Friday, April 5, 2013

Comprehensive Royals Scouting Report



Hey there, donkeys. So, our beloved Phils open their season at home today against something called the Royals. Basically, their only claim to fame is having lost a World Series to our heroes back before a lot of you were born. Nothing else to speak of, as far as I can tell. As such, and in light of how wildly helpful previous ZWR Scouting Service's reports have been, I offer to you now just what the title of this here bolg post suggests: the most comprehensive scouting report on the Kansas Royals you'll find online.

Bruce Chen
Are you sh***ing me?! Bruce Chen started 34 games for you last year?! And here I assumed he owned a bar in Vancouver or something after retiring five years ago that's crazy talk.


Jeff Francoeur
Career batting average: .266. Career OBP: .268

Mike MooseTacos
ZWR sources confirm that he is Cousin Balki's long lost nephew. 

Alex Gordon
Nice try lame-stream media. Here's an inconvenient truth: I'm on to you.

Billy BUTTler
Self-explanatory.

Nate Adcock
I mean, it's better than Spamcock I suppose. This guy isn't even on the active roster, but still.

Luke "Mount Wannahockaloogie" Hochever
Luke Hamhocks makes $3.51 million dollars, which could probably buy you, like, all of the real estate in Kansas and most of Missouri. "Show me the Show Me State money!!! ... (wait what no that doesn't work)"

C. Getz
No lie I loved him in Lethal Weapon.


Eric Hosmer
"WHATTUP BRA STAY FRESH HOMEY YO THE ROYALS TOOK ME TWO PICKS 
AHEAD OF BUSTER POSEY HAHAHAHAHA SICK BURN."

Hal McRae (Manager)
A former MLB player, McRae has all the tools to lead the Royals back to somewhere. 

4 comments:

  1. Francoeur looks like he took a dump in his pants

    ReplyDelete
  2. You almost got me on Frenchy's stats. I had to look it up, because it was basically believable. And really, it's within a rounding error of being right.

    ReplyDelete

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