Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Jimmy Rollins Hires Jay-Z as His Agent



Interior, Citizens Bank Park executive office suite

Jimmy, thanks for coming. Take a seat.

Wazzup Ruben, baby?

Jimmy, we need to talk.

You giving me that extension, playa?!

You’re currently under contract through the 2014 sea--



(mumbles under his breath) Bigggg Pieceeeee

...

Moving me to clean-up?


(stares)

Giving me ...

Jimmy- stop.
Listen, did you hire Jay-f***ing-Z to be your agent? I’m hearing ru--

Chay Zeee?!


Je crache le jeu pour ceux qui jettent bricks
L'argent, en espèces, houes, argent, argent, poussins
Sexe, assassiner et le chaos - romance pour la rue
Seule femme de mines est une vie de crime


(/Bing searches celebritynetworth.com)

Haha, I actually make more money than Jay-Z.

Yeah, but he actually gets hits.

Sick burn, N00B!

Not cool, bros

IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE YOU MAKE A LOT OF OUTS!!

Yeah... I mean, I might have. I don’t know yet. We’ve been talking...

\
Dude pro tip, don’t even bother with his chick...

Waiii you boink Beyonch?

TOOO THE LEEEEEEFT, TOOO THE LEEEEEEFT
TOOO THE LEEEEEEFT, TOOO THE LEEEEEEFT

No way.

Jesus Chr*st! What are you, a platypus?


Hahahaha new Delta Tau Phillies nickname: “Perry!!”
THAT’S THE PLATYPUS FROM PHINEAS AND FERB!!!

YOU MUST NOT KNOOOOOW ‘BOUT ME, YOU MUST NOT KNOOOOW ‘BOUT ME
I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAN HAVE ANOTHER YOOOOOOU IN A MINUTE
MATTER FACT PAT BE HEEEEEEEEEEEEERE IN A MINUTE!

Guys-- cool it! Ruben wants to talk.

Mr. Amaro, Jr!
Excuse me, sir.
But a moment of your time, sir?

Shouldn’t you be in a low rent apartment in Emmaus right now? What is it?

Well, maybe sir.
But I’d just like you to know.
I mean, my new agent has advised me to inform you of a transition in the current status of my professional representation...

Good Lord, hamfists, spit it out

I’ve also changed agents, sir.

Oh, this ought to be good.

(gestures toward tall ficus plant in corner)
JCM, come on out and meet Mr. Amaro

RUBEN.
Nice to meet you.
I’m now in charge of Darin’s contract negotiations and career logistics.
But you can think of me as more of a life coach than an agent.

You got a name, or should I just call you Mummy Jowls?

Oh man, this “hurts so good”

I’m John Mellencamp, the singer-songwriter-guitarist-teenage-girl-fantasy-multi-multi-millionaire-recording artist.

Wait, you’re telling me there was a cougar hiding behind that plant this whole time? Crazy.

*suddenly paying attention*

Actually I bagged the “Cougar” part years ago. But I’m expanding my business empire to incl--

Yeah, we’ve all bagged plenty of cougars, Broskie. Love that tune Little Pink Cherries, too.

It’s “Little Pink Houses”, you pervert. I assume you are also referring to the 1987 hit “Cherry Bomb”.


Yeah, I’m the pervert, Prince Eric!

ENOUGH!

Daggummit Burl you’re filthy and stuff and you too Mayberry I mean like you ain’t in no position to judge both of you get out of here this here meeting’s important.

Is it?

Pound sand, iceberg.

Errryuns focis! Theees abowd thee hov!

Je suis tellement en avance sur mon temps, je suis sur le point de commencer une autre vie
Regarde derrière toi, je suis sur le point de vous passer deux fois.


That’s right, Ruben baby, it’s a new era for J-Roll and Phillies baseball.

**RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING**


Hello?

Look what you made me do, look what I made for you
(Amaro’s email notifier beeps)
Knew if Jimmy paid his dues, how will they pay you
When you first come in the game they try to play you
Then you drop a couple of hits; look how they wave to you.

Wait, wait hold up. Nobody’s waving goodbye to Jimmy.

That’s right. Check your email. I just sent you our demands for J-Rizoll’s new contract extension. 
Player is the face of your franchise, you can’t even put a dollar value on that. 
But don’t worry, we tried.

You’ve got to be kidding me.

NOPE.
HOV.

Holla at your boy, Rube. We need this deal done by May 1 or Jay says we ready to walk right up out of here.

WALK, huh. That’s funny.


Yeah what does that even MEAN? Anyway, if you need me, don’t call.

R-O-C-K a fella outta here, Paps!


EFF P.DIDDY, THIS IS ABOUT JIMMY AND DIANEEEEEE
TWO AMERICAN KIDS GROWING UP IN THE BROOKLYN 
JIMMY GONNA BE A BASEBALL STARRRRR
DIANE DEBUTANTE CLUB SEATS CITIZENS BANK PARK.

*record scratch*

RAP CRITICS SAYYYY JACK IS MONEY CASH HOESSSS, BUT HE’S FROM THE HOMELAND STUPID, WHAT TYPES OF FACTS ARE THOSE? 

*record scratch* 

OHHHHH YEAH (UNHH), LIFE GOES ONNNNNN
LONG AFTER THE THRILL, OF EVADING 5-0 IS GONE
OHHHHH YEAH, LIFE GOES ONNNNNN
LONG AFTER THE K-9 SEARCH TEAM IS DONE
HIT ME

GOTTA LET IT ROCK (HOV!)
LET IT ROLLLLL
LET THE BIBLE BELT (WHAT)
COME AND SAVE MY SOULLLLLL

HOLD ON TO SIXTEEEEEEN AS LONG AS YOU CAN
FOLLOW THE BLUEPRINT
AND TRUST JIGGA MAN

What the hell was that?

(long, audible sigh)
I wonder if the Astros need an assistant GM...




Fin.


9 comments:

  1. Shout out to my shitty hometown of emmaus. Love it

    ReplyDelete
  2. "WALK... huh, Thats funny..." XD

    ReplyDelete
  3. It's like a novel for retarded people.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "low rent apartment in Emmaus"
    Excellent work. Excellent.

    ReplyDelete
  5. THIS IS SO FUNNY OHMIGOD

    holy hell this slayed me

    ReplyDelete
  6. When did Pat come back to town!? Love it.

    ReplyDelete

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