Friday, October 4, 2013

Roy Halladay and Ruben Amaro Negotiate Roy's New Contract





[Interior - Ruben Amaro Jr’s office. He stares confusedly at a computer screen with two browser windows open. One has Dora the Explorer’s Nick Jr. games page up, the other a chart of Michael Young, Mike Adams, Delmon Young, and Chad Durbin’s advanced statistical outputs]

Wait, is negative good? F***ing math...



“Mr. Halladay is here.”

Swiper no swi… uhm, thanks. Send him in, but give me a second.

[hastily dumps liquor bottle back in desk drawer]


Roy! Thanks for coming in this morning to talk!



How are things going? How’s the arm feeling?!



What’s the family up to? I bet missus H is ready for a little vacation, right?! I know I am!  


Aaaaaanyway…


Look, um. Before we start, I just wanted you to know what you’ve meant to this organization, and regardless of the outcome this offseas--



Okay, okay...I get it--let’s just get down to business.




We’re prepared to offer you a single yea--



…a multi-year deal with heavy incenti--


...like I was saying, a multi-year, lucrative deal similar to those being received by other back of the rotati--


[tugs on collar]
Wow, is it hot in here or what. Scratch that. You know what, I’m sorry, I don’t know what got into me, or what I was thinking.

Like I’ve been telling Frocker all season, a top of the line, multi-year, lucrative deal appropriate for a future Hall of Fame ace of your caliber. Something along the lines of 3 years--


--4 years, and--


Five?
Okay, okay. Please just stop staring at me.


Five years, something in the neighborhood of fifty--


Please, will you at least just say something?

Five years, fifty mill--


JESUS, FINE.
Fine.
Five years, one hundred million.
No, forget it.
Five years, ONE HUNDRED AND TEN MILLION.


Okay, do we have a deal?

I mean Jesus Christmas, Monty is gonna string me up by my balls and spank me with his UPenn frat paddle for this, but can we at least finally be done here? I get it, you love money, and you’re the best. Ever. You’re the best ever and you love--


Oh God, what? What did I say? You have all the money, what else could you possibly want--


?????


What… charity?

You want some of it to go to charity? Okay, fine. We’ll do the boilerplate “5% of this guy’s huge ridiculous contract is going to help blah blah bl--”


More??? What, like 20%?


Fifty? You want FIFTY PERCENT of your contract to go to charit--


More?!!! You can’t possibly be seriou--


WILL YOU STOP IT? PLEASE.

FINE. WHATEVER. I DON’T CARE. ALL OF YOUR CONTRACT AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED CAN GO TO CHARITY, SEE IF I CARE.

(mumbles under his breath) Thank God we at least have the huge new TV deal coming in…


Oh you can’t even.

No.

Just--

My god. Roy...

[takes a deep sigh, produces a bottle of Scotch from his desk drawer, unscrews cap]

**GLUG GLUG**

**GLUG GLUG**

**GLUGGGG**

I’m so getting fired for this.

Fine, 10% of the new TV contract, all to your favorite charities as well.  

Do we have a deal?

[STARES for 15 seconds, before finally nodding]

**stands up silently, leaves room**

**door closes behind him**


**GLUG GLUG**

What… what have I just done?

**GLUG GLUG**

[bottle now empty]

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