Monday, November 11, 2013

Eagles Week 10 Report Card (FIRST PLACE Edition)


Quarterback
ZWR: First off, happy Veterans Day everyone! Thanks to all of our veterans for being way more brave and selfless than I could ever be. No joke, I didn’t even try to help the guys in my “troop” when I played paintball that one time in college. So big ups.

Also, love you Veterans Stadium! Bro, too many memories to state. TOO. MANY. MEMORIES.




Okay on to Nick Foles. Is it a good sign that he didn’t even feel like he was playing all that well and hung three TDs on those fools? I think it might be? Frankly, I’m confused. Well, more than normal. I’m going with “yes, that’s a great sign!” GRADE: A-

The Evster: I find it absolutely mind-boggling that people join the military and spend their days trying not to get their brains smashed open while I sit on a couch with my flabby tits watching Nick Foles throw BOMBERS to racist wide receivers. Then again, I had to deal with my wife buying lowfat mayonnaise this week so I guess it’s a toss-up. Grade: B+

Going Hardinger: For real. I’ve got a few friends going to West Point/Annapolis for college and I can’t imagine doing what they’re doing. Props to them. As for Nick Foles: the numbers don’t lie, but I can’t help but feel like that was the least impressive 67% completion percentage, 3 TD, 0 INT, 140+ passer rating performance I’ve ever watched. Still though, I’ll take that over the Matt Barkley Experience that we were lucky enough to be treated to against the Giants and Cowboys. Grade: A

DG: [Nick Foles drops back to pass and counts to three] [Nick Foles throws the ball as high and far as he can] [Through a combination of luck and sorcery, the ball lands gently in an Eagles receiver’s hands] [The Eagles receiver dances] [All rejoice] Grade: B+

Running Backs
ZWR: LeSean William Jason “Shady” McCoy is the best football player in the history of earth. He made a move on a would-be tackler that made me fall off my couch. I was literally laid out on the floor clasping my buffalo chicken sandwich when the Nag came home from AC Moore with a bag of plastic flowers and seasonal ornamentation and the only response I could offer to her inquiries was a muted, breathy, “SHADY”. Grade: A

The Evster: I sort of feel like Charlie Garner was a litttttttle bit better than Shady. Grade: Still, A forever



Going Hardinger: For reals Shady rules 25 carries 155 yards and eleventy times he made my heart all a-flutter. Great stuff. Also how about that last drive where they just kept running it? 15 plays 70 yards 9:32 TOP end of game. My dad watches a lot of football and said he’s never seen an Eagles drive like that. But he also went to the Justin Timberlake concert last night, so take that with a grain of salt. Either way, Shady rules and Bryce Brown didn’t fumble. Grade: A

DG: I feel like some fledging Philadelphia rapper should record a clean, radio-friendly track about LeSean McCoy, and how hard he is to tackle. WIP could play it every 15-20 minutes for the rest of the season. This would have happened already if it was 1988. Grade: A

Receivers
ZWR: Desean Henry Christopher “Jaccpot” Jackson is the second best football player in the history of earth. Didn’t you get excited after he caught that moonball and stopped just before the goal line to look back at the defenders? There was no telling what he- at 5’3”, 138 lbs- was going to do. I mean, I was kind of hoping he’d try a backflip and fumble before breaking the plane that still would have been worth it in case you can’t tell I’m very much into sportsmanship. Also glad we didn’t listen to the Evster about Riley Cooper (though I kind of get why he wanted him gone with the racism thing and all). Also also don’t think I forgot about that third quarter DOUBLE JESUS JAZZ HANDS. Grade: So much A.

The Evster: Let me make something clear: it isn’t so much Riley Cooper’s racism that I have a problem with as it is his haircut. I’m fine with racism. Some of our finest Americans have been racists: Thomas Jefferson, Vidal Sassoon, my next door neighbor’s dog, Marvin. But that haircut, ugh. The way Riley tilts his head back when he puts on his helmet and flutters his stupid locks in the breeze… it’s an insult to the fine men (AND EVEN FINER WOMEN) who serve our country (with proper haircuts) EVERY SINGLE DAY. It’s also an insult to Johnny Unitas’s flattop and to Vidal Sassoon’s ultra gay lifestyle. Also the ball totally hit the ground on Riley’s first TD catch. Grade: Desean A, Riley F, Marvin F (he never shuts up)

Going Hardinger: Desean “Swagga Jac” “10 Mode” Jackson, Owner/CEO of Jaccpot Records isn’t the hero Philadelphia deserves (he’s too perfect for that), but he’s the hero we need. Riley Cooper, he of the questionable moral code and unquestionably terrible haircut, is the hero Philadelphia doesn’t need but does deserve. Grade: A

DG: I can’t believe there hasn’t been some doofus columnist or morning zoo DJ making waves about the fact that Riley Cooper’s stats are much better with Foles at quarterback, and using that information to jump straight to either “RILEY COOPER ONLY PLAYS HARD FOR THE WHITE QUARTERBACK” or “IS MICHAEL VICK PUNISHING RILEY COOPER ON THE FIELD FOR HIS RACIST OFFSEASON COMMENTS?” Don’t get me wrong, I’m ecstatic this hasn’t happened. Just surprised. Because everyone is the worst, usually.


Offensive Line
ZWR: Remember that time Jason Peters got hurt and then came back in and got hurt again and the trainers had to help him off the field? Can you imagine being the trainer they ask to post up under Jason Peters’ armpit and hoist him to the sideline? No thank you I’m busy taping Alex Henery’s ankle good luck guys.

The Evster: How ‘bout Richie Incognito wearing a blue buttondown shirt from Jos. A. Bank for his interview with Jay Glazer? Was that supposed to make me believe that he’s a nice person? I didn’t actually see the interview, nor have I ever been to a Jos. A. Bank (that’s a lie), but I know better than to trust a white person in a button down shirt. Grade: Eagles Line B, Incognito F, Jos. A. Bank when they offer “Buy 1 Suit Get 18 Free”: C+

Going Hardinger: Nick Foles didn’t die which meant we didn’t see Matt Barkley and Shady bounced through huge holes all afternoon. Serviceable. Grade: B

DG: I heard King Dunlap’s name yesterday while I was watching a different game and I had like 60% of a panic attack. Grade: B+

Defensive Line
ZWR: That buffalo chicken sandwich I made was legit, guys. I dusted the boneless breast tenderloins in some flour and threw them in a pan with rice bran oil. Perfect golden brown. Then I tossed them in the sauce and spread my homemade blue cheese sauce (blue cheese melted in the microwave with a little milk to liquefy it some) on the roll OH MY GOODNESS I can eat it every day I’d be so fat but for football yes please. I like Vinny Curry and that Logan guy seems good, too. Grade: B
Question: Is it “blue” cheese or “bleu” cheese?



The Evster: Reggie White, Jerome Brown, Clyde Simmies, names I will remember until the day I die. Yet I still cannot name one player on this current defensive line nor will I make an effort to learn their names if they keep putting up despicable performances like they did yesterday. These boneheads had an opportunity to knock out a second string quarterback and force the Packers to find an emergency quarterback (BECAUSE IT WOULD’VE BEEN AN EMERGENCY) and yet they blew it. Or should I say, they bleu it! If the Eagles defensive line had simply smashed that guy’s brain open, the Packers would have had to put in their blockhead fullback whose biceps are so huge that he couldn’t possibly throw a football more than five yards. That would’ve been amazing. The Eagles should’ve really gone for it -- blitzed 11 guys on every play, or blitzed 13 guys while taking the “too many men on the field penalty”. Honestly, how hard is it to smash a guy’s brain open? It literally happens all the time. This unit is a joke. Grade: F forever. Yeah, I said it!

Going Hardinger: Vinny Curry had a sack then hugged the ref which was cool then someone tweeted that he’s played 19% of the Eagles’ defensive stats and leads them in sacks with 4. I was not sure how to feel about that. Also that dorkbeak Tolzein sure had a lot of time in the pocket considering he’s a dorkbeak and the Packers have a crappy line. Also it’s been so long since I’ve had buffalo wings I’m drooling right now. Buffalo chicken sandwich from Subway isn’t a proper substitute. I ate Skittles for lunch yesterday. Grade: B-

DG: I only eat bleu cheese sauce/dressing in wings-dipping form. I think it’s weird. Salad dressing shouldn’t be lumpy. You’ll never convince me otherwise.

DeMeco Ryans
ZWR: Dude he’s good, yo. I was expecting another Levon Kirkland/Takeo Spikes one year kind of okay but not too great anymore thing but he’s the real deal. Grade: A

The Evster: If he’s so good why didn’t he smash that quarterback’s brain?! Grade: F

Going Hardinger: DeMeco Ryans might be the truth. Might be. You don’t call someone “the truth” lightly. I need a big week out of him against Washington before I’m ready to bestow that upon him. In other LB news: hope Mychal Kendricks is ok, but Najeh Goode looked pretty...competent (lol you thought I was gonnna say good there lol) out there. Grade: Mec Daddy A+, other LBs C+

DG: Motion to change his name to “Ryan Demecos”.

ZWR: I prefer "Of Meco Ryans".

Secondary
ZWR: Carey Williams was bending a lot, but never broke. I guess that was smart. But I mean the Packers were playing Todd Zolecki at quarterback after Seneca Wallace blew up his groin trying to pivot to throw and he was throwing with his eyes closed so it’s kind of hard to tell. Grade: Pass

The Evster: Think about how excited you get in one of those rain delayed blowouts when a baseball team puts in their second string third baseman to pitch to two batters in the bottom of the 8th. It’s exhilarating! Every pitch is an adventure. THE EAGLES HAD A CHANCE TO PLAY AGAINST A TEAM WITH 275-POUND FULLBACK AT QUARTERBACK. But they bleu it!!!!!!!!!!! Grade: F

Photo Credit: Me!

Going Hardinger: Brandon “B Eazy” Boykin is a really nice 3rd corner. The Eagles just gotta work on finding the other 2 this offseason. Cary Williams: still a bowl of fart soup. The Nate Allen reunion tour is also a little disconcerting, I’m still waiting for him to make a game-changing mistake. Grade: C+

ZWR: Dude I don't think that Fletcher guy is too bad for a cheap second corner. #analysis

DG: I keep getting Earl Wolff mixed up with Garrett Wolfe, the tiny running back who played for the Bears, and it confuses me so much. Might not hurt to try him out, though.

Special Teams
ZWR: How about that Alex Henery? SO MUCH BETTER than the other team’s kicker yesterday. And my apologies to Colt Anderson, who I chastised for trying to field a punt on the two yard line but he was totally right because it was a free play my bust Colt. Grade: A+++

The Evster: I think football would be better if you were only allowed to have 28 guys on your roster and coaches and GMs had to decide whether or not it was worth it to carry a kicker. Think about it, if teams didn’t carry a kicker, they’d be more apt to go for it on 4th down and when they did kick, it’d be some humongous meathead who would do the kicking. Basically what I’m getting at here is that all I want to see in the world of sports is people playing out of position while I eat a sandwich smothered in regular non-low-fat mayonnaise. Grade: F

ZWR: Remember that time Mark Simoneau tried to kick an extra point?

Going Hardinger: I don’t trust Alex Henery. Grade: D

DG: I refuse to take Alex Henery seriously until he drops the unnecessary E in his last name. I mean, hogging unneeded letters? In this economy? For shame.

Coaching
ZWR: Pat Shurmur has some explaining to do. I mean, the donkey catch where he landed out of bounds was as clear as clear can be and FOX showed like nineteen definitive replays and the Packers doofbot quarterback didn’t even try to hurry things up and called like nine audibles and shifted the formations almost like he was daring us to throw the challenge flag and it was nothing but MERP DERP from our genius, analytic, encrypted efficiency-based, biorhythmicity-synergized coach’s box. Then it happened again with the fumble maybe they just forgot to pack their flag? Grade: Wake up, dummy. Grade for Chip (whom I love): A+++

BONUS FROM DAN MCQUADE: Chip running steps!


The Evster: For the record I fell asleep during the entire 3rd Quarter yesterday. Grade: A+

DG: You can’t say “Pat Shurmur” without sounding drunk. I bet he has to do a field sobriety test every time he gets pulled over, just from trying to tell the cop his name.

Going Hardinger: For reals Pat Shurmur what was that? That was during the portion of the game when I thought we were going to lose to Scott Tolzein and it was very upsetting. Also: how crazy is it to see an Eagles game where they ran the ball 37 times and passed it 18? Chip rules. Andy Reid is rolling over in his gra--what’s that? He’s 9-0 in Kansas City? Huh. Hadn’t heard anything about that yet this year. Anyway, Chip seriously rules a lot. Go Birds. Grade: A-

4 comments:

  1. hey zwr, you fell off. youre gay now.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Evster: "Humongous meathead who would do the kicking"? I'm pretty sure Oakland's Janikowski fits the bill. He used his 6'1", 258 lb meathead strength to plow a 53-yarder against us last week.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. IMAGINE HOW AMAZING IT WOULD BE TO SEE HIM ALSO PLAY LINEBORKERRRRRRRRRR

      Delete
  3. Imagine how much better that chicken sandwich would be if you used tasty ranch instead of nasty blue cheese. Seriously people eating blue cheese instead of ranch with wings is like eating a hot dog with mayo instead of mustard. Its bad and you should feel bad for doing it.

    ReplyDelete

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