Tuesday, January 28, 2014

BACHCAP WEEK 4: Bazooka Mom Jamming Out to Like a Prayer Edition

Hey there kids. Evan, Sara, and I basically owned it again this week so get to reading. 

What was your funniest moment of the ep?
ZWR: I’ve gotta give it to Crazy Clare: “Korea? I don’t even own a kimono!!!” Think about that for a second. Even if she did have a kimono, would she have packed it for the mansion? Well, I guess you never know considering she did bring a DVD of her dead dad with her.

OH WAIT I just remembered the part where Camilla told JUANPABS that she had a wedgie and that was pretty hilarious too.

Evster: I gotta be honest, I think the Dog Lover lady is legitimately funny. I couldn’t tell you one funny thing she actually said or did tonight, but I still love her -- mostly because she seems to be on horse tranquilizers.

ZWR: Concur. She’s making a legit push up the charts.

Sara Circs: The moment my friend Ivy and I laughed the hardest was when Kat was improvising during the K-pop dancing. Listen, it was physical comedy; you kind of had to be there. I agree with Evster that Lassie is kind of funny though. We in the Circs household all think she resembles a dog, but in a nice way.

Would you have been able to do that Korean Pop dancing?
ZWR: Oh heck no. The only kind of dancing I can do is touchdown dances, which I used to break out like an obnoxious a-hole whenever I played football with my friends but now only do when I sick burn a co-worker or score a touchdown on PlayStation.

Evster: I am adamantly opposed to choreographed dancing. If I wanted to follow someone else’s lead, I would’ve married a Jewish woman. Wait a minute. Oh God my life is a failure.

Sara Circs: I know they were trying to highlight Nikki’s negativity during this part, what with her being all not into dancing and not excited about it and it being her worst nightmare and everything, but there was no one I empathized with more in the whole episode. Dancing is really cute and nice for people who are into like moving their bodies or whatever. And I get that that is most people. This is what makes it especially hard to be one of us weenies who doesn’t actually think it’s THAT fun to jump around, because inevitably someone is all, “OMG they’re playing Like A Prayer, let’s dance!!!!” and you’re all, “But they’re literally ABOUT to serve dessert,” and they’re like, “Madonnaaaaaaaa,” and you’re like, “I can SEE the servers starting to go around,” and they’re like, “BE ONE OF US. IT’S MADONNA. JUST BE A GODDAMN HUMAN FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE,” and you end up getting up just so they don’t think you’re a complete asshole and by the time they get to the “when you call my name” part it actually starts to get kind of fun. Also you’re completely blasted.

ZWR: Dude I love Like a Prayer my cousin Mark used to blast the cassingle (not making that up) in his Camaro (didn’t make that up either).

Evster: A person with this car lives in my neighborhood and I love him.

ZWR: HOLY BUTT! Whatever you do don’t knock on his door and be all "hey there I'm a blogger!" he will most certainly beat you up.

Is your wife (or husband) starting to change her tune about JUANPABS and talk about him like he’s a skeezeball?
Evster: I don’t think my wife really cares. She’s more into those feet-eating fish and Andi’s ombre hair to concern herself with all the tongueings that Juan Pabs is dishing out. On a related note, I think Sharleen has major pervert potensh based on the fact that she TUGGED ON JUAN PABBY’S LIP before sucking his mouth. I also feel like Clare would let a man do whatever he wanted to her, which makes her one of my favorite contestants to ever appear on this incredibly erotic game show.

ZWR: Zoinks. Dude, there was a lot of tongue action this week.

Evster: BOUT TIME.

Sara Circs: He actually seems less skeezy to me than ever, though I’m not buying this “no kissing because I don’t want my daughter to see me kissing too many ladies” business. I think it’s just an excuse to not kiss the chicks he doesn’t want to kiss. (I really wish a lady would scream, “YOU LET YOUR DAUGHTER WATCH THE BACHELOR?” in his face if he tried to pull that on her.) Oh also I just remembered how he gels up his hair and I changed my mind and my revulsion now knows no bounds.

ZWR: Huh. The Nag had it out for him last night. When he was talking with one of the girls earlier on in the ep she paused it and started yelling, “look-- he’s not paying attention to anything she’s saying all he’s doing is thinking about boinking!” I was all, “Ummmm, yeah? Wanna boink?” Then she LOL’d a little too loud for my liking.

Do you like skeeball?
ZWR: I mean srsly who doesn’t like skeeball? Probably Duke basketball, the Dallas Cowboys, Kony (unless that was fiction), and Rush Limbaugh but that’s about it. It’s so amazing. I love playing it, and I love watching little kids play it even more. They just wing those little wooden balls overhand and nobody gives a fart because skeeball is sheer human happiness.

Evster: Love it. Love the noise when the balls are released. Love breaking Two Hunny. Love the idea of Clare being tied to a radiator while begging Juan Pablo for a small dish of water.

Sara Circs: I like walking up the ramp when no one’s looking and putting the ball in the smallest hole and then getting a bajillion tickets and picking out a cool prize like some bubble wrap.

Girl most likely to stink at skeeball?
ZWR: I’m going with Cassandra. The poor girl would be so wrought with confusion that the she’d just stand there and hold the ball like a wooden ball model. Then Elise would come over and eat it JUST KIDDING RIP FORTY FORT.

Evster: Renee. She’s way too old to be doing any kind of athletic activity. Would probably break her hip.

Sara Circs: Nikki. She’s my girl!!

ZWR: So true bro Nikki would be all, “Oh my god I hate skeeball this is the worst ever and, I mean, look at that whore Kat over there having fun I mean we get it you can roll it into the 30 point circle every time good job you skank!”

Kat’s boobs moment of the ep.
ZWR: *IF* I had to select something it would be while she was dancing at the concert but I’d rather not comment on her body let’s just respect her intellect.


Evster: At the end of the ep, there was no way that Juan Pabs was gonna send Kat’s boobs home. They’re just too big and milky. I mentioned this to my wife and she was all, “Well maybe Juan Pabs isn’t into them,” which caused me to keel over laughing and now I’m sleeping in our driveway.

Sara Circs: Yeah, when he finally called Kat’s name, she kind of nodded knowingly almost as if to say, “No shit, buddy. Clear boobs, full boobs, can’t lose.”

ZWR: Best slogan ever.

What the heck are we gonna do about these Bachcaps® when the Olympics are on? Should we just cancel them now?
ZWR: Olympcaps® ?

Evster: Sounds good to me.

Sara Circs: Are you trying to make me watch a sport?


  1. Imagine if your Dad went on the Telly to win you a new Mum and came back with full blown hepatitis and one of THESE chicks.

    I mean with all the feet eating fish and saliva swapping this ep...the hep is guaranteed, no?

    Poor Cameeela :(

  2. YOU GUYS! No one even mentioned when Andi and Dog Lover did their impression of Juan Pablo and Clare with the Octopus. That was legit the best part of the episode and probably why you think DL is funny.


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