.
TVMWW: I think the note that’s given to Sean right before he proposes is from Kacie B. And reads something like this:
Wassup! Hope all’s good with you. Nothing much has changed here at home. Daddy just got a new bible, Momma’s zornked out on meds. Listen, just wanted to get some final closure on where it all went wrong with us. Was it the fact that I’ve aged 47 years in the past 6 months? Do you like women with less than two arms? ‘Cuz I can do something about that. I’ll honestly do whatever you want. I’M LONELY! JK, I’m fine, I’m fine, deep breaths, Kacie, deep breaths. PLEASE WRITE ME BACK. JK again! That was another jk! Okay, that’s all. If you ever wanna see if maybe we might’ve had something, go ahead and write me back. Or you could just turn around and talk to me, I’m currently right behind you hiding in the bushes. TTYL!
- Kacie B. (THE B IS FOR “BOREVER!”)
ZWR: Maybe it says:
S,Let's take it from the friend zone to the end zone. Wait what? Wait what!