Friday, September 20, 2013

Eagles Week 3 Report Card (SPOILER: F-)

Hey there kids, the gang is back this week to review last night's craptavaganza. Let's get to it, I guess?

ZWR: I’m not prone to blame this one on Michael Vick, seeing as the special teams and offensive lines were the true causes of demise, but I mean seriously bro some of those throws were AWFUL and maybe we can work on having every other pass knocked down at the line of scrimmage? Grade: C+?

DG: Michael Vick threw a couple awful interceptions and got caught from behind on a long run. The dream is over. Blow it up and bring in Johnny Football. Grade: F-

THE EVSTER: I guess I’ll be the one to talk about FIVE. Frankly, I missed most of his halftime speech, but was BLOWN AWAY by how dark his mustache was. Grade: FIVE

Oh ZWR U so crazy

Going Hardinger: Seriously the entire game it looked like Vick was just doing whatever he wanted out there regardless of what the reads or whatever the fart he’s supposed to be looking at out there said. Vick was freestyling and bad things happened. He needs to be reigned in. Grade: C-

ZWR: You try standing pat when Todd Herramens is getting body-slammed on top of your head dorkbeak omg I’m defending Mike Vick what is going on?

BIG WHEEL: Hahhahaha what? I thought Michael Vick was supposed to be a good fantasy quarterback. So much for my ability to flip him for Julio Jones but that was fun to watch. For that he gets a D.

Running Backs
ZWR: Shady is beyond good and I’m afraid we’re wasting his ridiculously elite prime. Sad face. Ugh. Here, let’s all watch Toto’s Africa to cheer up after that! Grade: A+++++++++

DG: When Shady went down with his leg owie I straight up changed the channel and I didn’t come back until Twitter informed me he was okay. I can’t deal with that. Pack him in bubble wrap and packing peanuts until next week. Grade: F- for scaring me

THE EVSTER: Doesn’t matter what this guy does, he gets an A forever. He could fumble 13 times and make love to my wife on the sidelines and I’d still be like, “You know what, solid game from Shady. Not his best, but totally solid. Great job porking my wife, too, great job. I certainly couldn’t pork her like that,” and then I’d go back to porking myself and writing my blog and good God my life is so depressing please kill me. Grade: A

ZWR: Good point Evster.

Going Hardinger: Good golly Evster remind me to never get old...when Shady went down in the span of 60 seconds or so I:

1) had a heart attack
2) pulled up a list of the best safety (HaHa Clinton-Dix-no for reals that’s his name and WR (Marquis Lee, Sammy Watkins) prospects in the 2014 NFL draft
3) Went to the excellent Flyers website and started prepping myself for my only hope at a decent Philadelphia sports team this year
4) Cried

But Shady came back and he rules and I will never hear any differently. Ran for like 90 yards and a TD in the second half with a high ankle sprain and ran for 158 on 20 carries overall. Fun fact: Darren McFadden actually died from a high ankle sprain a year or two ago. Shady rules. Shady Bounce and Shady Aftermath for life. Grade: A+

BIG WHEEL: You guys love Shady the way Giants fans love [null set all Giants running backs are butts]. I actually felt bad when I thought he tore his ACL but as it turns out it was just a leg owie. Screw that. F.

Wide Receiver
ZWR: Riley Cooper had his “Todd Pinkston holy crap this guy can’t beat anyone who plays tight man against him” game last night. Good thing he’s worth the drama. YA BOI was fairly quiet. Chiefs had a ton of guys up tight to prevent crossing routes (don’t get me started on crossing routes), so in my expert football play design opinion they should have just thrown fly routes to him whenever they weren’t handing it to Shady. That all said, let’s not get too down because JESUS JAZZ HANDS owned it last night!!! He had a touchdown-- which led to a patented Double Jesus Jazz Hands-- and the absurd catch that preceded McCoy’s touchdown run. Grade: JJH: A, Everyone Else: B-

DG: No long touchdown passes to DeSean Jackson and no 15-yard penalties for taunting on DeSean Jackson after said long touchdown passes to DeSean Jackson. F-

THE EVSTER: Danger, not to turn into my mother, but I feel like there was ONE long bomb-a-roo to DeSean. Granted, he caught it and then immediately drifted out of bounds so it wasn’t one of his patented bomb-a-lomb-a-ding-dongs, but still, it was kind of a bomber. I don’t know why I felt the need to correct you there or why I’m not talking about how much Riley Cooper sucks, so let me just finish by saying that Riley Coops totally sucks butt. Grade: LET’S CUT THAT BOZO ALREADY

Going Hardinger: Jason Avant with potentially his last great Jesus Jazz Hands game as a Philadelphia Eagle. Nice TD catch and then this RIDIC snare here.

As for everyone else, Desean was sorta invisible but KC designed their D around stopping him. You’d think Riley Cooper or either of the tight ends would be able to take advantage, but you’d be wrong. Grade: Jason Avant A, SwaggaJac C, everyone else D

BIG WHEEL: Jesus Jazz Hands was my favorite member of the Cash Money Millionaires. Not that Riley Cooper would know, he only listens to Kenny Chesney. Grade: C-flat.

DG: Well, I think the offensive line main problem last night wa-... [gets sacked]. Grade: F-

THE EVSTER: You know, I wasn’t sure what I thought of those jokes at first where someone’s writing stuff and then gets cut off because they get run over by a car or something, but I think I’m starting to come around on them and feel lik… [gets porked by Shady McCoy and fumbles his own balls out of his butt]. Grade: A+

Going Hardinger: Ev isn’t this a family bolg? But yeah, for all the talk about how Jason Peters was 100% and Evan Mathis is the best guard in football and drafting Lane Johnson would both solidify the right tackle and right guard spots by kicking Herremans inside, this group has been pretty suspect so fa-... [shotgun snap from Jason Kelce goes over my head, Tamba Hali and Justin Houston devour my soul]

ZWR: King Dunlap, Dallas Reynolds, and Winston Justice would have been pro… [gets knocked over by giant Pop Tart that was swinging from a vine that was hanging from my office’s ceiling]

BIG WHEEL: I was going to give them a grade but then I realized it’d probably hurt their feelings. Oh wait I’m a Giants fan hahahahh you suck F-minus-minus.

Defensive Line
ZWR: Brandon Graham and Vinny Curry had flashes on the few plays they were in there, which is nice since we took them over Earl Thomas and Russell Wilson, respectively. I don’t even know if Trent Cole and Connor Barwin count as linebackers or lineman but whatever who cares. Grade: Go screw your face

Going Hardinger: Imagine this offense with Russell Wilson [awesome sauce]. Imagine this secondary with Earl Thomas [potentially competent]. :(

DG: Our defense gave up an 8-minute fourth quarter drive to an Andy Reid-led offense. Grade: F-

THE EVSTER: Overall, the D-Line got some good pressure on the QB, but there were some plays where Alex Smith just sat back there, looking, looking, shifting, looking, pointing, porking, and then taking off and running for like a three-yard gain. I guess limiting a team to a three-yard gain is kind of good, but I couldn’t stop screaming, “CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL HIM?” at my television all night. Also I was watching Breaking Bad. “CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL WALT? I MEAN, ENOUGH OF THIS GUY, AMIROOT?” Grade: C?

Going Hardinger: Grizzy Graham with a sack and Vinny Curry spiced things up (lol see what I did there follow me on twitter dot com for more jokes) and overall they got good pressure but they were gassed by the 4th quarter which led to maybe the first game-closing, 8-minute ball control drive by an Andy Reid-coached offense in ever. Grade: B

BIG WHEEL: Alex Smith: “I had the time of my life! I never thought quarterbacking could be this easy. Go to the Linc for your all-inclusive quarterback vacation.” Grade; D-

ZWR: Dude did you read Dan McQuade’s article about Rocky’s training run? I mentioned it to him and others after I read it, but Philadelphia really should make a marathon or relay out of it. If a marathon, it would immediately be differentiated from all others! If a relay, then name it the “Rocky IV”, and have each team’s members dress as different characters from Rocky movies. They can pipe Bill Conti’s soundtrack and all of the cheesy montage songs over speakers, have Italian Market folks toss fruit, etc. I’m pretty sure this idea is amazing. Grade: GETTING STRONG NOOOOWWWWW

Going Hardinger: This is a fantastic idea.

DG: Here is the music video for Freek’n You by Jodeci.

THE EVSTER: There was a time in my life when the Eagles linebackers were Seth Joyner, Byron Evans and Willie T. Now my wife won’t allow me to eat on our grey couch. I’m 36 years old and I’m not allowed to eat on my own couch. Grade: F

Going Hardinger: They were nothing special. Connor Barwin abused #1 pick Eric Fisher (maybe don’t draft a right tackle out of Central Michigan number 1 overall in the future) and TCole looked fired up like he was hunting a white elk but Mychal Kendricks played awful. Fun facts: we also drafted Mychal Kendricks over Bobby Wagner (155 tackles, 3 INTs, 2 sacks through 18 career games-best 4-3 MLB last year per PFF and now calling plays for the Seahawks defense) and Lavonte David (153 tackles, 2 INTs, 4.5 sacks through 18 career games) in the 2nd round last year. Grade: C

BIG WHEEL: You have linebackers? I didn’t notice that! Grade: Incomplete.

ZWR: Corners: Better than awful but srsly Donnie Avery the week after Eddie Royal? Wes Welker, Demaretiaruaruss Thomas, and that other white guy on Denver are going to put up like 700 yards. Safeties: You both stink at least Kurt Coleman stole people’s shoes. Grade: Stink

Going Hardinger: Donnie Avery go screw forever. At least Bradley Fletcher made Dwayne Bowe pretty invisible but at the same time the Chiefs ran like 2 or 3 pass plays the entire game until the last drive and we still couldn’t stop them. Cary Williams is a bowl of New England fart chowder. Peyton Manning is going to throw for 200 yards and 2 TDs next week-individually-to Demaryius Thomas, Eric Decker, and Wes Welker next week. Grade: Fart Soup

DG: See, it’s funny because his name is “Patrick Chung” which is like “Wang Chung” and he plays safety like a huge wang. Put that one together myself. A Beautiful Mind over here.

THE EVSTER: I can’t tell if that AT&T commercial where the kid tells that “Queen my dishes, please,” joke is either really cute and adorable or the worst thing in the history of the world. No wait, that would be the Eagles’ secondary. HOW DOES EVERYONE GET SO OPEN? DO THEY HAVE ANY IDEA THAT TEAMS ARE ALLOWED TO THROW TO THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD? DONNIE AVERY? EDDIE ROYAL? I would seriously, SERIOUSLY, like to see what Riley Coops could do against our DBs jk he would still totally suck and probably drop every pass I mean who would possibly want to go through life with a haircut like that?!?! Grade: FFFFFFFFFF

BIG WHEEL: I commend you for honoring the memory of Donovan McNabb (RIP) by not playing pass defense. He would’ve wanted it that way. Grade: RIP

Special Teams
ZWR: I did some research with the help of STATS, and it turns out that was the worst ten minutes to start a game-- huge kickoff return, muffed punt, failed fake PAT-- in the history of football. No worries, though, Alex Henery kept the momentum (if less historic) going by missing another critical fourth quarter kick.

DG: Dammit, Penguin. Keep your Saberhooey math outta these recaps. This is a place for STRONG TAKES about GRIT and JODECI VIDEOS, not analyzing special teams VORPWAR.

ZWR: Here’s Jodeci’s Come and Talk to Me video!!!

Going Hardinger: Not being one to accept anything at its face value, I talked to my buddy over at the Elias Sports Bureau and he said, and I quote, “We’ve never tracked a special teams performance as bad as that ever. At least, I don’t think so. After that direct snap jawn to Zach Ertz our computers fried and our head researcher’s ears started bleeding. We’re all rooting for him to make a quick and speedy recovery. Grade: Crazy Eyes (

Going Hardinger: the only thing I know about Jodeci is that Drake song Jodeci Back it was ok also you guys are old

THE EVSTER: I want the Eagles to sign a kicker who specializes in blasting kickoffs into Riley Cooper’s face. Grade: F until that happens.

BIG WHEEL: I want to play Alex Henery in skee ball. Grade: Drake song.

The Endzone
ZWR: Looked so dope. Grade: YESPLX

DG: Never forget.

THE EVSTER: All I want to do is eat a bagel on my couch. Is that so much to ask? Grade: Sadness

Going Hardinger: ask Shady and Jesus Jazz Hands, they’re the only 2 Eagles who got to see it last night. Grade: Sadz

Final Thoughts:
Going Hardinger: 1-2 headed into a 3-game road trip to Denver (lol), NY Giants (Eliface will probably throw for 908342 yards to Victor Cruz prolly), and Tampa (don’t think we’ve beaten them since Joe Jerevicius and Ronde Barber tore our hearts out-also go screw Blaine Bishop). Woof. Also we need to ban Thursday Night Football forever thanks bye.

Wait a second when did this kid get to start doing Fina… [Giant Gourd falls on top of ZWR]


  1. "This is gourd season
    Pathmark gourds for no reason"-Gourd Z

  2. Why does this guy have such a problem with Riley Cooper? He seems like he has a lot of sadness and hate in his life. I hope the Evster's able to get the help he needs.

    1. I don't think you're being serious here, I mean I think you're just messing around, but I'm not entirely sure, I'm honestly not sure and I'm on a lot of antibiotics right now and prescription meds so I'm gonna treat this comment as if you're being serious and actually reply.


      I obviously have a lot of sadness and hate in my life, because LIFE IS MEANINGLESS and I too hope that I can get the help I need and that the g-damn Eagles can sign a decent second receiver!!!





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