Nice try Natitards:
Way to fail at the SICK BURN, dcist:
"Jonathan Pettibone is a 22-year-old rookie who while good, is no Matt Harvey, or even Jordan Zimmermann. And, if one overlooks the tepid run support, Stephen Strasburg is having a better season, too."But here's the thing: as always, we'll win. We're simply cooler than you. Your favorite penguin has been in extensive, hilarious, wait what-iest contact with Craigslist Phils Date Girl (context here) and has some updates for everyone:
1. She rules. Srsly, I love her.
2. She preliminarily has dates for all three games lined up.
3. She's going to post EXCLUSIVE DATE RECAPS to I Want to Go to the Zoo with Roy Halladay-- the worlds foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay (follow us online at zoowithroy.com).
Here, in CPDG's own words. Email One:
"Once you posted it, I got some ones that fit the fargling bill. Basically now I have a shortlist of 8 dream men that I have to figure out how to pencil them into the games this weekend. I also got some messages of support from Philly fans (Editor's Note: Because Phillies fans get it), and a bunch of stupid irrelevant stuff like 'Natstown is our house b****' (Editor's Note: Because Nats fans are idiots), 'Why don't you support a real team like the Yankees?', and 'Don't you mean Jonathan Pappelbon?' (which I believe was said in earnest).
Some moron commented on the WaPo 'let's spam this girl!', but luckily that hasn't happened.Email Two:
I think when I get home tonight I am going to look through all the responses and figure out a game plan of how I can spread like 8 hot bros out over 3 games. On the bright side, it looks like I found an awesome crew here in DC to hang out with and watch future games with. I did this more for the hell of it, not to actually find my soul mate, but I think I came out with a lot of solid potential friends to watch sports with, which I was not expecting.
Again, I'm happy to work with you and you'll be the only blog (sic) I talk to, but I just really really do not want my name/picture or any other personal info that's not already in the craigslist ad attached to this. But I'm sure you can come up with some clever ideas of how to post an update!"
"P.S. In the event that f I do find love this weekend, I am going to ask you to officiate the wedding which will be held at Citizens Bank Park."Email Three:
"Tonight I am going to vet the responses and reply to ones I deem worthy, and figure out if I would want to meet any in person. Most people seem like they are interested in having some beers, laughs, and hating on Bryce Harper, not actually looking to hook up off of Craigslist. I already have at least one friend who will be going to each game with me, and I would only meet up with anyone on Craigslist inside the ballpark, so I figure my chances of getting murdered are pretty average."Email Four:
"K cool!!! I'm presently trying to work out the logistics of going to 3 games in 3 days with 3 diff hottiez who I have never met before all while trying to pretend I'm doing work today. Hoping to lock my suitors in by tonight.
I entered data on these bros into a spreadsheet, and I essentially get paid to screw around with spreadsheets all day, so thankfully the boss lady doesn't suspect a thing yet."Email Just Now:
"I am giddy with anticipation!!! As an update: I've 'popped the question' to 2 bros (one for Sunday, one for Sat), but I have like a zillion on the back-burner if those don't work out. YOU ALREADY ARE A HERO, Z!"And there you have it, kids. Stay tuned for the sparkling conclusion.