Monday, October 14, 2013

Eagles Week 6 Report Card


Hey kids, Danger and Bobby can't make it this week but the former asked us to send this along:


Okay then let's get to it!



Quarterback
ZWR: Guys- how about Nick Foles?

The Evster: Love those moon balls from Foles. Reminds me of a young Jeff Blake. Do ZWR readers remember Jeff Blake? Who cares, I wanna talk about the baseball playoffs. Near no-hitters, Big Papi’s moon shot, and there’s a guy on the Tigers named Al Alburquerque. For real, that’s his name, Al Alburquerque. First name Al, last name Alburquerque. Al Alburquerque. I’m not making this up. Foles looked great by the way, very proud of him. Grade: A, obvs for Al Alburquerque

Going Hardinger: Folesanity! In picking between Foles and Vick for next week, it really comes down to whether you want the running game to be absurdly good but the passing game to be inconsistent or whether you want the passing game to be consistently good and the rushing game to be merely above-average. And how flippin’ funny was it when Torii Hunter went flying over the wall into the bullpen and that cop with the beard freaked the fudge out? And of course on a day when both Boston teams looked doomed Tom Brady throws a game-winning TD with 5 seconds left and the Red Sox come back from down 5-1 in the 8th to win. I hate Boston. Boston sucks. Grade: Nick Foles A+, Boston Z-

ZWR: LOOOOOVE the moon balls he gets an A.

Running Backs
ZWR: I might just remove this part from the report card because there’s no sense in grading Shady he always gets an A. Also, let’s just get this out there: everyone shut up about how he holds the ball (commonly described as “like a loaf of bread”). You know who holds it more conventionally? People who don’t have 871 yards in six games. That’s like complaining about Neverland Chef Boyardee holding his spoon backhanded while me makes you magic ravioli in Mermaid Lagoon wait what.



The Evster: It’s like, his parents had literally thousands of names to choose from, but they still went with Al. And it’s not like they didn’t know his last name was gonna be Alburquerque! You gotta see the back of his jersey, the Alburquerque part takes up the whole thing. What a fascinating world we live in. Shady gets an A forever. You know that. I like watching him hop around like a frog. Grade: A

Going Hardinger: Shady Bounce forever and ever seriously he rules. Even his fumbles look awesome and I don’t care how he holds the ball because he’s too busy breaking people’s ankles to fumble. On a side note though, watching Shady’s cuts (many on dimes) made me think about how when he hits the wall at like 31 or 32 or whatever, he’s really going to hit it. His rushing style is not conducive to losing a step or slowing down at all whatsoever. Bryce Brown didn’t fumble. Grade: A+++

Receivers
ZWR: Dude seriously DJACC is as hilarious as ever but he’s also catching touchdowns every week this rules. We probably should start recording all of these touchdown dances he’s been doing for a montage video. Jesus Jazz Hands, Damaris Johnson (more on him later) and Jeff Maehl even caught balls. Anyone I”m forgetting? Nope, I think that’s it. Grade: A

The Evster: And the thing is: I like the name Al. It’s a nice name! Al Gore. Al Jefferson. OJ Simpson’s buddy, “My name is AC god dammit! You know who I am!” Even Al Alberts. Very close to Al Alburquerque, but somehow much more acceptable. What a weird show Al Alberts put together. Were the kids even that cute? I remember it just being a bunch of little girls wearing tutus and singing songs that no human being would ever wanna hear. Like, Shirley Temple jawns. Still loved it, though. Not sure I ever actually watched it. Riley Cooper’s the worst. Grade: F


Going Hardinger: SwaggaJac went into 10 Mode yesterday and styled on the Bucs. And if you didn’t see it, Desean’s Instagram video was one of the best things ever.

The other best thing ever? Merrill Reese reading DJacc’s rap song “Diamonds on My Neck”. We can never forget that happened. We need M-Rizzle featured on every single Jaccpot Records song until he dies or the company goes bankrupt. Also, Riley Coops played really well much to Evan’s chagrin. Plus no one got MRSA from the Bucs CB who had it which is nice. My brother got MRSA once when he tripped and cut himself on a rock and fell into a muddy puddle at my 12th birthday party we were playing paintball it totally ruled even though it was pouring rain and gross. Grade: A+. Would have been an A++ without Riley Coops being racist and everything

Offensive Line
ZWR: I mean, on plays where the other team blitzes and there are like eight guys charging after Nick Foles how can you pick out who’s to blame? Is there anything specific in the rule book that outlaws Mr. Fuji salt? But Jason Kelce had that block and Jason Peters came back from his injury so they get a B.

The Evster: How ‘bout the beards on these Red Sox players? UNACCEPTABLE. One of the guys, Johnny Gomes (who has a totally acceptable name by the way, probably named after his great great grandfather, Jonathan, a proud and hardworking butcher), his is the worst. And then there’s that first baseman with the really light, fluffy beard. Hairs just sprouting out from his cheeks. Without a doubt the dirtiest, ugliest team in the history of baseball. Lotta nice screen passes from the Birds O-Line yesterday. Grade: B

Going Hardinger: The offensive line looks really good pretty often except for the standard 5-10 plays per game when they don’t block or even look at a guy who is blitzing and he usually does something that negatively impacts the Eagles. Not sure who to pin those on because I’m not an expert at all. At anything. Every week I think that’ll get better with time in the system and getting acclimated and such. We’ll see! Grade: B

ZWR: Once I was driving to Baltimore with my friends and Tra Thomas was in line next to us at the toll plaza and Joey yelled "TRA!" and he waved at us.



Defensive Line
ZWR: Dude it was gray all day yesterday. Rainy and gray. Also: if Mr. Fuji salt is technically legal these guys may need it more than the offensive line. Also also: Grading is complicated because isn’t everyone but the tackles considered “linebackers” in this butt system? Also also also: I’m surprised taquitos aren’t more popular. Blah. B-

The Evster: Don’t get me started on Jarrod Saltalamacchia (WHAT A RIDICULOUS THING TO NAME A CHILD) and his horrific haircut. Those curls? Ugh, and they’re always so wet. Why are curls always so wet? It’s like he went to the Hair Cuttery, got his hair washed by one of those ladies with the really long nails (AMAZING BY THE WAY) and then the lady was like, “So, what are we goin’ with today?” and Saltalamacchia was all, “Ummm, I wanna have the worst freaking haircut of all time,” and the lady was like, “So some curls?” and he was like, “Yeah, wet ones. Actually, I brought in a magazine that has a picture of what I’m goin’ for. There’s a hockey player who has the--” and the lady was like, “Scott Hartnell?” and he was like, “Yeah!” and she was all, “HE’S GOIN’ FOR THE HARTSY, FOLKS” and then she borrowed a curling iron from her co-worker Stacey and gave him the Hartsy. I know more players on the Flyers (like, three) than I do on the entire Eagles defensive line. That’s embarrassing. Grade: C



Going Hardinger: Evster you talk about trying to fit Albuquerque on the back of a jersey holy hell what about Saltalamacchia that last name should be punishable with death by firing squad. I feel like the Eagles defensive line should have been able to get more pressure on rookie Mike Glennon especially considering the Bucs’ best OL has been out all year with MRSA. But then again our scheme sucks and none of our players who are even remotely talented fit well into it at all so I guess it’s not that surprising. Smart football people who are smart say Cedric Thornton is really playing well in it this year though. Grade: C+

Linebackers
ZWR: zOMG did you see Demeco Ryans get juked out of his shoes by Vincent Jackson? Wait a second, why the hell was Demeco Ryans sticking Vincent Jackson??? Grade: New Defensive Coordinator Plz

The Evster: I did not see Demeco Ryans get juked, because quite frankly I fell asleep for almost the entire 2nd and 3rd Quarters. That’s part of the reason why I’m talking so much about baseball instead of the Eagles. Although I’m not really talking about baseball, am I? I’m just kinda talking about names and beards and lousy, disgusting haircuts. I have no idea why you keep including me on these recaps, Zoo, but I truly appreciate it. Grade: C

Going Hardinger: You know the guy on the Bucs #54 who wreaked havoc on the Eagles all day and spent like half the game in the backfield? That’s Lavonte David. He is a linebacker. He was drafted 12 picks after Mychal Kendricks in the 2nd round. Also fun: we gave up draft picks for Demeco Ryans because he would thrive in a 4-3 after struggling in the new 3-4 Houston transitioned to, then moved to a 3-4 one year after we traded for him. Kendricks and Ryans are both solid I guess but neither of them can cover a crossing route or slant at all. Billy Davis continues to use them to cover crossing routes and slants. Where does the blame lie? Don’t know, don’t care. FIRST PLACE Y’ALL. Grade: C

ZWR: Seriously taquitos rule.

Secondary
ZWR: There were some good-ish moments, but once again some guy you never heard of had a huge game running slants and crossing routes. Also, the Bucs QB was a giraffe. Grade: B

The Evster: At one point during the 3rd quarter, I looked around my living room and every single person I was watching the game with was asleep. My father-in-law was snoring like a mule, my brother-in-law had drool all over him and my wife was upstairs, in bed, actually napping -- like she made a conscious decision that the game was so boring that a nap on the couch wouldn’t suffice, she needed to go to sleep SLEEP. I did however wake up to see pretty much every touchdown scored by Vincent Jackson, though. The Eagles made that guy look like Randy Moss. Not literally. Randy Moss -- as dope as he was -- had a really dumb haircut back in the day. Kinda like a Bone Thugs and Harmony dangling braids thing goin’ on. Grade: D


Going Hardinger: Didn’t know whether to put this under LBs or DBs since he’s a tight end but oh my god who the hell is Tim Wright? Thanks to shoddy coverage we were treated to Rhonde Barber saying Tim Wright 7 times per minute for 3 hours. I almost had a stroke. Also Vincent Jackson had a huge game and again, shouldn’t they have been able to contain Mike Glennon a little better? Cary Williams is a bowl of fart soup. I like Bradley Fletcher though. Grade: C

Special Teams
ZWR: Let’s just get this out there: I love Damaris Johnson. Yesplx. Keep taking it out from nine yards deep. Keep catching punts at the ten yard line. Keep talking junk after getting tackled. All while you keep being 5’3, 137 lbs. YES YES YES. A+ The kick coverage: D. Stop stinking.

The Evster: I liked when they punted it inside the one-yard-line. Grade: A

Going Hardinger: Damaris Johnson is a bowl of New Orleans poop gumbo. There has to be a better option on punt and kick returns. If they make Nick Foles the starting QB, maybe Vick can do it? Also the kick coverage was stink again and the Cowboys return guy had a 90 yard kick return and an 86 yard punt return TD last night and we play them next week. Fix it. Donnie Jones pinned fools at like the 2 yard line again although we gave up a 90 yard drive. Grade: Fire Billy Davis and Dave Fipp

Coaching
ZWR: Do you read Bill Barnwell on Grantland? Lots of dorky stuff and the Freakonomicsy/Malcolm Gladwellian-esque “statistics and research actually show that it makes more sense to actually (something you wouldn’t think to do) than (what folks always used to do) and if you’re smart you’ll agree right now” that is everywhere anymore. At any rate, trying to draw a team offsides at the end there has to be in the wheelhouse of that thought process, and it was awesome when Chip did that on the last drive. BUT THE CHERRY ON TOP was the shotgun victory formation! That actually does make a lot of sense. I’d give him an A, but he has a wholly incompetent defensive coordinator and special teams coach so I guess I’ll drop that to a B.

The Evster: Chip Kelly runs the ball on 3rd and short. THAT’S GANGSTA. Jim Leyland would do the same thing. TERRY FRANCONA CAN SUCK MY BUTT ALWAYS AND FOREVER. Grade: B

Going Hardinger: Chip Kelly Rulez. First place. Also please don’t lose next week because I’m behind enemy lines down here and I don’t want to deal with the insufferable people here (read: my roommate) if the Cowboys win. Fire Billy Davis and Dave Fipp. Grade: A

POSTSCRIPT

Craney sent this:


3 comments:

  1. Needs more Craney. Miss you, boo.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I FIND THIS TO BE A RUDE AND INSULTING COMMENT, BUT ULTIMATELY AGREE WITH YOU

      Delete
  2. RYE-LEEEE COOO-PURRR!!!

    ReplyDelete

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