Tuesday, April 9, 2013

The Phillies As Jurassic Park (3-D!) Characters

Written by Justin Klugh. He's the man behind a great Phillies blog--That Ball's Outta Here; he's also a sports producer for a little thing known as Philly.com (don't tell anyone but I'm trying to hire him away from those losers). The following is his spin on a classic, recurring ZWR premise, "The Phillies As..."


Chances are, you spent another Friday night wondering where all the cool kids went.  Well, as a jealous co-worker revealed for all of Twitter to see, we were all doing what cool kids do when we aren't making web sites or coming up stuff to put on our web sites: seeing movies in 3-D.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Hey, guy--I live my life in the third dimension. Why should I pay $15.50 to wear some goggles in the dark?" And the answer is, you shouldn't. 

Regardless, in celebration of Jurassic Park coming out in 3-D, here are your Philadelphia Phillies as cast members of 1993's greatest film. #1993 #phillies #illuminati

Jimmy Rollins as the Dilophosaurus
Charming, non threatening, playful - but hang around too long and he'll spit paralyzing goo into your face. Only the goo is a late-inning home run that almost wins you the game.  

Mostly, the parallel here is the swag.  Jimmy will peacock with the best of them, strutting around charity events and locker rooms with all the fashion sense of an extinct reptile.  Dilophosaurus, penchant for devouring Newman aside, is the most stylish of the beasts, showing off its glorious, slithery mane to anyone willing to hang around in the rain.  

Come to think of it, both of these fashionistas may have their finest performances during inclement weather.

Roy Halladay as the Brachiosaurus with a Cold
The massive mainstay of the group; the legend, quietly taking care of himself.  But even 50-foot monsters and 6 and a half foot monsters get sick and old and hard to watch in their decline. If he's gonna go out, he's gonna go out on his own terms:  Sneezing in a little girl's face.

Chase Utley as Dr. Alan Grant
In a park full of turncoats, cowards, monsters, and thieves, these guys are both the only ones who seem to have any idea what they're doing.  They didn't want to be in the situation they're in, but they'll be damned if they're not going to survive it.  

Also, despite a gruff exterior, both have shown charming empathy toward cute animals/annoying children.

Cliff Lee, Mike Adams, Antonio Bastardo, and Phillippe Aumont as the Raptor Pack
Slick, smart, and menacing, this quad of killers has pitched a combined 14 innings, allowing zero earned runs, and four hits, leaving a trail of 15 victims in their wake.

Aumont has walked three guys in two innings, though.  He can be the doofy raptor that gets trapped in a meat locker by a nine-year-old.

The Nationals as That Twerpy Little Kid Says Raptors are just "Six-Foot Turkeys"
If only Dr. Chase Utley would explain to these pompous little dorks with disturbing precision the method with which they would be delicately eviscerated and devoured by Cliff Lee.

It's been a few days since I've seen the movie, but I am 100% positive that kid was wearing a Nationals hat. At least he went on to be not a creepy adult at all.  [WARNING: Extreme creepiness]

Dom Brown as Ray "Hold Onto Your Butts" Arnold
He's rebooted the system, and now, with a streak of optimism, he's ready to give it another shot. 

"I got this guys!" Dom says with the bases loaded.  **Is devoured by raptors**

Delmon Young as the Triceratops who Pooped Too Much
Go ahead, picture Delmon Young right now.  What's he doing?  Staying on top of an intense rehab program? No.  He's lying on the ground in a heap, huffing and moaning while a team of Phillies trainers in a gas-powered jeep take turns saying "Well I don't know what the [BARGLE!] is wrong with him.  He's just lying there, occasionally asking for another bucket of West Indian Lilacs and giving B.J. Rosenberg angry glances."

Ruben Amaro as John Hammond
One is a delusional old man, driven by a desire for control over the uncontrollable.  The other doesn't think walks are important when trying to score runs.  Both seem to undervalue a key aspect of the respective leadership: that getting on base is part of offense, and that dinosaurs do whatever the [FARGLE!] they want no matter how many dudes in hard hats with little glowy sticks are surrounding them.

I mean one guy gets chewed up by a raptor in captivity, and Hammond has to call in a bunch of scientists to prove the park is safe - and then they spend the weekend trying not to get chewed up.  Hammond spends about four hours in Jurassic Park without everything descending into life-threatening chaos, all while watching his top three staffers slowly disappear one by one.

Rube's maintained the illusion of control as well, inheriting Pat Gillick's masterpiece, acquiring star players, and assembling what has become a rotation with three studs in it. Those studs seem to put him in good standing, but they're overall health doesn't care if it's a contract year.  

Charlie Manuel as Robert "Clever Girl" Muldoon
A proven expert, he's worked in a wide variety of locations with a very specific set of skills: hitting/big game hunting. And while it's gotten him to the top of his field, it would only take one conversation with a scientist/statistician to broaden his effectiveness.

With Muldoon, that conversation would have been with Dr. Grant, who described the very method raptors use to hunt at the beginning of the film; a method Muldoon was not aware of, or he would still be uneaten by raptors. With Charlie, that conversation would have been with @Phrontiersman, who so graciously offers a counter point to Charlie's insistence on using certain pitchers during certain innings.

Michael Martinez as That Chunk of Goat-Meat that Lands on Top of the Car

For the 3D version of the film, they actually dubbed in the sound of Michael Martinez hitting the DL to more accurately portray a slab of goat landing on a car


  1. Although Speiberg is credited as director for JP I find it hard to believe he was involved in the day to day production of that film for it has none of the feel or character of his other masterful or pedestrian film features; I found this film boring and poorly acted,
    Even tough Rubes was given a World Series winning team he has manage to run it to the bottom of the division through a few exorbitant contracts and mediocre fill ins while depleting the farm system for must win now trades. This feature sucks.

    1. But it's in 3 dimensions, you dope!

    2. ....making it all the more painful to watch.
      Ruben, ... We haven't been able to see how Delmon runs " because he hasn't been getting on base a lot ."
      I can't wait to see this in 3-D,

    3. Baumann is that you?


Leave a comment, or whatever.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...