Thursday, March 7, 2013

Sh*t Delmon Young Says

Enthusiastic and physically fit over-achiever Delmon Young (recently anointed starting right fielder for your Philadelphia Phillies) made some waves yesterday when he went against the grain of his normally sunny disposition by basically stating he cares little about practicing baseball in the gorgeous Florida sunshine for a living. 

That's the basic gist, but you can read the full details from the Delaware County Times’ Dennis Deitch by clicking this link right here.

Spring training hope yawns eternal
AP Photo via

As disappointing as it was to hear such a poor attitude from a renowned clubhouse leader and team player like Delmon, it did get me thinking: “ZWR, what might Delmon Young (in his new, TOTALLY OUT-OF-CHARACTER, joylessly out-of-touch state) say about other things going on in the world?”  So I had one of my spring training spies catch up with Delmon after a grueling deep tissue massage. Here were his thoughts on a variety of other current issues:

On Michael Vick taking his new adorable puppy for obedience lessons: 
“Yeah I mean that’s cool that he doesn’t wasn’t his dog pooping everywhere, but they say dogs die in a fraction of the time humans do, so I don’t see why it’s all that important to train them.” 

Re: Dennis Rodman visiting North Korea and making nice with Kim Jong-Un:
“I don’t know why everyone keeps giving North Korea such a hard time, anyway. I mean it’s their country, they can do what they want.” 

On the whole Chase Utley-Strasburg-Halladay-Tyler Moore occurrence yesterday: 
“It was pretty chilly yesterday so I didn’t even leave the hotel until about 3:00. What happened?” 

Andrew Bynum’s knee issues and his relationship with the fanbase: 
“I totally understand where the guy is coming from. I feel for him. Wish I had a Ferrari like his, though! Do you have his number?” 

On Kate Upton’s SI Cover: 
“Who’s that?” [*is shown cover*] “Eh, I guess she’s okay. But I don’t read the media.” 

When told she dates (former Tigers teammate) Justin Verlander: 
“Sounds familiar, but I’m not really sure who that is.” 

Asked if he could play left field in an emergency situation:
“Nah, I’m a right fielder. Or a designated hitter. But the ball spins a totally different way on that side, man. It’s too hard.” 

About Philadelphia’s reputation as a tough but passionate sports town: 
“I guess I’ve heard that. We watched Fever Pitch in the clubhouse during a rain delay a few years back, so I got a little bit of a feel for the town. I dunno, we'll see.”

Asked if he’s been to Disney World since arriving in Florida:
“Nope. That place is corny.”

We showed Delmon this video of pandas playing on a swing and going down a slide, then asked for his response:
“I mean, if that’s your thing …”

His thoughts on Dom Brown’s impressive showing in spring training thus far:
“From what I hear, he used to be a top prospect. So maybe this shouldn’t be that big of a deal?”

What does he think the Phils' best off-season move has been?
“Definitely trading that Jewish guy.”


  1. Is that delco article for real? Exactly what assets does this man bring to the team?

  2. OHMYGOD, I HOWLED! I was willing to give this guy a chance, but then he went and opened his mouth. Talk about a piss-poor attitude!

  3. Can they just dump him now?
    He's totally gonna be a waste.

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. fake delmon young twitter needs to happen now

  6. Some friends and I have been calling him Dildo Young for a few weeks now. This just confirms that we were correct in doing so.

  7. This will be an interesting season mostly because fo the aquisition of Mr. D. Young and also from the potential competition between Brown and Howard.
    First Delmon sure is a character who brings such heavy luggage; can he control his mouth and temper, will he say outrageous things and piss off a virelant fan base? Can he improve upon his unorthodox defensive plays/routes to balls in play? I can't wait for the first Wheeler and Young pre-game interview.
    Brown has the potential to outshine Howard; hopefully they both get hot and stay hot but how funny it will be if Brown out performs Howard the Ryan visibly gets upset
    And cries like a 140 million dollar baby.
    You rock ZWR!!!


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