Monday, October 21, 2013

Eagles Week 7 Report Card: Introducing Randy Touchdown and Jamewas Winston


Man that game was awesome, eh? Let's just get right to it fargle bargle.

Quarterback
ZWR: If Jeff Kemp, Brad Goebel, Pat Ryan, Mike McMahon, Rodney Peete, Doug Pederson, and Ty Detmer had a sevensome and made an awful quarterback baby that thing would have done better than Nick Foles against the Cowboys. Grade: Worse than the spawn of the sevensome.




Going Hardinger: Zoo stole my plan to name-drop Mike McMahon. Nick Foles ripped 11 shots of Baccaardi 151 rum in the locker room before the game and then wandered aimlessly around the pocket for 3 quarters, alternating between throwing horrendous incompletions to open receivers and taking sacks. And after all that, Matt Barkley managed to throw 3 INTs in one quarter. Grade: Dying A Slow and Painful Death

The Evster: I went to the game today and sat directly in front of a Cowboys fan. Every time Dallas got the ball, he would yell (pretty much right into my eardrum), “It’s time for the Tony Romo Show! WOO!” Turns out, the Tony Romo Show is really, really, really boring, but still not nearly as boring as both the Nick Foles-o Show and Antiques Roadshow (by far the most boring/secretly exciting show in television history). Last week I saw a lady bring in a shoe that was shaped like a horse. It got appraised for like 20 bucks. The lady was so sad. Grade: F, even though I thought Matt Barkley looked kinda decent?

ZWR: No he sucks too go screw.

DG: I would not be opposed to kidnapping Jameis Winston, slapping a fake mustache on him, changing his name to Randy Touchdown, and inserting him as our starting quarterback next week. We’ll have to pay him some hush money and give him a mysterious backstory (one possibility: he was an Eskimo who got lost dog-sledding and somehow ended up at the NovaCare complex, at which point we tried him out and signed him), but it’s our only hope at this point. You say it’s desperate. I say it’s inspired.

Bobby Big Wheel: Awwwww yeah another fat Philly athlete named Barkley. Can’t wait!



Running Back
ZWR: I made a f***ing black bean burger for lunch before the game. That would have been a good decision if life wasn’t painfully short and followed by eternal nothingness. Grade: F*** everything.

Going Hardinger: Running game was nonexistent, and I don’t know whether to blame Shady or the offensive line. I’m inclined to blame the line because I love Shady, but who knows? I had Cheez-Its for lunch today. Grade: Drinking Bleach

The Evster: I went to a tailgate of a friend of a friend’s and they cooked up Turkey Burgers Benedict: turkey burgs with Canadian bacon, hollandaise sauce and POACHED EGGS. I had three of them and did NOT sh*t my pants. Grade: A

DG: Okay, fine. Maybe nobody will buy that Eskimo story. We can come up with a different one. How bout … um … how aboooout… I GOT IT! What if … and just hear me out before you say no … what if we tell everyone it’s Jameis Winston’s older brother, Jamewas?

ZWR: #NAILEDIT

Bobby Big Wheel: Did you guys know that Andy Reid is 7-0? And that he’s running Jamaal Charles a lot? Go figure.

Receivers
ZWR: Whatever who cares beats me how could you tell? Grade: Dunno.

Going Hardinger: Guys seemed like they were open a few times but when your quarterback(s) play(s) like a drunk Walter White, Jr. it doesn’t really matter. Seriously, how is it possible to throw the ball 29 times and only gain 80 yards? Grade: WHOO CARREEZZZZ

The Evster: The view from my seats was so poor that I couldn’t tell what the hell was going on the entire game. Every run looked like a 7 yard gain. I did however have a nice view of the wide receivers, and it was pretty clear that Desean Jax checked out midway through the second quarter. Pretty impressive considering I checked out roughly one and half quarters before he did, partially because Nick Foles stunk, but mostly because this chick was sitting three seats away from me. Grade: Please don’t tell my wife.

ohmygod Evan you weirdo

DG: You know, because “was” is the past tense of “is,” which means he’d be older, and therefore eligible to play in the NFL. I think that should fool the Philly media at least long enough to get him suited up for a game or two.

Bobby Big Wheel: Did you know that Avant is French for “before”? Really makes you think.

Offensive Line
ZWR: I just blew up Todd Herremans. Also, my buddy Myers ran him over getting to the sandwich-ordering kiosk at Wa Wa. And Evan plowed him on the way to this Google Doc. Grade: Imagine if Ware played.

Going Hardinger: The Cowboys were missing their best 3 pass rushers in Ware, Anthony Spencer, and Jay Ratliff and they still had like 2 guys in the backfield on every pass play. And when they did give Foles time, he made an awful throw. Grade: No seriously imagine if Ware had played.

The Evster: You shoulda seen the look on that girl’s face when we locked eyes while I was sucking Chickie’s and Pete’s cheese sauce off my fingers. Grade: Deeee-licious.

ZWR: Oh good lord she was probably thinking, “Ewww that fat old guy is a creeper.”

DG: I mean, I was really attached to the idea of a magical Eskimo quarterback named Randy Touchdown who was actually a 19-year-old football wunderkind in a fake mustache, but I’m willing to compromise.

ZWR: I love you, Danger.

Bobby Big Wheel: The Eagles and Giants offensive lines should have a tug of war. Nobody would win.

Defensive Line
ZWR: Your mom. Every team in Philadelphia sucks.

Going Hardinger: The last time a Philadelphia sports team was more than 3 games over .500 was May 26, 2012 when the Sixers lost Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals to the Boston Celtics. Every Philadelphia sports team is absolutely horrid. Grade: Why do I do this to myself?

The Evster: Other people of note in section 134: this old-ass lady in a Michael Vick jersey who was SO aware of breast cancer.



And this dude in an old #9 jersey who kept standing up and announcing, “It’s not Jimmy Mac! It’s a Nick Foles throwback!”



I threw a french fry at him.

JK I didn’t.

But I wanted to.

Grade: What position are we talking about?

DG: Nope. Changed my mind. Not going to compromise. We go with the Randy-Touchdown-Eskimo-fake-mustache story or the deal’s off and I’m walking right out that door.

Bobby Big Wheel: Hey guys, I met a girl this weekend who likes Drake but not Kanye. Isn’t that weird? I’m worried she has bad taste. Especially since she might be interested in me.

ZWR: I met a girl yesterday, too. Her name is Despair. /cues Fiona Apple playlist

Linebackers
ZWR: DeMeco Ryans had a sweet pick also he’s the only linebacker on this roster anyone knows exists. That’s not fair there’s also Kendricks I think but to be honest no idea who the other guy is AND DON’T SAY Trent Cole dude he’s a defensive lineman.

Going Hardinger: DeMeco Ryans made the only positive play of the game for the Eagles. Good for him. Also I made a bet with my roommate the day before the game and now I have to wear a Cowboys jacket around campus all day tomorrow. Grade: Ryans C+, everyone else including me and my life F+

The Evster: Every time the Cowboys had a third down opportunity, the stupid scoreboard operator would put on that “MAKE NOISE” sign and force everyone to stand up and yell like lunatics. It never worked. They Cowboys converted every time. He should’ve just put on a “eat cheese fries” sign ‘cuz that’s just what I was going to do anyway. Grade: D

DG: FINE. But don’t come crawling back to me when Michael Vick gets injured in the first quarter next week and Nick Foles and Matt Barkley get picked up by the TV cameras playing a best-of-seven Rock, Paper, Scissors game to see which one of them has to go out there again. I can take this idea to anybody. Don’t act like I don’t have the Jaguars number in my phone.

Bobby Big Wheel: On the plus side, she has really nice boobs though.

Secondary
ZWR: They actually weren’t that bad on Sunday it’s a shame we started a bowl of cranberry sauce at quarterback.



Going Hardinger: The fact that the Eagles are still BY FAR the best hope for Philadelphia fans makes me want to drink battery acid. Let’s review:

Eagles: No quarterback, no defense, but CHIP KELLY and Lesean McCoy and Desean Jackson so maybe idk.

Flyers: Best player and captain recently signed to an 8-year extension invisible, coach fired after 3 games, once-promising young players failing to develop, rest of team old and overpaid, spending OVER THE SALARY CAP to have a 1-7 record with 11 goals scored through 8 games. Run by Ed “We don’t need a culture change” Snider.

Sixers: Have a very legitimate chance to set the record for least wins or lowest winning percentage in an NBA season. Also clearly the 2nd-most promising team in Philadelphia because of Sam Hinkie. Says more about the other teams than it does about them.

Phillies: Ryan Howard’s contract. Ruben Amaro, Jr. 3 legitimately good hitters on the team. A slow descent from the top of the mountain to the cellar expedited by the depletion of the farm system and the incompetent GM’s inability to embrace any sort of advanced statistics.

Grade: I actually killed myself about halfway through the Flyers section of that last post so I am a ghost typing this right now.

The Evster: One of the guys made a nice play once. Grade: B+

DG: All right. Have it your way, I guess.

Bobby Big Wheel: BRING BACK RENO MAHE (what, he was a running back? don’t care).

ZWR: Hey Hardingererer how are the Soul Wings doing? Do we even have indoor soccer anymore?

Special Teams
ZWR: Tried a 60 yarder. Yup.

Going Hardinger: Alex Henery very narrowly made a 31-yard field goal and he still looks like a huge dork. Grade: F+

The Evster: YOU CAN’T DENY THOSE THREE POINTS, THOUGH. COME ON PRETTY MAMA WON’T YOU DO THE CONGA. Grade: A+

Bobby Big Wheel: WHAT HAVE YOU PEOPLE DONE TO CHIP KELLY?

Misc.
Going Hardinger: Chip Kelly coached a bad game today I thought. 9 straight losses at the Linc. Put up 3 points in a game at home against our biggest rivals that was for first place in the division. I’m sick.

ZWR: Yo the Linc sucks it’s not loud and it smells nice and the people are all dorks and we never win there. I mean, take Evan for instance. Can you imagine what would have happened to him the second he walked into the Vet? Yup- punched right in his big dumb cheese-dripping face. And I love the environment and all and this makes no sense but the stupid environmental stuff annoys me when we lose, so go screw, the earth.

The Evster: “Misc.” stands for miscellaneous!

DG: “Welcome to Sportscenter, I’m Scott Van Pelt. We have lots to get to today, but we have to start with one of the craziest stories I -- or any of us -- have ever seen. A mustachioed Eskimo named Randy Touchdown wandered onto the Jaguars practice field yesterday afternoon, on a dog sled of all things, and after giving him a quick workout and physical, head coach Gus Bradley has named him the starting quarterback for this week’s game against the 49ers. I … I … it’s just wild. We go now to Jaws for analysis. Jaws … what’s your take?”

Bobby Big Wheel: Hey, at least you’re not the Giants.


1 comment:

  1. Can we get some photoshops with "the angry booing eagles fan" from last year? This game deserves him giving the thumbs down....big time.

    ReplyDelete

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