Monday, November 18, 2013

Eagles Week 11 Report Card


Editor's Note: Hi everyone Danger Guerrero cannot join us this week but he did send this video along as his contribution it's pretty great.


Quarterback
ZWR: I don’t want to be hyperbolic here, but Nick Foles is a straight up legit dopesauce bona-fide stud starter yo and that has nothing to do with the amazeballs make-your-own six pack I made at Wegman’s this morning and drank during the game. No, it’s all due to his performance. HEY SPEAKING OF WEGMAN’S, I refuse to go after 9am. We got there today at eight because WAH2.0 got up at 5:45 and the WAH was up at like 7 and it’s so much easier that time of day I mean if you go at 11 you’ve got a gaggle of yoga pants soccer moms just standing there in front of the yogurt (They're not yogurt pants!) as if nobody else needs to shop and you just want to shoot yourself in the face with a face-shooting gun MOVE IT BECKY this isn’t a social club it’s a grocery store grab some Chobani and get to stepping. GRADE: A





The Evster: A little disappointed we only got to see one majestic moon ball from Folesy (whatever Riley Coops, stop complaining about pass interference and just get a haircut already), but overall I was pretty pleased with the greatest quarterback to ever play this game. Grade: A

Going Hardinger: There are 2 QB performances we need to discuss today. One was Nick Foles aka Nickfolean Dynamite aka Folesanity aka Nick BROles doing damage with his arms and his legs in commanding the Eagles to sole possession of 1st place in the NFC East. Good stuff. The other performance we need to analyze is mine. I participated in the Southwest Airlines QB Challenge on the field at the end of the Texas-Oklahoma State game on Saturday. I had to put on a jersey and helmet and then throw a bunch of Nerf footballs through a target to win free plane tickets. I was awful at it, but I still tied and won a free plane ticket. It was a good day. Grades: Foles: A- Me: B-

Running Back
ZWR: I pooped myself when Shady got hurt thank goodness he’s okay I mean he’s really the best ever. GRADE: PHEW

The Evster: Doesn’t matter. Grade: A forever

Going Hardinger: Good lord my heart stopped beating when Shady was hurt. Also Shady rules forever and ever he made Ryan Kerrigan look like a dork that one time and scored two touchdowns. Also also, this:



Receivers
ZWR: Jeff Maehl and Jason Avant only combined for five yards, but the rest of the receiving crew stepped up and filled the void. Can you imagine if Jeremy Maclin was healthy? We’d score even more football points!

The Evster: I was so, so, so happy when Riley Coops caught that pass at the goal line and was pleading for the coaches to challenge it, but instead they just hurried up to the line of scrimm and gave it to Shady for the tuddski. Grade: F

ZWR: I have Shady on my fantasy team so I was happy about that too!

Going Hardinger: The WRs and TEs were decidedly OK yesterday and it was good enough. Win. Grade: B

Offensive Line
ZWR: I was kind of hoping Jason Peters would eat someone today. Like pull Brian Orakpo’s arm off and then take some Chick-fil-A Polynesian sauce from his pocket and dip Brian Orakpo’s arm in it and then eat it right there at the line of scrimmage. Grade: YUM

Going Hardinger: I’ve been eating so much Chick-fil-A since I got down here and while I don’t support homophobia by any stretch of the imagination their chicken sandwiches and waffle fries are hella good. Also the offensive line was good today too. Grade: A-

The Evster: My wife and I got free tickets to see that bozo Kanye West on Saturday night and lemme tell you, it was just as ridiculous as you might imagine. For the entire concert, Kanye performed while wearing a diamond-studded mask and at one point sang a song while laying flat on his back on top of a mountain. Later, some sort of wildebeest chased him down the mountain and then my wife turned to me and said, “We gotta get outta here,” so we went to Tony Luke’s and got chicken cutlets.



In other news, I just read this report on ESPN.com that Redskins’ offensive lineman Trent Williams claims that one of the officials yesterday called him a “garbage-ass, disrespectful, motherf-----.” Grade: A FOREVERRRRRR!!!

Going Hardinger: Kanye rules shut up you big dork you’re old and don’t understand society I’m so mad I’m missing him on this concert tour.

Defensive Line
ZWR: Dude our defense was awesome Fletcher Cox and Bennie Logan and Trent Cole and Connor Barwin were great wait are those last two linebackers I don’t know how these formations work I think they may technically be linebackers but come on man they’re linemen and they will be graded as such and that grade is an A.

The Evster: These guys played really, really, really well, and after sacking Robert Griffith III a bunch of times I’m happy to announce that I finally learned some of their names. Felix Cox is my BOY. Grade: A

Going Hardinger: Fletcher Cox took Robert Griffin III’s mother Jacqueline Griffin out to a nice seafood dinner and NEVER called her again. Grade: A

Linebackers
ZWR: NAJEEEEEEE GOOOOOOOOOODE UP IN THIS PIECE GRADE: A

The Evster: Connor Baldwin sure does get his hands on a lotta balls. Grade: B

ZWR: Srsly?

Going Hardinger: I think Trent Cole is still technically a linebacker and he had a good game. So did Connor Barwin. DeMeco Ryans was stellar as usual and Najeh Goode looked pretty...good out there today. (GET IT HIS LAST NAME IS GOOD WITH AN E ON THE END HAHA LOL) Grade: A



Secondary
ZWR: After Patrick Chung got kicked in the face and was replaced by Kurt Coleman I thought to myself, “If Coleman were to rip a Redskins player’s shoe off and throw it that would kind of be retribution for his buddy’s injury since it was a kick from a shoe that caused it.” HAI GUYS!

The Evster: At one point in time, the Redskins were fortunate enough to line up Gary Clark, Art Monk and Ricky Sanders at wide receiver. Now they start Pierre Garçon, Santana Moss and a white person. The 1989 Skins would’ve scored 147 points on these guys. Still, this isn’t 1989, it’s 2013, and the Eagles are in first place and famous rappers wear diamond-studded masks and get chased by wildebeests while they perform. Grade: D

Going Hardinger: Even with Bradley Fletcher and Earl Wolff out the secondary did pretty well. Cary Williams is still a bowl of fart soup, but you can’t ask for much more from a depleted unit that lacks talent overall. Grade: B-



Special Teams
The Evster: HOW ‘BOUT THAT EAGLES PUNTER?!?!? I WONDER WHAT HIS NAME IS. Grade: A

ZWR: Roger Ruzek? Grade: A!

Going Hardinger: Donnie Jones straight PINNING FOOLS inside their own 20. That 70-yard punt before the last drive was a thing of beauty. Grade: A+

My Lunch
ZWR: Holy butt dude we had a Thanksgiving potluck with our neighbors Saturday night and the Nag made her grandma’s recipe dressing (stuffing) and I made cranberry sauce so I had a leftover thanksgiving sandwich OMG that’s pretty much my favorite thing on earth no wonder we wonned.

The Evster: I had a turkey sandwich with american cheese and mayo on an egg bagel because I’m Jewish. Grade: B



Going Hardinger: I had Ramen for lunch it was alright thanks for asking. Grade: C-

Coaching
The Evster: Need more moon balls. Grade: D

Going Hardinger:


 Grade: First Place A+

ZWR: HEY NO IT’S COOL SHURMUR NO NEED TO PAY ATTENTION I know it probably wasn’t even worth challenge but there are principalities involved!

1 comment:

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