Hey there kids, ZWR and Evan back once again to review this debacle of a television show. Let's jump right to it!
Most Distinguished Traveler
ZWR: Has to be the plumber. But this is based purely on my imagination, in which he only packed a plunger, wrench, and handful of spare towels for the trip. And I know that commercial plumbers do all kinds of cool stuff on giant construction projects with those fire torch thingies on pipes and installing valves and crap (no pun intended!), but yeah I always come back to plungers and that was the first thing he packed. Was Super Mario a plumber or just a guy who lived in pipes?
THE EVSTER: This category is not “Most Economical Packer” or “Guy Most Likely to Fix a Pipe,” this is “Most Distinguished Traveler” -- aka the guy who doesn’t travel in sweatpants, and probably owns all sorts of gadgets from Brookstone and SkyMall, like the inflatable headrest or the frogclock (it’s a clock, but it’s also a frog). I think that’s gotta be Michael, based solely on the fact that he wears cufflinks.
ZWR: This dork? Yeah right Dante is his favorite author my butt.
Bratwurst to First
ZWR: I don’t even know what this means but it made me laugh so whattya think Evster?
THE EVSTER: Love it -- Bratwurst to First -- a new made-for-TV-movie starring Kirsten Dunst as a struggling tennis phenom at the crossroads/crøssrüds of her career. Her coach and father (two different people, both played by Boris Becker, one with a mustache, one with two mustaches), decide their hard-hitting techniques and strict dietary guidelines are not working out for their pupil, and they must find a new way to motivate Dunst. Enter aging superstar, Vorf Dorflür (played by Dorf), Dunst’s new mixed doubles partner, who introduces her to an all-bratwurst diet, which re-energizes her career and vaults the team to a world #1 ranking. Along the way, he also has sex with every one of his opponents and dies of AIDS.
ZWR: Bratwurst to First, coming to ABC Family this Christmas!
Favorite All-Time German
ZWR: zOMG duh no-brainer Katarina Witt. Little Zoo With Roy loooooooooooved watching figure skating when she was in her prime I mean va va va voooom.
THE EVSTER: Is Brüno German? ‘Cuz if he’s German, he’s definitely my all-time fave, but I feel like he might be Austrian. Boris Becker’s pretty cool too, but that whole “Hey look at me, I’m gonna make TV movies!” stage of his career was really off-putting. I’ll probably go with Katarina Witt. She’s HAWT.
(not a pic of Katarina Witt ... this is a family bolg, people)
Are You ready to Begin to Think About Forgiving Germany?
ZWR: Oh yeah, definitely. At my last job I got to go to Germany a bunch of times and the people there were so nice and the guys at the company we were visiting were all, “Bro we won’t be here before 8 and we’re leaving at 5” and they served us beer at lunch every day and did I mention Katarina Witt?
Pro high five to Japan, too. What a great recovery by them, too. Good job, good effort, WWII foes.
THE EVSTER: I’m almost ready. They play a nice brand of soccer (or “fütborf” as they call it), which I appreciate. Also those pretzels last night looked bonkers.
Are Any of These Guys Jewish?
ZWR: Is your mom Jewish?
THE EVSTER: Obvs! Her name is Ruth, she makes a delicious kugel, and calls me pretty much 37 times a day. Last night, Michael mentioned there was a Jewish guy on the show, but it’s gotta be him, right? Ughghhhgh, why are our chosen people always THE WURST! Between him, former contestant Jaclyn Swartz, and Jason Mesnick’s dumb face, this franchise is not helping out our Q Scores. Thank GAWD for Ryan Braun.
2011 NL MVP CAN’T TAKE THAT ISHT AWAY FROM US.
ZWR: Dude I think you missed it that was supposed to be a sick burn but I'm sorry HAI RUTH!
ZWR: So jelly.
THE EVSTER: So many blankets! Is that even fun? (ZWR: Yes, it is!) Brooks had to wear gloves when he was making out with Des. Big Game James had more blankets than anyone. JUAN PABLO DIDN’T MOVE.
Juan Pabs really is amazing, though. That guy hasn’t done ANYTHING (and doesn’t need to), but keeps on sliding by. I really want to watch him have sex with a Jewish person.
ZWR: He keeps on sliding by because he’s boinked Des on the fly like 57 times. Dude is so suave. Man, he’s going to kill it in Barcelona. ALSO after Igloo Hotel they unveiled the hot tub boat which was even cooler, oh man.
Guy Whose Head You Most Wish Got Run Over by a Tractor Right There on the Cobblestone Streets of Deutschland
ZWR: Definitely Bryden. What a donkey. Man, it would have been hilarious if right when he was about to crash Chris’s date and quit a giant German tractor sprung from the schnitzel fields and ran over his big dumb mug (much respect for serving in Iraq).
THE EVSTER: Harrison, no brainer. His hair is SO BLOW-DRIED these days. Also, they showed a shot of Chris (the contestant, not the Harrison) doing his hair last night while getting ready for his date, and is there ANYTHING more embarrassing to watch than a guy brushing his hair? This dude I work with is always sculpting his hair in the bathroom, using a forceful two-finger method of pushing the hair around his temples in a quick, aggressive motion. And he makes the weirdest faces in the mirror while he does it and it honestly doesn’t do anything and I can’t handle it. He also drinks A LOT of muscle milk and is actually a really nice person and I feel bad for writing this because he will read it and I’m sorry Josh, I’m sorry.
ZWR: Hahahahaha Josh you’re a dork stop posting duckface Instagrams.
Things Worse Than That Idiot Michael
ZWR: Nothing. You made a skuzzbucket look like a good-ish guy just by being a colossal birch. Also, your watch looked like a hand grenade. Also also, you’re on The Bachelorette for heaven’s sake so stop being Morality McGee you’re not allowed. Go punch yourself in the face I hate you.
THE EVSTER: Wow, a lot of venom and anger spewing from Zoo With Roy! I love it, that’s what this show brings out in you. The desire to murder. What a brilliant move by the production staff to set the last episode in Germany.
When I Say Lederhosen, You Say ______!
ZWR: JIM EISENREICH
THE EVSTER: VEEDERVOZEN!