Friday, May 31, 2013

Welcome, Little One

As I lay down last night in that chair thingy that extends into a bed, watching a crappy web feed of the Phils game amidst the beeping of machines and (not at all) interruptions of (amazing) nurses, holding a newborn son named after the man who taught me to love the team, I was overcome a bit with even more emotion than already enveloped the Nag and me. Baseball, like life (if I'm stretching here, kindly recall that I've slept like thirteen minutes and give me some bolgtistic license), is a daily event. One day's disappointment can be met by the next's reclamation. That reclamation then with majesty. That majesty then with humility. That humility then with, oh, who knows, more disappointment. Have you then, all told, accomplished nothing? Not at all.

"What can I write that sounds all smart?", I whispered to him. "Scoreboards measure victories, not winners. How's that?" He farted, I laughed.

I'm kind of glad the Phils lost 9-2 and someone set a silly record against them last night. Growing up we watched so many losses, and so many bad teams. The Phillies were baseball's equivalent of a homecoming opponent. We watched them together. This donkey is going to witness a ton of losses. But, clearly, that never meant- and won't ever mean- as much as the watching.

Enjoy it, kids. Enjoy it all.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Craigslist Phils Date Girl Date Recap #1 (!!!)

You guys know all about Craigslist Phils Date Girl and her crazy story (summarized: awesome Phils fan wants to hang out with cool guys, posts Craigslist ad, Nats dorks poop themselves, we laugh in their dumb faces and enjoy life). As promised, here is the first in a series of long-anticipated, ***EXCLUSIVE*** date recaps from this weekend's Phils/Natinals series. Note: ever the artistic pen, CPDG wrote this entry in reverse chronological order.  

Craigslist Phils Date Girl here! I got a lot of intrigue from my Craigslist ad, so I decided to take notes on my Macbook during my date with FriDave. I can't believe I have two more of these!


Three Years Ago Today

"I can't say enough about the job that Ruiz did tonight, really. I felt like he was calling a great game up until the fourth or fifth, and at that point, I just felt like I'd let him take over and go with him. He did a great job. Like I said, it was kind of a no-brainer for me. I'd just go out, see the glove and hit it." Halladay only shrugged off Ruiz once the entire game. 

5/28/13 vs. Red Sox - One Sentence Recap

"Cliff Lee being CLIFF LEE and the Phillies being the 2013 Phillies."

Pic via @Phillies

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

An Optimistic Point/Counterpoint

Point: "The Phillies are terrible and haven't scored more than a run in like a month and OMG the Red Sox are a juggernaut and blah blah hold me ZWR I'm scareddddddddddddd."


All we have is today.

5/24/13 to 5/26/13 vs. Natinals - One Sentence Series Recap

"It's hard to get too upset when you're grilling out and drinking beer all weekend."

Keep smiling, yo

5/27/13 vs. Red Sox - One Sentence Game Recap

"While wearing camouflage to honor American heroes, the Philadelphia Phillies got crushed 9-3 by the Boston Red Sox."

Friday, May 24, 2013

Advice for the 2013 Graduates

Dear Graduates,

For you, on this special day (and including those of you who graduated last weekend, or whatever), I’d like to take some time to impart wisdom I’ve learned in my own years since graduation. Is it cliche? Sure! Is it easy content for a bolg on a holiday weekend? YOU BETCHA.

But hopefully you’ll find some pearls that will aid you as you enter the next, likely much less enjoyable, phases of your life. So sit back, relax, and try not to think about the crushing amount of student loan debt that’s already putting you at a disadvantage.

  • If you’re graduating from college, pretty much all the fun in your life is over. I’m sorry, but I owe it to you to be blunt. You’ll still have the weekends, though!
    • Actually, go to grad school (non-MBA, unless you can get into a top 10 school). Like, open a new browser window and start applying to UCLA, Northwestern, and Stanford RIGHT NOW. Focus on location and alumni networks.

  • If you can at all afford it (and probably even if you can’t), go on some epic trip with your friends. Also take a lot of pictures of yourself in exotic locales wearing ZWR apparel, and send them to you favorite bolging penguin.

Comparing Pete Orr and Michael Martinez

With Chase Utley headed to the disabled list, the Phils faced a decision: who to call up to fill the utility infielder role? Conventional wisdom had it down to two options- Michael Martinez and Pete Orr. Here's ZWR's analytical analysis analyzing the situation (analytically):


With a career OPS of .621, Orr clearly surpasses Martinez's output (yeah, think on that). In the small sample/what have you done for me lately department, Orr hit .315 for the Phils in 57 plate appearances in 2012.

Thursday, May 23, 2013


It took a few months, but they found me. I don't know how, frankly. It took just the right person with just the right combination of seething, misplaced rage, low-functioning lateral thinking skills and lack of satirical detection abilities. But he found me. And for that, today we rejoice.

Behold, an email I received this morning from a gentleman, in response to yesterday's completely absurd and self-deprecating "Health Tips for Ryan Howard" article for

Enter AngryFace McGee:
Yo whoever you're hiding behind your phony name and computer. What a classless piece of garbage you conjured up today. Here's what you ought to do, go right to Howard's face and repeat this b.s. You have no clue what Ryan Howard does to with his body or puts in his body but yet you think that your wise-assed disrespectful nonsense has any validity? I guess i could have stopped at you have no clue though huh pal? I guess we can expect to read about how Chase Utley could stay on the field more and actually be productive as opposed to the myth that people like you create for him if he were to curtail his drinking right? No way. You clowns are too busy lighting candles for him and making up excuses for his poor play. Rule number one of the local media, never speak ill of golden boy Chase Utley but take every cheap shot you can at Howard and Jimmy Rollins. But I digress. Once again have the stones to say this garbage to the man's face little fella. I guess it's much esier to hide behind an alias and a computer though isn't it? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Glorious. This guy totally gets it. I may print a copy of this and mail it up the basement steps to my Mom.

Haircut Party!!!

Always on hand to break the big scoops, producer and The Fightins ace reporter Justin reported yesterday that Freddy Galvis, John Mayberry, Jr., and Ben Revere stopped in (along with Marcell Ozuna) to get haircuts at Miami's Original Headz Up Barber Shop while in town to play the fish. I think you'll find their choices tasteful and stylish.

5/22/13 vs. Marlins - One Sentence Game Recap

"Cliff Lee threw a three-hit, complete game shutout and had two singles... whatever."

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

There Was Just a Butt on TV During the Phillies Game (Warning: Butt Pics (Srsly))

Dude I know South Beach is supposed to be crazy and all but it's the ballpark, people. YEESH. Have some dignity!

BUTT PICS from the Marlins FOX Sports (family values, eh?) broadcast after the jump don't click if you don't want to see a BUTT please thank you.

You Cannot Silence "Craigslist Phils Date Girl"!

Nice try Natitards:

Way to fail at the SICK BURN, dcist:
"Jonathan Pettibone is a 22-year-old rookie who while good, is no Matt Harvey, or even Jordan Zimmermann. And, if one overlooks the tepid run support, Stephen Strasburg is having a better season, too."
But here's the thing: as always, we'll win. We're simply cooler than you. Your favorite penguin has been in extensive, hilarious, wait what-iest contact with Craigslist Phils Date Girl (context here) and has some updates for everyone:

Health Tips for Ryan Howard

In my ongoing effort to enrage the commentors on, I wrote this article for the good people over at today. Go ahead, give it a read. But in case you're too lazy to click the link from two sentences ago or click this link here, I went ahead and gave you a little snippet:


This is key. We have this fitness center in my office that I’ve been taking advantage of recently. I imagine the Phillies have some elliptical machines? If so, jump on one. My favorite course is “Hills Interval”. Man, that thing gets the blood flowing. And you’re moving your arms while getting a good burn on the lower half. This might even help that knee and Achilles out, in addition to cutting some poundage. I’ve dropped two pounds since the beginning of May and I feel great. Twenty-five minutes on one of those bad boys with a three-minute cool down and you’ll notice a big difference in no time. You’re welcome.
Thus far everyone loves it!

At least he admits that I'm a JOURNALIST.

The Phillies in Bobby Brown's "Every Little Step" Video

Because everything about that idea is perfect and right with the world.

"Right Ted? We outta here."

5/21/13 vs. Marlins - One Sentence Game Recap

"Delmon Young hit a homerun (WHATTUP PITCHES), the Phillies beat the Marlins exactly how you're supposed to beat the Marlins, and the Sixers got the 11th pick (lol) in the NBA draft."

Mike Ehrmann/Getty

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Yo - Somebody Go on a Date With this Girl's Friend

I know this is probably a bad idea but I can't help myself I love being a matchmaker besides who doesn't like to go to baseball games and drink beer it can't hurt I mean what else are you doing that's better playing Call of Duty online with your old frat buddies?

The link: BOOM (Note: She's no "butterbod", and she says "standard deviation" and "douchebaggery" in the same sentence.)
I'm a 23 y/o female Phildelphia fan in search of a male companion to go to the Phillies/Nats series with me this weekend.
I'll buy your ticket, and you can pay me back by buying me a beer every few innings or so (okay, probably it'll be more like every inning). We will bond our over our shared love of Philly sports, argue about how many Cy Young awards Jonathan Pettibone will win in the next decade, heckle Jayson Werth, and maybe even share our musings on what the Chip Kelly era will look like if we're feeling intimate. We'll see where the game goes as the beer hits, and no matter where we sit we can make it into our own 700 level.

MKD's friend's search for love has made the Washington Post.

I love it when a plan comes together

Esotericky Bottalico Weighs In On Last Night's Game

5/20/13 vs. Marlins - One Sentence Game Recap

"In front of a ravenous crowd of seventeen people, the Phils fell to the Marlins 5-1."

Monday, May 20, 2013

Aroldis Chapman's Binge Eating Fails to Impress

As basically everyone ONLY SPIKE ESKIN is reporting, Aroldis Chapman may or may not have eaten 18 pastries that were provided to him by Phillies Spanish-language broadcaster Rickie Ricardo. Putting aside the debate as to whether or not that is appropriate behavior from a professional athlete, or if it could have affected his play, you have to admit that's pretty impressive, right? Right?

Super Pumped Marlins Fan Guy Is Psyched For Tonight!!!

We all love Super Pumped Marlins Fan Guy (aka @anostro). Well, it's no surprise that he's pretty pumped for tonight's game. Here, check it:

The Walkoff (NBA JAM @BenRevere9 edition)

Click to Humongify

5/19/13 vs. Reds - One Sentence Game Recap

"The Phillies wonned on back-to-back home runs off of Aroldis Chapman by Eric Kratz and Freddy Galvis after Cliff Lee got picked off first while pinch running for Delmon Young after his four-pitch walk."

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Saturday, May 18, 2013

5/17/13 vs. Reds - One Sentence Game Recap

"We won an awesome game and Tug made this awesome GIF."

ZWR In the Wild- Macho Row Edition

I actually have a buttload of In the Wild pics to post, but ZWR enthusiast Rich's tweeted-ed out photo had to take precedence, as it features a member (and leader) of the 1993 National League Champion Phillies.

Woot yes please it's the weekend and life is goooooooooood!!!

Friday, May 17, 2013

I Was on @CSNPhilly's Lunch Break Again Today With @RheaHughes

I  appeared on CSN's Lunch Break again today, so you should all watch it.

Topics include: Roy Halladay (duh), The Hindendurb, John Chaney, MEDIUM BALLS, the Dietz and Watson family of fine deli meats, Rhea's shirt/accesory combination, Mike Adams being devoured by a tiger, penguin analytics, pink shirts, Roy's favorite lunch spot in Newtown Square, Me being the COO of Comcast Sportsnet soon, Chip Kelly's smoothie formula, Michael Vick and Joseph Stalin.

It was an action-packed 10 minutes and 12 seconds:

If the video doesn't display above, click here.


You guys know the Eric Kratz commercials, right? That's right- the ones for Godshall's Quality Meats!  Well yesterday I poked a little fun at the Pensnylvania-rooted third generation family run meat business with this adorbs pic from the Chase Utley Casino Night:

Original Photo by ZWR staff photographer @pompomflipflop

And they, pretty much immediately, countered with this gem:

Awesome, right? There really isn't any point to this story; I just like people who "get it". So go out and buy like fifteen cases of turkey bacon and CANADIAN turkey bacon and turkroll and turkey sausage and whatever else strikes your fancy because at some point in time an employee of this fine, thriving business said, "Okay, I really need to take some time to focus and photoshop the penguin on a golf course eating turkey bacon and holding a seven iron to post on Twitter." 

Thursday, May 16, 2013


ZWR sources are reporting that Roy Halladay came through his surgery successfully!!! Here, see for yourselves:

This is undoubtedly good news. Though I find it hard to believe it'll take HLHIII six to eight weeks to get back into the swi...



Even more ZWR sources out in Cali are reporting that, well, I'll just let you see this for yourselves:

The Phillies as Characters from Baseball Movies

The Phillies as Characters from Baseball Movies

Roy Halladay is Henry Rowengartner from Rookie of the Year

Roy Halladay has dominated baseball for a long time. An eight-time All-Star, two-time Cy Young winner, a perfect game in 2010, and a no-hitter in his first-ever playoff start. Not to mention over 2,000 career strikeouts that led to just as many (if not more) broken faces. The city has been enamored with his professionalism and work ethic since he came to town in 2010. He was the inspiration for the world's greatest and most awesomest bolg in the universe (duh). 

Roy Halladay Surgery Update

ZWR sources on the scene in Los Angeles report that Doc came through yesterday's surgery swimmingly. In fact, I hinted at this last night on the Twitter.

Unfortunately, there is some sad news to report. Shortly after the procedure was completed, Michael Martinez passed away due to complications. As such, his status is still "still dead". 

5/15/13 vs. Indians - One Sentence Game Recap

"Dude I'm totally over losing to the stupid Indians."

[no picture. go screw.]

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

A Reflection, As We Wait for News on Roy Halladay's Surgery

As you may have heard, Harry Leroy Halladay III is having surgery performed by Sylvester Stallone's brother-in-law on his otherwise invincible right shoulder today. And while I fully expect to hear news that Roy is already in the weight room doing shoulder shrugs with fifteen 45lb plates (one extra for the right side, duh) later this afternoon, or that he insisted on doing pushups with Joe Blanton sitting on his back eating a bowl of Reese's Puffs cereal throughout the entire procedure, I think it's fair to pause a beat and reflect.

This bolg started merely as a silly gag that I never expected to gain anywhere near the level of its current readership. But somehow, many thousands of you now read it every month, and for that, I am incredibly grateful. A lot of that traces back (and bear with me here) to the truly heroic, and stoic, nature of Roy Halladay. It's a lot easier to drop your guard and bow to someone who seems superhuman, and it's only reinforced when the ethic behind that meshes with our value system. He's a special breed of athlete- ruthless, team-centered, humble.

I'm not delusional here, I'm a dork. We're all dorks. Compared to Roy Halladay, 99.9% of the people on this planet are dorks. But we own it as well as anyone, donkey nation. The face-breaking one is behind that, because it's pretty damn easy to admit you aren't about to be running steps at 5:30 in the morning when you already have a $60M contract in your back pocket... right next to two Cy Young awards, a perfect game, and a playoff no-hitter.  Let's wish him a safe and healthy return. He deserves that, and all of the good things that are awaiting once his recovery is complete.

Esotericky Bottalico Has an Update On Roy Halladay

CK's AMATEUR PHOTOSHOP HOUR: "Not at the table Carlos Zambrano"

5/14/13 vs. Indians - One Sentence Game Recap

"The pitching was good and the hitting was good and we wonned."

Photo: Ron Cortes,

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

A Poem, On The Occasion of Roy's Birthday

Roy's Birthday, by special guest contributor and ZWR enthusiast Jonathan Swift

Roy this day is thirty-six,
(We shan't dispute a proper fix:)
However, Roy, be not dismayed,
Although thy cuffs and tendons frayed,
Since first we saw thee at thirty two,
The brightest pitcher on the crew;
So little is thy form declin'd;
Made up so largely in donkey's mind.

Oh, would it please the gods to split
Thy deliv'ry, size, and years, and wit;
No age could furnish out a pair
Of men so graceful, wise, and fair;
As Chooch and Roy their signs a-flutter,
With half your command, control, and cutter.
And then, before men got on base,
How should they beg you save their face?
(That one and all might have their due)
Perchance thy shall attend the zoo.

"The Voice" Live Show Battle Rounds Knockout America Votes Episode Recap

This hipster's performance straight up killed Michael Martinez.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Sam Hinkie REAL LIFE ARTICLE Yes, Please

We knew it was going to happen, it was just a matter of who and when. Someone was going to write the real life, stone serious version of this column. If you had Marcus Hayes and Monday in the block pool, congrats, you just won a new TI-85! It's just too delectable. Let's get right to it:

FS09 wrote: "Some have called it a huge step in the right direction, others have used it to say that this hiring has reinforced that the Sixers finally have ownership in place that actually cares about building a championship basketball team. I don't get it."

Hayes wrote: "Harris' group of hoops hobbyists, the Philadelphia 76ers, last week hired 35-year-old Stanford MBA graduate Sam Hinkie to be the team's president of basketball operations and general manager. Twinkies (no, for serious, that lede) have a timeless allure. Hinkie is more the flavor of the month."

5/12/13 vs. Diamond B's - One Sentence Game Recap

"In the immortal words of Mike Meech, 'Ryan. Motherf#$*ing Howard.'"

Sunday, May 12, 2013

The Preemptive Anti-Sam Hinkie Strike, A @FanSince09 Exclusive

The Sixers Need More Than Numbers
by An Aging Professional Sportswriter 

Everyone's been abuzz with praise for the Sixers hiring on former Houston Rockets Assistant General Manager Sam Hinkie. Some have called it a huge step in the right direction, others have used it to say that this hiring has reinforced that the Sixers finally have ownership in place that actually cares about building a championship basketball team.

I don't get it.

Nobody will deny that the Sixers had one of their worst seasons in recent history. Nobody will deny that there needed to be a complete change from top to bottom, that the very culture of the team had to change. But is this really the answer?

5/11/13 vs. Diamond B's - One Sentence Game Recap

"Cliff Lee rules."

Getty Images

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Hey Remember This?

Remember this? This ruled. UNCLE MILT:

If you're looking to re-live 1993 this week because 2013 is depressing you, check out Dan from Philly Phaithful's line of 1993 Phillies t-shirts.

via Philly Phaithful

5/10/13 vs. Diamond B's - One Sentence Game Recap

"The Phillies--stop me if you've heard this one before--lost a one run game after failing to generate much offense."

Cody Ross, of course it was Cody Ross.
AP photo

Ruben Amaro Jr. Also Has a Message for Phillies Fans

In a dramatic follow-up to yesterday's heartfelt Roy Halladay apology, Ruben Amaro Jr. today distributed the following picture to the entirety of the Philadelphia sports media:

What could it mean? Original Photo

There was no message or body copy attached, so one can only speculate as to his intentions.

It's probably safe to assume, however, that the notoriously smug and cocksure General Manager was attempting to tell Phillies fans to "f*ck off" in response to repeated criticism of his offseason acquisitions. These acquisitions included: a light-hitting, old third-baseman who was one of the worst players in baseball last year; a swing-happy, anti-semitic, hate-crime convicted "outfielder"; a set-up man with no sensation in his pitching arm; a pitcher who once nearly ended Chase Utley's career; and a charming outfielder who unfortunately also happens to be incapable of hitting the ball out of the infield.

We'll have more details for you on this situation as it develops.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Roy Halladay Apologizes to Phillies Fans

Yes, that's right, the two-time Cy Young Award winner who threw a perfect game and playoff no-hitter while playing on a below-market-value contract he signed specifically for the opportunity to pitch in Philadelphia **APOLOGIZED** to the fans for getting hurt. Check Ryan Lawrence's face-breaking piece on Some choice quotes:
"So, one, I just wanted to thank them for their support. And my heart goes out to all of the people who spend all of their money and go out to the games and don't get to see what they want to see." 
"I just wanted to reach out to the fans, thank them for their support and apologize to the ones who pay the money and show up in the second inning and it's 9-0. I apologize to the fans that I won't be out there for three months ... If I paid $60 and the team was down 9-0 when I showed up, I wouldn’t like me."
Are you kidding me? This guy is once-in-a-lifetime special, and not just because of his talent. 

Thank you, Roy. 

GIF FROM THE FUTURE: Tyler Cloyd vs. Diamond B's

Thanks to ZWR's proprietary internet remote viewing technology and an innate ability to construct incredibly long sentences, here's a GIF of Tyler Cloyd, he of the recently-called-up-to-replace-someone-who-doesn't-deserve-the-horror-of-one-day-potentially-having-to-read-his-name-in-the-same-sentence-as-Tyler-Cloyd's Tyler Cloyds, facing the Arizona Diamond B's later this evening:


H/T to, where I found the gif

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