Monday, September 16, 2013

***LONG LOST*** Eagles Week ONE Report Card (@dangerguerrero, @goinghard_inger, @bobbybigwheel, @tvmww)

I thought they were kidding but these donkeys really made one while I was on vacation, after the Redskins game!

The Evster: I had to watch last night’s game with my buddy’s stupid one-year-old son and I could not pay attention to one goddamn play in that first half. Between the massive amount of boogers hanging out of the kid’s nose and his insistence on playing this game where he’d offer me a grape, only to pull it back from me at the last moment and shove it in his own dumb face, I missed pretty much every laser thrown by Vick including his touchdown pass to Desean. Silver lining: at one point late in the second quarter, the kid took a tumble and almost smashed his face into the coffee table, which caused me to let out a whispered “yessss” and give a little fist pump, even though I’m 95% sure his mom caught me. Luckily, I covered up for it by saying, “Wow, great throw by Vick there,” but I’m pretty sure the Redskins had the ball at the time and we might’ve actually been watching the US Open.
Grade: A for the first half, Snoozeville for the second.

Bobby Big Wheel: Hahahahahhahaha Michael Vick tore apart that shitty Redskins secondary.  GOOD THING YOU GOT 4 QUARTERBACKS THOUGH, REDSKINS!
Grade: A+++++

DG: This is what the Andy Reid era has done to me: As the first half was winding down, I watched Vick scramble around and through an incompletion and thought to myself, “Man, if he can get it together they could be pretty good.” Then ESPN put up his stats and he was 13/20 for 190 yards and two touchdowns. I am a broken individual.
Grade: A-

Going Hardinger: Vick accounted for 3 TDs and 0 turnovers and they got the W, can’t ask for anything else from him. Except maybe to learn how to slide because tee-ballers can do it and also it doesn’t look like he’ll make it through 16 games. But irrelevant for now. Great performance in a W.
Grade: A-

CK: I don’t feel like doing this. Everyone gets an A+ except for that stupid referee who was being a big jerk all night and cheating for the Redskins. What a big fat cheater that guy is.

Also off topic but did anyone else know this is what Danny Woodhead looks like?

um yes hello i am the love child of eddie furlong and liam gallagher

Running Back
The Evster: The only other person I’ve ever seen with moves like Shady was this kid on my high school basketball team, Tariq Wilson. At the end of one practice, our coach made us have a strip free throw shooting contest where every time you missed a foul shot, you had to take off an article of clothing. Whoever lost all of their clothes first was supposed to be thrown into the showers by the rest of the team. So after Tariq missed his final shot from the line -- wearing just boxer shorts and one all-black Nike hitop -- he took off and started running around the gym like a maniac. I swear, that kid had more jukes, jives and spin moves than any all-pro running back and eventually busted through the gymnasium doors and into the parking lot while howling like a coyote. Just now, 18 years after the incident, I am realizing how ridiculous this story is and cannot believe our coach was not fired on the spot.
Grade: A+

CK: I think I saw this in Basketball Diaries.

Bobby Big Wheel: So much better than that butt David Wilson
Grade: A++++

DG: One day LeSean McCoy is going to make a cut so sharp and violent that his kneecap is going to come screaming out of his body like a ninja star and decapitate a defensive back.
Grade: 1 million

Going Hardinger: SHADY BOUNCE FOR LIFE Y’ALL. 31 carries for 184 yards and a tuddy. And at least 39 broken ankles. As Crane Kicker so eloquently put it in a tweet that has probably already been deleted (RIP), “Baccari [fixed the typo Craney put in his name for him] Rambo’s jock is probably somewhere in Norfolk right now”. GIF evidence: Bryce Brown also played and didn’t fumble.
Grade: A++++++++

CK: Here is a picture I made.

The Evster: DJax is very quickly climbing the charts as my favorite football player ever and is now just a few notches below Michael Vick, Shady McCoy, Byron Evans and my wife. I love absolutely everything about him, especially the fact that he’s not Riley Cooper. At some point this season, I seriously want to see Riley Cooper’s head get detached from his body and then the rest of his Eagles teammates chase his headless corpse around the field and throw his body into the showers.
Grade: DJax: A, Riley Coops: F, Other Guys: Whatever

Bobby Big Wheel: Racism isn’t cool, bro.
Grade: Sensitivity training

DG: Jason Avant is 100 years old. That fumble he had was because of his arthritis.
Grade: B+

Going Hardinger: Desean “10Mode” “SwaggaJac” “Diamonds On My Neck” Jackson had a great game with 7 catches for 104 yards and a TD on 9 targets and also talked some smack to noted poop tortilla DeAngelo Hall. The rest of the guys were “meh”, which is about what you’d expect. Avant fumbled but made up for it somewhat by picking up a crucial 3rd down. As far as TEs go, not used as much as you would have thought based on the preseason and the media reports of Chipper’s TE fetish. Celek caught a nice TD. Ertz was invisible and dropped a pass that Chip questionably challenged and he’s not looking great as a 2nd round pick yet but it’s early.
Grade: WRs B, TEs B-

Offensive Line
The Evster: Overall great stuff from the O-Line, although I fear that if there is ever a fire on the field they could be lacking one key player to help them put it out. Very nervous about this going forward. Also nervous our quarterback could die at any moment.
Grade: I dunno, B+?

Bobby Big Wheel:  Where was that Canadian firefighter?  I thought he was supposed to be good.
Grade: Incomplete

DG: I liked that play where the Eagles only had three down linemen. You can’t get enough wide receivers on the field for me. A coach could run out a center, a quarterback, and nine wideouts running fly patterns, and I’d still be a little unsatisfied.
Grade: B

Going Hardinger: I know they’re learning a new scheme and stuff but a TON of free runners on Vick seriously he almost died a couple times. It’ll get better with time. I think. Lane Johnson and Todd Herremans gotta talk a bit more about the gap between them (I think it’s called the B gap? IDK I played one year of real football and I was a sophomore backup safety and WR who got 0 snaps the entire season), maybe have some late night text conversations about protecting the QB so we don’t see Folesanity before the bye.
Grade: C

Defensive Line
The Evster: Any defensive line without Mike Mamula is cool in my book. They seemed to get some good pressure on RGIII, although I would’ve liked to have seen his leg explode and helicopter into the air like at some point. Also, I don’t think I could name one player on the entire line.
Grade: I dunno, B+?

Bobby Big Wheel: Gets bonus points because they don’t have Trent Cole there any more.  Man, screw THAT guy.
Grade: A

DG: Agree with Evster. I don’t know who any of our linemen are. I kept watching the game and wondering where Brodrick Bunkey was. Football would be easier to follow if the teams owned the rights to players’ names. Like, if every Eagles QB changed his name to Randall Cunningham and wore number 12 for his time with the team. Let’s work on this.
Grade. 7

Going Hardinger: Lotta pressure on Bobert Griffin the Third. Fletcher Cox got all up in the backfield a bunch and had 2 QB hits, Cedric Thornton had a TFL and a pass defended. Slowed down a bit as the game went on but they were tired and it was garbage time it happens no worries good work boys. Also I don’t know anyone besides Cox and Thornton. But they did okay.
Grade: A-

CK: I liked it most when Fletcher Cox was like “no RG3 I will NOT help you up off the ground after smashing you into it this is the NEW Eagles defense not some crumball Jim Washburn widest ninest tribal art interpretation get your hand outta my face with that noise” (I am excellent at lip reading btw pretty much exactly what he said A++)

The Evster: People sure did get excited about that Mychal Kendricks fella, despite the fact that that is no way to spell a first name. Regardless, he’s probably the best football player I’ve ever seen and could easily transition himself into being a quality #2 Wide Receiver.
Grade: I dunno, A+?

Bobby BIg Wheel:  Loses points because Trent Cole is now a linebacker.  Man, screw THAT guy.
Grade: C

DG: Trent Cole went from being our best lineman to being our best linebacker. The lesson here is that we need at least two Trent Coles.
Grade: B

Going Hardinger: Some great work from these guys. Trent Cole showed he’s definitely not done yet, with a TFL, 2 QB hits, a forced fumble, and I think he killed a 5 point buck with a bow and arrow at the 8:26 mark of the 3rd quarter but I wasn’t 100% sure. Mychal Kendricks was a star, flying around the field for 10 tackles, a TFL, 2 QB hits, and a fumble recovery. He was so good it made me forget that he spells his name like a total doofus. DeMeco Ryans had 8 tackles and a sack too. Connor Barwin with a pass defense and a QB hit in his Eagles debut. Good stuff all around.
Grade: A+

The Evster: All that dude Cary Williams needed to get ready for the season was to get off one swift dome shot to Riley Coops. I suggest that this week in practice, all defensive backs take turns jabbing Riley Coops in the face and then setting his body on fire and throwing it into the Schuylkill River. If anyone can make this happen, it’s Chip Kelly.
Grade: A for the first half, Ding-Dong for the second.

Bobby Big Wheel:  Great games Nnamdi Awesome-wah and Dominique Rodgers-NotKevinKolb?  

Grade: Dream Team!

DG: It appears that every pass that is not intercepted this season will be a completion for 7+ yards. This could be somewhat problematic.
Grade: B-

Going Hardinger: In the preseason I called Cary Williams a “noted bowl of fart soup”, but Sconces came up big tonight. Sack, acrobatic INT, and 2 pass breakups. Bradley Fletcher had 7 tackles as a CB which seems pretty good I guess. Also it was nice watching a #24 not screw up 89 times a game for the first time since Sheldon Brown left. Brandon Boykin had 6 tackles, 2 pass breakups, and an INT. Unfortunately, all 3 of them left at various points with injuries and the depth behind them was HORRIBLE. Jordan Poyer showed why he was a 7th round pick. Seriously that dude just left a 10+ yard cushion every play and it was real bad. That guy probably couldn’t even cover me, and the highlight of my WR career was not getting separation in JV football from bad CBs and dejectedly jogging back to the bench afterwards or if I was lucky going to the huddle to block for a running play. If any of these guys are out for a while we’re kinda screwed. For safeties, 13 tackles between Pat Chung and Nate Allen and neither of them did anything noticeably bad until Chung just stopped backpedaling and jumped up and missed the ball in the end zone by a good 5 feet for a late Redskins TD but it didn’t matter cause we were up 2 TDs so it was cool. Weren’t noticeable for most of the game, which is a good thing.
Grade: CBs A-, Safeties B

Special Teams
Going Hardinger: Alex Henery made his FG and all his XPs despite looking like a huge nerd. Donnie Jones PINNED FOOLS inside the 10 repeatedly and was a weapon. Kick coverage was real solid. Good stuff. Shout out to Dave “Crazy Eyes” Fipp. Much better than Bobby April.
Grade: A

The Evster: This guy should just quit as coach right now. What an eccentric performance. Still has to lose the visor though.
Grade: A

Bobby Big Wheel: I hate the Eagles, but love anyone who makes Pete Prisco mad
Grade: Defend the Shield


Going Hardinger: CHIP KELLY FOREVER he rules seriously he went for it on 4th and 1 on his first drive and our offense was so fast it sorta felt like I was on drugs or maybe having a heart attack since I couldn’t really breathe but it was so fun I loved it. But on the real, I’m super excited about the Chip Kelly era. Going to be a LOT of fun. Billy Davis’s defense also looked good for like 2.5 quarters. We discussed Dave Fipp already.
Grade: A+++++++


Final Thoughts:
Going Hardinger: 1-0. San Diego, which is German for “how on God’s green earth is that turd in the punch bowl of a defense going to have any shot at stopping Charles Kelly’s offense?” next Sunday at 1PM EST. Can’t wait.

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