Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Roy Halladay Named I Want to Go to the Zoo With Roy Halladay's 2014 Man of the Year



For all that happened during 2014 (and there was a lot), it will undoubtedly be remembered for one singular, face-breaking event: Roy Halladay going to the zoo with a handsome, witty, intelligent, charming, dashing, handsome, lovable bolgger. Paired with everything else Halladay accomplished during the year (joining Twitter and instantly winning our hearts, piloting solo flights, promoting charity, coaching little league, penning a love letter to Chase Utley), it should come as no surprise that Harry Leroy Halladay III has, once again, been selected as Zoo With Roy’s Man of the Year*! 

NOTE: STILL HAS A NASTY HOOK

Legacy is a tricky thing, something that can topple-- or hollow-- as one reveals their true person in lieu of carrying out profession. It’s much simpler to garner favor for an output that stems from natural ability consumed as product than it is to build that legacy based on innate character and/or superlative actions. Roy Halladay became a cultural icon due to baseball, he remains a hero because he’s a great man.

This annum’s best, as it were.

* This marks Mr. Halladay's fifth consecutive ZWR MOTY Award. For a full history, please see: 
 


Monday, December 29, 2014

Eagles Week 17 Report Card


Welp, that was a season.

Quarterback
ZWR: FRANCHEZ had about 600 yards passing and also should have had like 13 turnovers moral of the story is who cares? Grade: Fuuuuuuuuu

DG: I slept through about 80% of this game because I was up late the night before and getting old is a process that almost literally saps life from your body as you are forced to sit back and watch helplessly. Solid nap, though. Woke up just in time to see one of Sanchez's touchdowns then went back to sleep. Grade: B

The Evster: The whole “Super Bowl or bust” mentality is so stupes. Be happy that for 15 out of 16 weeks, this team provided you with three hours of quality distraction from your clam chowder-filled life. This year, we got to witness half a season of Folesy moonballs and then NINE STRAIGHT WEEKS of Marf Sanchez. I thoroughly enjoyed every second. I also fell asleep during yesterday’s game. Grade: A forever


Tuesday, December 23, 2014

BREAKING ZWR EXCLUSIVE: Ursinus vs. Rosemont - Full Broadcast Now Available




Hey there kids. As you're well aware, The Evster and I were on the mic for this past Saturday's Ursinus vs. Rosemont (head coach: ZWR BFF Coach Hughes) NCAA basketball tilt, and we straight KILLED IT.

"Srsly, ZWR? It wasn't a train wreck?"

No!!! We really were great!

Thanks to the tremendous efforts of our boy Wags (who put this whole thing together ... and hasn't been fired yet), we now have ready access to video of the FULL GAME BROADCAST. I posted it to the ZWR YouTube channel, so stop whatever it is you're doing- work, buying a Christmas present for your mom, watching your dumb children, whatevs- and experience again this Instant Classic (no srsly it went to overtime and had a dunk) right now!

Embedded below if you're extra stupid lazy.

Monday, December 22, 2014

Eagles Week 16 Report Card (Spoiler: Sad)


Quarterback
ZWR: Oh man Franchez that last pick hurt so friggin’ hard but I can’t hold it against you. You did alright most of the game, and people make mistakes. Wait what. Grade: Meh, whatever.

Hardingererer: That last pick was absolutely brutal (me, my dad, and my older brother ditched a family Christmas dinner to watch the last couple minutes in the bar downstairs) but it was pretty fair all things considered when you remember that our season came down to us relying on Mark Sanchez for the last 7 games. Grade: sad

The Evster: I was actually pretty impressed that the Sanchinator was able to heave it to the end zone on that last hail mary. Nice job, Mark. Grade: A forever (so handsome)

Friday, December 19, 2014

Tony Romo and Jason Garrett Share a Moment


If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.










Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Eagles Week 15 Report Card (Plus a Big Announcement!)


A quick note from Danger Guerrero (I'm paraphrasing what he told me): I stink and am a lazy jerk and everyone should hate me for failing them.

Okay, on to the report card!!!

Quarterback
ZWR: Mark Sanchez blows. Grade: F

Hardingererer: Foles was bad when he played and Sanchez has been pretty bad as well but at least Foles was aggressively bad, you know? Like, he threw it more than 10 yards down the field once in a while and everything? Related: My friend tried to tell me Mark Sanchez was the Eagles’ QB of the future after the Thanksgiving game and he was ADAMANT about it. Jesus. Grade: D

The Evster: There were a couple plays where Mark Sanchez tried to evade the rush and just like, fell down. Like, he planted his foot in the ground, looked like he might do some sort of sweet jackknife spin move, and then just fell. There is nothing more embarrassing that having a quarterback who just falls. That said, nice-looking man. Grade: A forever



Monday, December 15, 2014

Eagles New Rallying Cry for 2014



We're from Philadelphia, and We Might.

Photo: cbssports.com


Thursday, December 11, 2014

Pat Gillick Sends Ruben Amaro Jr. to Detention



Found this exclusive insider photo of Ruben hard at work on the offseason plan:


h/t /bucky

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Farewell Jimmy


2,306 Hits
2,090 Games
887 RBI
479 Doubles
453 Stolen Bases
216 Home Runs
111 Triples
5 Division Championships
4 Gold Gloves
2 NL Pennants
1 MVP Award
1 World Championship

Thank you, Jimmy. You were arguably the face of an era... our era. We will always love you.



UPI Photo





Stay Swag.

Michael Martinez Injury Update - Taylor Swift at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show Edition (Warning: Underwear!!!)



Still dead.

Click to make it bigger (LOL get it?) 

Monday, December 8, 2014

Eagles Week 14 Report Card


Quarterback
ZWR: Mark Sanchez sucked but I’m not entirely sure it was all his fault. If we had Russell Wilson we’d go undefeated for the next five years. Grade: On to Dallas.

Hardingererer: No better example of what it’s like having a franchise QB vs. a mediocre one off the scrap heap. Grade: C-

DG: This was, kind of, and just let me have this one even if you think it’s insane because it is literally the only thing I have right now, pretty much an even game except for quarterback play. Russell Wilson is awesome and made plays on 3rd and a million, and Mark Sanchez is … less so and didn’t. Like ZWR said, not entirely his fault. It just would have been better if he was awesome. Grade: C-

The Evster: Every once in a while it helps to be reminded that Mark Sanchez can #suck #my #big #black #butt. Grade: A forever (so good-looking)

cbssports.com

Friday, December 5, 2014

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Sixers Win ... Become My BFF


I was thrilled for them to begin with (and am on board with their plan), but their love for the penguin put me over the top. Yes, I'm shameless.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Eagles Week Thanksgiving Report Card vs. Cowboys



Editor's note: DANGER GUERRERO COULD NOT PARTICIPATE THIS WEEK BECAUSE HE WAS TOO BUSY GETTING GREAT #CYBERMONDAY DEALS.




Quarterback
ZWR: OMG Mark Sanchez was amazing was that real life or a food coma and eleventy beers deep dream? Grade: A

Hardingererer: Mark Sanchez successfully kept the ball on a read-option play for a touchdown (!!) and pump-faked multiple defenders when he was roughly 7 yards past the line of scrimmage on another keeper (!!!) and it actually worked (!!!!!!). Nothing else matters. Grade: A+

In this here picture the Cowboy looks like he's kissing Mark Sanchez's butt

Doc Pizza: Ya boi Marky S looked like a straight up stud all day long, easily besting the man FOX referred to as Mr. November, Tony Romeo. His passes were perfect, his scrambles were spectacular and his dives were divine. Remember that Nick guy I all told you sucked? LMAO! Grade: Sweet potatoes with candied walnuts

The Evster: I don’t remember anything that happened in this game. Grade: A forever

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

The ZWR Play-by-Play Guide to Thanksgiving Day





5:45 - Get woken up by your stupid kid, give thanks for not having slept soundly in your own home for four years. 

5:47 - Fall back asleep. 

6:00 - Get woken up again because your wife hates you and demands coffee. 

6:01 - 7:59 - exist in sleep-deprived fugue state, engaging in as little conversation as possible. 

8:30 - Get guilted by your mom for first time. 

10:00 - Drink a shower beer. It’s what the pilgrims would want you to do. 

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Eagles Week 12 Report Card


Quarterback
ZWR: Mark Sanchez doesn’t always inspire confidence with his play, but his love of the chicken tenders always wins me back. I’m ride or die with Franchez, until the moment Nick Foles is able to return at which point eat away bro set up an omelet station for all I care. Grade: We Won

Getty Images


Monday, November 24, 2014

NFC East Owner's Boxes: A Quick Check-In


Steve Tisch making out with a 19 year old it's all good...



Jerry boozing while people clean his glasses obvi...


Daniel Snyder shamelessly rationalizing racism all seems right...



The Definitive Odell Beckham Jr. Catch Photoshop



LOL Giants


Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Eagles Week Eleven Report Card (SPOILER: F-)


Quarterback
ZWR: Mark Sanchez didn’t get hurt, and I consider that a victory in light of how that game played out. Everything was butt. So, so, so butt. Like, Butt City, USA. BUTT. Grade: Not injured.

Hardingererer: “He wasn’t horrible, but he wasn’t good either” is an appropriate description of the quarterback in at least 9 out of the 10 games the Eagles have played so far. Grade: D

The Evster: Absolute dreamboat matchup yesterday between Aaron “Roy” Rodgers and Mark “The Sanchinator” $anchez. My wife was locked in all game. My father on the other hand was not nearly as riveted.


Monday, November 17, 2014

Desean Jackson Standing By His Teammates


Interesting reaction after a disappointing loss yesterday...




In case you didn't click on the Instant Gram (WARNING: CURSE WORD AFTER THE JUMP):

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Eagles Week Ten Report Card


Quarterback
ZWR: Well you certainly have to be happy with that performance from Mark Sanchez. Of note, it was enjoyable to have our quarterback not throw the ball to the other team, or drop it while trying to slide. But it’s not all positive, kids. I got lots of “Sanchize” and “Dirty Sanchez” texts/emails/pages Monday night. Those two nicknames are SOOOO BAD. Don’t use them. That’s an order. Grade: A


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

The Ultimate Scorier Cuts a Promo




 I-- Mike McCarthy, hmmmmm.... I have a question, mmmmm, to answer your question.

As you, Mike McCarthy, travel to LAMBEAU by conventional means, the normals you travel with experience malfunctions. As you realize ALL THAT IS LEFT is total self-destruction, do you, Mike McCarthy, show self-pity? DO YOU, MIKE MCCARTHY, try to reason why? Do you, Mike McCarthy, try and comfort the normals that have even more fear than you? Or, do you, Mike McCarthy, kick the doors out? Kick the cockpit door down? Take the two pilots that have already made the sacrifice so that you can face this challenge. Dispose of them, Mike McCarthy. Assume the controls, Mike McCarthy. SHOVE THAT CONTROL INTO A NOSE DIVE, MIKE MCCARTHY! Push yourself to total self-destruction. AS YOU REALIZE, Mike McCarthy, you are about to enter a world close to Parts Unknown. Ah, smell it Scoriers. DO YOU, Mike McCarthy, look for a place to hide? Or do you, Mike McCarthy, face that challenge? That may be more powerful THAN EVEN YOU ARE, MIKE MCCARTHY! You, Mike McCarthy, must self-destruct. So that you will know, Mike McCarthy, who is… the chosen one. FOR MIKE MCCARTHY, I am not the chosen one that you speak of. 

I am not. 

I, Mike McCarthy, am the only one.

/fade to black

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Nerlens Noel, James Harden and a Llama [ANIMATED GIF]



Got this from one of my staff photographers who was at the game last night.

Heck of a play, yo.


Eagles Week Nine Report Card (vs. Texans)


Quarterback
ZWR: RIP Nick Foles look on the bright side you’re still young and rich and should be back for the stretch run if Mark Sanchez doesn’t own the city by then hear me out there’s an outside chance it is going to happen you can never doubt someone who eats chicken tenders on the sideline during a key intra-division prime time rivalry game. Grade: Chicken Tenders

Hardingererer: Foles won’t start for the Eagles again this season. Inexcusable decision by Sanchez to cut his dope headband flow. Grade: D (due to lack of flow)

DG: Do you realize how close we were to one of the greatest, most insane Philadelphia media weeks in recent history? If that pass doesn’t bound off of Josh Huff’s fingers and into a Texans defender’s hands, and Sanchez takes the team the rest of the way down the field for another touchdown, mere moments after Foles got pick-sixed on another underthrown off-balance lollipop made of equal parts bravado and naive hope, we would have had a full six days ahead of us of bozo callers calling bozo radio show hosts to have heartfelt, soul-searching conversations about the possibility of replacing the quarterback of a division-leading team with a man most famous for his involvement in a notorious play called “The Buttfumble.” It would have been magical. I’ll never forgive Josh Huff for taking this away from me. Grade: B (I wrote this before they announced the extent of Foles's injury. Please pretend I said something smart.)

(Getty Images)

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Congratulations!!!



(AP Photo / David J Phillip)

Congratulations to Hunter Pence on another World Series win as arguably the best position player on his team. Hey, while I'm here ...

Congratulations to Jarred Cosart on winning 13 games this season.

Congratulations to Jon Singleton on making the show, signing that long-term contract, and hitting 13 home runs in 95 games as a rookie.

Congratulations  to Domingo Santana on making the All-Star Futures Game (oops, I think I put that in by accident).


Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Eagles Week Eight Report Card


Quarterback
ZWR: Here’s an unsolicited suggestion for Nick Foles: throw a ball where you’re not falling backwards and/or sideways. In fact, step forward while you throw. Just try it once. Also, ignore what they say and just run a frigging quarterback sneak. Grade: Just try it.

Image via Jeff McLane

Saturday, October 25, 2014

ZWR Helps You with What to Wear this Weekend



"Mr. With Roy, I've got a huge weekend of sports watching ahead of me, most of which requires me to wear a shirt. As a purveyor of fashion forward apparel, could you kindly recommend some selections please? Kthnx." 


Surely. For tonight's Penn State v. Ohio State game you should go with "Video Game Penn State Guy":


Thursday, October 23, 2014

RIP Chris Kunitz (Murdered by a Kitty)



You just hate to see something like this happen.



BONUS: RKO!
I actually have no idea what RKO is but everyone said they wanted it and Fake Lavy made this Vine enjoy:



If you like making fun of the Penguins as much as I do, you might also enjoy this ZWR Photoshop Classic.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

The Best Athlete Ever Named Nazr in Philadelphia History



ZWR and Evan's Sports Annals Present the Official Ranking of the Best Athlete Ever Named Nazr in Philadelphia History

by ZWR & The Evster
 
Past installments in this series can be found here, here, here, and here

Screenshot courtesy of basketball-reference.com

There have been many 76ers from the University of Kentucky. Almost all of them have had names. But only one captured the hearts of the Philadelphia fanbase while also being named Nazr.


Way more after the "jump!"

Monday, October 20, 2014

Thursday, October 16, 2014

BREAKING EXCLUSIVE: Eagles Team Photo Now in the Museum of Art!



You know a team is popular when its quick-minded coach can make a simple joke about their hastily shot team photo not being a work of art, and then the actual major curator of art in that city goes ahead and displays that exact photo in their hallowed halls for social media daps.


Boom. Great work all around.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

It's Official: The New York Giants HATE America



Earlier today a Facebook reader provided this photo of basically the entire NY Giants roster blocking the pathway of the heroic men and/or women providing the color guard before Sunday Night's total annihilation.

A disgusting, classless, downright America-hating act, I'd say:

Click for maximum bigness or if you want to do your own analysis

Naturally I immediately sent this photo off to my forensics lab for detailed analysis so that we might identify these evil-doers and rightfully shame them publicly. Here's what they came back with:
  1. #38 Trumaine McBride - he's probably backing up in this photo for maximum impedence to our freedoms
  2. Anonymous commie scab pig "coach" - probably not even a real coach, just a plant from the Illuminati to destroy the nationalistic fiber of our once great country. Or maybe he taught Tiki Barber how to be a scumbag. But really, the Giants, good thing you employ this man to teach your players proper habits. 
  3. Scab pig player who is really tall and who's number starts with 8-. I don't want to recklessly speculate, and I want to assume it's Larry Donnell since he made me lose in fantasy football a couple weeks ago, but he didn't wear long sleeves for the game. Nor did Rueben Randle or Daniel Fells. Preston Parker is short. That leaves either Adrien Robinson or Corey Washington. Both seem capable of this deplorable behavior.
  4. #29 Michael Cox (YEAH HE IS)
  5. Assistant Mullet Coach, Mullet McGee (possibly Larry Izzo). Nice hair, guy.
  6. Plaxico Burress - known felon. Or whichever guy isn't Number 3.


AND THERE'S MORE!
The same heroic Facebook reader also provided this picture of Charlie the Hero, proving once and for all that the NY Daily News is a sensationalist, scab pig organization hell bent on destroying our country from the inside:

Don't let them drag you down, Charlie. We know the real truth.



Charlie May Be an Even Bigger Hero Than We Think


We all saw the debacle of a cover from the New York Daily News yesterday that tried to portray Eagles employee Charlie as celebrating Victor Cruz's injury. Most recognized it as crap, and noted how Charlie actually was praying for Cruz once he realized the receiver was hurt. I even made a face-breaking photoshop to mock the absurdity of it all:

omg ZWR you rule

Well, here's some more info that hints at just how good of a guy he is. According to this caller to the Jon and Sean Show (go to the 1:51 mark) Charlie

TOOK A WEEK-LONG LEAVE OF ABSENCE FROM WORK TO VOLUNTEER IN NEW YORK CITY AFTER SEPTEMBER 11

I'll try to get some more info on this, but I wanted it out there because what that newspaper did to this man is wrong.

Eagles Week Six Report Card


Quarterback
ZWR: If you take away those two frighteningly inexcusable gift-wrapped pick sixes that could have swung the game if the Giants capitalized then I think Nick Foles looked okay. Grade: B

LOL sick burn

Friday, October 10, 2014

The Eagles Suit Up for Sunday Night Football






Interior, Lincoln Financial Field, Sunday Night...


Hey everyone, it’s game time! 

Let’s put on these sweet new all black uniforms!

Sweeeeet!!!

Eagles Double Feature + PUMP UP VIDEOS



Thanks to ZWR enthusiast Ben G. for the source material


BONUS PUMP UP VIDEOS:





Thursday, October 9, 2014

The New York Giants - Good at Math



Ummm...


Comprehensvie Opponent Profile: Eli Manning, NY Giants



Scouting Profile: Manning, E.

Position: QB 

Know for: being not Peyton, throwing near-historic volume of interceptions, miraculously winning Super Bowls on throws dumber and worse than the ones you used to make playing two-hand touch in the Mummers Museum parking lot only Jay and Stash couldn't catch with the sides of their heads, having a ridiculous face

Projected stats vs. Eagles secondary before this post: 372 yards passing, 4 touchdowns, 1 interception, over/under 1.5 total sackfaces

Projected stats vs. Eagles secondary after this post: 649 yards passing, 82 yards rushing, 6 touchdowns, 2 interceptions, over/under 1.5 total sackfaces  

Tattoos: "Thug Life" across abdomen (recently inked in Comic Sans?);  poorly drawn "pectoral" portrait of Giants scrub David Tyree with caption "My Boo"




OOOOOH ZWR THAT'S SO FUNNY I CAN CRY!!!


RIP David Wilson now playing Calvinball in the sky

BONUS PROMOTIONAL CONTENT: don't forget to pick up an EAGLES TRASH CAN (!) from your friendly neighborhood e-commerce behemoth



Wednesday, October 8, 2014

My Favorite Photo from This Morning's Eclipse



As you are well aware, the NASA engineer who landed Curiosity on Mars is a huge Zoo With Roy fan. I've cultivated this relationship with Allen, and on occasion call in a favor. This morning was one of those times-- I asked for some super high-res, perfect conditions type photos of the lunar eclipse. Man, he didn't disappoint.

Check for yourself:

Nature can be so humbling.

Week Five Report Card and Giants Week Six Preview


Hey kids ZWR here sorry for the delay I was traveling on Monday and didn’t get the Google Doc out to the team until Tuesday morning I’ve got to do a better job there and put the team in a better position to win. Since we're so close to the next game we decided to fold in an exhaustive preview of the Giants. Time’s yours. 


Quarterback
ZWR: That Nick Foles slide/dive/doofbomb gave me as much pause as any missed throw or bad read during the game. I mean, this man is paid to be a professional athlete and he couldn't just slide in a big open field without tipping over and dropping the football and then getting his arm caught backwards behind the back of his head! TBQH it was pretty funny. Grade: DOOFBOMB

DG: Nick Foles might be the least athletic professional athlete I’ve ever seen, non-baseball division. Did you know he has more combined fumbles and interceptions than touchdowns so far this year? That’s a stat! I looked it up and everything! Take that, Paul Krugman. Grade: C

Hardingererer: The Eagles are 4-1. There’s a very defensible argument to be made to start Mark Sanchez. Both of these things are true. Grade: C-

The Evster: After Rex Ryan benched his starting quarterback on Sunday, I fully expected his backup to leap over six guys and throw a 74-yard touchdown pass to an actual jet on the very first play. After the first series -- which consisted of a handoff, a sack, and an incomplete pass to the Special Teams Coordinator -- I began to understand why Nick Foles is our quarterback. Grade: B-

Doc Pizza: haha you guys didn’t listen. You REFUSED to listen. I told you Nick Foles stunk and you called me an idiot. “I'm going to keep this objective, Dr. Pizza, but go screw your face that’s so dumb,” ZWR said to me after I called out Nicky in Week 3. Zoo, I want my apology handwritten in green ink and also notarized. The guy is a stinker, plain and simple. Grade: FFFFF

GIANTS PREVIEW: 


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