Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Delmon Young Arrives in Cleveland



As previously reported by bolg sister site The Fightins, Delmon Young has been added to the Phillies roster in place of some other guy I never even got the chance to bolg about.

EXCLUSIVE ZWR sources were on location to capture the scene as the normally gruff Young arrived in Cleveland, apparently in good spirits:



Welcome to the team, Delmon!

Requiem for Giancarlo



When I am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me;
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree:
Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet;
And if thou wilt, remember,
And if thou wilt, forget.

I shall not see the shadows,
I shall not feel the rain;
I shall not hear the nightingale
Sing on, as if in pain:
And dreaming through the twilight
That doth not rise nor set,
Haply may you remember that I died tripping over Michael Martinez,
And haply may forget.


Michael Brantley Talks About Facing Roy Halladay


ZWR correspondent Dennis Deitch sat down on Tuesday morning with Indians outfielder Michael Brantley to discuss a host of topics. When asked his thoughts on facing Roy Halladay, the young left-handed slugger was quite frank:
THE THOUGHTS that rain their steady glow
Like stars on life’s cold sea,
Which others know, or say they know—
They never shone for me.

Thoughts light, like gleams, my spirit’s sky,
But they will not remain.
They light me once, they hurry by,
And never come again.
Thanks Michael and Dennis!

Monday, April 29, 2013

Roy Halladay is Pretty Much Set to Dominate the Rest of the Way




Noted bet welcher and all-around bad guy Todd Zolecki has a pretty incredible article up on Phillies.com, in which Roy Halladay offers some encouraging insights into his face-breaking performances of late, and talks about the Mental ABC's of the game.

Check these nuggets from Doc and try to act like your Monday wasn't just made.
"I think coming out of Spring Training, having short outings, having some poor outings, coming back wanting to prove that I was healthy, my focus wasn't on making pitches. My focus was on trying to prove something that necessarily didn't need to be proven." 
Way to go, the media. You guys are idiots.
"So I just tried to re-adjust and get back to having my focus on singular pitches and working counts and simplifying. That has always been my bread and butter, and for some reason, I got away from that."
 Roy's dialed in.

Oh, and Chooch is back.


"I feel good," Halladay said. "I think that there's always things to improve on. Obviously, getting ahead. The cutter has been getting better each time out. It's been a little more consistent each time out, so that's been good. Everything else is coming around."
Yes please. YES TO THE PLEASE. YES, MEET PLEASE.

/cut to Phillies wining division by 11 games and sweeping their way through the World Series. I mean, it seems like the most likely outcome after reading that, no?

TELL 'EM ROY:


 photo SOCUTTERED.gif
I'm going to post this gif in probably every post ever from now on, FYI

The Carlos Ruiz Flash Card Game (Once More)


Chooch is back, and so is the Carlos Ruiz Flash Card Game! Thanks to ZWR enthusiast Ben for sending in this first one over the weekend and spurring my fine, toned, manly butt (wait what) into action. Without any further ado...

4/28/13 vs. M_ts - One Sentence Game Recap



Broom sweep dance


"Choooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooch is back and Ryan Howard is starting to mash and bwahahaha eat it, the Mets."

AP photo

Via www.thefightins.com

Sunday, April 28, 2013

4/27/13 vs. M_ts - One Sentence Game Recap



"It was a beautiful Saturday and we bashed the M_ts and yes please."

AP Photo


Saturday, April 27, 2013

4/26/13 vs. M_ts - One Sentence Game Recap



"Ryan Howard hit a three-run homerun and--wait what--Kyle Kendrick threw a complete game shutout?!?!!!?"


Friday, April 26, 2013

4/25/13 vs. Pirates - One Sentence Game Recap



"Les Phillies sont 9-14, sept matchs derrière la division menant Atlanta Braves."

Drew Hallowell/Getty Images

Phillies vs. Mets: A Comprehensive Series Scouting Report [TheFightins]



I’m going to give it you straight here, because I care about you and treasure your friendship: the Phillies aren’t really that good at baseball right now. AND, this season may turn out to be quite a slog. I know, tough news to hear. I’m not saying that there’s no hope of us turning things around–I mean after all, we have ROY MOTHERDUCKING HALLADAY–it’s just that, things tend to look reallllly bleak after you lose three out of four to the Pirates.

But I checked with the Pope and, no matter how bad we suck, we’re still allowed to make fun of the Mets.

So here’s a scouting report for the upcoming series. 

Ike Davis 
Feels like, “A cup in the middle of the sea.”

 
OH SNAP - Read the rest over at this new site, TheFightins.com »

Phillies High: The School Newspaper Breaks a Huge Story



Guess what? New Phillies High from Danger Guerrero!

And also guess what? It's back in its original format, in its original home, the newly re-launched TheFightins.com!

And guess what else?!! It RULES. So go read it now.

Read the whole thing here




Lane Johnson: Bear Wrestler



Pretty sure we're gonna love this guy


Original pic via Thinng

Eagles Draft Offensive Tackle Lane Johnson!



Here's the report filed by newly appointed (unbeknownst to him) ZWR Scouting Director Les Bowen shortly after the selection:
Love this pick. Athletic, agile tackle who will protect Mike Vick's blindside. Fits well within Chip Kelly's idealogy; team physicians did a battery of measurements to determine he could play at upwards of 315 lbs while still maintaining full mobility. Former, and possibly future, QB.
Custom smoothie: Acai superfood mango beef jerky 2X protein plus.
Pick allows Herremans to slide back inside to guard, and Watkins to put out any injury fires along the interior. He and Jason Peters form the most athletic tackle combo in the league-- which is vital to Kelly's offense proceeding as planned. 
Thanks, Les! Here are some pics of the newest Bird!


Lots more pics after the jump!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

New Philly.Com Jawn


Philadelphia is trying to get the Olympics? You know what that meant. Check out my latest Philly.com piece!!! Bonus: There are lots of awesome pictures like this one (and one of Delmon Young that's sure to break your face clean off):



CLICK IT!!!

Predict the 2013 Phillies OF Home Run Total



Let's prognosticate, donkeys. Phillies outfielders have combined for a total of five home runs so far this season-- and that counts two by Laynce Nix that came as a fargle bargling pinch hitter. It's a fairly safe bet that Ben Revere is going to post a donut (plus or minus one). "HEY SPEAKING OF DONUTS, Wheels, don't forget that Delmon Young will be joining the team soonishly!"

So factor all of that into your guesstimates and tell me ... HOW MANY HOME RUNS WILL THE PHILLIES OUTFIELD HIT IN 2013?!?!?!

Post your reply in the comments below, and link your name to a valid (the one you use for internet shopping/spam) email address. The (first) person who picks the right number will win a free T-Shirt.


Ring ding dong, ring-a-ding-ding-ding dong

BREAKING: TheFightins.com IS BACK



I demand you stop what you're doing now (reading this bolg), and kindly point your browsers in this direction for a special announcement from Meech.one






4/24/13 vs. Pirates - One Sentence Game Recap



"Our DYNAMIC offense EXPLODED for three runs, but the pen ran dry."

(Yong Kim; Philly.com)

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

ROY HALLADAY SAYING "SO CUTTERED": ZOMG MUST-WATCH VIDEO



 photo royvideoholybutt.png

YOU GUYS.

THIS IS TOO EXCITING TO NOT POST IN ALL CAPS SO BEAR WITH ME A MOMENT.

MY NEW BEST FRIENDS IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD, COMCAST SPORTSNET, JUST SENT OVER THIS VIDEO OF OUTTAKES FROM A RECENT PHILLIES SHOOT.

WELL GUESS WHAT?

IN IT, ROY HALLADAY SAYS, "SO CUTTERED."

NO, REALLY. GO AHEAD AND WATCH. I'LL WAI--*PASSES OUT *



ALSO, IT'S CLEAR FROM WHAT HE SAYS AFTER UTTERING AMERICA'S FAVORITE CATCH PHRASE THAT HE TOTALLY KNOWS ABOUT MY WEBSITE BOLG (ZOOWITHROY.COM)

 photo SOCUTTERED.gif

TO RECAP: ROY HALLADAY JUST SAID "SO CUTTERED" IN A VIDEO ON MY BOLG, ABOUT WANTING TO GO TO THE ZOO WITH ROY HALLADAY


Let's watch it again:


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 photo royvideoholybutt.png

Soon?!








Esotericky Bottalico Has Some Thoughts On Last Night's Effort




In case you missed it, the Phillies lost.

4/23/13 vs. Pirates - One Sentence Game Recap



"The Phillies scored zero (0) runs, so even if Cole Hamels had managed to pitch a complete game shutout, they might still be playing."

SO CLOSE!
Yong Kim/Philly.com

RIP Mike LaValliere

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

A Disney Princess (Wait What) Photoshop Parade



Duh of course I Photoshopped a bunch of pictures from last night's game into Disney/Princess-related themes.



More after the jump...

VIDEO: PHILLIES PROSPECT JESSE BIDDLE STRIKES OUT 16 DONKEYS



F A C E B R E A K_ A L E R T
F A C E B R E A K_ A L E R T
F A C E B R E A K_ A L E R T

ZWR's #1 pitching prospect Jesse Biddle had the game of his life last night. 

With a perfect game through six during his start in-- ahhhh, you know what, I'm not even goign to introduce this video from @MisterTug and Ballgamers.com anymore, just watch it:



Latest Roy Halladay Laser Stare Victim: Matt Carpenter



Apparently this facebreaking exchange happened the last time Roy Halladay (he's the main subject of this bolg, FYI) pitched and it was TOTALLY UNBEKNOWNST TO ME until yesterday (no but for real Twitter, you gotta do a better job staying on top of this stuff for me in real-time).

Anyhow, here now is the exchange that left Roy's most recent laser stare victim, Matt Carpenter, completely disintegrated along the first base line:

Glorious.
Via @MisterTug and BallGamers

One Sentence Game Recap - 4/22/13 vs. Pirates



"Jonathan Pettibone made his first MLB start, some guy named Ezequiel Carrera spurred the game-winning rally with a headfirst slide, and we're still the hippest baseball team in Pennsylvania."

(Photo: Ron Cortes, Philly.com)
Bonus GIF after the jump ... be part of that world.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Ben Revere (@BenRevere9) as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle



After Ben Revere (basically my new favorite player not named Harry Leroy Halladay III) got a clutch single last night, he got all gritty and fired up and emotional and what not. The Phillies went on to win, so it was pretty dope. And the original pic was awesome, but after a quick look I knew exactly how it needed to be altered, forever changing your impression of fired-up-Ben-Revere. 

(Not to be confused with the time in 2011 I compared former and future Phillie Roy Oswalt and the Phillies starting rotation to ninja turtles), here is a photoshop of Ben Revere as Raphael:


You gotta figure Ben Revere LOVES pizza, too

The Definitive Crotch Thrust Guy .GIF



God bless Mister Tug (you know, formerly of The Fightins), who sent me this brilliance in professional-looking GIF format:

Copyright: Tug and that guy's crotch

Joseph Dever Performs Facebreaking Brad Lidge Re-enactment





What's not to love about this kid? Let's count the awesomeness:
  1. Skips over the first base line like a pro.
  2. Goes over his pitch selection by talking into his glove.
  3. Pumps up the crowd like a point guard who just nailed a clutch three.
  4. Hat tilted sideways.
  5. Big over-the-top lefty with a natural tail on his pitches
  6. FACEBREAKING BRAD LIDGE RE-ENACTMENT!
That's a flawless performance right there. Kid nailed it on all accounts. Also, I'm 90% certain he's currently a better option out of the bullpen than Chad Durbin.

Also (duh), please check out the Autism Cares Foundation and check out ways you can become involved. 

One Sentence Game Recap - 4/21/13 vs. Cardinals on ESPN




"There was a guy in a tuxedo, a donkey humping the air, some confusing moments from Chase Utley, CHEESESTEAK B-ROLL, a Hindendurb near-catastrophe, a clutch Ben Revere single, and a Turkey Pig blast deep into the cold April evening."



via @BubbaProg
 

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Introducing Crotch Thrust Guy!


The Phillies are on national television, and this gentleman who is holding two beers is humping the ether.


I totally recorded this off the TV with my phone

One Sentence Game Recap - 4/20/13 vs. Cardinals


"The Phillies didn't score any runs, so it's probably better that Cliff Lee used up one of his few pitched like butt games last night."

(Photo: Ron Cortes, Philly.com)

Saturday, April 20, 2013

One Sentence Recap - 4/19/13 vs. Cardinals/Evil



LOSERS = NEUTRALIZED

"It was a great night all around for the good guys."

Getty



So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (4.19.13 v. the Cardinals)



Let us go back in time: little ZWR sits at his desk in his fine little neighborhood parochial school, looking adorable in his clip-on plaid tie, and his teacher (we'll call her Miss Poopypants) draws his attention from doodling when she says, "rain happens when God cries, so don't do anything to make him upset." Instantly his hand shoots up. "Couldn't those be tears of joy, Miss Poopypants?" We have one of our standard debates, and shortly thereafter I'm sent to see our principal, Father Donkeybutt. 

VINDICATION came last night, Poopypants!!! 

Another scene: Roy Halladay is, unsurprisingly, battling. From it's infancy, this season for Halladay has been rife with doubts, and now at its latest point-- the seventh inning of an April evening affair with the St. Louis Cardinals (who just so happen to represent one of the most soul-crushing moments in recent team history)-- an opportunity for validation of those concerns has seemingly presented itself. Roy surrenders a home run to Matt Holliday. He has labored to throw strikes, an offshoot of mechanical concerns. His pitch count is creeping up. Beltran and Craig are going to come to the plate. Might this get ugly? No. It might not. 

Harry Leroy Halladay III ends the inning without giving up another hit. He's now gone seven innings and given up TWO HITS. Philadelphia rejoices, rightfully. Our hero just did something heroic. And then what happens? The skies open up. Roy Halladay didn't just make up happy, last night. He made God erupt into tears of joy.

AP

Friday, April 19, 2013

One Sentence Recap - 4/18/13 vs. Cardinals



Mayberry slip gif smdh
Yep.
Failing to draw a walk for the fourth consecutive game, the Phillies still managed 13 hits, AND got the tying run to third with no outs in the bottom of the ninth inning before losing.

Photo by Yong Kim / Philly.com
[see also]



Thursday, April 18, 2013

BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA STEALS JONATHAN PAPELBON'S GUNS



Most of you probably LOL'd when Jonathan Papelbon said:
"Today's day and age has gotten so crazy, everything. You know, all this stuff going on. Shoot, man, Obama wants to take our guns from us and everything, you've got this kind of stuff going on. It's a little bit insane for me."
Well, it turns out Paps was right-- Obama really did try to take his guns!

Check the exclusive, definitive, inarguable proof:

WATCH OUT! HE'S BEHIND YOU!

POTUS 44 WITH THE REAL SAVE!!!! THANKS, OBAMA.




One Sentence Game Recap - 4/17/13 vs. Reds



"It's a difficult feat to lose two major league baseball games in one four-hour span by a combined margin of 10, but the 2013 Phillies managed to do so, rather convincingly."

AP Photo
This series was so bad that this is the most exciting photo I could find

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Michael Martinez Injury Update



Still de--

--WHOA, WAIT WHATTTTT:

Via @MisterTug and his blog Ballgamers


Pawtucket Minor League Announcer Says Phillies Are Behind the Times



I'm by no means a sabremetrician, and this bolg doesn't really exist to discuss serious, "real" topics about the Philadelphia Phillies.

HOWEVER, when your favorite baseball team's mode of operation is so widely regarded as being outdated that even opposing minor league announcers are openly commenting on it, and when your major league team is near the bottom of the league in most offensive categories, AND said team just forced you to watch nine straight innings in which they didn't score a run, it tends to grab your attention.

Here's Steve Hyder of the Pawsox Radio Network:



Thanks to @MisterTug, formerly of the glory known as TheFightins.com, for the YouTube video, via his blog Ballgamers.com. Trust me, you guys should all follow him on Twitter and in general stay up-to-date with what this guy is doing. OKAY?

One Sentence Game Recap - 4/16/13 vs. Reds



"Like, literally, nothing happened."

AP

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

An Analysis of That Picture of "The Catch" By Ben Revere



By now you've all seen the video and/or gif of Ben Revere's other-worldly catch last night versus the Reds. But I think there's one really important thing no one is talking about, and that's THE PEOPLE IN THE BACKGROUND OF THIS PHOTO:

Frank Victores-USA TODAY Sports (but I saw it on the 700 Level!!!)
  1. What on earth is this lady doing? Here’s a listing of birds common to the state of Ohio. A flock of Dark-Eyed Juncos better have been flying overhead precisely at this exact moment, or she’s banned for life.
  2. “Bro, I got these shades for 40% off at the Sunglass Hut factory store. Only paid $179 total--not including the tax (thanks Obama)--can you believe it?”
  3. “Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow”
  4. Finally! Someone who gets it. She realizes Revere’s about to make an impossible catch and dash her hopes! Also, she probably hates her family/friends.
  5. The last fleeting moments of optimism...
  6. Focus. A strong couple. I imagine they‘ll be married for life and create a whole litter of average looking, but highly baseball obsessed, Cincinnati Reds fans. I’ll bet their kids (named Sabo, Larkin, and Marge, respectively) will be told bedtime stories about the playoff game where “the Phillies got lucky” and Jay Bruce let a “routine fly ball” drop that “totally got lost in the lights”, but how it marked the beginning of “the new golden era” of Reds baseball. They’ll conveniently leave out anecdotes pertaining to a certain right handed ace’s willful domination of said team in his first playoff start.
  7. Oooooooooooooooooh
  8. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
  9. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
    Pretty sure that’s three generations of lovely ladies having nearly the same exact reaction to the play at hand. GIVE THEM FRONT ROW TICKETS AND MOVE THOSE OTHER MERP DERPS BACK! Well, all except for ...
  10. In your face, dorkus. Fist pump this!

FYI this post is approved by Ben Revere:



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