Monday, December 30, 2013

Eagles Week 17 Report Card: 2013 NFC EAST CHAMPIONS EDITION!!!

Holy butt, that game. We finally composed ourselves enough to deliver you title-worthy nonsense, esteemed readers. Enjoy!

ZWR: Nick Foles sure is patient and cool under fire. Especially when four defensive linemen are swarming all over his head and he’s all, “I got this no worries oh wait actually I’m getting sacked.” But he still goes out there and in the end has between 250 and 700 yards passing with no interceptions and wins so who am I to worry, right? Grade: WE WON THE DIVISION

Dude get ready my LOLs this post rule

DG: I don’t know what Nick Foles was doing or thought he was doing on a couple of those plays (“WELP, Riley’s not open, guess I’ll spin around once or twice and take a sack”), and I really wish the offense had looked better against a suspect defense heading into a playoff game against Drew Brees and company, but as long as our starting quarterback continues to look like a cross between Napoleon Dynamite and Sunshine from Remember the Titans, I will choose to remain confident.

The Evster: Nick Foles Schmick Schmoles how ‘bout Kyle Orton’s hair?! Grade: Silky!

Going Hardinger: In a battle of quarterbacks with questionable hair styles, Nick Foles came out on top against an alcoholic. Looked pretty ugly at times but I concur with Zoo. Grade: 2013 NFC EAST CHAMPS

Running Backs
ZWR: LeSean McCoy wore a championship belt on the field I’m pretty sure that if DeMarco Murray did that after a Cowboys win I’d have dropkicked my television and the Nag would have grounded me but we won and I’m a giant hypocrite and thought it was hilarious. Also he had over 100 yards and broke like seventeen records for yards rushing and from scrimmage. Grade: A++++++++++++ forever

DG: Presented without comment:


Going Hardinger: Shady McCoy championship belt and in general A+ forever. Also: if you had told me before the season Bryce Brown would have scored the point that won the NFC East in Dallas in the 4th quarter in Week 17 I would have slapped you in public. This is amazing. Grade: A++++ forever

The Evster: Nothing that I write in this space will ever matter. Grade: A forever!

ZWR: Awwww, emo blogger is sad : (

ZWR: They kept running DeSean in motion looping behind Folesy-pooh and every time I would get anxious because I anticipated either some amazeball play where he caught a swing pass at warp speed or he’d get a penalty for moving forward at the snap because I mean parabolas aren't straight and DeSean is kind of a space cadet you never know. Also, It’s nice to see Zach Ertz emerging as a viable threat and Riley Coops keep being super clutch and Jason Avant making "HOLY BUTT!!!!" plays. Grade: GOOD ENOUGH TO WIN THE DIVISION

DG: Yo, did you guys see that one catch Avant made? He was, like, athletic and stuff. I had no idea he could do that. Watching him sky to catch that pass after a full season of 8-yard gains against soft zones was kind of like babysitting your neighbor’s 6-year-old for a weekend and then finding out on Sunday night that the kid is fluent in Chinese.

Going Hardinger: Seriously Avant turned the clock back like a solid 8 years there when the ball was in the air I thought they were going up top for Desean and I saw the “81” and was basically all like “nononononNONONONO YES!!!” on my couch. Would like to see them get Desean more involved next week. Grade: NFC East Champs

ZWR: I didn’t even know he could jump, yo.

The Evster: The one touchdown celebration that I still want to see is the Louisiana Jam Job: an offensive player jamming a football into a defensive player’s face mask. Brent Celek had a golden opportunity to do the ole LJJ after that dude pushed him out of bounds, but instead he chose to do that weird back arching limbo bending scream thing, which is pretty much all you can expect from a big white person. Grade: B

ZWR: Evster's perking up!!!

Offensive Line
ZWR: Too much pressure, yo. Though those unbalanced sets where everyone’s on one side of Kelce and like Brent Celek and Brad Smith are playing guard and tackle to his right were pretty boss. Grade: BRING ON THE SAINTS!!!

DG: How many pancakes do you think Jason Peters could eat in one sitting? 20? 25? More? Someone ask him after practice this week. Lookin at you, Gonzo.

ZWR: How much breakfast meat is on the plate? OMG and imagine if he ate Gonzo, too! All 145 pounds of that little hipster dork. Hilarious.

Going Hardinger: Jason Peters could eat 11 servings of scrapple and 23 pieces of bacon while eating said 25 pancakes in one sitting. 5 sacks is sorta unacceptable though. Grade: NF(C-) East Champions 2013

The Evster: We currently have milk in our fridge that has an expiration date of January 30. I don’t know why this is interesting, but I sort of think this might be really interesting. Grade: A

Defensive Line
ZWR: Evster jokes about this every week, but I like that the front three are somewhat anonymous, selfless guys. Their stoutness allows our linebackers/defensive ends who get called linebackers to do so well of late. Yay, guys! Oh yeah you could have been better last night pick it up. Grade: C

DG: If our switch from a 4-3 to a 3-4 has taught me anything, it’s that less defensive lineman are better. I vote we switch to a 2-5 for the playoffs, and maybe even use the offseason to try out a 0-6.

Going Hardinger: They’ve been good all season but I doubt Fletcher Cox could have even told me what Kyle Orton smelled like after the game (answer: Jack Daniels, flat Coca-Cola, and a hooker’s taint sweat). Grade: 2013 (D)ivision Champs

The Evster: If you want to be remembered in this city at this position, you need to either break quarterback’s clavicles (Clyde Simmons) or have a really funny name (Jerome McDougle). Personally, I prefer the latter. Grade: C+ (They did a nice job containing the Cowboys on 3rd Down stops, Hardinger!)

Going Hardinger: No actual analysis allowed in here Ev you know the rules come on now.




The Evster: TRENT COLE’S EYES ARE HYPNOTIZING. Grade: B+ (Jason Witten tore ‘em up, Hardingerreererrrrerrr!)

ZWR: Dez Bryant: shut down (except for that crucial fourth quarter touchdown that could have tied the game)! That little white dork who looked like an extra from one of Jessie Pinkman’s week-long parties: shut down! Horseface- shut down! Witten got some but who cares he takes baby steps when he runs Danger could catch him from behind. But yeah for the love of God please get Earl Wolff in TO’s old hyperbaric chamber please Patrick Chung is butt. Grade: B+ to the unit, A++++++++++++++++ to BOYNKINS.

The Evster: Who is Horseface?

ZWR: Miles Austin.

The Evster: He’s like, really good-looking.

ZWR: He boinked Kim Kardashian. Well, I assume he did. They dated, and she’s not known for her morals.

The Evster: So are you saying that Kim Kardashian looks like a horse? Because Kim Kardashian looks nothing like a horse. Have you ever seen a horse?

ZWR: I have! Once, when I was a little kid, my dad and uncle took me and my cousins horseback riding and my horse was an a-hole so I got off and the second I hit the ground he darted off and ran away and the grown-ups had to chase after him because, as they put it, “we can’t afford a horse, you idiot!”

The Evster: That’s actually very sad.

ZWR: I don’t get horseback riding.

The Evster: You also don’t get horseface looking.

ZWR: Agree to disagree.

DG: I think we should all pitch in and get Brandon Boykins a gift certificate to Wawa. A big one. That way he can use it on food, or iced tea, or gas, or whatever. It’s a versatile gift is what I’m saying. And he deserves it.

ZWR: Concur.

Going Hardinger:

Yeah I pretty much agree. Boykin was amazing and Noted Bowl of Fart Soup Cary Williams may have had his best game in midnight green. Also can we hide Pat Chung’s helmet during games so he can’t play ever?

ZWR: I mean, it’s no surprise that Patrick Chung had the dumbest SNF intro spiel, right? There has to be a direct correlation to the buttness of a player and the buttness of his intro. Like the time Blaine Bishop said he attended “Old School”. Srsly bro? Go away you stink.

Special Teams
ZWR: Without being hyperbolic, Donnie Jones should win MVP of the league for that punt with three minutes left. That guy rules. You know if Sav Rocca’s big dumb face is still here he shanks a 35 yarder and Dan Bailey’s kicking a game-winning field goal. Grade: MVP! USA! Also, I used "hyperbolic" and "hyperbaric" in the same recap I rule Grade: A.

DG: I think punting physically causes Chip Kelly pain. This is one of the many reasons I love him.

Going Hardinger: Donnie Jones straight pins fools deep and I love it. Grade: A+

The Evster: Donnie’s real name is … wait for it … Donald. Grade: A+

ZWR: I love Chip. I love his aggressiveness, his thought process, his approach. What he’s done this year is tremendous. I agreed with the decision to go for it on the goal line, but would have given it to Shady. Dallas had every single player standing over Jason Kelce. All eleven defenders. That little shimmy-jam-SIKE-it’s-a-pitch would have worked and Shady could have moonwalked to the pylon. #ANALYSIS

DG: Chip Kelly has an angel and a devil that pop up on his shoulder on every fourth down. The angel says “You should go for it.” The devil says “You should go for it, PUSSY.”

Going Hardinger: In Chip We Trust. Grade: A+ 2013 NFC East Champs Seriously We Won the Division

The Evster: He’s sort of like an offensive Buddy Ryan. YEAH I SAID IT. Grade: A+

Chris Collinsworth and Al Michaels
ZWR: Guys, I really do tend to like you two. I think you make a great pairing, and I actually appreciate Collinsworth’s snarkiness. But your reactions to the clock snafu? Dallas got “screwed”? They “deserved” the ensuing touchdown? SRSLY? That was a five yard penalty  after a long gain prior to a first down play. The Cowboys had the ball in Eagles territory. You’d have thought Cedrick Thornton distracted the refs while Fletcher Cox threw Mr. Fuji salt into Dez Bryant’s eyes with the way those two dorks were whining. And they were noticeably quiet when, oh, I don’t know, RILEY COOPER HAD A LINEBACKER PULLING ON HIS JERSEY WITH BOTH HANDS WHILE HE RAN OPEN ON A CROSSING ROUTE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A GAME-CLINCHING FIRST DOWN LATE IN THE FOURTH QUARTER and the play where Murray tried to turn Damion Square into a rhombus with the crown of his helmet. So for that you guys get a D.

DG: I watched most of the game on mute while I listened to comedy podcasts because it was TOO STRESSFUL and I needed something to cut through the tension. I feel like this was the correct decision.

Going Hardinger: They reacted to the Cowboys finally getting whistled for a penalty (a bad call, of course) late in the 4th quarter the same way the NBC crew reacts to the Penguins getting whistled for any penalty after the first 5 minutes of play. Not good. It really seemed like Collinsworth was only going to be happy if Jason Peters and Mychal Kendricks were traded to the Cowboys and the Cowboys won the game. I hate to be that guy but the refs and the announcers were both pretty awful tonight. Made for a much more stressful watching experience. Grade: Doesn’t matter, Two Thousand and Thirteen N(F-)C East Division Champions

The Evster: Cris Collinsworth, now that guy looks like a horse.

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