Tuesday, July 30, 2013

BACHCAP FINALE PART ONE


No time for intros it's Zoo and Evan let's do this thing eleventy-thousand word style 

“Oh No He Didn’t!” Moment of the Ep
ZWR: Brooks! Oh no he didn’t!

EVSTER: Drew cheating at limbo! Oh no he didn’t!

Line of the Night by My Wife
ZWR: (After Brooks dumped Des): “Wasn’t Chris supposed to be the one who was there to hug her when bad things happened?” BOOM!





EVSTER: (After I paused the show to discuss whether or not the Bach is allowed to tell her suitors she loves them.): “OMG shut up and put it back on you fat d*ck!”

What a DOOFBOT 3000 Moment of the Ep
EVSTER: When Drew started to make out with Des it looked like he might pull her hair and grope her and REALLY make things interesting, but instead he just smooched her like a fat stupid teenager ‘cuz he’s a DOOFBOT 3000.

ZWR: When Chris was trying to convince Des that he loved her more than anything in life and that she was the center of his world and everything he’s been waiting for and, oh, she’d have move to Seattle if they were going to be together because he likes his (seemingly generic) job. What a DOOFBOT 3000.

Write a Ten-Line Poem Like Chris
ZWR:
Des when I first met your heart
I knew that this was the start
Of an endless journey for eternal bliss
There isn’t a moment I could miss
Your eyes make my heart soar like a dove
I know that this is a true love
I told you I was here for you
My intentions I swear are true
To love you through all seasons
Because I’m here for the right reasons

EVSTER:
Lizards crawl and birdies squawk,
In Antigua look there goes a hawk.
Flying higher than a mountain’s peak,
Like a budding love on Dawson’s Creek.
We’ve traveled far, we’ve traveled low,
We ate potatoes in the snow.
JK we didn’t but I wish we did,
Worst comic ever? The Wizard of Id.
Or maybe Doonesbury, that comic sucked butt,
Before I met you, I was a ripping slut.

Why Don’t They Ever Eat Their Dinners?
ZWR: I’d be an awful Bachelorette contestant for at least three reasons:

  1.  I’m married with two kids.
  2.  I don’t own any V-Necks.
  3.  I’d always be nomming my dinners when on dates, which nobody ever does on this stupid show because they’re trying to impress these chicks and I guess you can’t do that with steak juice running down your stupid face? Des would be asking me about my journey or what I thought our shared journey would hold and I’d be all, “zOMG dude these garlic mashed potatoes are so good have you tried them yet?!”

EVSTER: See, you’re coming at this from a perspective of a thirty-something, married blogger, who has been beaten down by his family and has no problem eating a piece of shrimp that fell into his chest hair in front of them. But you need to put yourself in the contestants’ shoes: their stupid, sockless, blister-inducing boat shoes. These people are bozos. And besides being nervous on their dates (we’ve all been there, Roy), they are TERRIFIED of being shown on TV with food in their teeth. Remember, Zoo, these folks have 37 cameramen lurking, waiting for that one moment to zoom into their hot, disgusting mouths. And lemme ask you: When is the last time you’ve seen yourself eat? Because I can tell you right now, Zoo, you’re disgusting. You’re a fat, disgusting, slob of a man. Granted, I’ve never actually met you -- this is strictly an online, homo-erotic, collabo-blogging relationship -- but I can tell by the way you type with your fat stupid fingers that you are a sloppy, hideous mess. Also you need to get some friggin’ V-Necks. They’re so liberating and comfortable, especially for a fat person, and you can honestly get like 12 for 12 dollars I mean that’s a steal right there.


ZWR: Shut your Jew mouth I’m a dapper dandy of a man! Ask Michael Meech and John Gonzalez, both of whom’s butts I have touched. Wait a second- “whom’s” isn’t remotely a word, is it? Anyhow perhaps there’s a chance you’re right I wasn’t even thinking about the cameras frankly I was just hungry when I brought it all up.

No really you hurt my feelings : (

Which Of These Three Donkeys Can Beat Up the Other Two?
ZWR: Well, let’s take this one-by-one. Chris can’t beat you up while you sit there at your computer sipping a cup of coffee reading this amazing BACHCAP on zoowithroy.com, the world’s foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Phillies ace Roy Halladay. Obviously, he’s not the answer. Buster Bluth, yo. Brooks would likely be folks’ impulse answer, but he’s soft. His big tough guy moment was hurting his finger? Please. Gob Bluth. Drew is a dorkface, but he’d jack these fools. Michael Bluth. He’s not tough by any stretch, but he’d win.

EVSTER: Do you even watch this show you fat, Spanish prick? During that dodgeball game, Chris had a friggin’ cannon! And if the three of these guys ever got into a fight -- and let’s say the fight took place in Antigua -- Chris would just pick up some coconuts and fire them at the dudes’ throats! Also, Drew would be all, “Uhhhh, I don’t believe in fighting, my sister is handicapped,” and Brooks would be all, “Uhhhh, I don’t believe in fighting, I’m in love with my sister,” and remember, Chris would KILL ANOTHER HUMAN BEING for Des because ALL GREAT POETS ARE LUNATICS AM I RIGHT WALT WHITMAN?



WALT WHITMAN: Right, Evster!

ZWR: Both of you are bananas have you seen Drew’s abs?! He’s jacked! Also, I’m pretty sure his hair is impenetrable so even if Chris did throw a coconut at his noggin it would just bounce right off AM I RIGHT PAUL VALERY?



PAUL VALERY: Oui, Zoo!!!

Seriously, Are Garlic Mashed Potatoes the Best Side Ever?
EVSTER: I’m not crazy about ‘em! I think it’s because my wife makes BONKERS regular mashed potatoes, so I feel like adding garlic to them takes away from their pure, simple bonkersness. If I had to rank sides, I’m going:

  1. French Fries
  2. Mac ‘n Cheese
  3. Creamed Spinach
  4. Creamed Corn
  5. Kareem Abdul I’m Sorry This is So Stupid … Your Turn

ZWR: I can totally see fries. And now that you mention it, I’m totally waffling (see what I did there?) and concurring with you. Concur. I do prefer garlic mash to standard mash, though. It must be an Italian thing. But don’t you dare come at me with smashed potatoes! That’s just disgusting American laziness right there.

NOM to mac n’ cheese, but a BRO JUST SAYING that I’m kind of getting tired of dorks talking about the gourmet mac n’ cheeses they get at their fave urban spots I get it I know they shred the Wisconsin cheddar and bake it in soup crocks or whatever but for real calm down bro just saying.

I’m assuming you just forgot about onion rings when you went off on all of that cream stuff?

EVSTER: I like onion rings, I obviously like onion rings -- and my wife, she LURVES onion rings -- but how many onion rings can you really eat at one sitting? It’s like, the first one’s dope, the second one’s delicious, and the third and fourth and fifth and sixth and seventh and eighth, they’re all fantastic, but by the time you shove that ninth onion ring in your mouth, you’re like, “Ugh, I can only eat like twelve more of these,” whereas with fries you can eat like a hunnerd and I seriously have no idea how you have so many people who read this bolg I mean how is this interesting?




Fantasy Suite Predictions by Contestant: Boink or Cuddle?
ZWR: Wouldn’t it be hilarious if after Des invited a guy to the Fantasy Suite he jumped up, cracked his knuckles, and started stretching?! I’m dying over here!!!

Anyway... Chris: CUDDLE (and look at stars #gag), Drew: Boinkish Cuddle, Brooks: Brush hair.

EVSTER: Here’s my thing with the fantasy suites: Every time the dudes read that stupid card, they’re always like, “Uhhhh, I just wanna spend more time with you, that’s all that really matters,” when really once I’d just like to hear a guy say, “You know what? Instead of going to the fantasy suite, how ‘bout I just take you to the boneyard?” And then the guy would pick her up and pin her against the wall and start boning her right there. I mean, I feel like every woman would be into that. And I know this because I have a way with women and a way with words. Also my wife makes me sleep on the couch roughly 4, maybe 5 nights a week?

ZWR: I think we both just made the same general joke but you’e right why is anyone reading this? Just kidding we rule here check it I’m >>>



Did Producers Have to Talk Harrison Out of Wearing Board Shorts?
ZWR: Absoulutely! There’s zero percent chance that a bro who wears skinny ties as often as he does doesn’t also wear board shorts any chance he gets. Did you see the shoes he was wearing during his convo with Brooks? This poor old guy is trying way too hard to keep up with the young bucks and frankly it’s kind of sad.

EVSTER: Forget about Harrison, did producers have to calm Neil Lane down after Brooks screwed up this entire season? I feel like he probably destroyed his hotel room like the Sex Pistols or something. Will he even make an appearance next week? Will anyone look at rings? WILL HE MAKE A SALE? That guy has a chest like a goddamned steamroller!

Rate Your Boogie Boarding Skills on a Scale of 1-10
EVSTER: Not only can I not remember the last time I boogie boarded, I can’t remember the last time I took my shirt off in public. I’m pretty sure it was in 2006, when I was visiting some friends in Sea Isle -- without my wife -- and my friend Larbo had to help me put sunscreen on my back. Larbo’s hands were so strong and yet so gentle, and until I started doing these little cyber-collabos with you, it was the most homo-erotic experience of my life (except for that one time when I had sex with a dude).

ZWR: I was a total dork about boogie boarding omg it’s so embarrassing. My family would go to North Wildwood for a week and I’d have my yellow Morey (that we got at the Toys R Us on Oregon Ave, not a surf shop) and my ridiculous aqua socks and a pair of clear frame/red lens Oakleys oh good lord why did my parents let me do that? And as I was doing my boarding I was convinced that I was actually in the tube of a big swell or whatever it’s called and not riding in the foam of some donkey Atlantic Ocean two foot piece of crap wave past a group of people from Quebec and Port Richmond both of whom should have beaten me up on the spot. But back to the question-- I was a solid 8.





EVSTER: Yeah, I was prolly an 8, too.

What to Expect in Part Two!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ZWR: Wait what so apparently she has to tell the other two donkeys that she never really liked them but played along because it was all a part of the show ZOMG YES PLEASE THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME Chris might cry for eleven years straight!

EVSTER: My wife thinks Brooks is gonna come back, but she clearly knows nothing about men. I think Des will be a total basket case, and Harrison will do his best to comfort her, but whatever Harrison, Des needs a real man to take care of her! Someone who’s tan and romantic and sweet and strong and has a chest like a young Dick Butkus. Someone like, oh, I dunno, a CERTAIN WORLD FAMOUS HOLLYWOOD JEWELER TO THE STARS?

NEIL THE REAL DEAL LANE COMIN AT YA!

DIDN’T KNOW I HAD TO GAT YA!

4 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. You're an idiot, Jr.

      You're a goddamned idiot.

      Delete
  2. A guy who uses the word "lurve" and talks (seriously is into) the bachelor(ette) shows. I got a bit of vomit in my mouth...

    ReplyDelete

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