What's up, kids. Evster and I are back to recap Monday's episode of The Bachelorette. But ZWR, it's Wednesday- what gives? I'll tell you what gives: Evan had sweet lawn seats to the Paula Cole concert on Monday night, so everyone had to wait for him to get his big, stupid, fat butt into gear. But I'm not bitter.
THING THEY DIDN'T MENTION ABOUT ATLANTIC CITY
ZWR: That it really isn’t “like Las Vegas, but on the ocean.”
THE EVSTER: The smell of fresh blood in the morning.
ZWR: No but for serious I love the whole Jersey shore nothing personal AC *fistbump*
MOMENT WHEN I ACTUALLY THOUGHT I MIGHT LIKE ONE OF THESE DUDES
ZWR: When Brooks sang a silly song with a ukulele during the talent portion of their pageant, which itself made me want to shoot myself in the face with a bullet-shooting gun. I hate this show so much. I thought it couldn’t get worse, either, and then later on was watching Hootie sing to an old couple of indiscernible European ethnicity.
THE EVSTER: This entire time I have wanted to hate James -- big meathead, strangely shaped eyebrows, went on a dating show on national television and is totally totally totally serious about it -- but at some point during that helicopter ride Monday night, I found myself sort of almost kinda liking him. His thoughts on the Hurricane Sandy disaster were not totally stupid, and I’m pretty sure he kissed that old dude on the cheek shortly after meeting him. And then when he decided to tell Des about the time he cheated on his girlfriend, I thought, “Wow, this guy is really goin’ for it. He’s not scared to show that he’s flawed! And I’m flawed! I am really really really flawed!” But then he mentioned that he cheated on his girlfriend of 5 years when he was a freshman in college, which meant that they got together in middle school, like at a middle school dance, and I’m sorry, I’m sorry Zoo, that’s not a real relationship, and I don’t care about the cheating on his girl thing, that doesn’t make me dislike him, if anything that makes me like him more, but it’s more the fact that this guy thought that what he did as a 19-year-old college freshman actually mattered in this world. Dude, you cheated on your middle school girlfriend with some girl you met at the dining hall. That’s what you’re supposed to do. Dining halls are amazing. And if that’s the worst thing you did at that time of your life, then bravo dude, BRAVO, because you are a GODDAMN SAINT.
(EDITOR'S NOTE: You won't be able to un-read this)
When I was a 19-year-old college freshman, I once looked out my dorm room window and saw two girls in bikinis sunning themselves in the quad below, so I slowwwwwwly moved to the side of the window, gennnnntly pulled down the blinds, and you know what I did, I don’t have to tell you what I did, and I’m not ashamed, and don’t look at me like I should be ashamed, ‘cuz I’m not, and it’s really not that big of a deal, are you telling me you’ve never done anything like that before? I mean, c’mon, and I’ve done worse, I’ve done much much worse, that’s just what I chose to share on this PG-13 bolg, so for this guy James to even think for one second that what he did as a 19-year-old matters, then he is absolutely delusional, and I hate his guts. And I really really really miss college. Those big, cold, metal milk dispensers in the dining hall??? AMAZINNNNNGGGGG.
MOMENT WHEN I REALIZED THAT I’LL NEVER LIKE ONE OF THESE DUDES
ZWR: When the dorkbeak in the pink bathing suit read her a poem in the pool.
THE EVSTER: Ughghghhhhh, how ‘bout when Michael -- the federal prosecutor from Florida, who by the way, is THE WORST JERRY, THE WORST-- decided to “show Des a different side of him” and wrote down, on an actual piece of paper, with a magic marker …
“D” is for how “down to earth” you are.
“E” is for “how easy you are to talk to.”
“S” is for I can’t even remember, Zoo, I can’t even remember. At this point I was holding my hands up to my face in horror, the same way I did a few weeks ago during that Game of Frones scene, because this person, this real, live, grown-up, human person thought it’d be a good idea to create an acronym of Des’s name like a dumb, fat, stupid first grader making a dumb, fat, stupid Father’s Day project for his dumb, fat, stupid father who probably did disgusting things as a college freshman.
ZWR: OH EM GEE you're right I was all, "Dude you idiot don't spell her name this is so dumb and predictable and couldn't be any worse OF COURSE you just made it worse by putting your last initial after her name that's not creepy at all considering you've said like 14 sentences to each other and met Soulja Boy that one time seems like a good foundation for marriage."
IF THERE WAS A ROYAL RUMBLE, I'M TAKING ...
ZWR: The big blockhead James guy that looks like Ronnie from Jersey Shore.
THE EVSTER: Bryden, only (and I mean ONLY) because he served in Iraq. Quite frankly I think that if push came to shove, and a fight broke out (yes, Ev, we know what “if push came to shove” means), Bryden would curl up in the corner and start weeping. He’s very sensitive. For the record I would do the exact same thing.
ZWR: So in conclusion my answer is better. RON RON JUICE Y'ALL!
THE LAST TIME I WENT TO ATLANTIC CITY …
ZWR: We went to the beer festival and as we were pulling up we saw a guy laying on the sidewalk covered in all three of his own Ps (yes, all three of them). Then we all went in like a giant bunch of donkeys and dranked a billionty seventeen percent ABV brews and the Nag ganked a bottle of Chimay while the booth attendant wasn’t looking and by the time we got back to the room we were all arguing for nobody knows why and my best friend paid for everyone’s meal (like 14 people!!!) with my credit card while I was in the restaurant bathroom puking.
ALSO, the time before that was pretty great, too. It was a bachelor party and we had rooms in the Borgata and when I got there the bathtub was full of booze and then we drank like 60 cans of beer while we waited in line at the strip club then as we came out the hot dog vendor chased some guy down the street and Earl from high school (he was grown now) tried to steal hot dogs by sticking his hand in the hot water and kept burning it and finally someone was like “DUDE, USE THE TONGS” so he did and we brought like 27 hot dogs onto the Jitney for the ride back.
THE EVSTER: My Aunt Maxine got me and my wife a free room at Harrah’s (WUT YOU KNOW ABOUT THE DIAMOND CLUB), so we decided to bring our friends Lefty and Chicken for a little couples getaway. Pretty sure we spent the entire day at the outlets, gorged at the Harrah’s buffet (DIAMOND CLUBBERS DON’T WAIT IN NO LINE, SON) and then took in an evening of entertainment, Rain! the Beatles tribute band. Later when we went to bed, (DIAMOND CLUB SLUMBER PARTY WITH TWO DOUBLE BEDS, YO) Lefty’s snoring was so loud that my wife forced him sleep in the bathtub. True story (mostly).
ALWAYS BET ON ....
ZWR: Zack! Is there a Zack? If my name was Zack I’d go to AC or Vegas or those Native American casinos all the time and stand next to the roulette table and tell the ladies to “always bet on Zack.” I have a cousin named Zack. I have to tell him this one next time I’m in Philly.
EDIT: There is a guy named Zack, and he’s the dork who didn’t get a rose. Huh.
THE EVSTER: Ray Allen! Give that guy an inch of breathing room and he will wap a three right in your fat, dumb face. I used to get frustrated with Ray-Ray as a ballplayer, always wanted him to be more complete, and never understood why a player with his athleticism wouldn’t go to the rim more, or why he would sometimes dribble like a 4th grader and then jump in the air and pass to no one, but last night I realized that all this guy has practiced for the last 30 years is shooting! That’s it! He’s never worked on his ball-handling, never developed a floater, he has just hung out behind the 3-pt line his whole life, working on his stroke, because that’s how you get to be the most bonkers shooter to ever play the game! So now I’m totally okay with his extremely one-dimensional boring abilities. Also, how bout Mike Miller with the one-socker??!?!
_____ is a Charleston Chew, ______ is a Peanut Chew
ZWR: Bryden, is a Charleston Chew, Brooks is a Peanut Chew. Seriously bro? You don’t know if you like Des? What’s wrong with you?! Did your head get run over by a tractor? Oh wait, your head really did get run over by a tractor. You have the pics to prove it. Huh. Carry on.
THE EVSTER: See, this is a tough question for me because I really like both Charleston and Peanut Chews. (I mean, obvs Peanut Chews are better, but still.) But okay, Zoo With Roy, I’ll play your little game. I guess, Mikey the plumber is the Charleston Chew: tough to eat, really annoying, so much chewing, totally artificial, and Juan Pablo is the Peanut Chew: authentic, absolutely delicious, sort of shaped like a dick.