Sunday, June 30, 2013

6/29/13 vs. Dodgers - One Sentence Recap

"Charlie Manuel had to remove the guy making $25M per year for a bench player because the other team brought in a left-handed pitcher."

AP Photo: One of Chase Utley's two home runs

Saturday, June 29, 2013

6/28/13 vs. Dodgers - One Sentence Recap

"Delmon Young had 6 RBI, the Phils had 21 hits, and we won 16-1."

AP Photo

Friday, June 28, 2013

Comprehensive 2013 NBA Draft Review

by Jacob, ZWR Basketball Insider

Anybody know when the draft is? What? It’s when? Yesterday?

Just kidding, you guys. What kind of NBA Insider would I be if I had missed the first twenty or so picks to line soccer fields for a 6v6 tournament? Exactly. Let’s get to it.

Photo Essay: The Secret to Kyle Kendrick’s Success

A Detailed Analysis of Kyle Kendrick’s Pitching Motion

“Let’s go, Kyle! You can do this! Mom even told you so on the phone last night.”

“Oooooooooh, a ball!”

“Gee willikers, Kyle! Get it together!”

“You're from the 70s, but I'm a 90s bitch …  I love it!”

“Damn that song’s catchy. Snap out of it…”
“OK, let’s go… Here comes the secret weapon.”

6/27/13 vs. Dodgers - One Sentence Recap

"A day after I praised them in my recap, the bullpen allowed three runs in two innings of work and the Phillies lost to Puigs."


Thursday, June 27, 2013

Apropos of Nothing, Here's a Charlie Manuel Stick Figure Crotch-Thrust gif

(even more after the jump!)

.@ohholybutt Analyzes Potential Sixers First Round Pick

Here’s a fun fact: I did not watch the Philadelphia 76ers play a single second of basketball this year. No, my knowledge of the team is based entirely on what I saw on Twitter and what I just read on the team’s Wikipedia page*. As a former NBA player** and scout***, however, I feel I am more than qualified to discuss where the team should go with its first round draft pick this year.

6/26/13 vs. Padres - One Sentence Recap

"Ramirez, Aumont, Diekman, and Savery combined for six scoreless innings-- that's crazier than anything you were dreaming about while it happened."

Getty Images

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

New Philly DOT COM Jawn

I wrote a thing for and the comments aren't mean and scary (yet) I'm very confused but you should probably go read it.

Yeah that's right front page WITH A PIC babydoll

Yo, Design a Shirt for the Hamels Foundation!

You donkeys know that the bolg fam is basically BFF with The Hamels Foundation. They recently asked that I promote their T-Shirt Design Contest, and I was all "duh!"

6/25/13 vs. Padres - One Sentence Recap

"Dom Brown hit a DOM BOMB and Delmon Young didn't play and we won ... it was good night!"

The AP mailed me a copy of this picture, which I then scanned and uploaded here

Tuesday, June 25, 2013


Hey there kids, ZWR and Evan back once again to review this debacle of a television show. Let's jump right to it!

Most Distinguished Traveler
ZWR: Has to be the plumber. But this is based purely on my imagination, in which he only packed a plunger, wrench, and handful of spare towels for the trip. And I know that commercial plumbers do all kinds of cool stuff on giant construction projects with those fire torch thingies on pipes and installing valves and crap (no pun intended!), but yeah I always come back to plungers and that was the first thing he packed. Was Super Mario a plumber or just a guy who lived in pipes?

THE EVSTER: This category is not “Most Economical Packer” or “Guy Most Likely to Fix a Pipe,” this is “Most Distinguished Traveler” -- aka the guy who doesn’t travel in sweatpants, and probably owns all sorts of gadgets from Brookstone and SkyMall, like the inflatable headrest or the frogclock (it’s a clock, but it’s also a frog). I think that’s gotta be Michael, based solely on the fact that he wears cufflinks.

ZWR: This dork? Yeah right Dante is his favorite author my butt.

Bratwurst to First
ZWR: I don’t even know what this means but it made me laugh so whattya think Evster?

Roy Halladay Riding a Lion, and an Injury Update

This picture was actually taken 10 minutes after surgery

Rich Dubee, who is always 100% truthful with the media and Philadelphia baseball fans, yesterday provided Matt Gelb via The 700 Level/CSN Philly/Enrico's Blog via the Internet via the Eath with an incredibly exciting update on Roy's rehab status:

“It looks very, very good,” Dubee said. “The arm action, he’s able to get his arm back up very easily. No effort at all. Whereas before because of the stuff that he had going on in his shoulder, he couldn’t get it up on a consistent basis (wait what). But now his arm slot is fantastic and he’s doing very very well so far. He’s a long ways from pitching, but everything so far is going to according to plan.”

6/24/13 vs. Padres - One Sentence Recap

"The Phillies were heading into the ninth inning with a three run lead and then Obama stole their funs."

Monday, June 24, 2013

LOLPHILS 6/24/13

See also: Zombie apocalypse

World War P: An Oral History of the Phillies Apocalypse

With a payroll an estimated production budget approaching $200 million, the Philadelphia Phillies Brad Pitt zombie flick still managed to underwhelm many critics this weekend, despite nearly unachievable and ridiculous expectations set by the front office box office expectations.

Though some lauded the aging, punchless team film as a heroic, re-tread tire on its final journey refreshing, sober entry in the well-worn zombie canon, many fans have started to turn on the organization, some media critics jeered Ruben Amaro Jr.'s Pitt's roster construction performance as desperate, pathetic and unimaginative wooden and "act-by-the-numbers."

Ultimately, with a poor showing this weekend amidst the ash and CGI ruin of center city Philadelphia, the Phillies the film failed to gain substantial ground on its Brave and mohawked rivals--leaving fans and media members producers and fanboys alike to wonder if the first true weekend of summer 2013 truly marked the beginning of our joyless, dystopian future of the end for the zombie genre.

6/23/13 vs. Mets - One Sentence Recap

"The Phillies scored zero (0) runs so the other details are pretty unimportant."

The closest Phillies came to actually hitting a baseball // AP photo

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Dom Brown Likes My Dom Brown Shirt

ZWR enthusiast and Twitterer Darryl sent over the following hipstergram from a bachelor party pre-game in the woods, which conclusively proves that Dom Brown loves with all of his heart the Zoo With Roy "Keep Calm" jawn you can snag HERE.

Dude charge your phone!

Somewhat related: Foodball has a new Dom doodle!

6/22/13 vs. Mets - One Sentence Recap


Saturday, June 22, 2013

6/21/13 vs. Mets - One Sentence Recap

"We scored three or fewer runs for the fifty-seven-billionth time this season and lost to the stupid Mets."

Friday, June 21, 2013

I Was On Lunch Break Again

John Gonzalez wore his nephew's size medium shirt and I owned it and there's about 37 minutes of pure magic that got cut from this jawn. STOCKTON AND MALONE, BABY!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

STELLAR Effort by Donkey Nation's John

Bro ZMailed me the following this morning; I'd be proud of that effort, too.


Pat Burrell Courts Fiona Apple: A Pictorial Journey

6/19/13 vs. Natinals - One Sentence Stupid Recap

"The Phillies went like 10 innings between hits against a known roid juicer and then the bullpen did the bullpen thing and Mike Stutes gave up an extra innings GRAND SLAM and ahhhhh forget it go check out this guy spilling beer on himself."

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Guy Pours Beer On Own Face!

I saw this while watching the Nats feed, which explains why the Post's Dan Steinberg Vined (is that a verb?) it with FP Santafrangellico's dumb teleprompter drawing and everything so quickly. ENJOY!

Thanks Allan 

Chooch/Kendrick High Five!


Here's a Chase Utley GIF for You to Stare at All Day


What's up, kids. Evster and I are back to recap Monday's episode of The Bachelorette. But ZWR, it's Wednesday- what gives? I'll tell you what gives: Evan had sweet lawn seats to the Paula Cole concert on Monday night, so everyone had to wait for him to get his big, stupid, fat butt into gear. But I'm not bitter.

ZWR: That it really isn’t “like Las Vegas, but on the ocean.”

THE EVSTER: The smell of fresh blood in the morning.

ZWR: No but for serious I love the whole Jersey shore nothing personal AC *fistbump*

.@ohholybutt Recaps Heat/Spurs Game Six

Jacob didn't watch last night's game, but that's certainly not going to stop him from writing an ace recap. Enjoy!

That game last night, huh? Wow. I definitely watched it. You might say it was a game of two halves, as that is how many halves are in basketball and also they would not be called halves were there more or less than two. The Heat and Spurs both played hard and executed their basketball things at an elite level. Players on both teams could be seen performing bounce passes with precision one can only find at the professional ranks, and backdoor cuts were seen on multiple occasions throughout the course of the game, probably.

6/18/13 vs. Natinals - One Sentence Recap

"Whatever, I guess Mike Rizzo's boys just didn't have enough #NATITUDE to handle the second place Phillies and Cliff Lee."


Tuesday, June 18, 2013


Oh, I don't know.

6/17/13 vs. Natinals - One Sentence Recap

"Ryan Howard displayed some #BIGPIECEITUDE, John Lannan returned with #PITCHITUDE, Ben Revere showed off his #HITITUDE, and Dom Brown came through with some much-welcome #GAMEWINNERTUDE."

AP Photo

Monday, June 17, 2013

Polite Young Fan Gets Birthday Wish Granted

Go Michael Young! We Believe In You!

Through 70 games (63 in which he's played), Michael Young has grounded into 14 double plays. A look at the single-season record for GIDP reveals that the gritty leader might could be in range to take the crown. Here, check it:

6/16/13 vs. Rockies - One Sentence Recap

"Cole Hamels is the first pitcher to 10 losses this season."

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Saturday, June 15, 2013

6/14/13 vs. Rockies - One Sentence Recap

"Kyle Kendrick pitched like he used to back when we ruled, but we won and scored a bunch of runs, so I guess it kind of made sense."

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