Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Roy Halladay Named ZWR's 2013 Man of the Year

We can get through this together.

On the morning of December 9th, news broke that shocked everyone. Then, in an instant, those who heard it were not at all surprised. For there are those men who will only accept from themselves a professional output of unbridled greatness. This is not figurative, or some pithy slogan. If they cannot be elite, they simply stop. Roy Halladay’s body did not allow him to be among the elite pitchers on earth, so rather than middling he decided to disappear into the fog.

Please don’t be long
Please don’t you be very long
Please don’t be long
For I may be asleep

Obviously, baseball fans and followers are sad to see Roy Halladay leave the game. But that sadness has overwhelmingly given way to respect (piled upon that which he’s earned over the course of his amazing career, leaving us with what I'd guess you could call a MOUNTAIN OF RESPECT) and admiration. You won’t see many pro athletes retire until nobody wants them anymore; any team in the majors would have offered Roy Halladay a contract for the 2014 season. But that wasn’t nearly enough. And that’s why he is the 2013 I Want to Go to the Zoo with Roy Halladay (visit us online at www.zoowithroy.com) man of the year.

Monday, December 30, 2013

Eagles Week 17 Report Card: 2013 NFC EAST CHAMPIONS EDITION!!!

Holy butt, that game. We finally composed ourselves enough to deliver you title-worthy nonsense, esteemed readers. Enjoy!

ZWR: Nick Foles sure is patient and cool under fire. Especially when four defensive linemen are swarming all over his head and he’s all, “I got this no worries oh wait actually I’m getting sacked.” But he still goes out there and in the end has between 250 and 700 yards passing with no interceptions and wins so who am I to worry, right? Grade: WE WON THE DIVISION

Dude get ready my LOLs this post rule

DG: I don’t know what Nick Foles was doing or thought he was doing on a couple of those plays (“WELP, Riley’s not open, guess I’ll spin around once or twice and take a sack”), and I really wish the offense had looked better against a suspect defense heading into a playoff game against Drew Brees and company, but as long as our starting quarterback continues to look like a cross between Napoleon Dynamite and Sunshine from Remember the Titans, I will choose to remain confident.

Sunday, December 29, 2013


Photo: Me, my phone, my television (oh and NBC I guess)

BREAKING ZWR EXCLUSIVES: #Eagles Fans Rule; Bill O'Brien #PSU Update: #SYTTD Bridal Consultant Likes Boobs

From shamefully aggregious Pro Bowl snub Jon Dorenbos's Instagram, this vid of faithful Eagles fans owning:

Is Bill O'Brien leaving Penn State to take the Houston Texans job? Apparently, the answer is NO. EXCLUSIVE details after the jump. Congrats, Happy Valley!!!

Monday, December 23, 2013

Eagles Report Card: Week HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

NOTE: I think this song is appropriate.



ZWR: Pretty sure all of Nick Foles's incomplete passes were throw-aways guys he's looking really good and definitely gets an A+++

The Evster: Nick Foles might be the nicest person ever. Yesterday in his postgame press conference, he talked about how everyone on the squad had a great week of preparation, “The special teams, the coaching staff, all the people over at the Nova Care center.” Does he have a girlfriend? It’s time to get this guy a girlfriend. Hardinger, you know any young, hairless women he could date? I do not. Grade: A

Going Hardinger: When Nick Foles throws it away, he really throws it away. Which he did like 4 times. Because the other 21 passes were all complete and it ruled. Nick Foles!! And I know plenty of young women who are probably hairless. Most of them are a little young for The Great White Hope though. Grade: A++

DG: Nick Foles needs a nickname. I vote for The Pale Assassin. No one else gets a vote. The Pale Assassin it is.

Running Back

ZWR: Dude I went to the game with Frank and saw TWO Tyler Eckel jerseys I have to imagine those guys are/were in the Navy or something. And don't listen to whatever Hardingerer says I didn't ditch him. My phone had 4% battery and he said he'd meet me outside my section at halftime in a Shady McCoy jersey. So I went up and there were 1000000 McCoy jerseys and by then my phone was dead and I didn't know if I was supposed to walk up to people and ask if they were the young boy I met on the internet and got scared and now I think he's mad at me :(

Eagles running backs get an A++++++ they all scored and averaged like 13 yards per carry.

Going Hardinger: I saw a Ty Detmer jersey which ruled but seriously no this is all on Zoo. I said I’d be wearing a WHITE Shady McCoy jersey outside his section (I walked HALFWAY ACROSS THE STADIUM CONCOURSE to make this happen) and he responds with “K I’m in gay hoodie and dope Seattle air maxes”. So now I have no idea whether I’m supposed to be looking for a gray hoodie and it was just a typo or if Zoo rocks gay hoodies and what even is a gay hoodie so I was staring at everyone in a sweatshirt’s shoes outside of section 116 for like 15 minutes it was awful. Zoo would get an F- if it wasn’t for speedily getting out those “We’re from Philadelphia and we fight” shirts WHILE DRUNK last night. So he gets a C. As far as RBs go, everyone gets an A+ they all ruled but especially Shady for jumping on the bench and conducting the “We Want Dallas” chant when it was 40-11. Grade: A+ for everyone but especially Shady, A+ Shady 4 Lyfe, C for Zoo

The Evster: If I had to rank the all-time niftiest backs to ever play the game, I’m guessing that Zoo would make fun of me for using the word “nifty,” but I’m still gonna do it.

1. Barry Sanders - so nifty!
2. Sweetness - also nifty, but not quite as nifty as Barry
3. Charlie Garner - Hardinger, you ever eat at Gullifty’s?
4. Shady - A forever!
5. This fast break by Memphis in yesterday’s game vs. Southeast Missouri State

Going Hardinger: I don’t even know what Gullifty’s is.

DG: I have said many, many times that it is impossible to get enough wide receivers on the field to please me, but this season, and especially the last two games (NOTE: I am talking about yesterday’s game and the Snow Bowl vs. the Lions, because the Vikings game DID NOT HAPPEN, OKAY?) has me completely rethinking that. It turns out that what I really crave is speed. You don’t have to pass the ball, just go. Go go go. Faster. FASTER. Take the ball from the ref and spot it yourself if you have to. Daddy needs action.


ZWR: Didn't even need them bro but I mean they still were awesome. HO HO HO

The Evster: I’m in my fantasy league finals and have Desean Jax on my team and I know you don’t care, but I care, okay?, I CARE, and even while the Eagles were blowing ‘em out, I was still really sad the whole game, but also happy for the Eagles, but also SAD, and I sort of (key word there is: “SORT OF”) think Nick Foles is racist. Grade: Satisfactory, whatever, I don’t care about fantasy anyway.


ZWR: Foles as racist? No wonder he throws it to Riley Coops so much :(

Going Hardinger: I noticed they’ve been using Desean “SwaggaJac” “10 Mode” Jackson out of the backfield a lot more the past few weeks. Interesting stuff.  I promise that’ll be the only real football analysis of the entire recap. Riley Coops!! Grade: A

DG: Desean Jackson has zero interest in taking a single hit this season. My man scoots out of bounds and hits the deck in traffic the way everyone wishes Michael Vick had done from Day 1. One day he’s gonna run across the middle and lay down on the field before Foles even releases the ball. And you know what? GOOD. Stay healthy, you tiny rapscallion. I need you.




Offensive Line

ZWR: Evan Mathis is my new Twitter BFF!!! Grade: A!!!!!

The Evster: I had lunch last week with a friend I met on Twitter and I know that sounds really weird but it was really nice. I got pulled pork! Grade: A

Going Hardinger: Offensive line straight mauling fools last night. Just eating souls left and right. Grade: A+

DG: We talk a lot about how fun Chip Kelly and all the skill position players are, but a huge part of the Eagles success has been the somewhat less sexy fact that the offensive line has been healthy and playing as one unit all season long. HEY. Look at me! Providing real analysis! Someone get me a telestrator!

Defensive Line

The Evster: You know when they introduce the starting defense on Sunday Night Football and they show the guys’ faces and they say what college they went to? Well I swear last night when they showed the Eagles defensive line, they just picked three random dudes who had never played football before, because I had never heard of any of them. Still, Grade: A+

ZWR: Bro get on the ball Thornton and Cox and that other guy are awesome (especially that other guy he's from the SEC I think)

Going Hardinger: Bennie Logan, LSU! Easily the worst of the 3 DL but he has an EXCELLENT beard that I noticed for the first time last night. Shoutout Ced Thornton on that safety because it got everyone in my section to throw the safety symbol up and my younger brother didn’t know what it was and was super confused about what everyone was doing it ruled. Grade: A-

DG: Big fat guys tackling running backs in the end zone then running around the field making the safety signal = <3 <3 <3


ZWR: I think Trent Cole is technically a linebacker and he ruled. Kendricks was causing things to transpire, too, so they get an A.

The Evster: The Eagles won 54 to 11. Grade: A+

Going Hardinger: You had to know Trent Cole was gonna have a big game after he LITERALLY KILLED A BEAR somewhat recently: https://twitter.com/Pro_Hunt58/status/414750828902092800 holy cannoli that is an adult bear. Also, Mychal Kendricks overcame his poorly spelled first name to have a big game.

DG: Remember that time Matt Forte tried to block Trent Cole and he got run over like squirrel on a busy freeway? I do. And I will. Forever.

ZWR: Dude this season has been crazy these guys stunk like feet for about four weeks now they rule. The Bears have Brandon Marshall and Altoids Gentry and we straight up shut them down WOW.

Going Hardinger: I had nightmares of Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffery torching the Birds all week and the only significant play either of them made was a TD for Marshall where he pushed off. Boykin pick-6 was great. Grade: A

The Evster: What do you think Brandon Boykin’s nickname is? The Boinkinator? I think it’s The Boinkinator. Grade: A+


Going Hardinger: I’ve seen people on Twitter call him “Boyking” or “Manking” I call him B-Eazy but I like the Boinkinator also. #Analysis

DG: I saw American Hustle this weekend. The main thing I took away from it is that no one wore underwear in the 1970s.


The Evster: I’m from Philadelphia, and let me tell you, I do not fight. I’ve been in one fight in my life -- in 4th grade, with the smallest kid in my class -- and after I tried to put him in a figure four leglock, he kicked me in the lip and my lip started bleeding so according to ALL THE JERKS I WENT TO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL WITH, INCLUDING MY BEST FRIEND ROBBY ROSENSTEIN, he won the fight! WHATEVER, ROBBY. NOW YOU SELL INSURANCE. Grade: A+

ZWR: My last fight was fourth grade, too, and we just wrapped each other up like hockey players waiting for the linesman to jump in only in this case the linesman was Miss Luko. This is a pretty good approach- you still get credit for the fight, but incur no damage. Grade: Smart.

Going Hardinger: I got in a fight in downtown Austin last Saturday it was the 2nd of my life the first was at a Wiz Khalifa and Mac Miller concert in August 2012 and I lost both of them handily stop laughing at me. Grade: C- for me, A+ for Chip

DG: One day we’re going to find out that Chip Kelly has a raging, debilitating Adderall addiction. Until then, let’s all enjoy the ride.

Special Teams

The Evster: I’m supposed to be on vacation right now and am growing tired of writing this thing. There’s also some handyman dude in our house right now and I think he’s making eyes at my wife. I gotta go. Grade: A

ZWR: HAHAHAHA here comes your first fight since fourth grade!

Going Hardinger: DROP THE GLOVES EV!!!!!! (Devin Hester didn’t do anything which was cool good job special teams)

DG: Currently picturing Evster charging the handyman and getting bonked on the head with a hammer. RIP Evster.

The Evster: This handyman needs to RELAX. (Not gonna fight him, but I will shoot him in the face.) 

Friday, December 20, 2013

The 2013 Definitive ZWR Holiday Gift Guide


Welcome to the 2013 ZWR Definitive Holiday Gift Guide of Things You Should Really Want For Christmas. You can see previous year’s versions here (2010), here (2011) and here. I’m STILL WAITING on that aircraft carrier, BTW. 

Let's get to it. 

Coleco Table Hockey Game

Please make sure it’s the Flyers v. the stupid Rangers and has the scoreboard that drops the puck for faceoffs and the goal lights when the puck goes into the net I mean this thing R-U-L-E-S. I mean, look at all of those glorious logos on the side! Whalers! Nordiques! JEU DE HOCKEY!!

ZWR's Europa Champions League Confederation Cup Preview

Finally, something about soccer I can understand.

GIF courtesy of Kelly Christine, who plays for the Union or something

(Ridiculous amount of copy/pastes of this after the jump because YOLO SOCCER PENGUINS

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

ZWR and Evan's Sports Annals Present The Official Ranking of the Best Athlete Named Bake in Philadelphia's History

Past installments in this series can be found here and here

ZWR: A host of men have played for the Philadelphia Phillies. Many of them had names. Many had haircuts. None other were named Bake. None other required a hat size of 9 and 3/4.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

ZWR Breaks Down the All-22 Coach's Film #ANALYTICS

This past Sunday's defeat to the Vikings has left many confused Eagles fans and certified mainstream media professionals searching for answers. As a member of both parties, I'm certainly no exception. As such, I made a point to get up early this morning-- before my stupid kids woke and prior to selecting which no-iron oxford to pair with my Banana Republic chinos-- to review the coach's film. Surely a firm analysis would reveal some things, no? Yes. Yes it did.

Well that explains it

Monday, December 16, 2013

Eagles Week 15 Report Card

No Danger Guerrero this week, he was murdered outside his local Target the other night. 

ZWR: I’m going to look for the positive here. By the third quarter we were in “oh man we’re losing to a butt team and Foles hasn’t looked great and that penalty for the block, bro, like why?” territory and this could have been a certified clunker which could have cast all kinds of doubt but then Nickie got hot and we pulled within a score. Shortly thereafter, of course, the Vikings went on a nineteen-minute, twelve point drive to end the game fargle bargle. Grade: B?

Going Hardinger: Good day on the stat sheet for Nicky but a lot of that was in garbage time. Just never seemed like the offense was clicking. Grade: B

The Evster: I’m totally aware that what I’m about to say is stupid -- not that that’s anything out of the ordinary -- but there was a time during the 3rd quarter when I legitimately wanted Chip Kelly to put Michael Vick in. I know, I know, I know, you don’t yank your young SI coverboy just because he misses a few targets, and the dude still threw for over 4 hunny, but I just really miss watching Michael Vick bing-bonging all over the place and then launching a football further than any human being has ever launched anything. And like I said, yes, super stupid, borderline illogical, but I know there’s gotta be at least one person out there, one really annoying ZWR reader who’s sitting there, reading this report card and thinking, “I agree, Evster. I absolutely agree. I am a total bonejob.” Grade: B (still threw for over 4 Hunny!)

Thursday, December 12, 2013

This Marlon Byrd Home Alone GIF Rules So Hard

Steve tweeted this to me and I died of laughter and now I'm posting it from my grave enjoy!

BREAKING ZWR EXCLUSIVE: Ruben Amaro Jr. Enjoying Winter Meetings

It's been a full day in Orlando for the Phils brass. First, the team selected Kevin Munson (from Arizona) in the Rule 5 draft. Then it signed a guy with a history of identity fraud. But it hasn't been all work and no play for Ruben Amaro according to these exclusive photos I've obtained from sources. Check it out:

Lesean McCoy - Like Water

“You must be shapeless, formless, like water. When you pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup. When you pour water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can drip and it can crash. Become like water my friend.”

Original video from PhiladelphiaEagles.com, and there's also a huge 94 WIP logo on it

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

#Roytirement Lamenting Continues - The Evster

Evan from TV My Wife Watches The 700 Level, and Zoo With Roy is (how to put this?) unique. But he's still a regularish person with genuine feelings that make him feel things-- like all of us-- and HLH's retirement got him to pondering:

I have never understood the premise for this stupid sham of a website (Editor's note: srsly?). For one, I can’t believe there are that many people in this world who legitimately care about baseball (let alone the Phillies! the sh*ttiest team in the history of pro sports!) and two, Roy Halladay seems like the last person I would ever want to go to the zoo with. Does he have any sort of interesting personality? Does he care about anything other than baseball? Does he even appreciate wildlife?!?! ZooWithCharlesBarkley, ZooWithAllenIverson, sure, I get that, that would be loads of fun, but ZooWithRoy? I dunno.

Cutter in the Wind (Getting Dusty in Here...)

by Internet Celebrity Bobby Big Wheel

Goodbye Harry Leroy
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold runners
While those around you balked
They crawled out of the batters box
They whiffed on strikes at the plate
And when you went to the zoo after
You made sure you were never late

Monday, December 9, 2013

Roy's ad in the paper tomorrow - (from @RyanLawrence21)

Roy Halladay really, truly, sincerely rules.

Roy Halladay is Retiring

Even the Zoo Knows This is a Big Day

Video: Roy's Retirement Announcement (Courtesy of ZWR fan @RyanLawrence21)

Okay it's only a one minute portion of it but still hey oh my god it's getting really dusty in here wow. Roy with the sick Philly media burn. LEGEND.

Eagles Week 14 Report Card

ZWR: Not gonna lie, I was a little worried in the first half. Nick Foles looked all, “Dudes I’m from Texas and went to Arizona sorry but this right here isn’t happening” but then he took control of things in the second half and was all, “Let’s do this.” He even had a read option run that went for big yards at a crucial point that took like 37 seconds off the clock (just the running part) I’m pretty sure he rules. B

Going Hardinger: Wasn’t always pretty in the blizzard, but Nick “Young Money Militia” Foles got the job done when it mattered. Folesanity is alive and well. Grade: B

Bobby Big Wheel: Remember when it’d snow and your entire house in college would be like “Dawg, we gotta play snow football”? Best.

DG: You would not be out of line if you accused me of being “a little prone to hyperbole,” but please know that I have really thought about this next statement and I feel it all the way down to my bones: Best game ever.

ZWR Presents: Chip Kelly's Frozen

Fearless optimist and professional troll Charles "Chip" Kelly teams up with quarterback Nick Foles, running back Lesean McCoy and a cast of characters in an epic record-breaking journey. Along the way they encounter Everest-like conditions and a hilarious lion named Schwartz, in a race to make the NFC playoffs.

Friday, December 6, 2013

The Phillies as Arrested Development Characters

If you’ve never seen Arrested Development this post isn’t going to make much sense. But if that’s the case, you really shouldn’t be here reading this dumb bolg on a Friday anyway--instead you should be buying the entire series or streaming it on Netflix immediately. 

Ruben is Gob
Each is supremely confident, massively egotistical, cocky, and, well… a little dumb. Oh yeah, like the guy in the $4000 suit doesn’t know how to negotiate a contract... COME ON! For both of them, this could be the final countdown:

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Wil Nieves Scene Creation Kit Fan Submissions!!!

Hey there kids! Just yesterday on this here bolg (the world's foremost about wanting to go to the zoo with future Hall of Fame pitcher Roy Halladay, BTW) I introduced you to the Wil Nieves Scene Creation Kit and invited you to send along your submissions. Here's a quick example of one I made:

And here are some you donkeys came up with!

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The Wil Nieves Scene Creation Kit!


1. Figure out who Wil Nieves is! Wil Nieves is a backup catcher that Ruben Amaro just signed.

2. Right click and save this picture of Wil Nieves, because this is the best picture of Wil Nieves on the internet: 

Get to right-clickin!

3. Add Wil Nieves to your favorite scenes using Photoshop or Microsoft Paint or GIMP, or whatever.  Marvel at how awesome your creation is!

4. Send the results to dear ol' ZWR using the email link in the menu!

Coming Soon to Theaters - The Rubeit: The Desperation of Smug

From the award-winning director of the Michael Martinez is Dead trilogy comes an epic tale of an offseason so absurd... so desperate--so smug--you'd think it was a work of pure fantasy.

"Wow what a photoshop, ZWR!"

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

BREAKING ZWR EXCLUSIVE: Phils Tender Contract to Mayberry

Fortunately, I was able to sit down with general manager Ruben Amaro, Jr. to get his take on the thought process behind extending a contract to the veteran right-handed hitter, as well as the outfield in general. Enjoy:

"Look at this Ruf
Isn't he neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the guy
The guy who has everything?
Look at this Byrd
New swing untold
How many wonders can one outfield hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, he's got everything
I've got small ball and singles a-plenty
I've got bad gloves and weak arms galore
You want fungible slobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more..."

HIGH FIVE IT, BRO! Riley Cooper and Brent Celek Made This Route Fun.

This is amazing. Per Adam:

Dude they high-fived

He's the DJ, I'm the Snapper (@JonDorenbos) - Deluxe Special Teams Edition

This morning I received a direct message on Twitter from a certain blogger emeritus with mad hops, and he suggested I photoshop Donnie Jones and Jon Dorenbos into DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince's iconic album cover.

I think it turned out pretty great:

Here's the original for those of you born in the 90's

Thanks in advance for your retwits.
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