Tuesday, December 10, 2013

#Roytirement Lamenting Continues - The Evster

Evan from TV My Wife Watches The 700 Level, and Zoo With Roy is (how to put this?) unique. But he's still a regularish person with genuine feelings that make him feel things-- like all of us-- and HLH's retirement got him to pondering:

I have never understood the premise for this stupid sham of a website (Editor's note: srsly?). For one, I can’t believe there are that many people in this world who legitimately care about baseball (let alone the Phillies! the sh*ttiest team in the history of pro sports!) and two, Roy Halladay seems like the last person I would ever want to go to the zoo with. Does he have any sort of interesting personality? Does he care about anything other than baseball? Does he even appreciate wildlife?!?! ZooWithCharlesBarkley, ZooWithAllenIverson, sure, I get that, that would be loads of fun, but ZooWithRoy? I dunno.

ZooWithCharles would be the best -- I think that’s obvious. He’d be cracking you up, walking at a reasonably slow pace and be totally down for splitting a funnel cake, although now that I think about it, Charles would probably insist on going out for a burger afterward, and then maybe hit up a casino or two, and before you knew it, you’d be all outta money and completely worn out and Chuck would be hobnobbing with anyone and everyone and you’d just be like, “Yo Chuckster can we please go home now my feet are killing me!” and he’d be like, “First of all, Duhwight Howard needs to develop a post game,” so I don’t know about ZooWithChuck.

ZooWithAllen? Yeah, he’d probably look adorable staring up at the giraffes, and you know he’d go absolutely bonkers in the gift shop, but I sort of feel like he might have a really short attention span and after around 20 minutes of staring at peacocks he’d want to go grab a steak at the T.G.I.Friday’s on City Line Avenue and then before you knew it you and Allen would get diarrhea because that’s the only thing that ever happens after a trip to T.G.I.Friday’s and then the day would be totally ruined plus the bathrooms at T.G.I.Friday’s are not NEARLY as clean as you’d expect them to be … but, Roy? Still, I dunno. Maybe he really is the perfect person to go to the zoo with?

For one, you know he’d have a good game plan. He’d be in control of the map, and he’d scout out the best route to make sure you maximized your time there. He’s pretty tall too, so that’d be pretty helpful for when you wanted him to put you on his shoulders so you could see over those big dumb idiots who press up against the window when looking at the tigers I mean c’mon people I wanna see too! And most importantly, he’d know when it was time to leave -- packing up before you got too sunburnt, or getting outta there before your kid started to have a major meltdown -- maybe he really is the perfect zoo companion.

Yeah, I know, I know, I know this bolg isn’t really about going to the zoo with Roy Halladay (or is it?!) (Editor's note: it is). I know it’s actually a gigantic rouse created by ZWR to make us all interested in the team 365 days a year even though they repeatedly spend their offseasons signing 35-year-old outfielders when they clearly need to get younger! And I know this doesn’t necessarily mean THE END for the world’s foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Roy Halladay, but it’s the end of something. It’s the end of an era. It’s the end of an amazing career. And it’s probably the end of me being asked to write for this website … WHICH IS ALL JUST ONE GIGANTIC SCHTICK BY THE WAY… DON’T YOU PEOPLE REALIZE THAT?!?! … ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!

So thank you to Roy Halladay. You’ve provided millions of fans with indelible memories, and helped one faithful television blogger gain at least 200 twitter followers because ZWR constantly retweets my stuff.

RIP Roy (and yes I know you’re not dead).


  1. I once saw LL Cool J at the City Line T.G.I.Friday's, which was ok, I guess. Probably not worth the diarrhea I got later on.


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