Monday, September 30, 2013

Eagles Week Four Report Card


Eagles Report Card ombudsman Crane Kicker asked that preface today's with his assessment: "Eagles Stink". Thanks CK! On to it, then! 

Quarterback
ZWR: We went out for brunch at a Mexican place with our neighbors yesterday. It was a great time. The kids had smoothies, the adults had margaritas, the food was excellent. What a great start to my Sunday. Grade: Yummy

DG: eagles suck draft manziel




The Evster: With ten minutes to go in the fourth quarter of a professional football game, one team felt so comfortable that they put in a person named Brock Osweiler to play quarterback. In his ten minutes of action, Osweiler completed 2 of 3 passes for 10 yards. His team still ended winning by 32 points. Grade: A

Hardinggngggggggererer: One team had one and the other didn’t. Grade: Incomplete

BBW: Only 14 fantasy points? What the sh*t, Michael Vick? You’re getting outclassed by Philip Rivers. And he’s PHILIP RIVERS. Grade: B

Running Back
ZWR: Roasted a chicken for dinner. Cut some potatoes and onions and threw those into the roasting pan with the bird, grilled brussel sprouts, baked biscuits. Perfect Sunday dinner. We really did the meals right today. Grade: NOM

DG: eagles suck draft manziel

The Evster: On the Eagles second drive of the game, they were faced with a 3rd and 1 from their own 27. Instead of huddling up, subbing in their Jumbo package and making sure they made the perfect call, Vick got them right up to the line of scrimmage and then handed off to Shady who ran right up the gut for an easy first down. A great, simple play call to keep the drive alive, a drive that resulted in a 35-yd field goal by Alex Henery. They then went on to lose by 32 points. Grade: B+

Hardinggngggggggererer: I’m a broke college student and my dining hall is closed on the weekend so my meals today were Ramen and a ham sandwich on stale wheat bread with no toppings, cheese, or condiments. Grade: Crushing Depression

BBW: So I’m 6 feet tall (handsome too!) and I do not have the coordination to stay on my feet very well. Like, when I play sports it involves a lot of falling down. Bryce Brown is like 2 feet tall but he does the same thing even though he’s super-athletic. That’s weird. Grade: C

Receivers
ZWR: Dude the Sixers start pretty soon and I’m not sure if they have enough guys for a whole roster, and one of the guys they are counting as a member of the team was given to them because he’s afraid to fly and the team who drafted him didn’t want to deal with that. Grade: Swish!


Hardinggngggggggererer: Fun fact: I actually turned down an offer to be the Sixers’ 9th-man this season because I wanted to focus on my education. Grade: As (or else my parents are going to be upset)

DG: eagles suck draft manziel

The Evster: I have Wes Welker on my fantasy team and was genuinely excited that he scored two touchdowns yesterday. On the other hand, my favorite football team employs a guy named Riley Cooper who has the uncanny ability to play football while taking a dump in his own pants. Nice job, Riles. Grade: FFFFFFFFFFFFFF

BBW: If this were a class the Eagles receivers [puts on sunglasses] would have dropped it. Grade: YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Offensive Line
ZWR: Vinny Lecavalier! Gonna be interesting. I’m thinking he’ll do wonders for Wayne Simmonds game. The C isn’t capitalized in Lecavalier. I just Googled it. Grade: Whoosh!

DG: eagles suck draft manziel

Hardinggngggggggererer: Reasons why I’m excited for the Flyers season: Claude “G” “X Gon’ Give It To Ya” “Big Daddy Dollar Bills” Giroux, Jake “Huge Dong” Voracek, Wayne “Train” “Choo Choo” “Simm Daddy” Simmonds, Cooters, Vincent the Cavalier, KimmoTimo forever. Reasons why I’m terrified: Ray Emery, Steve Mason, horrifically horrendous preseason, general history of Philadelphia sports. Grade: Nervously optimistic


The Evster: I wrote a long email to Zoo With Roy and Hardingggererrrererr and all these guys last week suggesting that we should have a designated order when doing these recaps. I figured with all the different voices involved, it’d make the report cards much easier to follow. Zoo could go first, then Danger, then me, then Hardddggginngngnggerrrr, then Bobby. Very simple, very easy to keep track of. And yet after only three positions, Hardinggggerererrrer has already screwed it all up. I hate teenagers. Grade: F

Hardinggngggggggererer: people can add their own headers in before or after mine go screw Evster it’s a Google Doc that’s why Steve Jobs invented these things before he died.

BBW: You guys have an offensive line? As a Giants fan, I’m jealous. Grade: A+

Defensive Line
ZWR: Who?

DG: eagles suck draft manziel

Hardinggngggggggererer: The Eagles had one more sack today than drunk girls I’ve made out with since college started. We drafted Vinny Curry over Russell Wilson and Brandon Graham over Earl Thomas. Grade: Sadley Cooper



The Evster: I once heard a stat that Peyton Manning is the least-sacked quarterback of all time based on his total number of dropbacks vs. the times he’s been dropped. I think it has something to do with him always getting the ball out quick, or that he’s had great offensive lines, or that I rarely pay attention when people are talking about stats. Regardless, the Eagles did record a sack today, so that’s something to be proud of. Also something to be proud of: Having the ability TO STICK TO A DESIGNATED ORDER. IT’S REALLY NOT THAT HARD. ONE PERSON GOES, THEN THE OTHER, THEN THE OTHER. THIS IS AMERICA. THERE ARE RULES, HARDINGER. GEEZ LOUIZE. Grade: F

BBW: Get the fire hoses and spray the Juan Castillo stank off these guys. Grade: F.

Linebackers
ZWR: What?


DG: eagles suck draft manziel

Hardinggngggggggererer: Did you guys see the finale of Breaking Bad? Great ending to a great show. Wonder if the Evster will put something up about it over at his bolg TV my worf wartches dot blorgsport dot corn (Editor's Note: SICK BURN). Grade: BrBa

The Evster: I DO NOT KNOW THE NAMES OF ANY OF THE LINEBACKERS ON THIS TEAM. Grade: F

BBW: The Eagles don’t have linebackers, they have a bunch of markass marks, trickass marks, punk bitches, and skip skaps, skanks, and scallywags, hoes, heffers, he ha's, and hulyhoops. Grade: Silky

Secondary
ZWR: Where?

DG: eagles suck draft manziel

Hardinggngggggggererer: Noted bowl of fart soup Cary Williams continued being a bowl of fart soup. They are not a good unit. Grade: Fart Soup

The Evster: Yesterday, a group of professional football players who get paid millions of dollars to prevent a person from throwing a football to another person allowed 28 of 34 passes to be completed for 327 yards and 4 touchdowns. Wait, no sorry, it was actually 30 of 37 passes for 337 yards because I forgot to include GOLDEN BOY BROCK OSWEILER. Grade: MORE AND MORE AND MORE FFFFFFFFFFFFFFs



BBW: WELCOME BACK DOMINIQUE RODGERS-CROMARTIE IT’S LIKE YOU NEVER LEFT! Grade: H

Special Teams
ZWR: Dude they stink again they stink every year why are they always bad? Grade: Chad Durbin

DG: eagles suck draft manziel

Hardinggngggggggererer: Fire Dave Fipp is the new Fire Bobby April. I didn’t study for my mythology test tomorrow to watch that dumpster fire. Grade: Spicy fart sandwich with fart guacamole on a ciabatta roll

The Evster: I have never seen a person block a punt so nonchalantly and then scoop it up for a touchdown as easily as Steven Johnson did yesterday. I also feel like it would hurt your hand so much to have a guy kick a football into it. Grade: F

BBW: Had to play Alex Henery in fantasy. This is why I hate the Eagles. Except for when he missed that field goal. Grade: F


2 comments:

  1. Eagles recaps are my favorite part about this site. Thank you, Penguin & co. (Needs more Craney though. RIP)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GOD BLESS YOU SARAH BARNETT YOU ARE A CREDIT TO YOUR RACE

      Delete

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