Dude I know we're butt late to the party but we both have real jobs and Evan is kind of a weirdo anyhow so just be happy you're getting your BACHCAP™ ® at all.
GUY FROM BACHCAP-BARCELONA WHO WOULD HAVE BEEN THE BEST MEMBER OF THE DREAM TEAM
ZWR: Dude, none of these guys seem like athletes. I guess Juan Pablo, though I don’t think he’s American so that may not work.
WOMEN BEING GROSS NOTE TAKEN WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW: The Nag, neighbor nutritionist, and Philly Gill all just said they’d eat a bagel off of Juan Pablo’s weenie oh come on I'm sitting right here ladies.
THE EVSTER: I just spent three hours writing a mega-whopper Bach blog*post over on my own blog* (yeah, I know ZWR, *sic bolg *sic blorg *sic brorg *sic vlorg *sic Garth Iorg) so I just want to let it be known that I have very little energy right now to write this Bachcap®, too. That being said, the best teammate for the Dream Teamers woulda been the poetry guy because then Christian Laettner woulda had someone to connect with ZING ZANG MEGA ZING ZANG ZINGER!
ZWR: Wait what. Seriously, buy a URL you cheapskate.
GUY YOU'D MOST WANT TO SEE GET RUN OVER BY A BULL
ZWR: Federal prosecutor Michael. He’s a whiny toolbox and, as Evan pointed out last week, always wears cuff links. I mean, his voice is the worst. He’s the guy at the restaurant who complains that his eggs weren’t cooked right and you’re at the next table all, “bro shut up you don’t know the difference between over medium and over easy.” Wait what I don’t even know what I’m talking about but I want eggs.
THE EVSTER: Yo my brother-in-law signed up for this co-op thing where they deliver farm fresh food to your house every Thursday and he got THA DOPEST eggs last week with the ORANGIEST YOLKS and they were BOMB BOMB BIGGY BOMB BOMB (I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m writing like this, they were really good eggs I highly recommend getting involved in this sorta thing).
But to answer your question, the guy who keeps writing those poems needs to get run over becuz poems SUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
DUDE DID YOU SEE WHEN …
ZWR: When the ep started and they showed a panoramic shot of those losers walking and half were wearing different color versions of the same hoodie and the other half were wearing different color versions of the same v-neck? I hate this show and hope they all fall into a volcano during the finale.
THE EVSTER: OF COURSE I NOTICED THAT. I’M A PROFESSIONAL TELEVISION BLOGGER SIC BOLGER SIC BOWLER SIC I’M JOINING THE PROFESSIONAL BOWLING TOUR WATCH OUT PETE WEBER I OWN A BOWLING GLOVE (that’s actually true I do own a glove and it’s black and it’s dope and I named it The Glovinator).
WINNER OF EP
ZWR: Me! We watched with neighbors (as noted), and every time they showed Barcelona scenes I would go “HAW HAW HAW” with a French accent like Pepe the Prawn and cracked myself up.
THE EVSTER: Des’s tongue was the winner in my book. I got AROUSED when they showed her licking Drew’s mouth.
LOSER OF EP
THE EVSTER: Prolly your readers who had to hear me write about how AROUSED I got.
ZWR: Concur. Though after the story you told about the sunbathers (I'm not linking to it, you can go back and find it, dear reader) we're all kind of numb to it by now.
PERSON WHO DEFINITELY BRINGS HIS LUNCH TO WORK EVERY DAY
THE EVSTER: Michael definitely has so much Tupperware (not that there’s anything wrong with that, I friggin’ love Tupperware), but he probably stuffs it with sprouts and beans and quinoa every day and it’s like, “Dude, we get it, you’ve got a sizzle chest, but go out for a burg some time ... but not with me or the rest of the guys ‘cuz you’re not invited ‘cuz you suckkkkkkkkk.”
ZWR: I don't even know what this category or that answer means but I'm going with plastic-haired Drew because he's a giant square-job and he'd love telling you how great his stupid ham and cheese sandwich is. Go screw yourself, Drew. Snitches get stitches.
GUY MOST LIKELY TO ASK, "HEY ANYBODY KNOW WHERE I CAN I GET A GOOD ICED TEA AROUND HERE?"
THE EVSTER: See, this is a tough one, because if someone said, “HEY ANYBODY KNOW WHERE CAN I GET A GOOD ICE TEA AROUND HERE?”, that could be seen as really really funny. I’d love to hear someone say that. In fact, I think I might say it right now.
(Okay, I just did, I yelled that out loud in my office and no one heard me. I think everyone has gone out for lunch. THANKS FOR INVITING ME, GUYZ.)
But it could also sound really off-putting, so I’m gonna say James. This is probably the dumbest question in the history of these Bachcaps®.
ZWR: Dude I walk by this hot dog cart on my way from the Metro to my office and they have a giant cooler full of drinks in front of it and it's always filled with those giant cans of Arizona Iced Tea. Does anybody buy that stuff? I remember it maybe being kind of cool back in the day, but then it was eclipsed by Lipton Brisk and after that I seem to think the Iced Tea industry kind of just stagnated.
GUY MOST LIKELY TO WALK INTO BEAUTIFUL SPANISH RESTAURANT AND IMMEDIATELY ASK FOR THE “ENGLISH MENU”
ZWR: Probably fluid driller Zak. Dude has a fauxhawk, oompa-loompa skin, and bleached teeth. He clearly doesn’t value culture.
THE EVSTER: Dude certainly values a six-pack tho amiright?????
ZWR: No. You are not right. You're all wrong, Evan.