Monday, December 9, 2013

Eagles Week 14 Report Card

ZWR: Not gonna lie, I was a little worried in the first half. Nick Foles looked all, “Dudes I’m from Texas and went to Arizona sorry but this right here isn’t happening” but then he took control of things in the second half and was all, “Let’s do this.” He even had a read option run that went for big yards at a crucial point that took like 37 seconds off the clock (just the running part) I’m pretty sure he rules. B

Going Hardinger: Wasn’t always pretty in the blizzard, but Nick “Young Money Militia” Foles got the job done when it mattered. Folesanity is alive and well. Grade: B

Bobby Big Wheel: Remember when it’d snow and your entire house in college would be like “Dawg, we gotta play snow football”? Best.

DG: You would not be out of line if you accused me of being “a little prone to hyperbole,” but please know that I have really thought about this next statement and I feel it all the way down to my bones: Best game ever.

ZWR: Dude I feel you only thing is it wasn’t the NFC Championship Game when we beat the Falcons which also had the snow factor and it wasn’t the Koy Detmer MNF game and it wasn’t the Body Bag Game but no lie it was in the Pantheon.

Going Hardinger: Can’t have that discussion without Miracle at the Meadowlands II or the 2009 Divisional playoff win at the Giants in my opinion but yes today was one of the greatest of my lifetime.

The Evster: I took three separate naps during the game and missed most -- if not all -- of the red hot football action. Grade: A

Running Backs
ZWR: Shady is the best ever he had would-be tacklers looking like they were on ice skates LOLOLOL GET IT?! Also there were contributions from Bryce Brown and RB Polk which were huge. GRADE A+++++++++

Going Hardinger: Shady rules forever and ever seriously that was the best individual performance in Philly sports I can remember also this picture is the best ever

Grade: A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bobby Big Wheel: Also I loved snow football because I smoked in college (so many Marlboro Miles, yo) and the lousy conditions evened things up for people like me who got winded while running.

ZWR: You are so white.

DG: I mean, did you see that first half? Did you?! No, you did not, because it was played in the type of blizzard that takes place in Act II of a Syfy movie where newlyweds played by Rider Strong and Tatyana Ali get trapped in a mountainside cabin with 10 other skiers and members of the group start mysteriously going missing one-by-one. Where are they going? Are they okay? And what’s that rumbling everyone hears after the sun goes down? And that slurping? Is something … eating? Tune in next Sunday to find out in the world premiere of Syfy’s newest original movie, The Abominable Snowmanaconda.

The Evster: If you are looking for my thoughts as to how the Eagles running backs did in the 2nd and 3rd quarters, I could not tell you, because I was asleep. But if you are looking for hard hitting analysis from a guy who woke up (and stayed up!) for (most of) the 4th quarter, I’d say that Shady run good! Grade: A forevs.

ZWR: DeSean Jackson is so tiny he probably wasn’t even sinking into the snow but he still made plays because he Rules with a capital R, which was evidenced by his doing the same touchdown dance as the kid in this Instagram video he posted earlier in the week (yes, I knew it when it happened and that doesn’t make me a dork).

FURTHER: Riley Coops was awesome and Jason Avant had the coolest block ever. Grade A

Going Hardinger: Riley Coops and Swagga Jac both outplayed Calvin Johnson that was awesome also Brent Celek sliding in the snow at the end ruled Grade: A

Bobby Big Wheel: Why didn’t the Eagles do that thing where they bury Riley Cooper in the snow and Nick Foles passes to nobody in the end zone OH WAIT RILEY COOPER BURSTS OUT OF THE SNOW AND CATCHES A TOUCHDOWN AND SAYS THE N-WORD.

DG: What do you think Rider Strong is even up to these days?

Going Hardinger: This game needed more Na Brown IMO

The Evster: I remember one catch (maybe early in the second quarter?) when Desean got separation from the defensive back and tiptoed the sideline for a nice 12 yard gain. Great route. Good throw by Folesy. I think the drive stalled shortly after that. Grade: A

Offensive Line
ZWR: Kind of wish someone punched Deceptecon Pooh in the nards. Grade: A

Going Hardinger: Opened up huge holes for Shady plus didn’t flinch on the infinity hard counts that made the Lions go offsides like 92038 times Grade: A+

Bobby Big Wheel: Fat guys have an advantage in snow football because of the extra insulation. I’m just amazed DeSean Jackson didn’t snap in half like an icicle.

DG: But anyway, back to the game. Amazing. Every other game is going to be a letdown after this one. We had a legit Weather Event turn the first half into a hilarious circus, and then the second half featured 50 points, two return touchdowns, two long touchdown runs by Shady, and Brent Celek sliding in the snow like a 10-year-old inside the 20 to put the game away. A++++++

The Evster: Is anyone impressed by the big bad football players not wearing long sleeves under their jerseys? Me neither. It’s just silly. Grade: F

Defensive Line
Going Hardinger: tough to evaluate because it was impossible to get footing for a pass rush but they were involved in Matt Stafford’s face doing this which was fun Grade: B-

Bobby Big Wheel: You guys made Matt Stafford freak the F--- out when he missed that snap. Respect.

DG: Can’t believe ZWR even wanted to do this recap after I dropped this sick burn on him. Figured he’d be too embarrassed.

ZWR: Your mom.

The Evster: Not really sure how “your mom” works there, but considering I have absolutely nothing of value to add to this post, I am all in favor of turning this Eagles Report Card into a bona fide burn session.

Going Hardinger: Idk I couldn’t really see them for most of the game they were ok I guess? Grade: B-

DG: Do you think you’d get a 15-yard penalty for hucking a snowball into the other team’s huddle?

ZWR: We went outside to play in the snow after the game and every time The WAH threw a snowball she yelled, “Snowball on the way!” and it cracked me up. Grade: My kids rule.

The Evster: Zoo you should probably put some pictures of your adorable kids on Facebook because if there’s one thing Facebook needs it’s more pictures of kids doing adorable things OMG JK SICK BURN COMIN’ AT YA DIDN’T KNOW I HAD TO GAT YA.

via Dan McQuade

Going Hardinger: Calvin Johnson only had 49 receiving yards. Grade: A-

Bobby Big Wheel: Nate Allen got hurdled by the Lions backup running back. REDSKINS WON THE MCNABB TRADE.

DG: One good way to look like you have a competent secondary is to play in conditions that make it borderline impossible to throw. Another is to use your draft picks wisely and then supplement them with veteran free agents. Either way.

ZWR: It wasn’t on a pass play but I feel for Bradley Fletcher. I know-- despite having watched football from 1PM until I fall asleep every Sunday since I was ten years old-- none of the dumb special teams rules and totally thought we’d get two points (or at least one?) for returning a blocked extra point all the way and apparently so did he.

The Evster: Hey Going Hardinger please give us more statistical analysis on how the Eagles secondary shut down Calvin Johnson OMG JK AGAIN no one wants to hear that stuff John Clayton Jr. now please call a helicopter because we need to fly to the Crozer Chester burn center STAT.


Special Teams
Going Hardinger: Never again. Ol’ Crazy Eyes better fix it STAT. Grade: F-

Bobby Big Wheel: Haha a guy scored 2 TDs on you while wearing moon boots

ZWR: Big game today by Keenan Allen Wayans on the Chargers.

DG: Desean Jackson never took his hands out of his handwarmer while the one punt was in the air, and then he just let the ball hit the ground. I have a great deal of respect for this decision.

ZWR: Just further proof that DeSean Jackson is the most fascinating athlete ever.

The Evster: Hey Bobby Big Wheel looks like you forgot a period at the end of your sentence more like Bobby Big Grammar Mistake NOW WILL SOMEONE PLEASE PASS ME SOME ALOE FOR ALL THIS BURN!!!

ZWR: Eight inches accumulated on the field and a blinding snow all day and Chip only put 34 up on the board. GET OUT OF TOWN, BRO. Grade for everyone but the special teams idiot: A. Grade for Dave Fipp: Leave.

Going Hardinger: I thought Chip Kelly’s college offense got figured out a few weeks ago? Grade: A but yes Dave Fipp you should probably go hang out with Bobby April.

ZWR: It's true, Hardingererer. Gregg Easterbrook TOTALLY NAILS IT here (he wrote 4800000 words just CTRL+F "Kelly" for the LOLs).

DG: How cool would it have been if Chip Kelly brought out two or three St. Bernards with tiny casks of brandy arounds their necks to roam the sidelines during the game? Verdict: Very cool.

ZWR: Also, while we're talking about coaching, I'd like to thank Jim Schwartz for not just throwing post routes to Calvin Johnson every play. Having someone of his freakish ability/size take advantage of those conditions as an added advantage surely would have been dumb.

The Evster: HEY DANGER, HOW COOL WOULD IT BE IF I POURED BRANDY ALL OVER YOUR FAT FACE AND SET YOUR BRAIN ON FIRE? Verdict: It would be terrible I’m sorry that’s a horrible image to have in your head and I would never do that I’m honestly sorry.

Going Hardinger: Can you believe my dad sold his tickets to that game smh

DG: smdh

ZWR: Got home from a three year old’s birthday party at 1:03 to find out Reggie Bush wasn’t playing and Matthew Stafford couldn’t take a snap in a blizzard and both guys are on my fantasy team and it was the playoffs but no lie WHO CARES we wonned and that game was amazeballs.

The Evster: I should’ve slept through this report card. My sincerest apologies to everyone. I hope you have a wonderful Monday and a pleasant work week.

ZWR: Also let's look at my awesome Frozen poster one more time!!!!!!

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