Wednesday, January 30, 2013

CK's letter to Jeffrey Lurie


To: Jeffrey Lurie
Cc: Don Smolenski,Howie Roseman
Bcc: Roger Goodell, Barack Obama
Subject: Eagles uniforms

Dear Jeffrey,

Hi! My name is CK and I am a local Twitter celebrity and ZWR contributing artist. I am also a lifelong Eagles fan that has hated the midnight green uniforms since their inception in 1996. I've heard from sources that the main player in the decision to ditch the sweet sweet kelly greens in favor of the pine tree look was your now ex-wife, Kristina. I get it man, happy wife = happy life. But guess what? She’s not your wife anymore. AND you just hired a coach whose last name happens to be Kelly, so let’s party.  Really that last part doesn't matter at all... I could care less if the coaches name is Dick Slippers, this is about the uniforms that we all love and cherish well except for like you and the ex-misses and probably Dave Spadaro because he likes whatever you like and also Andy Reid because he would've looked like a huge Green Lantern but he’s gone now let’s focus.

Splitsville, bro

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Evster and Not Me Recap Last Night's "The Bachelor"






Hey everybodys, The Evster here. Zoo With Roy asked me to fly solo this week while he’s on vacashe in sunny Florida.  But I kinda liked the whole back and forth collabo thing we had going on, so even though he’s not around, I’m still gonna write this week’s Bachcap in that format – and I’m just gonna make up what I think the penguin would say. Sound good, Roy?

NOTZWR: I love hockey! Fargle bargle! 

TVMWW:  Great. So it’s 6am here in Philly and I have no idea why I agreed to do this. I don’t even like this show!* (*not true) I think I’m still fired up from last night – and the fact that Sean gave a pity rose to that crazy lady. He’s such a sucker! I mean, yeah, he’s a nice guy, and he’s got a bod like a total jackhammer, and I’d still love to take a nap on his smooth, soft chest, and his smile is like an angel’s, and he played D-1 football so that’s pretty impressive, and he seems to have overall decent hygiene, but c’mon dude! Be a man! That lady is playin’ you! I’ve lost all faith in Sean, all faith in this show, and all faith in the Kansas State football recruiting process. Plus, we have no coffee in my house. I hate this world.

NOTZWR:  zOMG, you have GOT to taste the orange juice in this state. SO ORANGE AND SO TASTY. Reminds me of the Orange Juliuses that me and Cranekicker used to get at the Deptford mall. Hey, did you happen to catch a Flyers score? I missed the game the other day because we had to go swimming with dolphins. One of them was named Darryl! He was wearing a shirt!

Bong.

TVMWW:  The Flyers are not doing well. Some people up here are pretty upset about it, but not my wife, she seems to be doing just fine, especially after ABC showed Sean walking around in his little black underwears (thighs like what what what). My wife rewinded that scene on our DVR and rewatched it four straight times – once while lying on the floor so she could “inspect it from another angle.” That’s okay though, because I plan to dedicate at least the next 12 paragraphs to Selma and her ENORMOUS bong-bongs. HOLY MOLEYS. I really enjoyed all the grunting and heavy breathing she did while climbing that rock. I like that lady. She’s so dumb and so boring.

NOTZWR:  There’s currently a Cuban woman cleaning my hotel room and I’ve never seen anything like her. It’s not even that she’s that beautiful or innocent, it’s the fact that she’s so good at cleaning. I think I might just stay in this room all day and take a nap while the NAG takes the WAH to the pool. I’m so sleepy after swimming with all those dolphies! The sun really wears you out!

TVMWW:  Even though I love Selma, it is absolutely ridiculous that she won’t dip her tongue into Sean’s mouth on national TV. That being said, I think it’d be super hot if the two of them just Eskimo kissed for hours – jamming their noses into each other’s, smushing them together, struggling for position, bending cartilage –  she seriously has the biggest breasts I’ve ever seen. I would pay top dollar to watch her go swimming with dolphins / eat a dolphin.

NOTZWR:  I saw so many teenagers making out hardcore at Epcot Center yesterday. It was amazing. 

Taryn, with an A?

TVMWW:  Teryn (that’s her name, right? Teryn? Is that a name?) is more unstable than any teenager. After her breakdown, she told Sean that she’s “very sensitive and emotional” which is basically the worst thing you could ever say to a dude who you were trying to have sex with. I mean, that’s like saying, “Hey, I have the two worst qualities any person could ever have,” or “Hey, I like the Counting Crows,” or “Hey, I enjoy reading TVMWW.” She has a big butt though so that’s nice for her.  

NOTZWR: (sleeping)

TVMWW: Watching that one-armed girl try to roller skate was so sad and so painful. It was like watching a blogger try to write jokes at 6am. I think a garbage truck just hit my car.  Who wakes up this early?

NOTZWR: How can anybody sleep with all these beautiful birds singing? And man, I gotta close these shades. The sun is BEAMING into my hotel room. You would think that palm trees would provide you with some good ole fashioned shade, but no, not when they’re blowing in a quiet, gentle, perfect sea breeze. I think I might put on one of these soft terrycloth robes and take a walk down to the pool to see how many butts I can find. Yesterday I found eleven.   

TVMWW:  Neil Lane probably has the tannest butt.

NOTZWR:  Speaking of tan butts, who got sent home, Evster?


TVMWW: Great question Not Zoo With Roys and in no way did that seem like a forced segue to wrap this post up! It was the black lady. Not the black lady who asked Sean if he wanted to taste some chocolate, the black lady with the gigantic mouth who has no idea how to date people. I mean, really, how hard is it to stay alive on this show??? Just grab a dude’s junk, look him dead in the eye and tell him that you “can make the wolves howl.” Doesn’t even make sense, but it doesn’t matter. Dudes are suckers. And wolves are awesome.  

NOTZWR: Wolves are awesome! And so are you, TVMWW! Thanks for writing this and taking over my bolg while I ride jet skis and eat lobster and watch SportsCenter over and over and over again each morning. Folks, be sure to check out the Evster’s bolg, it’s the best bolg ever. Even better than this bolg. 









Thursday, January 24, 2013

Some Phillies E-Cards: Offseason Edition









Wow, that was actually pretty dark. Sorry.

But hey, to cheer yourself up why not go look at the first edition of Some Phillies E-Cards over here.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Evan and ZWR Recap Last Night's Episode of The Bachelor


Hey there, kids. Evan from TV My Wife Watches and I are back this week with another Bachelor recap, and this time we decided to go with categories because ... well ... we just wanted to. So on to it!

Moment I Almost Threw my TV out the Window

ZWR: Seven seconds into the episode, when they showed a stupid “Sean exercising shirtless montage”. Screw this show I hate it oh yeah great he’s on a treadmill now whatever.

TVMWW: Pretty sure he was using a Bowflex, which I would totally need to use for around seven straight weeks if I ever wanted to throw a television out a window. Those things are heavy!

I couldn’t handle it when Kristy started crying after her team lost the volleyball game, meaning she wouldn’t get any more time with Sean. HOW ARE YOU CRYING? YOU’VE KNOWN THE DUDE FOR TEN MINUTES. And just because you’re not gonna get more time with him does not mean he’s going to send you home. Relax, lady. Everything’s going to be okay. Trust me, I’ve been watching this show for YEARS. 


(45 minutes after I wrote this, Sean sent her home.)



Oh go screw

Roy Halladay is Hitting the Weights


ZWR fanboy Ryan Lawrence had a particularly interesting quote from Charlie Manuel in his most recent blog entry, and it concerned our very own bolg muse:
"(Halladay) looks real good. He looks strong," Manuel said of his two-time Cy Young Award winner, who missed almost two months last summer to a right shoulder injury. "I could tell he’s been doing some work with his upper body, his back and shoulders. He looked a little bigger and stronger. ... Halladay of course has thrown a lot of bullets. But at the same time, too, I think the time he’s had off and the conditioning program he’s been on, if anybody can bounce back and do it, I think it’s Halladay."
Being that Zoo With Roy is the world's foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with the Philadelphia Phillies ace pitcher-- and two-time Cy Young award winner-- Roy Halladay (visit us online at zoowithroy.com), we couldn't rest with just word alone. So I dispatched some of my sources in the Clearwater area to a few of Halladay's more well-known fitness haunts, and by good fortune we were able to snag a photo that corroborates what Charlie noted. Check it out for yourself, I think you'd agree that the change in physique is somewhat noticeable.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Flyers 2013 Season Preview


Another hockey season is upon us, and we couldn't hope for a more exciting start. The Flyers open things up against their arch rivals- the Pittsburgh Penguins- on Saturday at the Wells Fargle Bargle.

A refresher for those who may have fallen out of the hockey rhythm during the lockout: The Penguins are evil scumbags. On top of that, they represent everything that's wrong about professional sports and a general lack of character. They stunk forever, then got to draft Mario Lemieux. Then they stunk for half a decade again, only this time on purpose. Then they were bankrupt and couldn't even pay Lemieux so he got to own the team (kind of like when your senior year roommate couldn't pay his share of the rent so you got to keep his Xbox). Then they couldn't build their own arena and tried to move to Kansas City. Then they took a hand-out like the shameless pigs that they are. Then Sidney Crosby drew seven interference penalties a game for five years. Then the team they assembled by tanking got better and made it to the Stanley Cup Finals, and the league made up new rules for automatic suspensions and how many players are allowed on the ice and the Detroit Red Wings got screwed out of what should have been another fairly-earned cup. Some say it's because the commissioner needed to validate the years of cheating the league invested in its soulless, welfare franchise. I have to agree. Ummmm ... then we owned them last year in the playoffs because the Flyers are everything that's right about hockey and the Penguins repeated attempts at injuring our players after realizing they had no chance limply failed. All caught up? Here's a gif!


Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Evan and ZWR's Bachelor Episode 2 Recap!


In which Evan from TV My Wife Watches discovers how to use Google docs, talks of horses, and Rick laments the state of his physical, human self... the fault therein of course being Sean's. 

TVMWW: Of all the ridiculous things that happened this ep (the horse hair lady sending herself home, Sven’s accent being real, the fact that my mother didn’t call me once during the show), the most mind boggling thing had to be Sean’s terrible bathing suit!

ZWR: Dude was that a Jew fro made of yarn?

Zoinks

Monday, January 14, 2013

The Remaining Eagles Coaching Candidates In One Sentence





Gus Bradley
His defense gave up the game-winning drive in 12 seconds.

Mike McCoy
His offense had Peyton Manning take a knee with more time left on the clock than Atlanta had when it drove the field to win the game (and Matt Prater kicking at altitude).


Thursday, January 10, 2013

Evan from "TV My Wife Watches" Wrote a Bachelor Recap for Us Donkeys


By Evan

Last week, Zoo With Roy sent me a direct message on Twitter that read:
“Do you have any interest in writing Bachelor recaps for ZWR? I’ve done them in the past. We can use Google Docs.”
Now I’m not sure what kind of flirt ZWR is – or if he knows anything about the ancient art of wooing – because if I were asking another dude to write for my blog (sic), I don’t think I’d attempt to seal the deal with, “We can use Google Docs.”

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Google Docs is the preeminent document-sharing tool on the Internet and ZWR has its exclusive rights. (Personally, I’ve always preferred to use SharieDoccies.com, but that’s just me.) I just think the penguin’s offer might have been a littttttle more appealing if he closed with, “We can make loads of wet, hot cash!”

But I’m too old to play games, so after thinking about the offer for approximately 13 seconds, I agreed.


Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Charlie and the Gang Test Out the New Dugout Phones



[a shiny new device hangs in the dugout]


Yeah like what is it Ruben I got stuff to do and all it’s almost pitchers and catchers.


This’ll be quick, guys. MLB struck up some cornball deal with [snickers] T-Mobile, so we’re replacing the dugout phones with cell docks.


What the hell- a cell block? Like at y'all old park?

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

A Comprehensive BCS Championship Game Recap



Pretty  much sums it up

SHAMELESS: My Favorite ZWR Hockey Shirts


Good morning, donkey face. Did you hear the good news? The NHL is alive! Remember that? Here's a bunch of gifs packaged for your convenience as a refresher:



Friday, January 4, 2013

Andy Reid and the Chefs FTW



HOT OFF THE INTERNET, ZWR Sources are indicating that Andy Reid will soon be hired by the Kansas City Chiefs as their new Head Coach and Executive VP of Better Job Doing.

And that's funny, because the only thing I think of when I think of the Kansas City Chiefs (besides Priest Holmes) is this Snickers commercial from the 1990's, which did a better job (haha) at branding the Kansas City Chiefs than the Kansas City Chiefs ever really did.

Perfect

Johnny Goodtimes Made Us A Web Video



Johnny Goodtimes is, unequivocally, the king of Quizzo in Philadelphia. True story: Once, way back when I still lived in Philly my good friend/former college roommate and I won as a two person team at one of his events. You should have seen it, two staggeringly handsome, humble young men of men destroying a room full of dork gargoyles and, most satisfyingly, our arch nemeses- a team of about 14 Penn losers with their cable knit sweaters and big dumb ugly faces (Note: If you go to a JGT Quizzo nowadays the people are cool, fun, and not infuriating).

Moving on, as I made that introduction sufficiently about me, Johnny is also a fine humorist outside of the pub quiz gaming circuit. For example, he recently teamed up with Fastball Pitcher Bob Gutierrez (who kind of resembles one of these guys) on a web series called "Sports Purgatory", about some of the more joyous moments in Philadelphia sports history. For your enjoyment, below is the first installment.


(My favorite joke's at 5:39)

Thursday, January 3, 2013

A 2013 Fresh Check On That Michael Martinez Injury Status


Still dead.


Fearless Prediction: Ryan Howard Will Hit a Home Run on May 18th


I had a dream a few weeks ago in which I attend a Phillies game. The specifics: it's a Saturday day game, we are playing the Reds, and it is early in this upcoming season. During the bottom of the first, as I wander from left field to right along Ashburn Alley- past the batter's eye wall and by the bullpens- Ryan Howard hits a straight up BOMB right at me. Of course I don't try to catch it. It bounces around and everyone cheers, and a sense of "Hey, he's (for real) back!" brings euphoria to a place it belongs: a weekend early evening at the ballpark, at our ballpark.

For whatever reason that came back to me this morning. Maybe it's because one of the last great moments I had at a Phils game was Howard's Game One home run against St. Louis in the 2011 NLDS. Maybe I like recalling dreams where I search out a sandwich. I don't know; meaning is what you make of it. But I checked the schedule and sure enough we play the Reds on a Saturday afternoon- May 18. So I'm calling it now. 

Ryan MOTHERDUCKING Howard

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Evaluating the Eagles Coaching Options


It has been a crazy few days in the NFL world, highlighted locally by the Eagles relieving iconic head coach Andy Reid of his duties. Much has been said and written of Big Red's legacy; we'll leave that for others. What I propose to do here is perform a thorough, detailed analysis (what else would one expect of ZWR Gridiron Analytics?) of the primary targets in the organization's head coaching search.

Chip Kelly (Oregon, Head Coach)

I'm not going to lie, I'm intrigued. How couldn't you be? This donkey gets off eight hundred snaps a game and his offense is more about tempo, spacing, and match-ups than it is some stupid college rushing attack. It's so exciting! Have you watched Oregon play? zOMG would Nike make us super cool disco ball helmets and dope Kelly Green unis? Is that another factor to consider?! BRAIN ASPLODE.

But still, it just leaves me a little ... anxious.

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