Monday, August 12, 2013

You Know, The Phillies Could Be Pretty Good Next Year If...


By Danger Guerrero


You know, the Phillies could be pretty good next year if...

... Cole Hamels regains his 2008/2012 form, AND...

... they decide to keep Cliff Lee, AND...



... Roy Halladay comes back healthy and is willing to re-sign for a club-friendly deal, AND...

... Jesse Biddle and other young arms mature over the offseason and are ready to contribute at some point during the season, AND...

... Jonathan Papelbon gets his act together, OR...

... the team uncovers some loophole in the CBA that allows us to send him to the moon and get 10-12 compensatory first-round picks for it, AND...

... we aren't responsible for his salary (because how would he even spend it on the moon?), AND...

... Domonic Brown and Ben Revere can build off of their promising, but streaky, first years in the outfield together, AND...

... Darin Ruf continues hitting and proves to be just barely serviceable in right field, AND...

... Chase Utley and Jimmy Rollins have healthy, productive years in the middle infield, AND...

... Freddy Galvis or Cesar Hernandez can fill in capably if Chase and/or Jimmy break down for a few weeks, AND...

... Ryan Howard can come back from yet another injury and become 70% of the player he was when the team signed him to that contract extension, OR...

... we put him on that moon rocket with Papelbon, AND...

... Ruf can develop into an everyday first basemen, AND...

... Cody Asche is ready to take over third base, AND...

... Chooch returns on a cheap-ish, short-term contract while our catching prospects continue to develop, AND...

... Ruben Amaro focuses on improving the bullpen instead of throwing money at aging veterans who are total liabilities in the field, OR...

... someone ties him to a chair and does that for him and forges his name on all the documents, OR...

... he hires Liam Neeson and sends him to California to kidnap Mike Trout and Clayton Kershaw from the Angels and Dodgers, respectively, AND...

... neither team notices, OR...

... when they show up to complain there are two big mean dogs in the room, AND...

... both teams are all "Hey now, we don't want any trouble, okay? Y'all can keep our players, just tell them dogs to play nice," AND...

... the other teams in the NL East hear about these big mean dogs and they decide to forfeit all the games they'd have to play in Philly, AND...

... Bud Selig is too busy chasing A-Rod through all the rooms of a hotel like in a Benny Hill movie to notice that the Phillies are using implicit threats of canine-related violence to steal both All-Star players and the division, AND...

... at least one of the big mean dogs can consistently get lefties out in high-leverage situations, AND...

... there's no thunder or vacuum cleaners around when the dog is pitching, AND...

... Charlie Manuel or Ryne Sandberg or whoever coaches the team can get everyone to put the last couple years behind them and focus on making one big push, OR...

... they bring in a hypnotist to do it, AND...

... there's no weird/zany consequences from hypnotizing the whole team, like Chase Utley thinking he's a chicken every time he hears "Kashmir," or Domonic Brown thinking the warning track is literally made of lava, AND...

... the Earth isn't destroyed by a giant meteor in January, rendering all of this irrelevant.

So, yeah. Things are definitely looking bright.

4 comments:

  1. Awesome. Thank you for a good thing on a Monday morning.

    ReplyDelete
  2. So you're saying there's a chance....

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm kind of down with the meteor, truth be told I am getting bored with all of this silly life stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  4. REPLY IF YOU READ THAT ENTIRE THING LIKE A RUN-ON SENTENCE AND HAD TO GASP FOR AIR AT THE END.

    ReplyDelete

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