Monday, October 7, 2013

Eagles Week 5 Report Card (FIRST PLACE)



NICKFOLEON DYNAMITE

Quarterbacks
ZWR: RUNNING: Vickster gets an A. Birds went into PlayStation mode early on and he was killing it. PASSING: Nickfoleon Dynamite baby A did you see those moonballs love it gimme gimme gimme. MOTIVATING: Matt Barkley love what you brought today A+. STINKING: Eli Manning totally giving you an A darling thanks.

Danger Guerrero: Throwing for 500 yards and then throwing an interception with two minutes left is something you’d see in a movie titled The Tony Romo Story that critics around the world panned for being too on the nose. I legitimately feel bad for him at this point. I feel bad for a Cowboy. I don’t even know how to begin figuring out how I feel about that. I may need therapy. Nick Foles looked all right, I guess. Grade: B




The Evster: Wow, I thought the Eli Manning sad face was sad, but it pales in comparison to the Michael Vick sad face. Seeing little Mike sitting there on the little bench with his little pom-pom hat while rubbing his little hammy, I just wanted to curl up next to him and tell him how much I loved him. Then I’d tell him to pay attention to the friggin’ game because NICK FOLEZ MOVEZ DA CHAINZ BABY, ALL THE WAY TO HAMSTRING CITY. ALLLLL ABOARRRRDDDDDDD. ONE TICKET PLEASE. FIRST CLASS. I’LL RIDE WIT YOU ALL DAY, FOLEZY. MIEEEURRMMPPP MIEEERRMMMPPPP! (that’s my train sound) Grade: Honkers!

ZWR: Dude when we were in high school my buddy drove us to Wildwood in his mom’s Accord and put in the cassingle for Come on Ride the Train and it had like seven versions and we just listened the entire drive.



Going Hardinger: Vick had the running part of things down in the first half but not so much the throwing part. Foles had the throwing part of things down in the second half but not so much the running part. We need to fuse them together like some sort of QB Voltron for the rest of the season. Grade: Voltron

Bobby Big Wheel: BLAME IT ALL ON MY ROOTS, I SHOWED UP IN BOOTS, AND RUINED YOUR BLACK TIE AFFAIR
[drinks all the cheap beer in the bodega]

Going Hardinger: For someone who’s been fortunate enough to witness 2 of the luckiest Super Bowl championships for the team he roots for in the last 6 years, you’d think Bobby Big Wheel would be less of a crybaby dork about one bad season. Also I’d like to point out that BBW is the only member of this recap squadron who doesn’t follow me on Twitter. Even Danger followed me last week and he’s a big shot at Uproxxxxxxxxxxx and everything.

Danger Guerrero: Unfollow for mocking my employer.

ZWR: Hardingerer gets a A for calling BBW a “crybaby dork”.


Running Backs
ZWR: Shady always gets an A and Chris Polk (A) attacked the hole on that one play and Bryce Brown (A) didn’t fumble way to go guys.

Danger Guerrero: Ocean’s 14 should just be George Clooney hiring Lesean McCoy to steal a bunch of poker chips and then 90 minutes of security camera footage of Shady evading fat pit bosses all over the casino floor. Grade: Benny Hill

The Evster: Shady McCoy could eat an entire block of sharp New York cheddar cheese and barf all over himself on every play and he would still get an A foreverrrrrrrrrrrr!!! Grade: I just told you! A!

Getty Images




Going Hardinger: Brandon Jacobs was one of the best players for the Eagles today. SHADDYCLAPT as well. Grade: Good Enough


Bobby Big Wheel: THE LAST ONE TO KNOW, I WAS THE LAST ONE TO SHOW, THE LAST ONE YOU THOUGHT YOU’D SEE THERE
[the malt liquor too]

Receivers
ZWR: DESEAN JACKSON DID THE SALSA DANCE AND HAD 132 YARDS and Jesus Jazz Hands had a clutch grab and Celek had that silly catch and Riley Cooper didn’t cause any national debates so they get an …

wait for it …

wait for it…

wait for it…

wait for it…

A!!!!!!

SALSA DANCIN!!!

Danger Guerrero: The only way I could like Desean Jackson more is if he was even smaller. Like, picture a 4’6” guy who weighs 80 lbs and gets 10-15 taunting penalties a season. That’s my ideal NFL player. Grade: Tinyfast

The Evster: I love absolutely everything about DeSean Jax: his trash talking, his tight little butt, the fact that the Eagles never throw the ball anywhere near Riley Coops. I feel like he’d be a really fun guy to ride on a train with, too. Like, he’d just sit there staring out the window, fascinated by middle America, while occasionally turning around and saying stuff like, “Yo, do you see all those cows?!?!” and I’d just sit back and say, “Yeah I do, DeSean. Yeah I do,” while I made eyes at a couple of super-hot fat chicks sitting across the row. Grade: A+

Going Hardinger: The CEO of Jaccpot Records had a nice performance out there. Especially enjoyed the salsa after the TD. Finally coming around to the Evster’s point, Riley Coops does not need to be on this roster any longer. Also Victor Cruz can suck a butt looking for a flag after every incomplete pass. Also Marcus Vick tweeted we should sign TO so yeah the unit could use some upgrades. Grade: SwaggaJac

Bobby Big Wheel: THEN I SAW THE SURPRISE, AND THE FEAR IN HIS EYES, WHEN HE TOOK HIS GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE
[texts ex girlfriend saying he’s sorry for everything]

Offensive Line
ZWR: Beats me I’ve been drinking for hours Jason Peters punched Matthias Kiwifruita so I’m giving them an A!

Danger Guerrero: I vote we start lining up Jason Peters at QB for a play or two every game. It’ll be like the Wildcat, but bigger and meaner and more hilarious. We can call it the Rhino. I would be a terrible football coach. Grade: Kotite

The Evster: Offensive line, schmoffensive line, let’s talk snacks. Today I had some all-natural fresh popped Orville Redenbacher popcorn freshly popped in my Orville Redenbacher fresh air popped popper that my father-in-law got me after he realized I had high-blood pressure. Healthy, natural and so boring. So of course I loaded it up with butter and salt and shoveled it into my face and then had like four kinds of cheeses and some leftover lasagna and then I took a quick train ride to Sh*tsville, Montana, and missed almost the entire 3rd Quarter. Grade: B+

ZWR: Lasagna < baked ziti. Creamy vegetable lasagna = GTFO get out of my house you.



The Evster: AGREED ……….. RICOTTA CHEESE CAN SUCK ……… MY ……...WAIT FOR IT …..….. WAITTTTTTTTTTTT …….. FORRRRRR …… ITTTTTTTTTT ……. SAY IT WITH ME NOW, ZOO ……….

ZWR: BUTT!!!

The Evster: BUTT!!!



Going Hardinger: I had Ramen, slices of turkey because I ran out of bread, far too many Cheez-Its, and 2 handfuls of Doritos for my meals today. The struggle of a broke college student is real. As far as actual offensive line play goes, neither QB died. Good enough for me. Grade: We won so like B+?

Bobby Big Wheel: AND I TOASTED YOU, SAID HONEY WE MAY BE THROUGH, BUT YOU’LL NEVER HEAR ME COMPLAIN
[finds a way to make fun of DeSean Jackson’s dead grandma because turnabout is fair play]

Defensive Line
ZWR: If those dingbat refs call that safety and you factor in that Eli took like eleventeen intentional grounding calls and on that one play that guy (I assume a lineman) slapped him upside his big dumb head which led to an interception you come to an A!!!

Danger Guerrero: The best thing about Eli Manning forever and ever is the “But MOMMMMMMM” face he makes to no one in particular after he gets rushed into doing something silly with the ball. The D line gets an A for giving that to me multiple times.

The Evster: I have absolutely no idea what Bobby Big Wheel is talking about. Is he writing song lyrics? Am I supposed to know what song he’s singing? I can’t believe how much cheese I ate today. Grade: C

ZWR: Dude it’s that Garth Brooks song that people used to sing in college and would be all, “I like country” but that was the only song they knew and I’d be like “wait why does he wear blouses?” and they’d be all, “bro I don’t really like country” it always came on at parties after Blister in the Sun. Neither is as good as Linger #strongopinions




Going Hardinger: Was going to give them a D till they started putting pressure on ELOLi at the end of the game and forced him into 3 laughably terrible interceptions. Grade: B

Bobby Big Wheel: BECAUSE I’VE GOT FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES, WHERE THE WHISKEY DROWNS AND THE BEER CHASES
[calls dad crying]

 



Linebackers
ZWR: Definitely an A.

Danger Guerrero: One thing I love about Twitter is when celebrities start using a hashtag like two full days after everyone is tired of it. #AddaWordRuinaMovie? More like #WayToBeLateToTheGameYouJerks. Nailed it.

The Evster: That white guy seemed pretty proud of himself after he batted down that ball at the line of scrimmage. That’s nice for him. Grade: C

Going Hardinger: They were ok I guess? Kendricks had an INT. Grade: B-

Bobby Big Wheel: MY BLUES AWAY. BUT I’LL BE OKAY.
[is still crying when he goes to throw up, it feels really bad but kind of cathartic]


 


Defensive Backs
ZWR: LOLZ I’m not going to give them an A don’t worry. Grade: A-

Danger Guerrero: Sometimes I like to imagine a priceless vase flying through the air in a museum after a hilarious chain of events, and Nate Allen is the only person there to catch it. This scenario always end with the vase stuck on his head like he’s in a Tom & Jerry cartoon.

The Evster: Amazing interception by the Boinkinator. Seriously, that was a fantastic play. Still, lotta holes in that secondary. Grade: SWISS CHEESE (‘cuz of the holes!)

Going Hardinger: Still not very good but they did pick off a couple passes and get a win. Cary Williams is still a bowl of fart soup, regardless of the INT he had today. Grade: C+

Bobby Big Wheel: NOW I’M NOT BIG ON SOCIAL GRACES, THINK I’LL SLIP ON DOWN TO THE OASIS
[texts every girl he’s still on good terms with for a pity f***]

Going Hardinger: we can say f*** on here? I thought this was a family bolg.


ZWR: No you idiot.

Coaching
ZWR: I mean we won and the offense was HUMMING and the defense was BUZZING and the Henery was BOOTING so I mean I've got no choice here but to be honest and pencil in an A!!!

Danger Guerrero: I bet when Chip Kelly goes golfing he slips the caddy a $20 to hook him up with the fastest cart in the fleet.



The Evster: My wife is currently watching the Real Housewives of New Jerz instead of the Dallas-Denver game and absolutely EVERYONE is freaking out. Joe Gorga is wearing Diesel hat and a shirt that says “Italia.” This is a fascinating country we live in. Grade: HOLY SMOKES TONY ROMO IS GOING BONKERS PLEASE CHANGE THE CHANNEL LADY.

Going Hardinger: Chip Kelly offense 4 lyfe Grade: Chippahhhhhh

Bobby Big Wheel: BECAUSE I’VE GOT FRIENDS, IN LOW PLACES
[goes to karaoke, does sings Careless Whisper until he gets shot]

ZWR: Don't be sad Bobby that time Coughlin called a time-out and then immediately challenged a pretty inconclusive, limited reward play early in the second half was pretty awesome. So was his starched white dress shirt. Giants coaching grade: A

Special Teams
ZWR: ALEX. HENERY. A

Danger Guerrero: All kickers should be forced to change their last names to Gramatica.

The Evster: ROMO JUST THREW A RIDICULOUS INTERCEPTION TO LOSE DA GAME. OH WHAT A GLORIOUS NATION WE LIVE IN. LET’S ALL TAKE A TRAIN RIDE TO WISCONSIN! Grade: A!!!!!!

Going Hardinger: Alex Henery Ultimate Weapon! Grade: Randall Cunningham II



ZWR: You mean Ultimate Fighter, dorkbeak (RIP Craney)

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