Friday, December 6, 2013

The Phillies as Arrested Development Characters

If you’ve never seen Arrested Development this post isn’t going to make much sense. But if that’s the case, you really shouldn’t be here reading this dumb bolg on a Friday anyway--instead you should be buying the entire series or streaming it on Netflix immediately. 

Ruben is Gob
Each is supremely confident, massively egotistical, cocky, and, well… a little dumb. Oh yeah, like the guy in the $4000 suit doesn’t know how to negotiate a contract... COME ON! For both of them, this could be the final countdown:

Ed Wade is Buster
Hey, brother. Both are kind enough as people, but let’s be honest, they’re dim and unassuming. Oddly dependent and free-spirited, much like Buster’s 18th century agrarian business studies, Wade is already exploring other, random career paths that in no way suit him. “Did I look over the Rule 5 candidates? Ummm, no. Baseball had a half day today, Ruben.”

Dallas Green is Lucille
I went with this one because both are crazy, old, mean, and were a BIG DEAL in the eighties. Each believe in tough love above else, as evidenced by their ability to deliver utterly demoralizing insults at the worst possible time.

Scott Franzke is the Narrator
With the exception of Michael’s, Ron Howard’s narration may provide the only sane voice in the whole production. They both manage to keep their sanity and professionalism despite constant lunacy around them.

Jimmy Rollins is Lindsay Bluth-Funke
Dramatic and flashy-- downright fashionable, even-- with a penchant for saying (and doing) things that make you shake your head. And you look back and think, “Whoa, in a weird way, that lunatic was one of our more reasonable characters!” But, more than anything, you’ll always love J-ROLL for being, well, just the way he is.

Michael Martinez is Gene Parmesan
For years now he’s been popping up consistently, each time in a new disguise: starting outfielder, defensive replacement, top-of-the-order bat, pinch hitter, pinch runner. The only thing is he never actually accomplishes anything.

So Taguchi is Annyong Bluth
OH REAL FUNNY ZWR BECAUSE THEY’RE ASIAN, I GET IT. HA HA HA. But no--hear me out--suddenly they both randomly appeared and you were all, “Wait, what is going on here.” But then finally you got that the joke was that they were a lot older than you thought, and you had a good laugh about the whole thing. Also, you haven’t seen or heard the name So Taguchi in so long that it’s possible he’s actually living inside the walls of Citizens Bank Park.

Chase Utley is Michael Bluth
Both are clearly the most stable and reliable members of their team, and we often view the rest of the dysfunctional proceedings from their point of view. Like Michael Bluth, Utley is a team-player despite generally existing on an entirely separate plane from the rest of the family. With that said, he has his flaws.

Chase Utley : Poor Slides :: Michael Bluth : Cornballing.

Kyle Kendrick is George Michael
Both are incredibly naive, with woefully unsteady levels of competency. They tend to sulk when things are going their way, and I could also totally see Kyle secretly wanting (okay look I may be taking some creative license here, bear with me) to boink his cousin. But I mean, who hasn't.

Darin Ruf is Ann Veal
Her? Hear me out. Plant seems like a really nice kid, and has good power. Much like Bland, Yam is somewhat … plain. Maybe he’s funny.

Michael Young was Larry Middleman
Strictly business. Death stares. No emotion or personality displayed at any point in time. A consummate, aging professional.

Chris Wheeler is Kitty Sanchez
How on Earth is this awful suck-up still around, let alone so seemingly powerful within the company? Also, that hair. What is up with that hair?

Cole Hamels is Tobias Funke
He has a really hot wife, is incredibly kind to everyone he meets, and probably feels as though he’s been misunderstood by nearly everyone around him. For years, some have had suspect thoughts concerning his, how do I put this… preferences. (Not me, mind you! Go talk to @FanSince09 if you want that sort of scandalous gossip. THIS IS A FAMILY BOLG.)

David Montgomery is Barry Zuckerhorn
A mild-mannered, comforting presence, with a penchant for laissez faire leadership. If you need someone to give a statement at odds with reality or put a positive, if possibly depressing, spin on things, Zuckerhorn is your man. Both have really impressive education backgrounds.

Ryan Howard is the loose seal

Like Ryan Howard’s enormous contract, seals serve as a constant running joke throughout the series--the proverbial gift that keeps on giving. Any true fan of both the team and the show will associate these two with non-functioning limbs.

Papelbon is STEVE HOLT!

This one doesn’t even need a write-up:

Hunter Pence is Rita Leeds
Physically impressive, but with a personality that’s so quirky and eclectic it defies the stereotypes that generally accompany the appearance. Later we find out that he was actually just slightly retarded.

Cliff Lee is Bob Loblaw
All business, each originally came into the picture via trade. Lobs law bombs (curveballs). Probably talks dirty to Heidi Hamels.

JOHN S. MIDDLETON is George Bluth Sr.
Each are wealthy patriarchs currently under indictment for FELONY FRAUD.


  1. I lost it at HER?

  2. Michael Martinez and Gene Parmesean. Perfect!


  4. Wheels is way less annoying than Tom McCarthy .. McCarthy makes Wheels look like Harry Kalas ..

  5. I you ever say "Wheels" and "Harry Kalas" in the same sentence again I will punch you in the scrotum.

  6. A couple of observations: 1. Paplebon as Steve Holt is perfect. 2. Chooch is Maeby Funke. Holds the staff together, but is often forgotten. 3. John Schuerholz is Stan Sitwell which would make Freddie Freeman Sally Sitwell. 4. Antonio Bastardo (Tony Bastard) seems like it should be a name of a character on Arrested Development.

  7. If Dallas Green is Louise Bluth, then Charlie has to be Louise Austero. Slightly dizzy version? Still quite successful?

    But Franzke as the Narrator? You've won my heart forever.

  8. Its a slap in the face of Gene Parmesan to associate him with Michael Martinez. Gene is too prolific. Nailed Kendrick and George Michael though...thats PERFECT. Papelbon as Steve Holt also completely spot on. Lee as LobLaw too. I'm not sold on Hamels as Tobias...but who else could you pick? Not sure.

    Maybe Burrell as Uncle Jack?

  9. Roy Halladay is J. Walter Weatherman, the one-armed man? Too soon?


  11. But we know that Hamels is not a never-nude...


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