Monday, September 16, 2013

Eagles Week 2 Report Card, Featuring Everyone

Hey kids, we're back!!! Well, most of us. Bobby Big Wheel spent his day watching the Giants get whooped and Craney is still a blog/Twitter Salinger. 

Michael Vick doing something


The Evster: I should probably open up by saying that I currently have some inflammation around the sac of my heart and am on a whole bunch of prescription pain killers so at some point during this post I might just start making a grocery list or talking about butterflies. But as for now lemme tell ya that Michael Vick sure can throw a football far and I love him even though he killed all those dogs and oh hey look at all these pretty colors what a wonderful world we live in.  Grade: B+ (It’s not Mike’s fault the Eagles defense eats a fat one.)

Going Hardinger: Mike played well today. Left some points on the field early with that throw to James Casey that could have been better (but could have been caught) and the missed deep balls to Desean, but he didn’t turn it over, kept himself out of harm’s way for the most part, and played a good game. Not his fault they lost.  Grade: A-

ZWR: Dude, Michael Vick should have had 600 yards and 6 touchdowns yesterday. But even if that happened- and it should have- the Eagles still would’ve lost because their defense is a fartpoop sandwich. Grade: A-

DG: I spent about 10 minutes yesterday imagining Randall Cunningham at quarterback in Chip Kelly’s system. It was so beautiful. I cried a little. Grade: A-

Running Back

The Evster: Only running the ball 11 times with Shady was just stupid. Also stupid: I went to the game today and at the Linc they blast the dumbest guitar slashing music after EVERY PLAY and I don’t know why they wouldn’t just let me sit there and enjoy a nice football game while watching the cars go by on 95. Also, what’s up with everyone at the Linc yelling all the time? Eagles fans need to calm down / take sedatives.  Grade: A forever, I love you Shady and I also love apple snauce.

Going Hardinger: Inexcusable for Shady to only get 11 carries. Yet no one is talking about it because we all love Chip so much. Still, Shady got involved in the passing game as well and was his usual game and ankle-breaking self. Grade: A. Shady Bounce for life, y’all.

ZWR: Shady is the coolest ever he might have 1000 yards rushing / 1000 yards receiving / 1000 ankles broken this year. Also major propppppers to Bryce Brown for going two games without a fumble! Grade: A

DG: I have no proof that this actually happens, but in my mind Bryce Brown goes home at night, has a few glasses of wine, then starts convincing himself that he could make the same cuts Shady makes if he really wanted to. Then he tries and knocks a lamp over. Every night. Grade: B+

Receivers/Tight Ends

The Evster: DJax is very quickly climbing the charts as my favorite football player ever and is now just a few notches below Michael Vick, Byron Evans and my CVS pharmacist, Linda. She really is a wonderful woman even though she might actually be a man. Either way I love her/him and LOATHE Riley Cooper. Grade: DJax: A, Riley Coops: F, Linda: RX459S78

Going Hardinger: Desean “Swagga Jac” “10 Mode” “DJax” Jackson played fantastic, and that was with a long TD wiped off the board by Lane Johnson. R Coops caught a TD. Brent Celek was invisible. James Casey dropped a TD. Zach Ertz didn’t drop any passes.  Grade: Swagga Jac A+, everyone else: C

ZWR: Do I recall correctly that Jason Avant caught a pass and didn’t do the Jesus Jazzhands? IF SO, then Chip Kelly might have to rethink things. You can’t ask Jason Avant to sacrifice Jesus Jazzhands. As such, either don’t throw him the ball or- if you do- allow him a few seconds to Jesus Jazzhands it up before throwing the ball to the ref. ALSO they should have just thrown go routes to Desean every play each time they did he dusted number 29 by a good ten yards. OH MY GOD can you imaging Nate Allen trying to cover Desean? Grade: DJAX: A, Everyone Else: Meh

DG: Desean Jackson is the best because he weighs like 160 lbs in full, soaking wet pads, and he still is out there yapping at everyone who comes within 15 feet of him. One day he’s gonna say something dumb to Patrick Willis and end up getting planted in the turf up to his neck. He’ll look like a pineapple. And he’ll STILL be running his mouth. I love him. Grade: A+

Offensive Line

The Evster: Our seats at the game today were right below these mega speakers and even though it seemed like they were blasting Incubus all game long, we were able to hear the Public Address guy loud and clear as he told us that #65 was flagged for illegal formation. Still, even though #65 kept screwing up, he played much better than whoever was supposed to be covering Eddie Royal.  Grade: Incubus F, Offensive Linemen who are not #65 B+

Going Hardinger: For goodness sake I know you’re new here Lane Johnson but how fargling hard can it be to line up on the line of scrimmage I mean really. Did you not have to line up on the line of scrimmage at Oklahoma? FFS. Grade: Lane Johnson: D, everyone else: C+

ZWR: I ate so much food yesterday I feel gross how do those giant guys play football I can’t even eat a big lunch and get comfortable on the couch. Grade: Much Respect

DG: Yesterday I sprinkled a bunch of red pepper flakes in my hummus and ate the whole container with pita chips. Grade: Spicy Hummus = A, O-line = C.

Defensive Line

The Evster: I feel the need to mention that last week Zoo With Roy had us write a whole Week 1 recap and then he never posted it because he was too busy sipping Mimosas on Fire Island. I planned on boycotting this week’s recap, but am so desperate for more readers of my own blog, TV My Wife Watches, that I’m still here. Any of you guys gonna watch Miss America? I am.  Grade: F, no pressure on the QB and an absolutely abysmal performance. Tramadol is a wonderful drug though.

Going Hardinger: Yeah Ev is right...we wrote a great recap, really poured my heart and soul into that thing. And it was a lot more enjoyable than this one because 6 days ago we were all full of hope and optimism and whatnot. My stuff was actually sorta funny, unlike this one. Also, I wrote an entire Week 2 NFL picks column that he didn’t post either because stuff like “spending time with his family on vacation at the beach” and “enjoying himself” are more important than a teenager’s desire to get published on the world’s foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Roy Halladay. FWIW, after my terrible performance last week (4-11-1 ATS, 10-6 SU)  I went 7-8 ATS this week and 11-4 SU. Anyway, no pressure on Phillip Rivers all day. Against a team that starts King Dunlap at left tackle. Yeah no for real that King Dunlap the same one who was only a marginal upgrade over Demetress Bell last year.
Grade: Butt

ZWR: GO SCREW YOUR FACES I’m pretty sure Danger and Craney have admin access to the BOLGGER DASHBOARD and didn’t post it sorry I wanted to spend some time at the beach with my stupid family and stupid kids who never sleep and/or don’t know that you’re allowed to just pee in the ocean I had to run back to the house coated in sand like a chicken cutlet 14 times a day to take the WAH to the potty. Defensive line stinks did Graham or Curry dress because both were drafted really high to never play football? Grade: GO SCREW

DG: Who is Cranekicker?


The Evster: I still can’t get over the fact that one of the Chargers’ linebackers is named Bront.
Grade: Super F minus

Going Hardinger: Trent Cole forced a fumble and Connor Barwin had a sack. Other than that, not too much else going on. Oh and Casey Matthews recovered a crucial fumble which would have been great except WHY WAS HE ALLOWED ON THE FIELD ON A DEFENSIVE SNAP? Also, Phillip Rivers just completed another first down to Antonio Gates. Grade: D-

ZWR: By proximity to secondary, they get an F.

DG: I think our linebacking unit would be better and more productive if one of them changed his name to Duke Shrapnel.


The Evster: RIP Malcolm Floyd. I hope that wherever you’re sleeping tonight that your nurses are pumping you with plenty of morphine and that the hospital has AMC so you can watch Breaking Bad.  Grade: Supes Dupes F minus

Going Hardinger: Only positive from anyone in this unit was Brandon Boykin’s forced fumble. I mean really they let Phillip Rivers carve them up while throwing to an old and decrepit Antonio Gates, Eddie Royal (who apparently turned into Jerry Rice in the offseason? And we’re not going to get a single investigative journalism piece about potential PED usage? SMH), Malcolm Floyd (RIP), Vincent Brown, and something called a Keenan Allen. Does it not worry anyone that we have to go up against Peyton Manning throwing to Demaryius Thomas, Wes Welker, Eric Decker, and friends this season? Or 2 games against Hakeem Nicks, Victor Cruz, and Reuben Randle? Etc etc etc. Nate Allen should be shot out of a cannon into the sun. And Cary Williams, after a one week reprieve from playing like the noted bowl of fart soup that he is, reverted back to his usual self today. Grade: Butt Fumble F----- forever and ever.

ZWR: It stinks in the moment, but one day down the road you’ll be sitting around with your buds and laughing your butts off talking about how you got to watch the worst secondary in the history of football. Come to think of it, our defense hasn’t been adequate in a long time. GANG GREEN. Grade: Q

DG: If the secondary isn’t gonna guard anybody, they might as well just blitz on every play. All of them. Maybe the quarterback will get scared and fumble. Hell, they could all wear scary clown masks instead of helmets, too. That is our best shot at stopping the pass right now. Grade: F

Special Teams

The Evster: Henery CAN’T MISS THOSE KICKS. Grade: D minus

sorry bros

ZWR: Can’t miss those kicks AND then not recover a fumble that rolled right to you. I’m not blaming you for the loss only because Nate Allen looked like Stephanie Hardinger at safety out there, but this one’s your fault Alex Henery. Grade: F

Going Hardinger: Woulda been cool if Alex Henery made that field goal before halftime. Woulda been cool if Alex Henery had fallen on that fumble. Woulda been cool if one of the 7832 other Eagles around that fumble fell on it also. Dave “Crazy Eyes” Fipp better fix this stuff. On the bright side, Donnie Jones stayed PINNING FOOLS inside the 20 and generally dropping thundersticks on people. Grade: D

DG: You could send a kickoff over the lower level of fans and into a deep fryer in one of the food stands, and Demeris Johnson would robably  pull it out with one of those strainer buckets, tap the excess grease off, then zoom off down the stairs and out the tunnel to try to return it anyway. I love him, too. Grade: Crispy Football



Going Hardinger: I really don’t think Chip did too bad of a job. Offense managed to put up 30 without any short fields to work with, and the points left on the field were mistakes made by players. Billy Davis, on the other hand...woof. One punt. ONE. Gotta regroup for Big Red and the 2-0 Chiefs on a short week for Thursday night. Division’s wide-open, and the Birds have as good a shot as anyone to take it if the defense can get off the field every once in a while.
Grade: Chip B-, Billy Davis F

ZWR: This offense is so fun. Vick had 400+ passing and a rushing score. JACCPOT had 190+, and it should have been 300+. If he can get this Jesus Jazzhands things rectified Chip has all the ducks in a row. Oh maybe address the defense but whatevs.

DG: If we lose to Andy Reid and the Chiefs next week I will be inconsolable.


  1. I can't wait til this recap includes Meech, Slap_Bet, Loctastic, PhilliesMike, CrashburnAlley, Treblaw, and Spike Eskin.

  2. Slap_bet is an NSA sock puppet, and exists only to monitor excellent Philly sports twitter discussion for terrorist threats against Phillies ownership and WaWa (for ending the promotion on whatever shitty sandwich people claim to like).

  3. PhilliesMike has over 40 years of football expertise i really think someone should reach out to him to see if he'd like to be a part of this.

  4. me comment and takes twitter people too serious and it bother


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