Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Five Questions with Phillies Reporters (Part Three)

Part One is here.
Part Two is here.

We're really getting to the nitty-gritty folks.

Question 3: When Roy Halladay takes me to the zoo this offseason which of you donkeys should I let exclusively cover it?

Ryan Lawrence: You for serious? NEXT QUESTION.

David Murphy: I’m going to take this time to offer a few words of advice to all of the kids. From the looks of things, that is your target audience, no? Ah, well, either way, the thing I would like to impress upon them is the power of words. I've seen my share of colleagues face the wrath of one of their subjects, and in the vast majority of those occasions the offense was nothing more than a throwaway line that served as a cheap attempt at humor (which, frankly, is most attempts at humor). You can write 3,000 words on the awfulness of the Phillies bullpen, but if you write that the relievers who compose said bullpen are “dumber than your average traveler,” as Bob Ford once did, you will likely be called out for it, as Bob Ford was (Long story. Ask Bob Ford. But don’t ask him via phone call at 1 a.m. central time after you've been drinking all night in Milwaukee. Actually, that’s a long story too). Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Oh, vaunted wordsmith, my feeble brain is failing to process the reason you are imparting this advice in response to a question Roy Halladay taking somebody to the zoo during the off-season.” Well, if I were a lesser writer who was trying to clown a bolgger (if ‘blogger’ rhymes with ‘jogger,’ I assume ‘bolgger’ rhymes with ‘booger’), and that bolgger was to suggest that his favorite pitcher was planning on taking him to the zoo, and if that favorite pitcher was in his mid-30’s and coming back from shoulder surgery, I might suggest that the more appropriate question involves the coverage of said pitcher taking said bolgger to the stud farm. But as we have already established, and as you no doubt realize by having read my stuff, I am not a lesser writer (Besides, the pitcher in question if Roy Halladay, who I’m pretty sure is immortal).


Todd Zolecki: If you don’t pick Lawrence, he’s going to kill the person who is picked (Editor's Note: I pick David Murphy) and go in his place anyway. So just pick him, OK?

Kevin Cooney: I would say me because - well, if I said otherwise, I don't think my bosses would like it. Besides, I wouldn't act like Chris Farley interviewing Paul McCartney on the Chris Farley show- which is more than some others would say. Then again, I know that you'll go to Salisbury- everyone goes to Salisbury. Although Deitch at the zoo screaming at the animals and the PPA guy ticketing his car would be hilarious.


  1. I feel like your shots at Murphy are really all a joke, because frankly, you seem much too nice to actually dislike him.

    The thing is, I genuinely dislike him! I feel like he's EXACTLY the way you write him. And it makes me sad that I'm as gullible as commenters.

  2. Yeah, I don't know if I'm just not getting his sense of humor, but Murphy is really coming off badly in these things...

  3. Wait, that means Highest Cheese/BiDavidMurphy is coming from INSIDE the newsroom!


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