Friday, March 29, 2013

The Phillies As Your Office Coworkers




Kyle Kendrick is the Annoying Guy With No Self-Awareness
“Hey guys you wanna get some lunch...I’m thinking Hooters? Did you watch Three and a Half Men last night? Hilarious! What’s the deal with the new intern? Seems like a dweeb, am I right? Did you see that the recruiter from HR got a boob job? TOTALLY WOULD.” You just want him to shut up and go away, and tell him he’s not your friend, but the rumor is that he’s with the company based on nepotism alone, so you can’t really be direct about how much you hate his face. But as much as you’d never admit it to his big dumb face, he’s totally right about the girl in HR.


Cole Hamels is The Perfect Senior Manager That No One Respects
Literally the best all-around at what he does, Hamels still gets no respect from his peers and superiors despite sustained performance and success. And that’s because of his demeanor. Your company is fairly blue-collar (for a white collar “cubicle farm”) with an old school factory culture that’s tough to crack. There seems to be a larger emphasis on looking like you’re working hard than actually performing well, and for that, Cole suffers. He’s made it to Sr. Manager on guile alone, but it’s possible he’ll never get the big, career-making promotion. 

More after the jump...


Charlie Manuel is the Executive Assistant Who Actually Runs the Show

People always assume they’re going to get one over on her due to her folksy demeanor and old fashioned ways, but in reality she’s subtly running every detail of the entire office with her Jedi mind tricks and political mastery. She always books you a nicer rental car than she’s supposed to when you visit vendors so you love her a little extra.

   
Delmon Young is the Miserable Woman In the Cubicle Next to You That Hates Her Life
This lady is the worst. She NEVER stops complaining or putting the most jaded, negative spin on everything that happens in your company, no matter what. She even managed to ruin the Cinco de Mayo party by suggesting that “it was inappropriate” and that the rest of you “should be ashamed” for your behavior. And nothing even happened. I mean, yeah, Martinez had a few too many Tecates, grabbed the little sombrero off of the mariachi center piece, and then jumped from one buffet table into the taco bar on another, but really it was quite a tame affair. As an added bonus points, it’s always fun when her husband--whom she also hates--calls to discuss dinner plans. 



Ryne Sandberg is the Cutthroat Career Opportunist
While very talented, there’s a certain weasely characteristic about this guy that just doesn’t sit right. It could be his overly passive aggressive and hyper-critical demeanor, or just the time that he suggested that little Italian place for Jim’s going away luncheon then proceeded to order 3 bottles of wine and 4 table appetizers, but never ponied up his portion of the $40 tab. You feel like he may say and do anything to make himself look good, even if it includes undermining his boss’ decisions behind closed doors at every opportunity.

Ruben Amaro is The Absentee CEO That Shows Up Once A Month in His Porsche
This guy has the life, and he’s the first to let everyone know it. After taking over for his father nearly five years ago, he’s spent less and less time in the office. This was fine at first, because the company (built by his Dad) mostly ran on autopilot, but in recent years it’s started to alienate the workforce and performance has slipped. Nowadays he “manages” the company almost entirely remotely, and when he does show up it’s in an obnoxious yellow Porsche convertible. He glides into the office with a pompous attitude, and never seems to not be talking on his Jawbone to his stock broker or what you presume are his fraternity buddies. 


Chase Utley is the MILF That Knows She’s Still Hot But Would Never Act Like It
Wait what. I mean, yeah. You get the drift here. Let’s just say that you know that she knows that you know that she knows, you know?
  
Michael Young is the Consultant Guy That Doesn’t Know Excel
You know this old-head. He comes in from a place whose name rhymes with Flooze Gallen or Baytheon with seventy years of “Process management data integration program team vertical alignment best practice document authorship management & finance oversight” experience and his rate’s like twenty times that of the kid out of college who actually makes all of the macros and writes invaluable SQL statements. Then, when he gets to his first meeting you’re all “wait what we just signed a $300k contract for this donkey oh crap make Nelson do all of his work and give him tickets to the Incubus concert in the company box or something.” 


Ryan Howard is the Former Top Sales Person Resting On His Laurels
He’s impossible to fire because he’s made the company like 12% of its revenue the past 7 years, but in recent years he’s missed quotas, spent a lot of unaccounted for time out of the office and is often pre-occupied with the construction of his vacation home. A home that was built on the commission from his 2006-2008 Sales Person of the Year bonuses. The EVP of Sales is secretly hoping that the company’s main competitor hires him away at an even bigger salary and commission structure, but he’s making so much that it’s really unlikely.


Eric Kratz is the Donkey Who Still Wears Pleated-Front Dockers
This guy busted his butt from his days working hourly in the call center and earned a salaried, mid-level gig, but he’s still seemingly afraid to buy into it himself. You’re in the show, baby. Know that you belong. Go hit up Banana Republic. No, not the Factory Store either, donkey. 

  

Cliff Lee is the IT Guy You’re Afraid to Ask for Help
This one’s on you. There’s no real reason he scares you other than his face just sort of has that “go away” look on it; but that’s your inference. He doesn’t seem like a weirdo. He drives a nice car. He hangs out at happy hours and doesn’t dress like a doof. But still, you really don’t need that Adobe update or to find out why Outlook is deleting all of your sent emails. No biggie. 

Laynce Nix is the Guy Who Always is "Travelling" But Nobody Knows What He Really Does
“Hey, didn’t Laynce say on the last team call that he was in Seattle, and then heading over to Phoenix come Monday? Any clue what he’s doing out there? What department does he work in? Did her replace the safety guy or is he still quality assurance? Or both? Wait, I can't recall ever seeing any of his weekly reports. Does he do those? Why is he here? Why does he get to travel so much? Do we even need him?” 



Rich Dubee is the Manager on Mahogany Row who Replies Literally to Joke Email Chains
RE: Re: Re: Fwd: zOMG The Easter Bunny is Dead

Everyone,
Confirming--the Monday after Easter Sunday is NOT a company holiday. Normal operating hours apply.|
~RD

Mike Adams is the Frighteningly Competent Logistics Manager with Tremendous Bust Potential
On the surface, this guy’s a slam dunk. The thing is, there are whispers that his offer was ridiculous (I hear he’s already enrolled his kid in the George School). Plus, the VP of Logistics is a total Bro donk, and when you couple that with the fact that there’s only so much that the logistics lead can really do to impact your organization it’s all just a bit touchy. Better have Cliff Lee monitoring this guy’s internet usage.

Ben Revere is the Overly Eager Marketing Intern That Won’t Shut Up
You really admire this kid’s enthusiasm, hard-working demeanor and overall charm, but the fact is he’s too young yet to know that the business world is a cruel and soul-crushing proposition. You choose not to pee on his Cheerios and ruin his optimism, but sometimes he talks so much and with so much zeal you want to tell him that he has no chance of ever being hired full-time because the only interns that get hired have much larger cup sizes than him (rumor: Amaro’s orders). It was hilarious, though, when he wore a three piece suit on the day we launched that donkey website nobody cares about! 

  

Jonathan Papelbon is Clips-His-Fingernails-At-His-Desk Guy
Seriously, what the heck is it with this dude? Oh, and thanks for never putting "NSFW" in the subject line, YES, I did get that picture of the weightlifter's arm snapping in half. 

Carlos Ruiz is the One Guy Who Works in HR
He's just always so pleasant, approachable, and dialed-in to the needs of everyone (pardon the pun) on the team. And because he's in such a different position than everyone else, he sort of offers an outsider’s perspective that's charmingly naive. Case in point: at bagel Friday, when Freddy hinted that if the Stanton deal fell through we could lose up to 10% of operating profit next year, Chooch just laughed and said, "Don't forget to fill out your flex spending forms!"

  

Jon Mayberry Jr is the Handsome, Polite Guy That You Suspect Might Be a P*rn Freak
He’s so incredibly nice and well-rounded in every possible way that you and your boys have always suspected that there HAS to be a dark side. Mayberry is a real charmer with the ladies in the office, but if you squint your eyes and pay close enough attention you can detect a sinister 5% creep factor to his interactions with the opposite sex. You think he’s either "been in the business” before, or at the very least has a giant stockade of VHS tapes and DVDs.

Michael Martinez is the Guy Who Drank Too Much and Died On the Team-Building Retreat



Jimmy Rollins is the Front Desk Security Guy That Is ALWAYS In An Incredible Mood
Nothing makes you feel better than his “Whazzup baby looking fresh today WOOOOO-OOOOO!” as you pass through the lobby in the morning! God, everyone just loves him. And this cat accessorizes his uniform (technically it’s flair, but he calls it SWAG)-- how boss is that?! 

   
Phillipe Aumont is the Freakishly Huge Beast You Just Hired Out of College That You Hope Can Throw Straight Because He’d Definitely Help the COMPANY SOFTBALL TEAM

13 comments:

  1. Roy is the CEO that keeps the company chugging along duh.

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  2. no roy? hella weak bro.

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  3. This whole post did not have a very "ZWR" feel to it.

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  4. I was kinda chuckling here and there throughout, but then I got to the Michael Martinez part and I spit my fucking coffee all over my desk.

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  5. Oh crap, I'm Delmon Young.

    But I wouldn't ruin the Cinco de Mayo party, I would just make a polite excuse and go home. There won't be a photo of ME on Facebook tomorrow being a donkey. *makes Talk to the Hand gesture*

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  6. My office co-workers suck so any personal comparisons would have to involve the Florida Marlins or maybe the Brooklyn Dodgers.

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  7. I laughed. A lot. And I waited to see where HLHIII fit into it and - WHERE IS HE?

    Anyway, I work at CBP. I'm a "rookie" Doc came walking by and actually made eye contact with me...

    I am *still* trying to put the pieces of my face back together. For real!!

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  8. The Sandberg personality appears to be dead-on at this point.

    ReplyDelete

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