Hey there, kids. The Evster and I are back with some more freshly-baked BACHCAPS for you. "But ZWR, it's been on for like three weeks!" Yeah I know but I kind of had a kid last week and EVSTER was away for work the week prior so just be thankful for what you have, okay?
BEST V NECK
THE EVSTER: Not to sound like a total renegade bad ass, but l am a HUGE supporter of V necks. As opposed to the bright-colored Vs that these guys wear (how ‘bout James rockin’ the pink!), I prefer the all-white / see-through Fruit of the Loom jawns that perfectly outline my silver-dollar nips. Nothin’ makes me feel sexier than puttin’ on a fresh V RIGHT OUT THE PACK -- until after two or three wearings when the armpits turn yellow and the moles on my back start protruding through the shirt and I have no idea why I’m sharing this information over the internet although then again you do have a lot of readers so maybe one of them knows a good dermatologist?
ZWR: I kind of wish one of these dudes wore those super extra thick cable knit Irish sweaters and walked around the mansh all day looking like Seamus Heaney. I mean, it wouldn’t be worse than these plunging V’s.
DRAW YOUR FAVORITE PLUMBER WITHOUT USING YOUR MOUSE
|Ay yo kid pass me some gabagool and mootsarel cannoli|
THE EVSTER: I don’t know how to draw things on a computer so instead I’m going to paste a picture of a moose.
ZWR: … if Soulja Boy appeared out of nowhere and started rapping “Right Reasons” at Brian when his girlfriend confronted him and then when the chorus part came all of the guys stormed out of the house in their plaid shorts and started singing it real loud and then Bridon got hit by a tractor.
THE EVSTER: The best thing that could happen to Brydon at this point would be for him to get hit by a tractor. The more that guy opens up to Des, the more brain dead he appears, and I don’t mean that figuratively, I mean that when he got hit by that truck he suffered major, major, major brain damage. That’s the only conceivable explanation for that hair.
MOST "BRO JUST PUNCH HIM" MOMENT
THE EVSTER: I am 36 years old and have never actually punched another human being. I imagine it hurts your hand so much. Conversely I feel like if anyone ever hit me in the face my entire brain would fall out of my butt.
ZWR: I got in a fight in the fourth grade, but totally did the grab and hold. Not a fan. I think if for whatever reason I did get into one I’d try a bunch of old-school WWF moves like full nelsons and dropkicks and figure four leg locks.
ZWR: Wait, Jake the Snake didn’t do the figure four. Did you try to DDT him?
THE EVSTER: I meant Greg the Hammer. Or Tito Santana. OMG WHOOOO CAREZZZZZZZ???
ZWR: Dude did you know Jimmy Snuka killed a lady in the 80s?
THE EVSTER: Obvs!
DUMBEST KID’S NAME
ZWR: This dork Brad’s kid is named Maddux. What a dumb name! I can’t wait until some kid named Kruk smacks him around in the schoolyard. Am I right, Philadelphia?!
THE EVSTER: Let’s not forget that there’s a dude on this show named Bryden.
ZWR: OMG I know a guy whose brother had to name his kid Brixella because it combined his name and Cinderella with an “x” in the middle oh man I hope he doesn’t read this post.
BIGGEST LOSER DORK
ZWR: Easy- Brandon. First he’s sitting there in an unzipped hoodie crying during some dumb speech about his mom’s old boyfriends, then he gives that same spiel to Des but with an awkward “I’m so falling in love with you” thrown in for good measure. /RECORD SCRATCH Wait what? Dude, it’s the third week. You’ve said like nine words to this broad. Don’t you dare act surprised that you (SPOILER ALERT) didn’t get a rose.
THE EVSTER: I’m goin’ with Big Game James. Besides wearing that pink V and being named in the Mitchell Report, he played the stinkin’ “my father has cancer” card which is obviously very sad, but whatever everyone’s dad has cancer, get over yourself, dude.
PERSON WHO I MIGHT LEGITIMATELY WANT TO GO OUT TO LUNCH WITH
ZWR: Brandon, so I could make fun of him to his face and tell him I’m falling in love when he offers me a bite of his manicotti.
THE EVSTER: The commissioner of the dodgeball league only because I think it’d be fun to call another person “Commish”.
“So Commish, I’m thinkin’ about getting the quiche, Commish. Whaddya think, Commish? Maybe a side of cucumber salad, Commish? Or a knish, Commish? Hey Knish, you ever throw a ball through a guy’s face and have his brain come out his butt? Lemme buy you a knish, Commish. Also, Commish, could I borrow 10 bucks? You like blogs, Commish?”
THE GROUP DATE GROUP DATER OF THE NIGHT SPONSORED BY GROUPON
ZWR: Holy butt my DirecTV went out because it was raining (don’t get me started) and then it comes on and Brooks is in the hospital?! I don’t even know what happened, but I assume it was terribly manly, like he tried to rip the plumber’s arm out of it’s socket and pulled too hard and the plumber’s big dumb dago arm (I’m Italian so I can say that) came off and SOCKED HIM IN THE HAIR
THE EVSTER: I actually had a hard time paying attention during that scene too, because I was too busy trying to get my tweets featured on the broadcast I MEAN C’MON HARRISON STOP SUCKING YOUR OWN BUTT FOR ONCE AND PUT MY TWEETS ON THE SHINY TELEVISION SCREEN.
I will say that before the dodgeball scene, I expected these guys would all have noodle arms -- I mean, really, that’s what we hope for, right? -- but they actually had cannon blasters. I’m not surprised Brooks broke his finger, although I was a little surprised he needed an oxygen tank afterwards. I was also kind of amazed that Mikey the plumber could read the date card.
ZWR: Also why hasn’t anyone on the show made a plumber’s crack joke yet?
THE "THANKS, CHRIS HARRISON" MOMENT OF THE NIGHT
ZWR: Chris Harrison called to tell Des about Brian. Think about that. He’s the host of this stupid show, and when the most important/dramatic moment of the season arose he told Des over the phone! What was he doing that was so important that he couldn’t head over to have a face-to-adorable-face convo? Literally, with the exception of the rose ceremony, he has no other responsibilities all week long. Imagine this scene: It’s the eighth inning and Charlie Manuel strolls out to the mound and puts up his left hand for Antonio Bastardo. Only Ton waves him off because he’s too busy playing Gameboy and sends Stutesie in his place. That’s basically the perfect analogy for what just happened. BTW this show is the worst and I hate myself for watching it.
THE EVSTER: When Brian was being FULL THROTTLE ATTACKED BY EVERYONE, Harrison had a clear opportunity to admit that his ex-girlfriend was a total lunatic, but nooooooooooooo, instead he ganged up with the women and jumped down Brian’s throat WHILE IGNORING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF MY GLORIOUS TWEETS.
REASON #64 THAT YOU SHOULD NAME YOUR SON, JUAN PABLO
ZWR: So that one day he’ll have the confidence to do this:
|I took this picture with my phone|
ZWR: Guarantee he's boinked Des like eleventy five times so far.