Tuesday, January 21, 2014

BACHCAP JUANPABS Week 3 Mega Boom-Boom Boom Booms


Hi everyone. It's snowing outside so you should probably curl up under a blanket with a cup of hot cocoa and read this jawn because Sara, Evan, and I worked diligently on it. Before we get into it, though, an official statement on a controversial topic.

SARACIRCS: So the dude who runs this website, I forget his name, requested that “as a minority,” I write something regarding Juan Pablo’s dumb statements about gays. As a straight white woman, I’m not sure I count as a minority (Editor’s note: you’re a woman!) (Woman’s note: aren’t there technically more women than men?); also I have essentially no idea what it’s like to be gay or how I would feel hearing Juan Pablo’s comments if I were gay. However, if you must know, my basic response to this was: I am shocked -- SHOCKED! -- that The Bachelor, who was chosen by a national television network (which still apparently runs America’s Funniest Home Videos) to represent some sort of masculine ideal, turned out to be ignorant and buffoon-esque!!!!!!!!!!!! Can’t believe it!! Can! Not! Be! Lieve! It! Okay can I go now?

Okay, now onto the categories.

Girl who most embodies Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s view of a unified America

The Evster: The girl with the mega-boom-boom boom booms. Wowzers, have you ever seen boom booms like hers? Me neither. And I’ve seen a lot of boom booms. (Seriously, I’ve seen like 4 or 5 of ‘em.)

Hey girl


ZWR: If only she’d have set them “free at last, free at last, thank Bob almighty, we’re free at last!” (Oh my dear lord I’m so sorry; UP TOP!)

SARACIRCS: Chelsie! She jumped off a bridge! To me that signifies America: risk, stupidity, and bridges. I know Dr. King would agree.

ZWR: She jumped off a bridge on a bungee manned by Guy Fieri’s cousin Gary Fieri of Bungeetown, USA.

“OMG don’t do it JUANPABS!!!” moment of the ep

SARACIRCS: Chris Harrison’s color block shirt at the beginning of the ep.

ZWR: Good catch, Sara Circs. The Nag hated Harrison’s color block shirt at the beginning of the ep and his purplish/paisleyish suit at the rose ceremony. So, in essence, he did nothing right in his role of doing absolutely nothing last night.

Side note: If I ever open a pizza shop it’s going to sell a sandwich named Parmageddon.

The Evster: Sending Lucy the Free Spirit home. I was really looking forward to seeing her loins.

Girl most likely to stay on the elliptical longer than the gym asks you to

SARACIRCS: Andi. Too intense, too entitled, too much of a LAWYERRRRRR. Like most lawyers (and I can say this because I technically am one), she thinks she’s smarter/better/sluttier than everyone else and therefore the rules don’t apply to her. I mean, I’m just guessing this. I have literally not listened to a single word that has come out of her mouth. Please can one of you explain to me how to DVR a show.



ZWR: Concur, it’s Andi. I can see her on that jawn pumping away with grossly over dramatic movements, grunting like a gorilla in her CORNELL LAW t-shirt. And then when the poor gym worker comes over and kindly hints that may she move on to another machine, she’d flip out and yell about how she pays “GOOD MONEY” to come to this place and storm into the general manager’s office and demand an apology.

Wait, you’re a lawyer? The defense rests! Bazooka Mom, Esquire!!!

The Evster: Gyms have time limits on how long you can use their machines? What about weirdos training for marathons? What about people trying to become slut cannons? That’s ridiculous. That’s un-American! Doctor Martin Luther the King would be ASHAMED!

I remember the first time I showered at a public gym. I was terrified. I had never CLEANSED MY SWEET AND SALTY BODY in public before, so I just stood outside the showers with my stupid towel tied around my waist, planning my attack. I was gonna rip off my towel, hang it on the hook and then make a beeline to the closest showerhead, where I’d suds myself up in supersonic fashion while keeping my fronts facing the wall so no one could see my dork. It was a solid plan, you can’t deny that, but after around 90 seconds of being in there and noticing that no one cared about my dork, I ended up turning around and doing a series of twinkle-twirls like Mary Lou Retts, letting the water dance along my naked body until I was as clean as a French chambermaid.

Around 20 minutes later, I left the showers -- so pruny -- and didn’t even bother to wrap the towel back around my waist. I just slung it over my shoulder and sauntered back to my locker with my bare ass flapping in the breeze.

SO THANK YOU DR. MARTIN LUTHER THE KING FOR GIVING ME THIS FREEDOM.

THANK YOU.

ZWR: You’re that guy in the locker room. Nobody likes you.

The Evster: So liberating though.

SARACIRCS: In women’s locker rooms, we all shower at the same time and playfully splash each other with water and help each other scrub each others’ backs and giggle at how prettily the rivulets of water run down our smooth sides.

Girl most likely to get a “Carpe Diem” tattoo and post an Instagram of it to Facebook

SARACIRCS: The “she passed away babe,” girl. Elise. She responded VERY condescendingly when Renee (WHO WAS JUST BEING POLITE) asked about her sick mother. Oh, you think you’ve seen shit, Elise? You think you’ve got it all figured out? She also said her mother was her “angel,” so presumably she thinks she is “spiritual” and that she deserves “happiness.” Go back to Forty Fort, Butty Butt (that’s what I’m gonna call Elise from now on - Butty Butt).

ZWR: I’m going with Cassandra, because she seems really, really dumb. “But ZWR, all of these girls are idiots.” True, but Cassandra brings a special blend of stupidity mixed with naivety. I mean, she may never have even heard something in Latin. She’d be blown away. “Seize the day” very well may asplode her brain.

But you raise a good point, lawyerface: Elise was acting like a total birch last night. It was a little too much sass for a girl who reminds me of a cross between Stiffler’s mom and Mike Mauti.

The Evster: No idea who Mike Mauti is but Renee is obviously the one most likely to get a Carpe Diem tattoo because she’s 84 years old and could die at any mome.

ZWR: He was that linebacker on Penn State with the killer hair who tore his knee up and then stood on the sidelines in dad jeans the last few games I think he’s on the Vikings now.



Dude how insane is Clare?

ZWR: In answer to this excellent question, Clare is “I have a DVD from my dead dad in the suitcase for just the right moment in this journey, likely after this guy I met three weeks ago is done making out with five different women in a hot tub and I have him alone for ten minutes” insane.

The Evster: You say that like it’s a bad thing. Think about how freakalicious Clare could be in the bedroom. If the last few episodes take place somewhere in Guatemala, I fully expect her to sneak a llama into the fantasy suite.

ZWR: Yeah that’s all great until she stabs you square in the eyes one night at Morton’s because you say that the girl at the other table’s steak looks good.

SARACIRCS: She looks good in PJs, though, amirite Juan Pabs? **high fives Juan Pabs, realizes it’s my kid’s stuffed snake, drinks quart of grapefruit juice, cries self to sleep**

Girl most likely to hammer a sausage, egg, & cheese faster than you at a football tailgate and you’re all “omg that was quick, good for you girl!”

The Evster: Renee. She’s just so damn eager. I find her go-with-the-flow lifestyle and overall positive attitude to be absolutely disgusting.

SARACIRCS: Whichever girl is always trying to be louder than everyone else and thus prove her superior enthusiasm/gameness. “Hey girls how about we have a pool party?” “YEAH WOOHOOOOO” “Hey ladies how about we play soccer?” “YEEEAAAAAHH I’VE DEFINITELY HEARD OF CLEATS BEFORE” “Hey sweet thangs what say we have a pillow fight?” “PUNCH ME IN THE FACE THIS SECOND JUAN PABS I LOVE ITTTTTTTTTTTTT”



ZWR: Elise. I imagine that the people in Forty Fort can eat them some breakfast sandwiches.

Girl most likely to call a clementine a tangerine

SARACIRCS: Omg shut up! A clementine IS a tangerine! (I just learned this recently. Could also be totally wrong.)

The Evster: How can a clementine and a tangerine be the same thing? THEY HAVE DIFFERENT NAMES, CIRCS. Exhibit A, your Honor, a clementine. Exhibit B, a tangerine. Exhibit C, the cleanest and softest butt you will ever see in your LIFE. **pulls down pants, moons entire jury, drops 17 clementines out of my butt**

ZWR: You shut up this category title cracked me up go screw your face.

SARACIRCS: Just googled it and I was indeed wrong. Clementines and tangerines are both mandarins, though. I absolutely could not care less about this topic.

Who is your best friend on this show?

SARACIRCS: You guys, everyone in my house has spent the day hacking up a lung TB-style, and all I want to do is go to bed. So I guess my answer is Nikki because she’s on my screen right now. She also seems vaguely reasonable.

ZWR: If the lazy eye girl’s dog is excluded, then I pick the Canadian opera singer. She seems way too rational, intelligent, and composed to be on this train wreck of a show.

The Evster: The water feature in the driveway. It’s so calming and beautiful. I feel like the doggie would agree with me. Also, why is the doggie excluded? I’m picking the doggie also.

But the guest bands. How much do you love the guest bands?

SARACIRCS: On not one single occasion since The Bachelor as a series began (AND I WATCHED SEASON ONE WITH BACHELOR ALEX MICHEL) have I recognized the guest band upon sight or sound. I usually assume the date doesn’t either and she’s dancing awkwardly waiting for someone to say who they are so she can stop worrying that someone’s gonna ask her. When Chelsie sang along to a tune the band played tonight, I was flabbergasted. No chance in HELL that band exists in real life.

I have no idea who this is

ZWR: I haven’t been watching this show nearly as long as you, but I have recognized one guest band because it’s the band I hate more than everything in the history of life: Train. So now whenever a surprise concert is about to happen, I yell out, “OH MY GOD, IT’S TRAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIN” in a girlie voice because I’m so sad and dumb.

The Evster: I went to see John Legend last summer -- FREE TICKETS OMG CALM DOWN -- and guess who the opening act was… Train! And let me tell you, they were not horrible! Yes, they’re white and yes they wear pants, but they were way more exciting than John Legj who is a total snooze job and possibly slept with my wife after the show.

THANKS AGAIN, DR. KING.


9 comments:

  1. Llamas are Andean creatures, not of the Yucatan. That's racist.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. omg those are obviously made up words

      Delete
  2. "LET'S GO CHAAAAAAAANGE!" - Best Juan Pabs line of the night

    ReplyDelete
  3. MORE SARA CIRCS!!!!!!!!
    ...Oh, you were already planning to have more saracircs? Every week or whatever? Nevermind. That's the only thing I care about.
    That blurb under the fat unknown music guy's picture was funny.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks mom I love you check's in the mail!

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  4. 1. I seriously though JP was saying "poo party" most of the time.
    2. The scene where he was "comforting" whats-her-name on the bridge was so awful, he talked to her like a 4 year old. She seemed to love it.
    3. Seemed silly to make a numbered list for only 2 points.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1. I think he thought so too; he looked disappointed when he saw the pool
      2. Just like Ina and Jeffrey!
      3. Don't be so hard on yourself. xoxo

      Delete

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