Monday, November 4, 2013

Eagles Week Nine Report Card

Hi everyone quick update Bobby Big Wheel and Danger aren't here this week. The former is at hedge fund tax shelter camp, the latter kayaking. 

ZWR: Nick Foles looked okay I guess. Grade: B

The Evster: After Folesy’s 7th TD pass, my wife switched over to the movie Heathers. “Uhhhh, what’re you doing?” … “Dude, they’re winning by 30 points.” … “THEY’RE MAKING HISTORY.” … Then she threw the remote at my head and Foles was replaced by Barkley and Christian Slater killed a whole bunch of teenagers because Heathers is DARK. Grade: ✮✮✮

Going Hardinger: Full disclosure: I experienced this game through text message updates from a friend, Twitter, scarce radio highlights, and furiously refreshing ESPN ScoreCenter. That being said: NICK FOLES. nick fole. Folesanity. Foles Daddy. The Folesinator. What a day. Grade: A+++++++++++drian Burk

Running Back
ZWR: Shady could have played the entire game sitting in the backfield in a lounge chair. In fact, that would have been the best ever. Grade: A (without the chair), A+ (with the chair).

The Evster: Besides that swing pass that he took to the house, I didn’t really see Shady do anything that significant. I did however see one of the girls in Heathers perform oral [FAMILY BOLG] on a dude and then drink some water and SPIT THE WATER AT HER OWN REFLECTION because Heathers is CRAZY and teenagers are SAD. Grade: A forever!

ZWR: Zoinks

Going Hardinger: Ev, what is this show you’re talking about? Sounds intriguing. Anyway, like I said I wasn’t able to watch the game but from my understanding Shady caught a 25 yard TD and the bounce wasn’t even necessary and Bryce Brown actually looked like a good backup RB again. Grade: A for the RBs, B+ to the Evster for piquing my interest, which he rarely does in this recap because he talks about Al Albuquerque.

ZWR: True story- once upon a time Riley Cooper played Madden with the Eagles and decided he was going to have his dream game and even in that his stats weren’t as good as yesterday’s. His effort aside, the highlights for me were Desean Jackson’s childhood photos thanks for that FOX. Oh and big ol’ fist bumps to the tight ends representing! Grade: Raiders secondary.

The Evster: See, THIS is why you can’t change the channel during a blowout! I totally missed Desean’s childhood photos! (Unless Fox showed them during the first half when I fell asleep on the couch and relinquished control of the remote.) Still, decent game outta Desean. Good to see he’s still excited about playing football. Grade: B

ZWR: They totally did. He looked the same size.

Going Hardinger: I know this Riley Coops performance burned The Evster deep down in his soul. But those burns can’t have been as bad as the ones DJ Hayden suffered yesterday afternoon. 1st-round pick this year too. Good to see Desean is still able to successfully juggle his roles as Philadelphia Eagles’ WR and Owner/CEO of Jaccpot Records. Shoutout Zach Ertz too. Grade: A

Offensive Line
ZWR: Ummmm, I guess an A?

The Evster: Even though I have a world famous entertainment blog (LINK TOTALLY WORTH CLICKING ON), I had never actually seen Heathers before yesterday. Based on its chick flick reputashe, I always thought it was just some dumb, cute’sy, coming-of-age story, but boy was I WRONG DUCK DONG. I now understand why teenagers love that movie so much. It’s because teenagers are stupid. Nice block by #62 on that one screen pass by the by. Grade: A

Going Hardinger: Gave the boy Nicholas Foles all day to throw. Did their jobs. Grade: B+

Defensive Line
ZWR: Terrell Pryor, every snap: “Blue forty-two. Blue forty-two. Hut hut hut!” /runs backwards fifteen yards. /faces forward. /ducks a defensive end. /runs toward the other defensive end. /runs backwards another ten yards. /pump fakes. /spin move. /starts progressions. I don’t know how to judge a defense based on that but I’m pretty sure we ruled so they get an A.

The Evster: This is what, week nine? Week eight? Still do not know one player’s name on this entire unit. Grade: B

Going Hardinger: No way I can grade them considering the circumstances. Of course I was on the way back from the Cowboys-Vikings game with my dad and my stupid Cowboys fan roommate and his stupid Cowboys fan friend. Like Ced Thornton a lot though. Grade: A

ZWR: See above. Grade: A

The Evster: Is Christian Slater dead? I think he might be. Grade: B

Going Hardinger: To be honest, the game was enjoyable for the sole purpose of revealing to me just how terrible Cowboys fans are. I somehow came away from that with lost respect for Cowboys fans. There were a ton of Vikings fans there. The Vikings! And not many folks were actually watching the game. Grade: Linebackers B+, Cowboys fans Z-

ZWR: What did you have for dinner, Evster? We made lasagna, and it was banging.

The Evster: Prior to filing for divorce, my wife went out and picked me up a Buffalo Chicken Cutlet sandwich that was not nearly as good as it sounds. It was basically just a couple of chicken fingers slapped on a roll with a packet of Ken’s bleu cheese dressing on the side and who am I to complain it was totally amazing and oh hey look Christian Slater was at the Knicks game last night so I guess he’s still alive after all. That’s nice for him. Grade: B

Not dead.

ZWR: You know who is still dead?

Going Hardinger: we got tacos at this place called Torchy’s Tacos. They were absolutely amazing. I would eat 11 of those if there wasn’t a social judgement or a financial limitation on it. Grade: Dinner A+ (seriously these tacos were awesome) Secondary: B(radley Fletcher)

Special Teams
ZWR: Pretty sure one of my favorite plays came from the Raiders special teams. On the first drive they were forced to punt. Kurt Coleman Shoe Thrower bumped Oakland’s punter, who writhed around in pain, then saw the flag, got up and danced. LOVED THAT. Glad they kept him over that guy from Twitter.

The Evster: Believe it or not, I actually jot down my thoughts on a piece of paper before typing them out for these report cards. Like, I actually think of stuff, take a pen, press it against a piece of paper and then rework it once I get to a computer. IS THAT PATHETIC? That being said, I totally forgot about Special Teams this week and have absolutely nothing written down which is a shame because the Raiders have a black punter. Sorry, everybody. Sorry, Zoo. RIP Reggie Roby. Grade: A

ZWR: Evster’s grade: Ken’s bleu cheese dressing (ewwwwww)

Going Hardinger: Love Oakland’s punter. Much better than that incredibly productive doofus Shane Lechler. What a dork. “Oh you’re really sick at punting dude? SWEET.” Grade: Dirk Johnson Gang or Die

The Evster: Look, I love Chip Kelly, I really do, but there was one play in the first half that had me scratching my head. The Eagles had a 4th and 1 from their own 40 so Chip brought out Folesy to try and draw the Raiders offsides. Everyone knew what they were doing, no Raiders jumped, but then instead of letting the playclock wind down and taking the delay of game penalty, they wasted a timeout. I mean, I realize they ended up winning by 50 points and this didn’t even come close to mattering, but omg who cares this is the most boring paragraph in the history of this website. Sorry again, everybody. Sorry, Zoo. RIP Evster. RIP all those nice teenagers in Heathers. Grade: B

ZWR: Yeah srsly what are you talking about?

Going Hardinger: Love everything about Chip Kelly except the tough decisions to make. I think that will vastly improve with time. Grade: B+

The Evster: Marriage is all about compromise. So while Michael Carter-Willy leads the Sixers against Steph Curry and the Warriors tonight, I will also be watching Elizabeth Berkley duck, jive and wail on Dancing With The Stars. For the record, I would just like to state that I love my wife very much and greatly enjoy all the lotions and decaffeinated teas that she brings to our relationship.

Going Hardinger: Cannot believe MCW and the Liberty Ballers hosting the Splash Brothers and Golden State in Iggy’s return to Philly is gonna be appointment viewing. Incredible. Hoping it gets nationally televised so I don’t have to stream it. Grade: 4-0


ZWR: I’m going to bed at 8 o’clock.

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