Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Phillies High: The Ol' Fishin' Hole

by Danger Guerrero

[Scene: At the ol' fishin' hole, where a group of Phillies High students are enjoying the last day of summer vacation.]

Jimmy Rollins: Today's the day, guys. I know it. I can feel it.

Michael Young: The day for what?

Jimmy Rollins: Today's the day we catch Colonel Escalade.

Michael Young: Who's Colonel Escalade?

Jimmy Rollins: You don't know who Colonel Escalade is?!

Michael Young: No. Tell me.

Chase Utley: Oh, great...

Ryan Howard: Here we go...

Carlos Ruiz: No again...

Cliff Lee: [chews gum]

Jimmy Rollins: Colonel Escalade is the biggest, meanest pond monster anyone's ever seen. He's black as night, 15 feet long, and weighs one thousa... no TWO THOUSAND pounds. Some say he ate a Phillies High student years ago. Just leaped outta the water and GULP swallowed him whole.

Ryan Howard: Man, there ain't no Colonel Escalade. That's just some old story Wheels and Sarge tell people when they drink too much.

Jimmy Rollins: Nuh uh. It's true. I saw him once!

Chase Utley: No you didn't.

Jimmy Rollins: I did! I remember it like it was yesterday. I was out here with Shane one night. We were mackin' on the Peffercorn twins, going on a little boat ride. I was looking fly -- Gucci this, Armani that, styles for miles -- and everything was going great. Then we heard a rumble, and the boat started to sway back and forth. Shane was scared. He kept trying to tell the girls the pond was haunted. Said he met a ghost once and named it Nintendo. Then he talked about Mario Kart for a while. Then he remembered what was happening and got scared again.

Carlos Ruiz: I miss Chane.

Jimmy Rollins: Me too, Chooch. Anyway, I wasn't scared. I mean, me? Scared? Never. So I looked over the edge of the boat and that's when I saw him. Colonel Escalade. All 20 feet of him, right there in water. He's looking at me, I'm looking at him. Mano a fisho. Then -- and I swear to God, this is true -- he raised up out of the water, grabbed me by my Louis windbreaker, and said "Get the f-ck out of my pond."

Michael Young: Really?!

Ryan Howard: Maaaaaaaaan, don't listen to that idiot. Fish can't talk and there's no Colonel Escalade.

Jimmy Rollins: Yes there is! He got my windbreaker all slimy! I had to throw it away!

Chase Utley: Will you shut up? You're scaring all the fish away.

[Jimmy mumbles something under his breath about how everyone will believe him one day, but eventually quiets down. The boys continue fishing. Domonic Brown catches like 30 fish in the first half hour, but no one notices or cares, and everyone later decides that Delmon Young is a better fisherman even though the only time anyone ever saw him fish he showed up drunk, caught nothing, and fell out of the boat.]

Cole Hamels: Hey, Ryan...

Ryan Howard: [is standing 15 feet from the pond, hopelessly flailing his line toward the water] Yeah, Cole?

Cole Hamels: Have you ever thought -- maybe -- you would catch more fish if you, um... stood a little closer to the water?

Ryan Howard: No. This is where I stand when I fish.

Cole Hamels: Yeah, but... you're not even reaching the water half the time. And even when you do, you're only using the first foot or two of the pond.

Ryan Howard: One summer I stood right here in this spot every time I went fishing and I caught 58 fish.

Cole Hamels: Right... but I think the fish might have figured that out, so they aren't swimming as close to land as they used t-


Cole Hamels: Okay, okay. Geez. I was just trying to help.

Ryan Howard: [is now furious and standing 20 feet from the water] People telling me how to fish...

Cole Hamels: [walks over to Chase Utley] Wow, Ryan's really stubborn about fishing, huh?

Chase Utley: I guess.

Cole Hamels: Hey, uh, Chase... I think your fishing pole is broken.

Chase Utley: [is holding a fishing pole that is clearly broken] It isn't broken and I refuse to answer questions about it. Now let me get back to fishing.

Cole Hamels: Yeah ... but if you stop fishing for a few minutes and fix the pole you'll be able to come back and catch a lot more fish later.

Chase Utley: [stares at Cole Hamels, goes back to fishing with broken pole]

Cole Hamels: I hate this school.

[The afternoon turns into evening. The boys are trying to savor every last moment of summer break, but the sun is setting and the fish have stopped biting. It is time to go home.]

Jonathan Papelbon: Bros. BROS. I think it's probably time to get going.

Jimmy Rollins: Just five more minutes! I know he's out there.

Ryan Howard: UGH...

Chase Utley: Oh come on...

Cliff Lee: [chews gum]

Carlos Ruiz: I donno, Yimmy. Es getting pretty dark...

[Just then Jimmy feels a tug on his line. A big tug. The biggest tug he's ever felt.]

Jimmy Rollins: Uh... guys. GUYS.

Jonathan Papelbon: Sup, bro?

Jimmy Rollins: [struggling with pole] I got something big! I... I can't reel it in on my own. Help!

Cole Hamels: We're not going to fall for that, Jimmy. You just want to stay out here and keep fishing.

Jimmy Rollins: No, I'm serious. My pole is gonna snap!

Domonic Brown: Aw man. That sounds painful.

Jimmy Rollins: No, my FISHING pole. Come on, guys! Help!

Ryan Howard: Holy crap, he's not joking! Hurry up, let's reel this sucker in!

[Everyone rushes over to help Jimmy. An epic struggle begins. They pull the fish closer, the fish fights back and pulls them to the edge of the water, back and forth in a tug-of-war between species. After ten minutes of exhausting battle, the boys pull in unison one final time and yank their adversary from the water. What they see shocks them.]

Jimmy Rollins: Colonel Escalade! I knew it! Wait ... hold on ... Roy? Is that you?

Roy Halladay: [is soaking wet and has the monstrous fish in a sleeper hold] Hang on, guys! Almost got him!

[Colonel Escalade's body goes limp. Roy Halladay dismounts and addresses the gang.]

Roy Halladay: Hey, guys. What are you doing here?

Jimmy Rollins: [confused] We're fishing...

Roy Halladay: Me too. Wait, you guys use poles?

Cole Hamels: Uh, yeah. Hold on. How long were you down there? We've been here all day and we never saw you.

Roy Halladay: I don't know. What time is it now?

Cole Hamels: About 8:30.

Roy Halladay: At night?

Cole Hamels: ... yeah.

Roy Halladay: Then I've been down there for about 16 hours.

Ryan Howard: You were underwater wrestling a 1000 lb. pond monster since 4:30 this morning?!

Roy Halladay: [chuckles] I guess I was.

Ryan Howard: Holy crap.

Chase Utley: Holy crap.

Jimmy Rollins: Holy crap.

Cliff Lee: [swallows gum]

Roy Halladay: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I better get going. Gotta get up before school tomorrow and run some stairs. Can you guys toss the Colonel back in the pond for me?

Jimmy Rollins: Toss him back? WHY?

Roy Halladay: I'm gonna come back on Saturday and wrestle him again. You can't buy that kind of workout anywhere.

[Roy Halladay walks off. The rest of the gang remains frozen in silence, staring at Colonel Escalade and waiting for him to come to. After a minute, the monster begins to stir and unleashes a mighty cough that expels the Phillies High student he swallowed years earlier.]

Mickey Morandini: Whoa! What year is it?! 2002?


  1. Move over Herman Melville - DG has just killed it.

  2. "One summer I stood right here in this spot every time I went fishing and I caught 58 fish."


  3. Great work but no mention of Chooch missing the first two months of school?

  4. ::Slow Clap::
    Bravo, sir. Bravo.

  5. Brilliant work as always, good sir!

  6. Shouldn't Chooch have been out fishing for 100 straight hours?

  7. I didn't read this, but do you think players realy hang out in the non-season?

    1. yes they do---zomg you are so dumb,

  8. Leave it to Roy to shoe 'em how it's done.

  9. Best PH EVER!!!

  10. I think I caught a virus, my computer has been acting funny since I visited this site after Roy's last outing.Any advice Penguin?

  11. I would pay a substantial subscription fee to have PH on a weekly basis!


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