Remember, these are not for amusement purposes only; we want you to actually wager with your money. Like, with a bookie and piles of cash. Don't let the man tell you there's something wrong with it, either. He just wants you to buy into HIS scams like the lottery and personal property tax and funding the stadiums these teams you can't bet on play in and crap like that. Another reminder, our expert here just started college this month and got the gig by being funny on Twitter so do with that as you may, but be sure to gamble illegally on the street.
Last Week: I went 8-7-1 ATS but had a disappointing week straight-up, only going 8-8. This brings my totals to the year to 20-26-2 ATS and 30-18 straight up. To the picks we go! Home team in CAPS.
San Francisco 23, ST. LOUIS (+3.5) 20. Already got this one wrong spread-wise. Thought the Niners were too banged up coming off a rough loss. Forgot Sam Bradford was awful. It happens.
Pittsburgh (-3) 24, Minnesota 17. We send 2 games across the pond to London and this fart burrito is one of them? Woof. Not the way to build your fan base. Making this pick solely because there is a decent chance Matt Cassel starts for the Vikings.
Baltimore (-3) 27, BUFFALO 20. EJ Manuel has been frisky so far but I like the Ravens to go get a road win in Buffalo. Spread started at -6 and got bet all the way down to -3 for reasons I’m not sure, so there’s value too.
Cincinnati (-3.5) 27, CLEVELAND 17. Again, another spread I don’t really get. Bet down from -6 so there’s value too. And Brian Hoyer was decent last week, but the Bengals beat Aaron Rodgers and the Packers and Brian Hoyer is still Brian Hoyer.
Indianapolis (-8.5) 31, JACKSONVILLE 10. Always bet against Blaine Gabbert.
Seattle (-2.5) 28, HOUSTON 13. Andre Johnson is banged up, Arian Foster looks slow, and the Seahawks defense is ferocious. Houston looked bad in Baltimore last week.
Arizona (+2.5) 23, TAMPA BAY 16. You get points to bet against Mike Glennon and the dysfunctional Buccaneers in his first start. This is a gift.
Chicago (+3) 34, DETROIT 31. I think Chicago is legit this year, and you can usually count on Detroit to shoot itself in the foot with a crucial mistake at a key juncture. Peanut Tillman game-changing pick-6, anyone?
KANSAS CITY (-4) 30, New York Giants 17. Because of course Big Red would start 4-0 in Kansas City. The Giants lost 38-0 to the Panthers. How is this spread only -4?
TENNESSEE 23, New York Jets (+3.5) 20. Geno Smith hasn’t been horrible thus far to the surprise of just about everyone. Going to be a defensive battle, but I like that extra half-point. Still think the Titans pull it out at home, though. All 3 of the Jets’ games so far this year have been one-score games.
SAN DIEGO (-2) 31, Dallas 27. Cowboys suck go Birds.
Washington (-3.5) 31, OAKLAND 24. Matt Flynn might start. Redskins have to win one sometime, right? It’s the Raiders.
DENVER (-11) 45, Philadelphia 31. Air’s thin up there in Denver. Defense is going to be sucking wind whether the offense scores or not, and I’ve had a recurring nightmare of Cary Williams trying to cover Demariyus Thomas since Monday night. This one might get ugly. (This is also your survivor pick, as much as I hate to say it)
ATLANTA (-2) 31, New England 28. Falcons need this game, plain and simple. First decent team the Pats have played. Also if you watch this over Breaking Bad you are stupid.
NEW ORLEANS (-6.5) 34, Miami 24. I like the Dolphins and think they’ve got a good shot at a wild card, but you don’t often bet against Drew Brees and the Saints in a night game at the Superdome and live to tell the tale.
Enjoy the games, grown ups!