Friday, May 24, 2013

Advice for the 2013 Graduates






Dear Graduates,

For you, on this special day (and including those of you who graduated last weekend, or whatever), I’d like to take some time to impart wisdom I’ve learned in my own years since graduation. Is it cliche? Sure! Is it easy content for a bolg on a holiday weekend? YOU BETCHA.

But hopefully you’ll find some pearls that will aid you as you enter the next, likely much less enjoyable, phases of your life. So sit back, relax, and try not to think about the crushing amount of student loan debt that’s already putting you at a disadvantage.


  • If you’re graduating from college, pretty much all the fun in your life is over. I’m sorry, but I owe it to you to be blunt. You’ll still have the weekends, though!
    • Actually, go to grad school (non-MBA, unless you can get into a top 10 school). Like, open a new browser window and start applying to UCLA, Northwestern, and Stanford RIGHT NOW. Focus on location and alumni networks.

  • If you can at all afford it (and probably even if you can’t), go on some epic trip with your friends. Also take a lot of pictures of yourself in exotic locales wearing ZWR apparel, and send them to you favorite bolging penguin.

  • Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life! Hahaha that’s crap. Doesn’t exist. But if you can pull that off, you’ll also probably be very poor and therefore all alone, but still. It probably beats sitting in a cubicle, slaving your life away to make other people rich.

  • Read zoowithroy.com everyday, multiple times a day. Especially if you work in a cubicle, slaving your life away to make other people rich.

  • Don’t get a part-time MBA unless your work pays for 100% of it. 

  • I’m just saying, tending bar in the Caribbean isn’t the worst thing a 22 year old could do for a year or two. I took a job with some a**hat “e-commerce” jawn after I graduated school and it did nothing for my career at all, and stunk going to every day. I’d have much rather spent those years in a place that looked like this

  • 10-15 years from now you’ll be buying a minivan, so make sure you go USED. You’ll just have to trust me on this one.


    Ball. Out.

  • Speaking of cars, NEVER pay for the stupid fluid changes they try and scam you on at the dealership. Who cares if your transmission fluid is dirty! I’m sure it’ll be fine. Besides, what does the transmission even do?

  • If you move away from the Philly area, make sure you’re known as “the obnoxious Philadelphia sports fan” in your neighborhood/office/church/battalion. It’s better to be that than the spineless, turncoat scab pig who starts rooting for the Redskins because “My wife and her whole family is from DC, bro!” 

  • If your boss asks you to put your work email on your iPhone/Samsung Droid Razor 7G, ask him (or her!) where the cell phone reimbursement forms are on the portal.

  • NEVER buy tickets to a playoff game from a scalper outside Citizens Bank Park, even if they “look real”. That said, sucks for you we only made the playoffs when you were in college. SICK BURN!

  • Everything in moderation. This is probably the key to life in general, unless it’s the weekend and we’re talking about booze.

  • Granite countertops are an important feature for the resale of your home. Bathrooms and kitchens, kid. 

  • On the topic of homes, live at home with your parents as long as they’ll tolerate it. I’m talking up to and possibly including your first year of married life. Save your money. Chances are you won’t be able to find a good job and will have to do this anyway, but even after you’ve landed that sweet gig at Accenture and you’re traveling all over the Northeast and Mid-Atlantic to implement client solutions every week, stay at home until they kick you out. Then when they do, you’ll have enough saved for a large down payment, potentially enough to avoid PMI, which will crush your spirit because it just seems like a scam. 

  • Never wear sunscreen. No one will tell you this, but it’s probably more important that your body synthesizes essential Vitamin D through sun exposure than it is to avoid the occasional sunburn. Just don’t be stupid about it and you’ll be fine. Of course I’m just an idiot with a bolg so you probably shouldn’t take health tips from me.

  • I will close with the best advice a man ever gave me (my baseball coach when I was 15), and that is: “Think, hustle and have fun. See you out there.”


9 comments:

  1. Note: If you're of Irish descent and the sun can scorch your pale skin after roughly thirty seconds, wear sunscreen. At least if you're going to the beach or whatever. Vitamin D isn't that important.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you missed the sunscreen reference. Its a spoken word piece from the 90s, as a graduation speech. Check it out...

      Delete
  2. "If you move away from the Philly area, make sure you’re known as 'the obnoxious Philadelphia sports fan' in your neighborhood/office/church/battalion. It’s better to be that than the spineless, turncoat scab pig who starts rooting for the Redskins because 'My wife and her whole family is from DC, bro!'"

    Spoken like a true DC transplant from Philly.

    ReplyDelete
  3. PMI!!!! (shaking fist at the heavens)

    ReplyDelete
  4. You wrote this a year too late for me, Zoo. I could have used this already. Now I'm living in a box and somehow my iPhone still works. I think my mom is still paying for me, bless her heart.

    ReplyDelete
  5. +1 from "guy reading zoowithroy.com everyday whilst in a cubicle, slaving my life away to make other people rich."

    ReplyDelete
  6. Just farted at my desk.

    ReplyDelete
  7. WAIT WHAT IS PMI IM SCARED NOW

    ReplyDelete

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