Monday, July 1, 2013

Ruben Amaro Jr. Plays the $150,000,000 Pyramid




Ruben, Markie, you've made it to the winner's circle! Congratulations. You know how this works- solve all of the clues and you win the grand prize of $25,000. Markie, you'll be giving the clues. Ruben, you'll be guessing. Are you both ready? 

Yes!

I'm so nervous, Dick!

60 seconds on the clock. 

And, go!


People in general. Fans. On base percentage. Strategic plan--.


Things I hate!!!


A crystal ball. Regression analysis. A good GM.

Things that predict the future!


A used car sales...

People who earn a commission!

WOW! HE'S CRUISING!!!


The phone book. A good steak. Alan.

Things that are thick!!!


Cucumbers. Bee...

Things that are pickled!

OH MYYYYYY!

40 seconds still left on the clock for this last one! CAN HE DO IT?!


Veteran baseball players at the deadline. 


Michael Young. 

Uh...things that are awesome?

Players that could be used to shed salary and bring in high quality young prospects. 

...

To play right field?

I, uh... ???

Older players, on teams that won't make the playoffs, to teams that are contending, in July.

Assets with large contracts. 

Guys you don't want to offer arbitration to. 

Wow. This is really tough. 

Jonathan Papelbon. Closers who make $12M on bad baseball teams.

Things that beat up nerdy dorks!

Salary ... bad ... old ... deadline... contenders

ONLY FIVE SECONDS LEFT!!!

IT RHYMES WITH OLD AND STARTS WITH AN "S" 

Look. I don't know, okay. MAYBE YOU SHOULD GIVE BETTER CLU--

***BUZZER SOUNDS***

(CROWD SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)


(shaking darn head)

Wow, Markie. Ruben. That was, uh... yeah. Wow, that was a tough one. Can't say I've ever seen anything like that, actually.

The answer we were looking for, Ruben, was "Things That Are Sold."

(Audible GASP from crowd)

 I'm sorry, Markie. I know you tried hard, but ultimately you weren't able to get it done on the field.  But I want you to know I still view you as a Night Court castmember for life.

You must be joking, right?

(Markie Post storms off set, but leaves microphone attached)

What a smug a**hole, never book me on this show again!
 
Okay, everyone calm down now.

(forced, nervous laughter)

Well I'm sorry Ruben, but you didn't complete the pyramid, despite Markie Post's rather excellent, sometimes illegal clues, and your best effort. You also seem to have left the fans in the audience annoyed and befuddled. 

Better luck next time, WHEN WE PLAY THE PYRAMIDDDDDDDDD

Exit music plays, and the camera zooms on contestant Ruben Amaro sitting sad and alone, failing to see the error of his ways.


/credits roll as Ruben picks his nose


8 comments:

  1. This wins the internet today, hands down.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I wouldn't kick Markie Post out of bed for crumbs

    ReplyDelete
  3. That was great but I'd rather hear the Night Court theme song

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is the best thing ever

    ReplyDelete
  5. You predicted the future! I'd be so happy if it wasn't so sad.

    ReplyDelete
  6. A crystal ball. Regression analysis. A good GM. This post.

    ReplyDelete

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