Wednesday, July 31, 2013

BREAKING ZWR EXCLUSIVE: 2013 Trade Deadline Happenings (Phils)



NOTHING YET

Chip R. Kelly Believes We Can Fly




H/T @Cranekicker

Chip Kelly Kapowski is Your Every Fantasy





Also hat/tip to @Cranekicker for this idea because he's the one that came up with the utterly brilliant yet terrifying CHIP KELLY CLARKSON:

missin you, Craney

7/30/13 vs. Giants - One Sentence Recap



"It's still fun to watch baseball in the summer, especially when your team wins."

Getty 

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

BREAKING DEADLINEPALOOZA 2013 NEWS




YOUNG SHOE MAY NOT DROP. BREAKING. FLUID SITUATION. STAY TUNED.

BREAKING DEADLINEPALOOZA 2013 NEWS




CODY ASCHE - PROMOTED!!!
Next shoe to drop expected to be Michael Young. Stay tuned.


BACHCAP FINALE PART ONE


No time for intros it's Zoo and Evan let's do this thing eleventy-thousand word style 

“Oh No He Didn’t!” Moment of the Ep
ZWR: Brooks! Oh no he didn’t!

EVSTER: Drew cheating at limbo! Oh no he didn’t!

Line of the Night by My Wife
ZWR: (After Brooks dumped Des): “Wasn’t Chris supposed to be the one who was there to hug her when bad things happened?” BOOM!



Monday, July 29, 2013

*smDh*


I've been watching this on a loop for 25 minutes and I don't know whether I want to punch my monitor or keep laughing. 


BREAKING: Eagles Working on Kickoffs at Training Camp


zOMG yes please our favorite play is going to be back!!!

Original Photo by Matt Lombardo
Man I love special teams.

7/28/13 vs. Tigers - One Sentence Recap



"Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

AP Photo

Sunday, July 28, 2013

7/27/13 vs. Tigers - One Sentence Recap



"Oh wait, Michael Martinez is starting in center field-- it can get worse."

Getty

7/26/13 vs. Tigers - One Sentence Recap



"Lost again, doesn't get much worse than this."


Saturday, July 27, 2013

BREAKING ZWR EXCLUSIVE: Phils Sign Cuban Guy


As first reported by zoowithroy.com, the Phillies have come to an agreement with Cuban defector Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez ("Mio Gonzalez", see below the jump). The 26 year old pitcher's deal could be worth upwards of $59M, and his arrival in Philadelphia could come as soon as August. While this addition will do little to remedy this debacle of a season, it is kind of cool to have someone who escaped a country on the roster.

GETTY

Friday, July 26, 2013

7/25/13 vs. Cardinals - One Sentence Recap



"We only scored one run and got swept by the Cardinals, but at least John Mayberry Jr. didn't embarrass himself."


Thursday, July 25, 2013

ZWR Exclusive: 2013 Phillies Yearbook Video Cover!



An exclusive ZWR source inside of the Phillies' marketing and PR department has revealed the image below to be a fairly late-stage draft of this year's annual yearbook video.

The source did not indicate why the team had begun producing the artwork for a season recap video before the trade deadline, when the team was still very much in contention, and at a time when general manager Ruben Amaro, Jr. was looking to "add a few key pieces to help us in the playoffs."




LOLPHILS



To say things haven't gone swimmingly since the All-Star break would be an understatement. But there have been some positive moments the past week, so let's revisit those: 


7/24/13 vs. Cardinals - One Sentence Recap



"Dude they stunk and embarrassed themselves but at least we all got to laugh at this did I mention DELMON YOUNG HIT CLEANUP?!?!?!"

From Matt Gelb's Twitter (I think)

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Sarge Matthews Matter of Factly States His Views on Ryan Braun




Last night during the broadcast, McCarthy and Matthews were chewing the fat on a variety of mundane topics, trying to create something that passes for witty banter, as they normally do. But things got interesting when T-Mac prompted ol' Sarge with a question about pile of poop Ryan Braun and his recent suspension for the rest of the season for being a arrogant pile poop cheater.

Well as luck would have it, 2013 ZWR Bolg Ring of Honor inductee Ryan Petzar took the liberty of transcribing Sarge's response with his pirated copy of 2004 Word Perfect for Windows Millennium Edition, and as you can see it's...well, just read it...

7/23/13 vs. Cardinals - One Sentence Recap



"Oh hey look we lost again cool."

AP Photo

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Breaking ZWR Exclusive: Brian Wilson- the People React



BREAKING ZWR EXCLUSIVE: Justin DeFratus Hates You and Your Generation


Uh-oh. Maybe could have understood until I got to "priorities", bro. 


Ummmmmmm... I mean ... but ...


Lindsey with the knock-out punch!

BACHCAPS: The Men Tell ... ALL!


Evan and I intentionally took the last two weeks off from BACHCAPPING™ so that we could build up our stamina and come at you fools with an epic BACHCAP® . The following will not disappoint. Frankly, if you are disappointed then you're a total doof and I'm banning you from both my bolg and TVMWWMVEVW and you can go screw.

Best Performance by a Plumber
ZWR: When Mikey the plumber almost slapped the figure-four leg lock on hashtag Casey. Why didn’t he do it? Oh, better yet: what if he pulled a giant wrench out from his dress slack hem and twisted his head with it? Now that would have been must see TV!

Pink, V-Neck, Pocket
THE EVSTER: Forget about Casey’s head getting twisted or the blood spewing all over the place how hilarious would it be to just see a guy with a giant wrench?

ZWR: That was the joke, dummy. Thanks for making me explain it... that always adds to the humor. Go on...

Monday, July 22, 2013

7/19/13 - 7/21/13 vs. M_ts - One Sentence Series Recap



"We scored like eleventeen runs in the first few innings and then it all went to butt."




Thursday, July 18, 2013

ROY HALLADAY: THE REAL





Please stop what you're doing and go read this interview @FanSince09 did with THE IRON SHEIK.

It includes the following exchange between Mr. 09 and Mr. Sheik:
Lighting Round:  I’m going to list the name of some prominent Philadelphia entertainers and athletes, and you tell me whether or not they’re The Real.  

Boys II Men
HALF AND HALF

Will Smith
THE REAL

Roy Halladay
THE REAL

Donovan McNabb
THE VIRGIL

Coal Hammels
HE NO GOOD JABRONI PUNK. I DON’T LIKE HIM I DON’T RESPECT HIM BECAUSE HE THINK HE BIG DEAL I CAN BREAK HIS NECK PUT HIM IN CAMEL CLUTCH MAKE HIM HUMBLE.  F THE COAL HAMMELS

I mean, we all already knew that Roy was THE REAL, but third party validation is always clutch.

HEY SPEAKING OF CLUTCH, SARGE, the article also includes a photoshop of the Nasty Boys with cheesesteaks by yours truly, and this gem:


[SERIOUSLY JUST GO READ IT.]



Michael Martinez Injury Update: ESPYs Edition


Still dead.


Wednesday, July 17, 2013

YES PLEASE DESEAN JACKSON + SNOOP DOGG RAP VIDEO YES PLEASE



This is exactly what you needed today-- DeSean Jackson's new rap video featuring Snoop Dogg!!



THAT ICE COLD RECEIVER GOT THEM MONEY BAGS LIKE I'M FREEZIN

Cliff Lee v. Clint Eastwood


Gordon was in the MLB Fan Cave last year and was way too funny for it and made this and sent it to me and zOMG yes please shut up and just watch:

Wait What- Royal Tea Party?


ZWR enthusiast EsteBOMB brought to my attention a rather ... interesting ... promotion the Phils are running for their September 6 game against the Barves. For $55 (each), up to four of you get some grub and a game ticket, your kid gets a tiara and a wand, the grown-ups get a knit cap, and Miss America will talk to you about the importance of education and community service. Oh, and Phoebe Phanatic will be there!!!

I don't have the energy to calculate if it's a good deal or not, but it doesn't seem like the worst thing ever.



Pro tip to the Phillies: This would have been a gangbuster if you went with princesses instead of Miss America but I realize there were probably corporate relationships at play in planning this promotion. Just file that away for next time. 

CLIFF LEE DEATH STARE VIA PHILLY DOT COM VIA SB NATION VIA A FOX CAMERA VIA UR BUTT





Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Michael Martinez Injury Update: All-Star Break


Still dead.


My Ben Revere Dream


Good morning, kids. So last night I had this dream that it was six to eight weeks from now, the afternoon of Ben Revere's first game back. Folks were already excited, what with the Phils in the midst of a historic Fall surge that had seen them already overtake the Braves for first place, and Roy Halladay's second of back-to-back shutouts the night prior sent everyone over the top. We were doing this thing. And now, the star center fielder was returning. Good times. Then, all of a sudden, Twitter and the internet ASPLODED.

You see, while he was rehabbing, Revere went Salinger on us. Total recluse. Nobody got to see him, and his answers to questions from dorks like Zolecki and Murphy were done via text or phone call.

We're back to game day. Batting practice. A buzz overtakes the field. That's Ben Revere!


He turned into a total juice-head while he was rehabbing. The visual is great enough, but my favorite part (I have to give my dreaming self credit for this) was that in the immediate questioning from reporters Revere denied having undergone any sort of change. He just talked about the foot-- how he brought it along slowly, did some work in the pool, walked before running lightly before sprinting. He was totally nonchalant about the whole thing. Also, he was drinking a protein shake and eating a giant turkey leg while he did the session.

After it was over, in front of the utterly incredulous throng of reporters, Revere proceeded into the BP cage and hit the first five balls thrown to him into the deepest recesses of Ashburn Alley; the last soared majestically into the third deck.

"Feeling good!", he laughed.

That was my Ben Revere dream last night.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Esotericky Bottalico Weighs in on Strength



7/14/13 vs. White Sox - One Sentence Recap



"The Phillies won in extra innings after playing 37 of them against the lowly Chicago White Sox this weekend, and as we roll into the All-Star break with a .500 record it's full speed ahead the Ruben Amaro Big Budget Express."

AP Photo

Sunday, July 14, 2013

7/13/13 vs. White Sox - One Sentence Recap(s)



"We played 24 innings against the White Sox and each team scored six runs."

Peep the "Hi" shirt in row 3. Thanks Ryan!

Saturday, July 13, 2013

7/12/13 vs. White Sox - One Sentence Recap (featuring @dangerguerrero)



"Last night's game got postponed so let's all watch the November Rain video." 


HEY SPEAKING OF NOVEMBER RAIN, our good friend and ZWR staffer Danger Guerrero did an amazing analysis of this video and it's one of my favorite things ever so go read it. 

Friday, July 12, 2013

SHARKMARO (#SHARKMARO) - LIKE SHARE RETWEET



HE'S ON THE LOOSE!

A FORCE OF NATURE WITH MONEY TO BURN...AND A TASTE FOR SCRUBS!


HIS HUNGER FOR MEDIOCRITY WON'T BE SATIATED!

NO ONE IS SAFE!


ENOUGH SAID!

LIKE AND SHARE AND RETWEET! #SHARKMARO #SHARKMARO

HASHTAG NATITUDE - The World Reacts



7/11/13 vs. Nationals - One Sentence Recap



"I'll happily take three out of four against a guaranteed to run away with the division."

Getty

Thursday, July 11, 2013

ZWR NBA Insider Jacob's Free Agency Preview


ZWR NBA Insider Jacob can be found (and followed) on Twitter here. Past articles here, here, and here.

Free agency is usually one of the most exciting parts of the NBA offseason. This year has been no different. Part of this is because of all the big moves being made, and part of it is because Chris Broussard just keeps making sh*t up to keep us guessing. Thanks, Chris! Keep up the good work!



7/10/13 vs. Nationals - One Sentence Recap




"At least, chances are, you didn't get drilled in the face with a line drive homerun ball."

ROIDFACE (AP Photo)

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Dude Gets Drilled in Face with Home Run


Watching Anthony Rendon hit that bomb stunk... but at least it didn't smash you in the face!




UPDATED WITH GIF THAT'S WAY BETTER THAN MY IPHONE RECORDING MY DVR WHILE THE WAAAAAAH SCREAMS IN BABY MONITOR IN THE BACKGROUND 

(h/t your fave MATHLETE BILL BAER he can bench press 350 pounds)

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