Friday, June 28, 2013

Comprehensive 2013 NBA Draft Review

by Jacob, ZWR Basketball Insider

Anybody know when the draft is? What? It’s when? Yesterday?

Just kidding, you guys. What kind of NBA Insider would I be if I had missed the first twenty or so picks to line soccer fields for a 6v6 tournament? Exactly. Let’s get to it.

With the first pick in the draft, the Cavaliers submitted Anthony Bennett’s name in wingdings because Dan Gilbert is just a fun dude. After that, Victor Oladipo was taken by the Orlando Magic and that is good because I think Deeps will love Disney World. Disney Land? Which one is it? There’s a McDonald’s in Orlando that serves pizza, I do know that. The next pick belonged to the Wizards and saw them draft Otto Porter. It remains to be seen if Porter will refuse to play for the team due to their point guard having tattoos, but my guess is that he won’t.

Okay, there are the first three picks and I am tired of going pick-by-pick so let’s skip ahead to things getting awesome.

The Sixers front office handled this draft exactly as I would have, which is to say they got super hammered and just WENT FOR IT.

“Jrue Holiday has been tweeting about enjoying Taylor Swift’s music? Alright, ship his ass off somewhere and bring me back someone with a sick haircut and a draft pick.” That’s right, Philly acquired one of the best high-top fades the city has seen since Will left for Bel-Air. I’m not sure if Phade (Nerlens’ new nickname, just go with it) will get the Sixers logo buzzed into the back of his head or put Dom Brown’s autograph back there, but you can bet he’ll be looking fresh every game.

(Can neither confirm nor deny that Bynum and Phade will be morphed into one superhuman with two good knees, but it is definitely happening)

Philly also took Michael Carter-Williams. He’s really good at basketball and his mouth is shaped like a football.

Let’s see here... what else...

OH YEAH. T’wolves drafted another point guard because HAHAHAHAHA but then they traded him to the Jazz because they hate him as a person apparently. “Sup Trey? Did you like all those sick parties at Michigan? All the fine ladies and the being treated like a king? Yeah? Okay, well have fun in Utah. Everything sucks there.”

Also heading to Utah to play World of Warcraft with Gordon Hayward is Rudy Gobert. A 7’2” French dude with a 7’9” wingspan who has described himself as “Taller Javale McGee meets young and athletic Dikembe Mutombo at Denver”. I have no comment on him because I don’t know who he is, but I just wanted to share that little bit of information with you, found at

Another huge trade last night involved the Nets and Celtics and allowed us to see Bill Simmons get metaphorically kicked right in the dong. Boston sent Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Jason Terry to Brooklyn in exchange for two dudes you have heard of, one you have probably heard of, and two more that you didn’t know existed. Boston also got literally every one of the Nets’ draft picks until 2142. You might be saying to yourself, “What is Brooklyn doing? Those guys are old as balls and were clearly worn out by the time the playoffs started last year. LeBron by himself could probably beat this team after an 82-game season and the East is only going to be better this year. I see no way the Nets even make it to the Conference Finals with this roster and now their future is gone too.” Here’s why you’re wrong though: you’re not wrong. What a dumbass trade.

Oh and Boston is going to average 65 points per game this year so that should be just horrendous to watch.

Basically, if you had played a drinking game last night where you took a shot any time something crazy happened, you would be dead in a ditch right now. And S/O to the real winner of tonight’s draft, whomever drafts Andrew Wiggins next year.

You can read more of Jacob's exclusive NBA coverage here and here


  1. This is awesome. I'd love to be a contributor at because he looks like an illegitimate brother of the Jackson 5, if the mom had got piped down by Wilt Chamberlain.

    1. Well, I mean, yes, yes that is exactly what he looks like. Holy crap.

  2. "It remains to be seen if Porter will refuse to play for the team due to their point guard having tattoos, but my guess is that he won’t" is a top-1 sentence.


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