Monday, December 16, 2013

Eagles Week 15 Report Card

No Danger Guerrero this week, he was murdered outside his local Target the other night. 

ZWR: I’m going to look for the positive here. By the third quarter we were in “oh man we’re losing to a butt team and Foles hasn’t looked great and that penalty for the block, bro, like why?” territory and this could have been a certified clunker which could have cast all kinds of doubt but then Nickie got hot and we pulled within a score. Shortly thereafter, of course, the Vikings went on a nineteen-minute, twelve point drive to end the game fargle bargle. Grade: B?

Going Hardinger: Good day on the stat sheet for Nicky but a lot of that was in garbage time. Just never seemed like the offense was clicking. Grade: B

The Evster: I’m totally aware that what I’m about to say is stupid -- not that that’s anything out of the ordinary -- but there was a time during the 3rd quarter when I legitimately wanted Chip Kelly to put Michael Vick in. I know, I know, I know, you don’t yank your young SI coverboy just because he misses a few targets, and the dude still threw for over 4 hunny, but I just really miss watching Michael Vick bing-bonging all over the place and then launching a football further than any human being has ever launched anything. And like I said, yes, super stupid, borderline illogical, but I know there’s gotta be at least one person out there, one really annoying ZWR reader who’s sitting there, reading this report card and thinking, “I agree, Evster. I absolutely agree. I am a total bonejob.” Grade: B (still threw for over 4 Hunny!)

Running Back
ZWR: Kind of wish Shady ran the ball more I wonder if folks will talk about that. Grade: Shady always gets an A no matter what.

Going Hardinger: Shady A+ forever yes but seriously only 8 carries for him compared to 48 passes? This was an Andy Reid special. Grade: A+ because Shady rules

The Evster: It’s a shame this isn’t a Kansas City Chiefs bolg so we could talk about Jamaal Charles. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT’S LIKE TO HAVE HIM ON YOUR FANTASY TEAM? If there are any other readers out there who also have Jamaal on their squad, let’s all go to the zoo with him! Grade: A forevs, still love you Shady

ZWR: Oh cool please tell us more about your fantasy team we’re really interested did you start Lamar Miller or Lance Moore for the flex spot in your PPR3?

The Evster: OH NICE SARCASM Mister I want to go to the zoo with a retired over-the-hill washed-up TORONTO BLUE JAY. And for the record, I also have Julian Edelberg and Desean Jax!!! Great segue!!!

ZWR: I particularly liked the part where the 5’7”, 160lb lunatic tried to fight the genteel father-figure player coach type on the sideline and the national pariah had to serve as a calming voice of reason. Grade: BLURGH

Going Hardinger: Way too much Jason Avant on the field IMO. Grade: B

The Evster: Desean Jax was at the Sixers game last week and I couldn’t stop staring at him because he’s so little and so cute and he was wearing a little Sixers pom-pom hat and then later Shady and Michael Vick showed up and they both had women on their arms with really big breasts and I felt bad for Desean because he deserves a woman with big breasts too. Grade: A

ZWR: I don't even...

Offensive Line
Going Hardinger: D+ because they caused me to see that mulleted idiot Jared Allen do his stupid sack celebration twice. Grade: D+

ZWR: Jared Allen is nothing compared to the guy with the ponytail who had a whole mime routine of fly fishing. SRSLY why are choreographed sack celebrations by white people allowed? What’d you catch, ponytail face? A trout? A bass? A go screw? Grade: White people stink.

The Evster: Here’s another annoying thing that white people do: when they’re ordering food, instead of saying, “May I please have … ?” or, “I’m gonna have …” they say, “I’m gonna do …” like, “I’m gonna do the roast beef sandwich. And then I’m gonna do the gravy fries.” That drives me bonkers. What kind of way is that to order stuff?! RIP Nelson Mandela. Grade: F

ZWR: I just imagined a guy boinking gravy fries at Nick’s Roast Beef and died (literally) of laughter.

Defensive Line
ZWR: "Hey, Fletcher, check out this cool sack dance I just made up. It's me changing my air filter on my Accord! If you don't like it, I've got this other jawn in development called Firing Up the Grill which is hilarious because I use too much lighter fluid and then jump back after dropping the match in."

I think they rested. Which makes sense, since Frank Asiago was at halfback. You can’t really dial up the pass rush because Asiago will shred you apart if you do. Grade: F

Going Hardinger: Seriously no sacks from the DLine? Felt like Cassel had all day. Grade: F

The Evster: They showed the Eagles D-Line during introductions and I’m telling you, there was not one name that I recognized. Not one. Grade: F

ZWR: Kendricks had those two torrid possessions but I mean we just gave up 48 points to the Vikings with their backup quarterback and third string running back I mean srsly guys? Grade: F

Going Hardinger: 3 sacks and an INT but yeah everyone on defense was bad. Do you think people tell Mychal Kendricks his name is spelled really stupidly or am I the only one? Grade: D

The Evster: Late in the game when the Eagles needed a third down stop, a Vikings tight end caught a pass over the middle to extend their drive, so that’s gotta be a linebacker’s fault, right? I have never once put on pads and played organized football. Grade: F

ZWR: “What are we, in a cushion factory?” That was the best sick burn I could come up with yesterday when Cary Williams and Bradley Fletcher were giving their scrub wide receivers all kinds of space, but then it actually got worse when Greg Jennings got seven yards behind our safeties for a bomb from Cassel no lie I thought Greg Jennings retired and I’m pretty sure I can beat him in a race so yeah they get an F.

Going Hardinger: Allowed Matt Cassel to torch them. Cary Williams is a bowl of fart soup. Grade: F-

The Evster: I would love to see a race between ZWR and Greg Jennings. I can picture it now, ZWR with his little headband and sweatsuit, stretching out his quads while Going Hardingererrerrr paced around, pumping the crowd up like one of those stupid Sixers Flight Squad guys, and then Greg Jennings would show up at the last minute in a pair of really baggy Vikings sweat pants and smoke ZWR and then leave with a really hot woman with really big breasts. Grade: F

ZWR: Eff that noise I could take him.

Special Teams
EDITOR’S NOTE: We’re too afraid to take on the challenge of special teams so we’re just going to squib this portion of the report card this week too risky sorry guys can’t chance it F

ZWR: Sooooooooooooooo many infuriating things happened yesterday but I was most annoyed when we were down 41-22 (19 point delta) in the fourth, scored, and the stupid idiot kicking team ran out there and they had to burn their second time-out of the half. Have to be better prepared to not annoy me, there, guys. Grade: YOU GAVE UP 48 TO MATT CASSEL, GREG JENNINGS, AND FRANK ASIAGO.

Going Hardinger: Chip needed to call more runs for Shady and Billy Davis needed to not let a Vikings team missing AP and Gerhart quarterbacked by Matt Cassel score 48 points. Grade: D-

The Evster: Do the Eagles win if Michael Vick is in there? We’ll never know. Grade: D

The Cowboys

Going Hardinger: From my perspective A+ forever seriously they’re perfect just the way they are. Exactly .500 since 1997. They’re hilariously irrelevant in the big picture but their fans don’t realize it and it’s so funny. But as far as an on-field grade, blowing a 23-point lead at home to Matt Flynn is the definition of an F-. Also Dez Bryant leaving the field with 1:21 left in the game was great and so is this .gif

The Evster: Bonkers cheerleaders tho.


  1. When do we get this year's definitive Christmas wish list? We're coming down to the wire and I won't know what to ask for this year without the guide!


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