Monday, September 30, 2013

Eagles Week Four Report Card


Eagles Report Card ombudsman Crane Kicker asked that preface today's with his assessment: "Eagles Stink". Thanks CK! On to it, then! 

Quarterback
ZWR: We went out for brunch at a Mexican place with our neighbors yesterday. It was a great time. The kids had smoothies, the adults had margaritas, the food was excellent. What a great start to my Sunday. Grade: Yummy

DG: eagles suck draft manziel



Eagles Unveil Visual Starting Roster for Week 5



Burnt to a crisp, yo.


Rich Dubee and Greg Gross Discuss Autumn


For those of you who love weather discussions and/or enjoyed this or this.

"How about this Fall weather?"

"Man, it's beautiful!"

"I know, right? Some of them maples starting to yellow."

Eagles v Broncos Pictoral Recap



Sunday, September 29, 2013

WAIT WHAT Go Eagles?


They're sure having some fun over there at NovaCare...

Saturday, September 28, 2013

A Teenager's Mediocre Gambling Picks - Week 4!!!


Remember, these are not for amusement purposes only; we want you to actually wager with your money. Like, with a bookie and piles of cash. Don't let the man tell you there's something wrong with it, either. He just wants you to buy into HIS scams like the lottery and personal property tax and funding the stadiums these teams you can't bet on play in and crap like that. Another reminder, our expert here just started college this month and got the gig by being funny on Twitter so do with that as you may, but be sure to gamble illegally on the street. 

Last Week: I went 8-7-1 ATS but had a disappointing week straight-up, only going 8-8. This brings my totals to the year to 20-26-2 ATS and 30-18 straight up. To the picks we go! Home team in CAPS.

San Francisco 23, ST. LOUIS (+3.5) 20. Already got this one wrong spread-wise. Thought the Niners were too banged up coming off a rough loss. Forgot Sam Bradford was awful. It happens.


Thursday, September 26, 2013

Braves Acting Like Butts


Color me surprised the Braves organization acted like a bunch of whiny babies last night after Carlos Gomez stuck it to Paul Maholm. I'm sure you all remember back to last summer, when one of their donkeybutt minor league pitchers proceeded to (a) get into a screaming match with Kevin Frandsen during his at bat and while he was in the dugout, (b) give up a 897 foot home run to Dom Brown, (c) get offended just because Brown may or may not have done a 45-foot bat flip while flying around the bases like an airplane, and (d) drill cordial, mild-mannered turkey bacon spokesman Eric Kratz with a flat, sluggish fastball. Here, watch it yourself.



Stay classy, the Braves. 

Cloydy With a Chance of Meatballs




I mean, I guess someone had to. I think?

HAHAHAHAHA get it

For Immediate Release: Book/Serially Published Face-Breaker Story Pitch


I had a dream last night that the Nag and I went on vacation to a Caribbean resort. You know the type, a generic all-inclusive with generic white people drinking rum runners and going snorkeling and making dinner reservations for the steakhouse five nights earlier than they really should. Great fun, an escape, mimosas, whatevs. ANYWAY, so we check in and I immediately change and head down to the beach. I throw my towel and shirt onto the chair (settle down, the ladies) and walk out into the water, only as I get out about waist deep I see a set of eyes barely breaking the surface and looking straight at me. Not just at me, but into my soul. Still, I take another sip of my drink. Then I return to panic, but before I get all the way there A GIANT ANACONDA LAUNCHES ITSELF AT ME.

Now I suspect you have some questions by now:
1. Did you put on sunscreen? (Yes, sprayed it on in the room)
2. Do they have anacondas in the Caribbean resort islands? (Beats me bro go ask Survivorman)
3. Can Anacondas launch their entire bodies out of the water (I'm pretty sure they can)

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

BREAKING: READ THIS NOW


Stop working or watching your kid or paying attention in class or teaching a stupid class or going to the doctor for that matter everyone just STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING and read ***this article*** by the illustrious Dan McQuade right now.

Whattup Hipster?

A sampling:
When Juan Castro spun and threw to first for the final out, we had our perfect game. Roy Halladay gave us that. He gave us that a lot of nights. He made us forget that the Phillies are a team of nine strangers who happen to regularly play a stupid game in South Philly.
You hardly ever saw Roy Halladay smile. It’s funny, because he sure made Phillies fans want to.

That's craftsmanship with the written word right there, people! No wonder Bill Simmons wants to give him a Pulitzer.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Oh No


I come downstairs from putting the WAHs to bed last night and there are elventynine tweets and texts asking if I'm okay and I immediately think, "Oh no." It looks like it really may be that bad.

Getty Images

Monday, September 23, 2013

Awesome Emma Interviews Gregg Murphy (Video) !!!


As you all know by now, Awesome Emma is easily the best journalist in Philadelphia and the surrounding areas. Her interviews-- whether a formal sit-down with a world-famous superstar or out on the red carpet--  are known throughout the industry for being fair yet hard-hitting.

Recently, she met with Phils reporter Gregg Murphy to cover a range of topics from the team's broadcasters to pets to Murph's charitable efforts to Harry Kalas (love you forever Harry you're the best). Check it out after the jump!

ohai

Saturday, September 21, 2013

A Teenager's Mediocre Gambling Picks- Week 3!!!


by GoingHard_inger

Last Week: It didn’t get posted because Zoo was too busy drinking mimosas on the beach for like eleventy days but I improved on my pitiful Week 1 showing, going 8-8 ATS and 12-4 SU, bringing my totals to 12-19-1 ATS and 22-10 SU on the year. On to the Week 3 picks! Home team in caps.

PHILADELPHIA (-3) 31, Kansas City 27. Big Red gets loud cheers when he’s announced, the Donnie Mac jersey retirement ceremony goes smoothly, and the Chiefs have a 27-17 lead in the 4th quarter before the Eagles score 2 TDs as Kansas City fails to run the ball to take time off the clock. There is much rejoicing in Philadelphia.

San Diego (+3) 27, TENNESSEE 20. Not sold on the whole “Jake Locker as a favorite thing”, especially against a team that has looked shockingly competent thus far (go screw, Phillip Rivers and Eddie Royal).

MINNESOTA (-6) 20, Cleveland 9. LOL.

NEW ENGLAND 23, Tampa Bay (+7) 20. Tampa Bay has found ways to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in Weeks 1 and 2, and the Pats have played 2 close games and failed to cover as large favorites in Weeks 1 and 2. More of the same this week.

Houston (-2.5) 27, BALTIMORE 20. Baltimore got blown out by the Broncos in Week 1 and could only put up 14 points on the Browns last week. I don’t love laying points against Baltimore at home, but I think the Texans are a good team and their defense should be able to stifle the Ravens’ offense.

DALLAS (-4) 24, St. Louis 17. Boring game that sees Dez Bryant do Dez Bryant things for Dallas.

NEW ORLEANS (-7) 31, Arizona 20. New Orleans is going to come out firing at home after eking out a win in Tampa that was much closer than it should have been. Arizona’s coming off a big win and traveling. Plus, the Saints’ defense has gotten a lot of pressure thus far in the season.

Detroit (+2.5) 31, WASHINGTON 27. Calvin Johnson against the Redskins secondary. Not comfortable laying points with the Skins right now.

Green Bay (-2.5) 30, CINCINNATI 24. Only thing that scares me about this is the potential for Geno Atkins to wreak havoc against a suspect Green Bay line. But I’m of the firm belief that any time you can lay less than 3 points with Aaron Rodgers or a QB of similar caliber, you take the opportunity.
New York Giants (+1) 24, CAROLINA 20. Virtual must-win for the Giants at 0-2 with Kansas City, the Birds, and Chicago on the horizon. Carolina’s secondary is in shambles and they can’t win close games.

Atlanta (+2.5) 27, MIAMI 24. Getting 2.5 points with Matt Ryan? Why thank you!

SAN FRANCISCO 27, Indianapolis (+10) 20. Strong backdoor cover potential with this one.

SEATTLE (-19.5) 31, Jacksonville 3. Basically, if the Seahawks score 3 TDs they’ll cover the spread. Quite frankly, projecting the Jags to score as many points in Seattle as the Niners did last week seems generous. This is your survivor pick if you’re into that sort of thing.

Buffalo (+2.5) 19, NEW YORK JETS 13. Not comfortable with the whole “laying points with Geno Smith” thing yet. Give me some time.

Chicago (-2.5) 23, PITTSBURGH 13. Looks like this is the year things go sideways for the Steelers. Everyone looks slow and old and no one can block.

DENVER (-15) 38, Oakland 17. Peyton Manning and his robot neck will destroy all of us.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Eagles Week 3 Report Card (SPOILER: F-)


Hey there kids, the gang is back this week to review last night's craptavaganza. Let's get to it, I guess?


Jesus Jazz Hands Break-Out Post (h/t @dhm)


From darling Dan McQuadewho already won the internet with THIS Rocky training expose, Avant's amazing catch. 


Thursday, September 19, 2013

Remembering Andy Reid's Greatest Moment


Andy Reid had many accomplishments as head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles: Eight NFC East titles, five NFC Championship Game appearances, an NFC Championship win, a Super Bowl appearance, drafting the franchise's most prolific quarterback, and-- generally-- establishing the Iggles as one of the NFL's most consistently formidable teams. But I'm pretty sure that THIS was the highlight of the Andy Reid era...

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Esotericky Bottalico Checks In



So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (9.17.13 v. the Marlins)


I'm not about to get into what last night's start could have been. I mean, at some point you could have been an astronaut, but we all know how that turned out (well, except for this donkey) don't we? Last night was a night for the good guy. The one who kept swinging (not at the plate he stinks there but whatevs). The one who could have hid behind surgery, but didn't. The one who stood out there front and center while everyone spoke of what he used to be and never would be again, as if his outings to end this season were charity. Charity. To the guy who back when-- when the notion would have been laughable-- asked for less just to wear the red pinstripes, and never turned down the chance to battle for them.
Ron Cortes, Philly.com 

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Super Pumped Marlins Fan Guy Checks In


Last night's game wasn't just exciting for us Phils fans. Our old buddy @anostro-- a.k.a. SUPER PUMPED MARLINS FAN GUY-- really enjoyed it, too!!!

I know how you feel, bro. CLIFF LEE rules. 


9/16/13 vs. Marlins - One Sentence Recap



"Chase Utley hit a bomb and Cliff Lee dominated both on the mound and at the plate and Dom Brown ASPLODED their catcher's face and then the Marlins brought in ARCHIMEDES!!!"

Yong Kim, Philly.Com

Photo: Michael Young


Monday, September 16, 2013

Eagles Week 2 Report Card, Featuring Everyone


Hey kids, we're back!!! Well, most of us. Bobby Big Wheel spent his day watching the Giants get whooped and Craney is still a blog/Twitter Salinger. 



Michael Vick doing something

Quarterback

The Evster: I should probably open up by saying that I currently have some inflammation around the sac of my heart and am on a whole bunch of prescription pain killers so at some point during this post I might just start making a grocery list or talking about butterflies. But as for now lemme tell ya that Michael Vick sure can throw a football far and I love him even though he killed all those dogs and oh hey look at all these pretty colors what a wonderful world we live in.  Grade: B+ (It’s not Mike’s fault the Eagles defense eats a fat one.)

***LONG LOST*** Eagles Week ONE Report Card (@dangerguerrero, @goinghard_inger, @bobbybigwheel, @tvmww)


I thought they were kidding but these donkeys really made one while I was on vacation, after the Redskins game!

Quarterback
The Evster: I had to watch last night’s game with my buddy’s stupid one-year-old son and I could not pay attention to one goddamn play in that first half. Between the massive amount of boogers hanging out of the kid’s nose and his insistence on playing this game where he’d offer me a grape, only to pull it back from me at the last moment and shove it in his own dumb face, I missed pretty much every laser thrown by Vick including his touchdown pass to Desean. Silver lining: at one point late in the second quarter, the kid took a tumble and almost smashed his face into the coffee table, which caused me to let out a whispered “yessss” and give a little fist pump, even though I’m 95% sure his mom caught me. Luckily, I covered up for it by saying, “Wow, great throw by Vick there,” but I’m pretty sure the Redskins had the ball at the time and we might’ve actually been watching the US Open.
Grade: A for the first half, Snoozeville for the second.


Bobby Big Wheel: Hahahahahhahaha Michael Vick tore apart that shitty Redskins secondary.  GOOD THING YOU GOT 4 QUARTERBACKS THOUGH, REDSKINS!
Grade: A+++++

Sunday, September 15, 2013

One Sentence "While I Was on Vacation" Recap



"Eat it the Braves, whatever the Padres, suck a butt the Natinals, CHIP KELLY."

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Going Hardingererer's NFL Picks!


What’s up esteemed readers of Zoo With Roy dot com, the world’s most foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Roy Halladay? I’m Stephane Hardinger. You might remember me from elite posts such as Eagles-Panthers Running Diary and Eagles Week 6 Report Card – by Stephane “@GoingHard_inger” Hardinger. I’m back again this year for Zee Dub Arr giving my Hot Takes™® on the NFL, specifically making against both the spread and straight-up. It's worth noting that I am an 18 year old college freshman, and you should absolutely use these tips to gamble illegally. The NFL and moral dorks act like you shouldn't, but you totally should. BET AWAY, DONKEYS!!! Home teams in ALL CAPS, lines courtesy of VegasInsider.com.


Thursday, September 5, 2013

RG-3000 Shakes It Like an MRI Picture (Hey Ya)







_________________________________________________________________________________

My Shanny don't mess around
Because he loves me so
And this I know fo sho
But does he really wanna
He and Kyle can't stand to see me
Drop back to throw
Don't try to fight the feelin
Cause my broken knee is killing me right now
Thank god for Doc and dad
For sticking two together
Cause Mike don't know howwwwwwww

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (9.4.13 v. Natinals)


FACT: Roy Halladay had shoulder surgery this summer.

FACT: Phillies pitchers not named Roy Halladay surrendered 13 runs in 21 innings against the Natinals this series.

FACT: Roy Halladay surrendered one run in six innings against the Natinals this series. He also laid down a bunt that basically spurred the rally that landed our heroes their only runs of the game last night. You can't argue with facts, people, despite what the lazy, lame-stream media tries to tell you. Roy Halladay is best ever.

Yong Kim, Philly.com

"BUT ZWR WHAT WAS THE LINE? I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW TELL ME ZEEE DUBBB ARRRR CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW!!!"

Sure: 6 IP, 3 H, 1 R, 5 K (3C/2SC), 2 dorks PLUNK'D. Awesome, right? Would have had the win, too, if not for our super awesome bullpen. Ohwellz.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

9/2/13 vs. Natinals - One Sentence Recap



"LOL #Natitude"

Original Photo by David Maialetti/Philly.com

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