Tuesday, July 23, 2013

BACHCAPS: The Men Tell ... ALL!


Evan and I intentionally took the last two weeks off from BACHCAPPING™ so that we could build up our stamina and come at you fools with an epic BACHCAP® . The following will not disappoint. Frankly, if you are disappointed then you're a total doof and I'm banning you from both my bolg and TVMWWMVEVW and you can go screw.

Best Performance by a Plumber
ZWR: When Mikey the plumber almost slapped the figure-four leg lock on hashtag Casey. Why didn’t he do it? Oh, better yet: what if he pulled a giant wrench out from his dress slack hem and twisted his head with it? Now that would have been must see TV!

Pink, V-Neck, Pocket
THE EVSTER: Forget about Casey’s head getting twisted or the blood spewing all over the place how hilarious would it be to just see a guy with a giant wrench?

ZWR: That was the joke, dummy. Thanks for making me explain it... that always adds to the humor. Go on...


THE EVSTER: Mikey really is one of the all-time biggest baloney heads on the history of the Bachelorette. First of all, his name is Mikey, and he’s a plumber. Secondly, he and James need (NEED ABC, NEEEEEDDDDDD) their own reality show where they just go around Chicago attempting to pick up successful women. And also, WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY TALKING ABOUT WANTING TO PICK UP SUCCESSFUL WOMEN? Who goes around attempting to pick up successful women? I mean, it’s a fantastic plan, I’d love to pick up a successful woman, but when I was a bachelor, I never thought to actually go after a successful woman. I always just wanted to go after a breathing woman. Are successful women generally more attractive than lowlife, underachieving, misguided women? I tend to think the complete opposite. But what do I know? I’m just an über-famous internet celebrity who once secretly played high school basketball with a VERY TALL AND SUCCESSFUL MAN.

ZWR: Baloney head is a good one. Sometimes when I want to make fun of someone I sing the Oscar Mayer song but spell their name. It works better if it’s five letters long. “My baloney has a first name, it’s M-E-E-C-H …”

Who Most Helped Out His Image?
ZWR: No brainer- Juan Pablo. The whole middle of the show was basically all of the women in the audience (and all of the women in my living room) feenin’ for JuanPabs. There was a brief moment when I was dreaming about boinking him. I know Mrs. Evster had to have been all hot and bothered, right a guy who certainly doesn’t look like Juan Pablo?

THE EVSTER: Juan Pablo can do no wrong. It’s gotten to the point where he can literally say anything and we’ll think it’s charming. Hey Juan Pablo, what do you think of the whole George Zimmerman case? “Look, if George Zibbermans like me, okay, he like me, but if he don’t, what can I do about it? I just gonna keep looking after my daughter, and maybe I’ll have to shoot a black people. Because sometimes you just have to shoot a black people.” … Hmmm, yeah, sometimes you do have to shoot black people. Good point, Juan Pabs. Good point. You sure are dreamy.

Also, how ‘bout the fact that Juan Pablo’s daughter is named Camilla, which just so happens to be the same name as Gonzo’s chicken friend from the Muppets. Coincidence?!?! I think narbage!


ZWR: We were watching the new Muppet movie and the WAH yelled at the guy from Freaks and Geeks and his muppet brother for not rinsing after brushing their teeth. Love that kid’s chutzpah.

Who Most Damaged His Image?
ZWR: I’m going with Zak. I know he’s a good guy, but he normally kind of reminds me of The Situation if he were microwaved for too long and bro was looking extra rough last night. And then he whipped out the guitar and the entire world was all, “OHMYGOD NO DON’T DO IT!” Like, for serious, I was playing with my phone and Penn State’s tight end even tweeted “Zak please stop”.



THE EVSTER: Ben has always been a dufus, but when they flashed back to him wearing that black tank top by the pool, he just took the dufism to a whole new lev. (And I realize that by abbreviating the word level to “lev” I took dufism to a whole new NEW lev, but that’s sort of my thing.) Now Zoo, you’re from South Philly, so you’ve probably known people who actually wore those tank tops and were DEAD SERIOUS about ‘em, but aw man, Ben, buddy, what could you possibly have been thinking? I sort of feel like even if Des was super attracted to Ben, she should have pulled him aside and told him, “Ben. Benny boy. Ben Ben. Look, you’re a nice dude, I know, I know, everyone hates your stupid guts, but I don’t. I really don’t. I actually like you. You make me feel happy, and comfortable, and loved, but that goddamn tank top, dude, I mean seriously, those are television cameras over there. You see those things? With the long lenses and the flashing red light? TELEVISION CAMERAS. This is going to go out to literally MILLIONS of people around the country. Are you aware of that? Do you know what’s going on here? TELEVISION, BEN. Have you looked in a mirror? Charlie! Charlie! Hey Charlie! Can you bring of those mirrors over here?! Thank you! Look at yourself, Ben. You’re a nice looking guy! Why would you do this? I’m sorry, I’m gonna have to send you home right now. I’m not even sorry. I just have to send you home. You understand. You haveta understand. See ya later, dude. Tanks for coming on the show. Sorry, that was rude. But seriously that tank top is retarded. This isn’t 23rd and Shunk. Now get the hell outta here, I’m gonna go french some dudes.”


ZWR: I haven’t lived in South Philly in years, so consider the following prefaced: Folks wore tank tops all the time, but the kind that come in three and five packs like tighty whiteys... not these things with bra straps and a squared horizontal collar. I think that jawn’s supposed to be fashionable? ALSO: Dude I worked scooping water ice at a corner store not far from 23rd and Shunk that’s crazy.

Who Had Absolutely No Shot of Doing Anything to his Image?
THE EVSTER: Jason Mesnick. Ugh, what a tweedle. No matter what that guy does, I cringe. And he didn’t even do anything THAT annoying last night. He just showed up at some stupid party, “THE MESNICKS ARE HERE!” with his stupid baby, and his perfectly fine and not that horrible wife, and yet still, that stupid smile of his, ugh. I feel like he has set Jewish people back at least another 50 years. It’s like, if they had to make a Jewish dude the Bachelor, of course they’re gonna pick a nebbishy, happy-dick, crying little weenie. Why not someone with a little flavor? Why not someone with a little edge? Why not Ryan Braun? He would’ve made a fantastic bachelor. And it’s not like he’s doing anything for the next nine months. #BRAUN4BACH

ZWR: Wait what.

How Would You Describe Darryl Dawkins’ Image?
THE EVSTER: He’s sort of a combination between a 1970s pimp and Mr. Snuffaluffagus.



ZWR: When I was a summer camp counselor World B Free came one day and showed the kids how to play basketball and hit like 47 straight jump shots from the top of the key I couldn’t believe it. This was like 20 years after he retired. I don’t think people realize how amazing professional athletes are.

Let's Talk About One of the Dudes in the Crowd
ZWR: No guys really stood out. My favorite women were: purple dress with giant boobs (on camera roughly 4349 times), shocked grandma, and angry lady in the red shirt who gave James the “oh no you didn’t”.

THE EVSTER: After it was revealed that Juan Pablo’s daughter’s name was Camilla, my brother in law spent the entire rest of the evening googling pictures of Camilla the chicken. Also, here’s a little tidbit you might not have known from Muppet Wiki, which apparently is a thing.
“Camilla the Chicken is the love of Gonzo’s life. Gonzo loves Camilla, but sometimes he chases after other chickens, because he's not always sure which chicken is which.”
ZWR: That is amazing.

Have You Ever Worn a Skinny Tie, Be Honest
ZWR: I don’t think so, but when I was in the first grade I wore a clip-on tie. Then toward the end of the year a second grader pulled me aside at recess and told me I had to ditch the clip-on and go with a real tie. And by “real” tie, I mean one that was also already pre-tied but had a hook and loop that connected behind your neck instead of clipping over the front of your collar like a dorkbeak.

Craney always called me dorkbeak : (

THE EVSTER: I had to wear a skinny tie for a wedding a few weeks ago -- and a slim-fitting suit -- and it was really embarrassing. It made my belly look a lot bigger and even though my wife told me that it looked really nice, she’s sort of a compulsive liar which is one of the reasons why I love her so much.

ZWR: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Did you wear tight pink shorts and a madras blazer the next morning and throw on boat shoes to run out and grab an iced coffee and gourmet scone from the food truck?

THE EVSTER: NO, BUT I WOULD’VE LOVED TO.

What'd You Think of Harrison's Performance?
ZWR: Being Harrison is like being Kobe Bryant’s point guard in high school -- you don’t have to really do anything, and even if your passes aren't that good it’s going to end in success because the situation is tilted toward amazeballs. “Tell me more about Germany” is the equivalent of a bad lob on a fast break but WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CARES slam dunk.

THE EVSTER: Look, even if all Harrison has to do is lob it up on the break, he still has to be willing to give someone else the glory. THAT’S CALLED BEING A TEAM PLAYER. Harrison controls the tempo, dishes the questions around, and allows people like Mikey and James to end up on the cover of US Weekly. And everyone thinks, “Ohhhhh, his job is so eeeeeeaaaasssssyyyyyyy, anyone can sit next to Juan Pablo and be entertaining,” but HE HAS TO SACRIFICE, OKAY? You think he couldn’t be a star? You think he couldn’t GET TO THE RIM WHENEVER HE WANTS TO. And the thing with Harrison is, just when you think you’ve figured out what he’s doing, that he’s gonna lob another question up for that nimrod James, he catches you sleepin with a good ole fashioned zinger, and then ends up boinking one of the production assistants after the show.

Best Phillies Mustache of All Time
ZWR: You want me to say Mike Schmidt, but my answer is Glenn Wilson because looked like my dad’s cousin and he owned a gas station.


THE EVSTER: I’ve always thought the conversation begins and ends with John Wockenfuss.


And hold up. Glennbo owned a gas station? Or your dad’s cousin owned a gas station?

ZWR: My dad’s cousin did. Oh, and thanks for bringing up Glennbo. I very much share The Good Phight's desire to unearth visual evidence of the Glennbo commercial.

THE EVSTER: I DON’T KNOW IF THAT WAS THE ANSWER I WAS LOOKING FOR BUT IT’S STILL AMAZING.

Best Butt of All-Time
ZWR: Duh, mine.

THE EVSTER: I’ve always thought the conversation begins and ends with John Wockenfuss.


Best Time of All-Time
THE EVSTER: Dinosaur time seems cool: lots of nature, figuring out how to make fire, DINOSAURS, but I’m going with the 70s. It was a fantastic time for movies, no cell phones, the birth control was in full effect, no AIDS, people played a lot of pinball, chicks were probably starting to wear really exciting underwear, Star Wars, John Wockenfuss. Also the 40s and 50s seemed neat: listening to ballgames on the radio, milkshakes, chicks legitimately wore those garter thingies. I’m still going with the 70s though. Star Wars, dude! Star Wars!

ZWR: Speaking of dinosaurs, remember the show? It was on in like the early 90s? They looked like they were made from the same stuff as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Remember that? Yea, well I had an AIRBRUSHED “NOT THE MAMA” SHIRT. Think on that.

THE EVSTER: Of course I remember that show. You think I’ve built a TV blogging empire without actually having any knowledge / history of television? I seriously think that show was ahead of its time.

AND ARE YOU READY FOR THIS ONE? I recently had the brothers over at the Gallery Mall make me this t-shirt:


GAME OVAH.

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