Monday, December 23, 2013

Eagles Report Card: Week HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

NOTE: I think this song is appropriate.



ZWR: Pretty sure all of Nick Foles's incomplete passes were throw-aways guys he's looking really good and definitely gets an A+++

The Evster: Nick Foles might be the nicest person ever. Yesterday in his postgame press conference, he talked about how everyone on the squad had a great week of preparation, “The special teams, the coaching staff, all the people over at the Nova Care center.” Does he have a girlfriend? It’s time to get this guy a girlfriend. Hardinger, you know any young, hairless women he could date? I do not. Grade: A

Going Hardinger: When Nick Foles throws it away, he really throws it away. Which he did like 4 times. Because the other 21 passes were all complete and it ruled. Nick Foles!! And I know plenty of young women who are probably hairless. Most of them are a little young for The Great White Hope though. Grade: A++

DG: Nick Foles needs a nickname. I vote for The Pale Assassin. No one else gets a vote. The Pale Assassin it is.

Running Back

ZWR: Dude I went to the game with Frank and saw TWO Tyler Eckel jerseys I have to imagine those guys are/were in the Navy or something. And don't listen to whatever Hardingerer says I didn't ditch him. My phone had 4% battery and he said he'd meet me outside my section at halftime in a Shady McCoy jersey. So I went up and there were 1000000 McCoy jerseys and by then my phone was dead and I didn't know if I was supposed to walk up to people and ask if they were the young boy I met on the internet and got scared and now I think he's mad at me :(

Eagles running backs get an A++++++ they all scored and averaged like 13 yards per carry.

Going Hardinger: I saw a Ty Detmer jersey which ruled but seriously no this is all on Zoo. I said I’d be wearing a WHITE Shady McCoy jersey outside his section (I walked HALFWAY ACROSS THE STADIUM CONCOURSE to make this happen) and he responds with “K I’m in gay hoodie and dope Seattle air maxes”. So now I have no idea whether I’m supposed to be looking for a gray hoodie and it was just a typo or if Zoo rocks gay hoodies and what even is a gay hoodie so I was staring at everyone in a sweatshirt’s shoes outside of section 116 for like 15 minutes it was awful. Zoo would get an F- if it wasn’t for speedily getting out those “We’re from Philadelphia and we fight” shirts WHILE DRUNK last night. So he gets a C. As far as RBs go, everyone gets an A+ they all ruled but especially Shady for jumping on the bench and conducting the “We Want Dallas” chant when it was 40-11. Grade: A+ for everyone but especially Shady, A+ Shady 4 Lyfe, C for Zoo

The Evster: If I had to rank the all-time niftiest backs to ever play the game, I’m guessing that Zoo would make fun of me for using the word “nifty,” but I’m still gonna do it.

1. Barry Sanders - so nifty!
2. Sweetness - also nifty, but not quite as nifty as Barry
3. Charlie Garner - Hardinger, you ever eat at Gullifty’s?
4. Shady - A forever!
5. This fast break by Memphis in yesterday’s game vs. Southeast Missouri State

Going Hardinger: I don’t even know what Gullifty’s is.

DG: I have said many, many times that it is impossible to get enough wide receivers on the field to please me, but this season, and especially the last two games (NOTE: I am talking about yesterday’s game and the Snow Bowl vs. the Lions, because the Vikings game DID NOT HAPPEN, OKAY?) has me completely rethinking that. It turns out that what I really crave is speed. You don’t have to pass the ball, just go. Go go go. Faster. FASTER. Take the ball from the ref and spot it yourself if you have to. Daddy needs action.


ZWR: Didn't even need them bro but I mean they still were awesome. HO HO HO

The Evster: I’m in my fantasy league finals and have Desean Jax on my team and I know you don’t care, but I care, okay?, I CARE, and even while the Eagles were blowing ‘em out, I was still really sad the whole game, but also happy for the Eagles, but also SAD, and I sort of (key word there is: “SORT OF”) think Nick Foles is racist. Grade: Satisfactory, whatever, I don’t care about fantasy anyway.


ZWR: Foles as racist? No wonder he throws it to Riley Coops so much :(

Going Hardinger: I noticed they’ve been using Desean “SwaggaJac” “10 Mode” Jackson out of the backfield a lot more the past few weeks. Interesting stuff.  I promise that’ll be the only real football analysis of the entire recap. Riley Coops!! Grade: A

DG: Desean Jackson has zero interest in taking a single hit this season. My man scoots out of bounds and hits the deck in traffic the way everyone wishes Michael Vick had done from Day 1. One day he’s gonna run across the middle and lay down on the field before Foles even releases the ball. And you know what? GOOD. Stay healthy, you tiny rapscallion. I need you.



Offensive Line

ZWR: Evan Mathis is my new Twitter BFF!!! Grade: A!!!!!

The Evster: I had lunch last week with a friend I met on Twitter and I know that sounds really weird but it was really nice. I got pulled pork! Grade: A

Going Hardinger: Offensive line straight mauling fools last night. Just eating souls left and right. Grade: A+

DG: We talk a lot about how fun Chip Kelly and all the skill position players are, but a huge part of the Eagles success has been the somewhat less sexy fact that the offensive line has been healthy and playing as one unit all season long. HEY. Look at me! Providing real analysis! Someone get me a telestrator!

Defensive Line

The Evster: You know when they introduce the starting defense on Sunday Night Football and they show the guys’ faces and they say what college they went to? Well I swear last night when they showed the Eagles defensive line, they just picked three random dudes who had never played football before, because I had never heard of any of them. Still, Grade: A+

ZWR: Bro get on the ball Thornton and Cox and that other guy are awesome (especially that other guy he's from the SEC I think)

Going Hardinger: Bennie Logan, LSU! Easily the worst of the 3 DL but he has an EXCELLENT beard that I noticed for the first time last night. Shoutout Ced Thornton on that safety because it got everyone in my section to throw the safety symbol up and my younger brother didn’t know what it was and was super confused about what everyone was doing it ruled. Grade: A-

DG: Big fat guys tackling running backs in the end zone then running around the field making the safety signal = <3 <3 <3


ZWR: I think Trent Cole is technically a linebacker and he ruled. Kendricks was causing things to transpire, too, so they get an A.

The Evster: The Eagles won 54 to 11. Grade: A+

Going Hardinger: You had to know Trent Cole was gonna have a big game after he LITERALLY KILLED A BEAR somewhat recently: holy cannoli that is an adult bear. Also, Mychal Kendricks overcame his poorly spelled first name to have a big game.

DG: Remember that time Matt Forte tried to block Trent Cole and he got run over like squirrel on a busy freeway? I do. And I will. Forever.

ZWR: Dude this season has been crazy these guys stunk like feet for about four weeks now they rule. The Bears have Brandon Marshall and Altoids Gentry and we straight up shut them down WOW.

Going Hardinger: I had nightmares of Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffery torching the Birds all week and the only significant play either of them made was a TD for Marshall where he pushed off. Boykin pick-6 was great. Grade: A

The Evster: What do you think Brandon Boykin’s nickname is? The Boinkinator? I think it’s The Boinkinator. Grade: A+


Going Hardinger: I’ve seen people on Twitter call him “Boyking” or “Manking” I call him B-Eazy but I like the Boinkinator also. #Analysis

DG: I saw American Hustle this weekend. The main thing I took away from it is that no one wore underwear in the 1970s.


The Evster: I’m from Philadelphia, and let me tell you, I do not fight. I’ve been in one fight in my life -- in 4th grade, with the smallest kid in my class -- and after I tried to put him in a figure four leglock, he kicked me in the lip and my lip started bleeding so according to ALL THE JERKS I WENT TO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL WITH, INCLUDING MY BEST FRIEND ROBBY ROSENSTEIN, he won the fight! WHATEVER, ROBBY. NOW YOU SELL INSURANCE. Grade: A+

ZWR: My last fight was fourth grade, too, and we just wrapped each other up like hockey players waiting for the linesman to jump in only in this case the linesman was Miss Luko. This is a pretty good approach- you still get credit for the fight, but incur no damage. Grade: Smart.

Going Hardinger: I got in a fight in downtown Austin last Saturday it was the 2nd of my life the first was at a Wiz Khalifa and Mac Miller concert in August 2012 and I lost both of them handily stop laughing at me. Grade: C- for me, A+ for Chip

DG: One day we’re going to find out that Chip Kelly has a raging, debilitating Adderall addiction. Until then, let’s all enjoy the ride.

Special Teams

The Evster: I’m supposed to be on vacation right now and am growing tired of writing this thing. There’s also some handyman dude in our house right now and I think he’s making eyes at my wife. I gotta go. Grade: A

ZWR: HAHAHAHA here comes your first fight since fourth grade!

Going Hardinger: DROP THE GLOVES EV!!!!!! (Devin Hester didn’t do anything which was cool good job special teams)

DG: Currently picturing Evster charging the handyman and getting bonked on the head with a hammer. RIP Evster.

The Evster: This handyman needs to RELAX. (Not gonna fight him, but I will shoot him in the face.) 


  1. Am I crossing the line if I ask for pics of the wife? Just wanna judge for myself

  2. Boywonderkin. And did Trent kill that bear with a freaking bow and arrow?!


Leave a comment, or whatever.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...